Seinfeld Quotes
Cosmo Kramer: You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I'd be standing here about to solve the world's energy problems, I would've said you're crazy... Now let's push this giant ball of oil out the window.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: You know you're not supposed to brush your teeth for 24 hours before you go to the dentist.
Jerry: I think you're thinking of 'You're not supposed to eat 24 hours before surgery'.
Cosmo Kramer: Oh, you gotta eat before surgery. You need your strength.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: You know, they botched my vasectomy?
Jerry: They botched it?
Cosmo Kramer: I'm even more potent now.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: You want to get outta here? Here's what we do. We leave the car here, we take the plates off, we scratch the serial number off the engine block, and we walk away.
Jerry: Walk away?
Cosmo Kramer: You've got insurance. You tell them that the car was stolen, and then you get another one free.
Jerry: Isn't there a deductible?
Cosmo Kramer: All right, what is your deductible?
Jerry: I don't know.
Cosmo Kramer: Yes, because they've already deducted it.
Jerry: From what?
Cosmo Kramer: The car, which we're leaving. So the net is zero. See you pocket the money, if there is any, and you get a new car.
Jerry: We're not leaving the car.
Cosmo Kramer: All right. If you refuse to grow up and scam your insurance company, you'll have to work this out with maroon Golf.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: You'll be the world's first pirate!
Jerry: But I don't wanna be a pirate!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: You're becoming one of the glitterati.
George Costanza: What's that?
Cosmo Kramer: People who glitter.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Cosmo Kramer: You're wasting your life.
George Costanza: I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.
Cosmo Kramer: OK, like what? No, tell me. Do you have a job?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got money?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have a woman?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
George Costanza: Uh, no.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
George Costanza: No.
Cosmo Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
George Costanza: I like to get the Daily News.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Mr. Lager: Well , we've discussed this, here's the feeling: You got a greeting, starts with an H, how's twenty bucks sound?
Cosmo Kramer: I'll take it.
Mr. Lager: Awright, sir
TV Show: Seinfeld
Susan Biddle Ross: [Susan and George are having dinner with Carrie and Ken, Susan's cousin. Carrie is heavily pregnant] So, have you picked out a name yet?
Carrie: Well, we've narrowed it down to a few. We like Kimberley.
Susan Biddle Ross: Aww.
George Costanza: [negatively] Hu-ho, boy.
Ken: You don't like Kimberley?
George Costanza: Ech. What else you got?
Ken: How about Joan?
George Costanza: Aw c'mon, I'm eating here.
Susan Biddle Ross: George!
Carrie: Pamela?
George Costanza: Pamela? Awright, I tell you what. You look like nice people, I'm gonna help you out. You want a beautiful name? Soda.
Ken: What?
George Costanza: Soda. S-O-D-A. Soda.
Carrie: I don't know, it sounds a little strange.
George Costanza: All names sound strange the first time you hear 'em. What, are you telling me people loved the name Blanche the first time they heard it?
Ken: Yeah, but uh... Soda?
George Costanza: Yeah, that's right. It's working.
Carrie: We'll put it on the list.
George Costanza: I solve problems. That's just what I do.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Susan Biddle Ross: I don't see why you can't just use a condom.
George Costanza: Uh uh, no. Condoms are for single men. The day we got engaged, I said goodbye to the condom forever.
Susan Biddle Ross: Why?
George Costanza: I can never get the package open in time. It's like "Beat the Clock."
TV Show: Seinfeld
Aldon Benes: Which one's supposed to be the funny guy?
George Costanza: [pointing to Jerry] Oh, he's the comedian.
Jerry: I'm just a regular person.
George Costanza: No, no. He's just being modest.
Aldon Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. [long pause]
Aldon Benes: There's nothing funny about that.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kruger: The head has been smoothed down to the size of a golf ball. What do we do?
George Costanza: Well, we could smooth the head down to nothing, stick a pumpkin under its arm and change the name to Icabod Crane. [everyone begins laughing]
George Costanza: Alright, that's it for me, you've been great! Good night, everybody.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Rental Car Agent: Would you like insurance?
Jerry: Yeah, you better give me the insurance. Because I'm gonna beat the hell out of this car.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: So I got home... and he was vacumming! I mean, he's twelve years old! Who else, but my Allan, would do something like that? And then last night he put on my high heels. He put on such a show for us, he was dancing around, lip-synching to A Chorus Line. I mean, you can see, he's got talent.
Elaine: Excuse me... excuse me.
Annoying Woman In Movie Theatre: What's the problem?
Elaine: ...you're talking.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Girlfriend: Unfortunately, I didn't have a partner. I got gonorrhea from a tractor.
Jerry: You got gonorrhea from a tractor? And you call that the tractor story?
Girlfriend: Yeah, my boyfriend said I got it while I was riding the tractor in my bathing suit.
Jerry: All right, that's it for me. You've been great. Good night, everybody.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Girlfriend: You're insane.
Jerry: Oh yes, quite. [Kramer enters]
Jerry: Of course, it's a sliding scale.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry's girlfriend: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose protégé is a hack.
Jerry: I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone whose mentor is a Costanza.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?
Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.
Telemarketer: Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that.
Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.
Telemarketer: No.
Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up]
TV Show: Seinfeld
Telemarketer: Would you be interested in a subscription to the New York Times?
Jerry: Yes. [hangs up]
TV Show: Seinfeld
Woman: I started riding these trains in the forties. Those days a man would give up their seat for a woman. Now we're liberated and we have to stand.
Elaine: It's ironic.
Woman: What's ironic?
Elaine: This, that we've come all this way, we have made all this progress, but you know, we've lost the little things, the niceties.
Woman: No, I mean what does "ironic" mean?
TV Show: Seinfeld