South Park Quotes
Cartman: [on the phone] Oh please! You tell me where you can get aborted fetuses for 70 cents on the dollar. You tell me, Chuck...Yeah, I didn't think so. You know, I'm just like the fetuses, Chuck: I wasn't born yesterday either!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [after their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: [muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ!
TV Show: South Park
Reporter: Do you believe in the ladder to heaven?
Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis... [the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen] And the pearly gates are the-- [static]
Fat Man: If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis... [the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen] And the pearly gates are the-- [static]
TV Show: South Park
Chef: Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it! So he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?
Stan: But then why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way! If you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away! If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, it would have nothing to cry about! That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears! You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
Stan: I think I understand.
Stan: But then why does God give us anything to start with?
Chef: Well, look at it this way! If you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away! If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, it would have nothing to cry about! That's like God, who gives us life and love and health, just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry. So he can drink the sweet milk of our tears! You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.
Stan: I think I understand.
TV Show: South Park
[Kenny has just died]
Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"
Stan: Did he say anything before he went?
Kyle: He just said, "Where's Stan?"
TV Show: South Park
Butters: [on seeing his dad "wrestling"] Yep. He went in there and wrestled with all kinds o' guys. He wasn't too good, though. This one black guy had him pinned down for fifteen minutes straight!
TV Show: South Park
Butters: Oh, you mean like the time you washed my mouth out with soap for sayin' "nutsack" in front of Grandma. Yeah, I need to behave myself. [slaps his right hand with his left]
TV Show: South Park
Truck Driver: Yeah. Too bad you're not a broad, 'cause I need some goddamn poontang.
Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.
Butters: Yeah. I could use some goddamn poontang myself right now.
TV Show: South Park
Butters: Will I eventually get to South Park if I follow this road?
Old Man: That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. [indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest] Course, I ain't never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, lotta history on that road.
Old Man: That road leads to Conifer. You want to go to South Park, you've got to go down that road. [indicates gloomy road leading through a twisted-looking forest] Course, I ain't never seen anyone go up that road. Six years ago a group of campers went up there and got lost, had to eat each other to stay alive. Used to be the way to the O'Reilly house. He butchered over fifty children and kept their bodies in his cellar. You should find an old bridge about halfway up; that bridge is cursed, you know. They built it with the bones of two hundred Chinese laborers who were massacred in '34. Yap, lotta history on that road.
TV Show: South Park
Butters: You know, you can call a shovel an ice-cream machine, but it's still a shovel, Mom and Dad. Ah, and you can call a lie whatever you want, but it's still a no-good stinking lie!
TV Show: South Park
Gary Condit, O.J. Simpson, and the Ramseys: One of us, One of us, Gooble Gobble, Gooble Gobble, One of us!"
TV Show: South Park
Chris Stotch: And so the people we owe the biggest apology to are the Ramseys, Congressman Condit, and O.J.. We gave you false hope for finding the person who hurt those close to you, and we're sorry. Now we're just happy we won't have to live a life of secrets. For I knew that even though some of you supported us, some others were looking at me and thinking, "You're a liar! You're a liar!"[points at the crowd, and Condit's fixed-grin face is shown]"You know something that you're not telling us, you slimy scumbag liar!"[back to Chris] You know, that's what people would say to me. And then people would see my wife at the supermarket and they would say "Hello," but they'd be thinking, "Ah, there goes that murderer"! [a shot of O.J.]"You got away with murder, you murdering, lying waste of life!"[back to Chris] And to me, people might say things like, [a shot of Condit]"Liar! Tell us what you know, you goddamned liar!"[back to Chris] And so, to both of us, people all over town would be saying things like, [a shot of the Ramseys]"You know goddamn well what happened to your kid, so stop acting like victims, and confess, you murdering murderers!"[a shot of O.J.]"Confess!"[a shot of Condit]"Liar! Confess!!"[back to Chris] You know, and, that's what people would be saying to us, and so, we just had to come forward and tell the truth.
TV Show: South Park
Butters: Oh well, when I get a chipotle bleu-cheese bacon burger at Bennigan's, I forget all about my dad being queer and my mom trying to kill me. I'm gonna be okay.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.
Stan: Really?
Butters: No, I'm lying.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Dammit Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your ass till you're deader than Kenny!
Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
Stan: 22.3 years.
Cartman: Damn, that's a long time to wait.
Stan: Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.
Cartman: How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?
Stan: 22.3 years.
Cartman: Damn, that's a long time to wait.
TV Show: South Park
Chris Stotch: Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth.
Butters: Yes, sir.
Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?
Butters: Four times, Mom.
Chris Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
Butters: Yes, sir.
Linda Stotch: This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?
Butters: Four times, Mom.
Chris Stotch: Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!
TV Show: South Park
Chris Stotch: I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the television? We told you no television while you're grounded!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watchin' television, Dad. I'm just layin' around jackin it.
Chris Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
Chris Stotch: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Chris Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait.
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watchin' television, Dad. I'm just layin' around jackin it.
Chris Stotch: Jacking it? Jacking what?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.
Chris Stotch: What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.
Chris Stotch: Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait.
TV Show: South Park
Linda Stotch: Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's bein' a little pussy, Mom.
Linda Stotch: Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] I'll be waiting with bells on, you-you old horse-bangin' skank.
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's bein' a little pussy, Mom.
Linda Stotch: Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.
Linda Stotch: Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!
Cartman: [impersonating Butters] I'll be waiting with bells on, you-you old horse-bangin' skank.
TV Show: South Park
Butters: Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on pukin' it up.
Cartman: Then eat your puke!
Butters: No!
Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!
Cartman: Then eat your puke!
Butters: No!
Cartman: C'mon, Japanese girls do it!
TV Show: South Park
Butters: Hi Mom and Dad!
Chris Stotch: DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK![punches him]
Butters: Ow. Dad?
Linda: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER! [punches him]
Butters: Ah! What did I do? What did I do?
Chris: You think you're tough now?! Answer me! [the beating continues; Butters starts crying]
Cartman: [outside; listening] Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
Chris Stotch: DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK![punches him]
Butters: Ow. Dad?
Linda: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER! [punches him]
Butters: Ah! What did I do? What did I do?
Chris: You think you're tough now?! Answer me! [the beating continues; Butters starts crying]
Cartman: [outside; listening] Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.
TV Show: South Park
Thumper: [motioning to Butters' "Shitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.
Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time.
Butters: [unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.
Thumper: We're gonna take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a goood time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're gonna fall, you're gonna have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are gonna cross, gonna have a bad time.
TV Show: South Park
Thumper: If you French fry when you should have Pizza'd, you're gonna have a bad time...
TV Show: South Park
Tad: What's your name, hot shot?
Stan: Stan. Marsh.
Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.
Stan: Stan. Marsh.
Tad: Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...
Stan: And then what?
Cartman: ...and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
Kyle: No dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!
Cartman: Oh really? Oh well.
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]
Stan: And then what?
Cartman: ...and then you pee on them!
[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]
Kyle: No dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!
Cartman: Oh really? Oh well.
[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.
Stan: Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
[silence]
Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot]
Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire witchikah Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
Stan: Thank you.
Old Man: Yap.
Stan: Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!
[silence]
Kyle: You don't even know Heather!
Stan: I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?
[An old man walks into the shot]
Old Man: The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died goin' down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire witchikah Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.
[silence]
Stan: Thank you.
Old Man: Yap.
TV Show: South Park