Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry Seinfeld: What are you gonna get?
Sheila: I'll decide at the last minute.
Jerry Seinfeld: You better decide, sister. You're on deck. [Sheila kisses him]
Jerry Seinfeld: Sheila!
Soup Nazi: [pounds on the counter hard] HEY!
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh oh.
Soup Nazi: What is this? You're kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!
Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to.
Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!
Sheila: HOW DARE YOU! C'mon Jerry, we're leaving. [leaves the soup kitchen, but Jerry stays. Sheila comes back in]
Sheila: Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Do I know you?
Sheila: I'll decide at the last minute.
Jerry Seinfeld: You better decide, sister. You're on deck. [Sheila kisses him]
Jerry Seinfeld: Sheila!
Soup Nazi: [pounds on the counter hard] HEY!
Jerry Seinfeld: Uh oh.
Soup Nazi: What is this? You're kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!
Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to.
Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!
Sheila: HOW DARE YOU! C'mon Jerry, we're leaving. [leaves the soup kitchen, but Jerry stays. Sheila comes back in]
Sheila: Jerry?
Jerry Seinfeld: Do I know you?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: [about Newman] He lives down the street from my home. MY HOME, ELAINE. Where I sleep, where I come to play with my toys...
TV Show: Seinfeld
[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[after learning the woman he's attracted to is bald]
George Costanza: No one goes into a barbershop and says "Give me the Larry Fine."
George Costanza: No one goes into a barbershop and says "Give me the Larry Fine."
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Elaine, George and Jerry are going to see Plan 9 from Outer Space]
Jerry: Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.
Jerry: Elaine, you don't understand! This isn't plans 1 through 8. This is Plan 9. This is the one that worked. The worst movie ever made.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[At a health club, in the sauna, Kramer is hot and flushed]
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
Cosmo Kramer: God... it's like a sauna in here.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: If you've got a t-shirt with blood stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Men are not subtle — men are obvious. Women know what men want. Men know what men want. What do we want? We want women! It's the only thing we know for sure: we want women! How do we get women? Oh, we don't know that. After that first step, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking their car horns, yelling from construction sites; these are the best ideas we've had so far.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time. I don't have any money, but I have these... I wrote on these... Is this of any value at all?"
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: [Realizing that the robbery was his fault] Jerry, I'm sorry... You have insurance, right?
Jerry: No.
Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Klapco D29! It's the most unpenetrable lock in the market today! It has only one design flaw. The door... must be closed!
Jerry: No.
Kramer: How could you not have insurance?
Jerry: Because I spent my money on the Klapco D29! It's the most unpenetrable lock in the market today! It has only one design flaw. The door... must be closed!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up; he's dressed like a penguin. We can find him; he's a penguin!"
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: His name is Joel Horneck. He lived, like, three houses down from me when I grew up. He had a Ping Pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer the rest of my life because I like to play Ping Pong? I was ten! I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a Ping Pong table!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: She calls me up at my office. She says, "We have to talk."
Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
George: That or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: That's worse.
Jerry: Ugh. The four worst words in the English language.
George: That or "Whose bra is this?"
Jerry: That's worse.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Vanessa: I said the market fluctuates. Remember?
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
Jerry: Look, Vanessa, of course the market fluctuates. Everybody knows that. I just got fluctuated out of four thousand dollars!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats?
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: Whaddaya say, Jerry? You want to make $28?
Jerry: Hey, I'm no cat-killer.
Jerry: Well, it couldn't be too expensive. $13, $14 a cat?
Elaine: Whaddaya say, Jerry? You want to make $28?
Jerry: Hey, I'm no cat-killer.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you are doing.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld: Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people - Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? We have soda! We have soda! We have soda! Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda! Have you ever been standing there and you are watching TV and you are drinking the exact product that they are advertising right there on TV and its like you know they are striking volleyball, jet skiing, girls in bikins and I am thinking - maybe I am putting too much ice in mine.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: If I have to sit next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbin' my arm when he talks to me. That's probably because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.
Mort Seinfeld: And it's always about Geoffery isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah! I mean, he talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
Mort Seinfeld: And it's always about Geoffery isn't it?
Jerry: Yeah! I mean, he talks about him like he split the atom. The kid works for the Parks Department.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: You know, I've been thinking. I cannot envision any circumstance in which I'll ever have the opportunity to have sex again. How's it gonna happen? I just don't see how it could occur.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: This jacket has completely changed my life.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry: Of course.
George: It's fabulous.
George: Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality.
Jerry: Of course.
George: It's fabulous.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: My dad thinks George is gay.
Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
Jerry: Oh, because of all the singing?
Elaine: No, he pretty much thinks everyone is gay.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Donna: I asked some friends of mine this week, and all of them liked the Dockers commercial.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
Jerry: Boy, I bet you got a regular Algonquin round table there.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: The light is blinking: "Come and listen to the idiot!... The idiot's on!!"
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: [about the marathon] Ah, what's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.
TV Show: Seinfeld