Saturday Night Live Quotes
Saddam Hussein: Live-time from the New York, it's the Saturday fun hour!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents", for $400. And the answer is: "He is the current U.S. President. [No one responds, so more clue is revealed] He has white hair, and you've probably seen him in the news. His first name is 'Bill' [No response] Mr. Goldblum, I know for a fact you had dinner with him recently. His last name is Clinton! His name is Bill Clinton, please someone simply say, 'Who is Bill Clinton?'" Someone just say it! Anyone. [Timer sounds] And the show has reached a new low.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's see what you put: "2". The number 2!
Jeff Goldblum: Aha! Aha! The letter 2, my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I can't read or write.
Jeff Goldblum: Aha! Aha! The letter 2, my friend!
Alex Trebek: No, 2 is a number.
Jeff Goldblum: I can't read or write.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Sean Connery: I'll take 'Famous Titties' for 400, Alex.
Alex Trebek: It's actually 'Famous Titles', Mr. Connery.
Alex Trebek: It's actually 'Famous Titles', Mr. Connery.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's see what Mr. Cage put... and your podium is missing.
Nicolas Cage: I don't know where it went. I'm confused.
Nicolas Cage: I don't know where it went. I'm confused.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's see what Calista Flockhart put for an answer. Nothing. And your wager? Nothing!
Calista Flockhart: The pen was too heavy.
Calista Flockhart: The pen was too heavy.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Sean Connery: I've got to ask you about 'The Penis Mightier'.
Alex Trebek: The what? No, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Gussy it up all you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!
Nicolas Cage: Wait, wait, are you guys selling penis mightiers?
Alex Trebek: No!
Alex Trebek: The what? No, that's 'The Pen Is Mightier, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: Gussy it up all you want, Trebek, what matters is: does it work? Will it really mighty my penis, man?!
Nicolas Cage: Wait, wait, are you guys selling penis mightiers?
Alex Trebek: No!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Let's see your answer. Oh, I'm sorry, that must be your wager: a buck. And your answer is..."Futter". Buck Futter. I don't get it.
Sean Connery: Oh...I think you do, Trebek. Think you do, indeed.
Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us.
Sean Connery: Buck Futter!
Sean Connery: Oh...I think you do, Trebek. Think you do, indeed.
Alex Trebek: Well, thanks for joining us.
Sean Connery: Buck Futter!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Burt Reynolds: I know some French! You're an asswipe. Pardon my French.
French Stewart: My name is French!
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, who gives a crap?
French Stewart: My name is French!
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, who gives a crap?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Interviewing Doctor: Is there centaur pornography?
Centaur Doctor: Yes, there is centaur porn.
Interviewing Doctor: If I were to watch centaur porn, but with a piece of cardboard covering the horse parts, would I find the female actresses attractive?
Centaur Doctor: Probably, but you gotta remember: sooner or later, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.
Centaur Doctor: Yes, there is centaur porn.
Interviewing Doctor: If I were to watch centaur porn, but with a piece of cardboard covering the horse parts, would I find the female actresses attractive?
Centaur Doctor: Probably, but you gotta remember: sooner or later, there's gonna be a horse penis in there.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chris Matthews: That's tough talk coming from a people whose only contribution to Western culture is Gerard Depardieu and that horny skunk!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
George W. Bush: (in a message to Osama bin Ladin) If you really wanted to win against me at something, you should have challenged me to a game of Scrabble. Or perhaps a beard-off, for you see, I don't have a beard. And when I do, it comes in all patchy.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Borat Sagdiyev: Alive from New York - home of the Jew - it's Saturday night!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dakota Fanning: When I hear the word 'hotel', it invokes images of Hotel Rwanda about the Rwandan Genocide.
Dylan Sprouse: Dakota, you're scaring us!
Dylan Sprouse: Dakota, you're scaring us!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Sarah Palin (Tina Fey): You know, Hillary and I don't agree on everythi...
Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler): [cutting in] On anything! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
Sarah Palin: And I can see Russia from my house!
Hillary Clinton: I believe that global warming is caused by man.
Sarah Palin: And I believe it's just God hugging us closer!
Hillary Clinton: I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.
Sarah Palin: [laughs] I don't know what that is!
Hillary Clinton: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.
Sarah Palin: So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!
Hillary Clinton: And stop saying I have cankles!
Sarah Palin: Don't refer to me as a MILF!
Hillary Clinton: Don't refer to me as a FLIRJ! I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!
Hillary Clinton (Amy Poehler): [cutting in] On anything! I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.
Sarah Palin: And I can see Russia from my house!
Hillary Clinton: I believe that global warming is caused by man.
Sarah Palin: And I believe it's just God hugging us closer!
Hillary Clinton: I don't agree with the Bush Doctrine.
Sarah Palin: [laughs] I don't know what that is!
Hillary Clinton: But, Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate a American election.
Sarah Palin: So, please, stop Photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures!
Hillary Clinton: And stop saying I have cankles!
Sarah Palin: Don't refer to me as a MILF!
Hillary Clinton: Don't refer to me as a FLIRJ! I Googled what it stands for, and I do not like it!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Madonna: What the hell is a discostick?
Lady Gaga: (singing) I think you know.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to behave.
Lady Gaga: Ok we'll try.
Lady Gaga: Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.
Madonna: Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
Lady Gaga: The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts. (attacks Madonna)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I said behave beotches.
Madonna: You better stop interrupting us
Lady Gaga: Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)
(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to kiss and make up
Madonna: Ok
Lady Gaga: Excellent
Madonna: You made my ring come off
Lady Gaga: Sorry
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other
(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.)
Lady Gaga: (singing) I think you know.
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to behave.
Lady Gaga: Ok we'll try.
Lady Gaga: Hey guess what Madonna...I'm totally hotter than you.
Madonna: Hey guess what (hits Lady Gaga's head) I'm totally taller than you. And what kinda of a name is Lady Gaga? It sounds like baby food.
Lady Gaga: The kind that's #1 on the Billboard charts. (attacks Madonna)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I said behave beotches.
Madonna: You better stop interrupting us
Lady Gaga: Yeah we're pop icons Respect (gives Madonna a high 5)
(Lady Gaga and Madonna start to fight again)
DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you two to kiss and make up
Madonna: Ok
Lady Gaga: Excellent
Madonna: You made my ring come off
Lady Gaga: Sorry
DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other
(about to kiss then DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in between them.)
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Lady Gaga: Born in New York, in Lenox Hill of ‘86 Cheered for the Yankees with my dad in Section 6 And after traveling, just dancing round the world I still prefer a beer and whiskey with my friends on Rivington street ... I miss every little thing about the city Subway trains, the girls are pretty Love the hot dogs on 72nd street They’re tasty and they’re cheap Was just a waitress on Cornelia Now I’m living my dreams, baby! Singing about my Poker Face New York, It’s Saturday night!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Zach: I really don't know what I'm doing here! I don't know what I'm talking aboot. Excuse me -- I've been in canada, opening up for Miles Davis...Kilometers Davis. I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers. My girlfriend looks a little bit like Charlize Theron, and a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter. She's writing a book about contemporary feminist theory. She let me read the manuscript and I got to say: It's pretty good for a girl. I went to my school reunion not too long ago, and it was very weird...because I was home schooled. Just me there by a bowl of punch, listening to Kool and the Gang. Why I rented that limousine, I have no idea. This woman said to me the other day, "Zach, I like your beard," and I said, "Look, I'm Greek. This isn't a beard. This is part of my eyebrow."[To the band] Are you guys just gonna sit there? I thought we were gonna rehearse something. [The band joins him] There we go. Sometimes I'll do something and I say to myself, "That is so Raven." And then, other times I'll do something and I'll be like, "That was not very Raven." If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles. I've been trying to quit drinking. The other day I drank a 12-pack of O'Doul's, and I went riding around in my car and I got pulled over by a cop. He's like, "Son, have you been drinking?" And I'm like, "Uh, sort of." he said, "What have you been drinking?" and I said "O'Doul's, nonalcoholic beer." And he wrote me a ticket for being a gaylord. I was reading on CNN.com today, before the show. You know that kid who had sex with his high school teacher about a year ago? I read online today that that kid died, today. He died of high-fiving. He was in a high-fiving accident.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Seth Meyers: Donald Trump, who claims to be testing the waters for a presidential bid, sparked controversy this week by demanding to see Barack Obama's birth certificate. Look, if Donald Trump wants to talk about Barack Obama's birth certificate, what do I care? Though if he loves America so much, why does he keep outsourcing the job of his wife? What bothers me is that he's getting so much attention for this fake presidential run. I know Trump thinks any publicity is good publicity, the same way he apparently thinks any hair is good hair. But why are the rest of us talking about this like he really might be President? If saying you were going to do something counted, my dad would be on the cover of Finished Basement Magazine. I think the problem is that with this GOP field, Trump actually seems like a viable candidate, and conversely, all the candidates remind me of contestants on Celebrity Apprentice. Look, Newt Gingrich, you're a trusted conservative, you're a religious man, you brought divorce papers to your wife when she was in the hospital for cancer. [Singing] Two out of three ain't bad, that makes you Meat Loaf, and you're fired. Mitt Romney, you basically created Obamacare in Massachusetts, and now you're running against it, so you're attacking the exact same thing you used to get ahead. You're Jose Canseco, and you're fired. Rick Santorum, this week you said that the reason Social Security is insolvent is that America has aborted 1/3 of its children. Everything out of your mouth makes me say, "WHAT?!" You're Lil Jon, and you're fired. Herman Cain, I don't know a single thing about you. You're John Rich, and you're fired. Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann, sexy from a distance, crazy up close. Lisa Rinna and NeNe Leakes, you're fired, you're fired. And finally, Donald Trump, you're bossy, you're entitled, you probably still listen to Burt Bacharach. You're Dionne Warwick, and you're fired.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
["Weekend Update" closing line]
Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.
Kevin Nealon: I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
["Weekend Update" closing line]
Dennis Miller: That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.
Dennis Miller: That's the news, and I am OUTTA HERE.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
["Weekend Update" closing line]
Colin Quinn: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Colin Quinn: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
["Weekend Update" opening line]
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
Chevy Chase: Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
["Weekend Update" opening]
Norm MacDonald: Good evening, this is the fake news.
Norm MacDonald: Good evening, this is the fake news.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[about the 1997 Marlins-Indians World Series]
Norm Macdonald: Well, you've said a lot about the mascots, Harry, but what about the players?
Harry Caray: They won't be a factor, Norm. Trust me.
Norm Macdonald: Well, you've said a lot about the mascots, Harry, but what about the players?
Harry Caray: They won't be a factor, Norm. Trust me.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live