Seinfeld Quotes
Jerry: You know that guy in your brain who warns about bad decisions? He was getting a cup of coffee.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: [The statue] slipped out of my hand and it broke. My parents looked at me like I smashed the Ten Commandments. To this day they bring it up. It was the single most damaging experience in my life, aside from seeing my father naked.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman: [about to commit suicide] Kramer! I'm on the roof!
Kramer: [goes to Jerry's window, looks up] Well, what are you waiting for?!
Kramer: [goes to Jerry's window, looks up] Well, what are you waiting for?!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.
George: What about that?
Jerry: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.
George: Well, that's really not fair.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Tor: Your tea is ready now. This should solve your so-called tonsil problem. It's a special concoction. It contains crampbark.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
Jerry: I love crampbark.
Tor: Cleavers.
Jerry: Cleaver, I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car!
Tor: And some couchgrass.
Jerry: Couchgrass and crampbark? You know, I think that's what killed Curly.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: So how's the job situation going?
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
George: Still lookin'. It's pretty bad out there. What about you?
Jerry: Nothin' much. I slept with Elaine last night.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: You ask me to have lunch, tell me you slept with Elaine, and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now you listen to me. I want details and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well you get in the mood!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I mean, really, what is the big deal? We go in there. (Points to the bedroom) We're in there for a while. We come right back out here. It's not complicated.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Explain to me how this baby shower thing works.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
Elaine: What do you wanna know?
Jerry: Well, I mean, does it ever erupt into a drunken orgy of violence?
Elaine: Rarely.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: Ya know, its not fair people are seated first-come-first-served. It should be based on who's hungriest.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: I feel like walking over there and grabbing something off someone's plate.
Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's 50 bucks in it for ya if you do it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: You walk up to that table over there, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, wipe your mouth, say "Thank you very much", walk away — I'll give you 50 bucks.
Elaine: 50 bucks; you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine: You think they're going to mind?
Jerry: I don't think so. In fact, you will give them something they will talk about for years.
Elaine: Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something.
Jerry: No. No tricks.
Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's 50 bucks in it for ya if you do it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: You walk up to that table over there, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, wipe your mouth, say "Thank you very much", walk away — I'll give you 50 bucks.
Elaine: 50 bucks; you'll give me 50 bucks?
Jerry: 50 bucks. That table over there, the three couples.
Elaine: You think they're going to mind?
Jerry: I don't think so. In fact, you will give them something they will talk about for years.
Elaine: Okay, I don't wanna go over there and do it and then come back here and find out there was some little loophole, like I didn't put mustard on it or something.
Jerry: No. No tricks.
Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: I think the busboy's in trouble.
George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.
George: Did I get him in trouble? Because of what I said? I just told him what happened. He didn't do it on purpose! [The manager and the busboy are arguing, The busboy points in the direction of George.] He pointed at me. Why did he point at me?
Elaine: I said I would never eat here again. But, I, I.. he had to know I was kidding.
Jerry: [casually] I didn't say anything.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry comes to apologize to Julianna, who has her son with her.]
Julianna: I treated you. So please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door!
Julianna: I treated you. So please, just get out of the office!
Jerry: Can't you just listen to me?
Julianna: Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door!
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: This is terrible. What is this, ginger? I hate ginger! I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: What did you tell her?
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.
George: I told her that she was pretentious.
Jerry: Pretentious? The woman has my tax papers. You told her she was pretentious? The IRS — they're like the Mafia. They can take anything they want.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Photographer: Say "astronaut."
[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
Elaine: Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?
Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.
[Elaine, laughing, walks right up to the lens of the camera]
Elaine: Heh-heh. Say what? Ha-ha-heh! Say what?
Jerry: [pulls her back] You took too many of those pills.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.
Helen Seinfeld: Heh-heh! [Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Two hundred seats on a plane, I gotta wind up next to Yukon Jack and his dog Cujo.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: I must have been out of my mind. Look at you. Why don't you do something with your life? Sit around here all day, you contribute nothing to society. You're just taking up space. How could I be with someone like you? Couldn't respect myself.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: He purposely mispronounced my name. Instead of saying "Costanza", he'd say "Can't-stand-ya, can't stand ya!" He made me smell my own gym socks once.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?
Librarian: It's true.
Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cohn."
Librarian: It's true.
Kramer: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named "Cohn."
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: Why can't you do it?
Man: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man: No, I wouldn't.
Man: I can't.
Elaine: No, see that's not a reason you can't. You just don't want to.
Man: That's right.
Elaine: But why? Why don't you want to?
Man: I don't know.
Elaine: But wouldn't you get any satisfaction out of helping someone out?
Man: No, I wouldn't.
TV Show: Seinfeld