South Park Quotes
Cartman: Well, excuse my French, Mrs. Marsh, but you can suck my fat hairy balls!
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Mr. Jefferson, I wish I could be around you all the time. You're awesome.
Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah? [they move in for a kiss]
Stan: [waking up] Aaaaagghhh! [looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson]
Mr. Jefferson: [opens his eyes] What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. [shuts his eyes] Oh, Jesus.
Mr. Jefferson: I think you're awesome too, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Cartman: Yeah? [they move in for a kiss]
Stan: [waking up] Aaaaagghhh! [looks round to see Cartman asleep and facing the ceiling and not Mr. Jefferson]
Mr. Jefferson: [opens his eyes] What's the matter, Stan? You have a bad dream?
Stan: Yeah, a really bad dream. [shuts his eyes] Oh, Jesus.
TV Show: South Park
[when the boys are all in preschool]
Stan: Dude, let's play firemen!
Kyle: Totally dude, let's play fireman!
Cartman: Jews can't be firemen!
Kyle: Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman: Don't call me fat you stupid jew!
Stan: Dude, let's play firemen!
Kyle: Totally dude, let's play fireman!
Cartman: Jews can't be firemen!
Kyle: Shut up, fat ass!
Cartman: Don't call me fat you stupid jew!
TV Show: South Park
News Reporter: Aaron, I'm standing at the Time Portal, which scientists say follows Terminator rules, that is it's one way only and you can't go back. This is in contrast to say, Back to the Future rules, where back and forth is possible, and of course Timerider rules which are just plain silly.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Hel-lo ma'am. We're going around town and offering snow-shoveling service. Would you like your driveway and sidewalk shoveled for eight thousand dollars?
Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?
Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!
Woman: Oh well, I certainly could use some little snow-shovelers, but eight thousand dollars seems a little steep. How about ten dollars?
Cartman: Ooh, ouch, ma'am, please, let go of that tight grip you have on my balls! Ten dollars, you're breaking my balls, ma'am!
TV Show: South Park
Weathers: [reading from a letter] Dear Intolerant Rednecks, we sympathize with you losing your jobs, but we believe your solution of shooting everyone who crosses the border is inhuman.
TV Show: South Park
Gooback: [with difficulty] Iggen arndrij? [points to the chicken sandwich sign]
Stan: No, not a chicken sandwich! I want a god damn cheesburger and some god damn fries, you fucking goobacks!
Randy: Stan Marsh!
Stan: Aw--Aww!
Stan: No, not a chicken sandwich! I want a god damn cheesburger and some god damn fries, you fucking goobacks!
Randy: Stan Marsh!
Stan: Aw--Aww!
TV Show: South Park
Bill O'Reilly: On my right is pissed-off white-trash redneck conservative and on my left is aging hippie liberal douche.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Jesus Christ…Dad?!
Randy: Stan?
Stan: Dad, oh my God!
Randy: Stan.
Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?
Randy: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.
Randy: Stan?
Stan: Dad, oh my God!
Randy: Stan.
Stan: What, Dad, are you dying?
Randy: No, I'm just really really tired. I was shopping at Wall-Mart all night.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Whoa, pixie sticks, 29 cents! [slips into a trance] Wall-Mart? Are you speaking to me? ...My friends...trying to hurt you again? Yes Wall-Mart, I understand.
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Three tickets to Bentonville, Arkansas, please.
Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
Cartman: Hey, guys, wait up. I wanna go with you and help out.
Kyle: No way. You want to come with us so you can betray us at some point and keep us from destroying Wall-Mart.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: Nu-uh.
Kyle: Yu-huh! You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
[Kenny and Stan walk off]
Kyle: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]
Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
[Kyle runs back]
Kyle: I heard that!
Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Cartman: That's not what I said!
[Stan comes back]
Stan: Dude, come on.
Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle: God damn it.
Stan: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Cartman: [offscreen] He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from suceeding!
Kyle: Yu-huh! You want to come with us so that later I can go "Ha ha, I was working for Wall-Mart all along" or something.
Cartman: I am not, Kyle!
Stan: Dude, just let him come, the bus is about to leave.
[Kenny and Stan walk off]
Kyle: Alright, fine. Come on, fat-ass.
[Kyle walks off; Cartman takes out a knife]
Cartman: Ha ha, you fools have no idea that I will never let you hurt the Wall-Mart.
[Kyle runs back]
Kyle: I heard that!
Cartman: Heard what?
Kyle: You said that we have no idea that you are never going to let us hurt the Wall-Mart.
Cartman: That's not what I said!
[Stan comes back]
Stan: Dude, come on.
Kyle: He's working for the Wall-Mart to stop us from succeeding!
Stan: Dude, we have to go.
Kyle: God damn it.
Stan: Well, hurry up if you're coming, Cartman!
Cartman: [offscreen] He he, you stupid fools have no idea that I'm actually working for the Wall-Mart to stop you from suceeding!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Goddamn, that took a long time.
Kyle: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires.
Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.
Kyle: It would have been faster if Cartman hadn't slashed the tires.
Cartman: I did not. I wanna close Wall-Mart just as much as you guys do.
TV Show: South Park
Dr. Doctor: From the test results, it would appear your child was tortured by a bully. He received a massive snuggie; his underwear pulled up so high it nearly killed him. He also received two Indian sunburns on his forearms, a charlie horse on the thigh, and a second-degree titty-twister. And from the damage to his head area, it appears he was also given a swirly-- a colossal one. It also looks like he received a noogie, and a Polish bike ride.
TV Show: South Park
Dr. Doctor: Boys, you have to let him rest. Some mean kid gave him a Texas Chili Bowl.
Stan: What's that?
Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.
Stan: What's that?
Dr. Doctor: It involves Tabasco sauce, a telephone, and the anus.
TV Show: South Park
[after the teacher gets injured]
Officer: Miss Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?
[the teacher beeps twice, which is supposed to mean no]
Officer: "Yes, Yes." Take him away!
Officer: Miss Claridge, did Trent Boyett do this to you?
[the teacher beeps twice, which is supposed to mean no]
Officer: "Yes, Yes." Take him away!
TV Show: South Park
Paris Hilton: [opening her new store] Have fun girls, and remember to party and be super-lame to everybody.
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [walks up to a group of girls and flips each one off in turn] Fuck you, Millie! Fuck you, Annie! Fuck you, Bebe! Fuck you, whatever-your-name-is! A-a-a-and fuck you, bitch!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: [after Mr. Slave shoves Paris Hilton up his anus] Now that's a whore!
TV Show: South Park
Singing critters: What special time! What special day! It's Woodland Critter Christmas!
Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!
Squirrely the Squirrel: Hail Satan!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: I am sorry that I killed your mom but the squirrel told me that she was evil.
Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?
Mountain Lion Cub: You got tricked by a squirrel? Gee, you are not too smart, are you mister?
TV Show: South Park
Beary the Bear: Gee whiz, Santa, you're not gonna kill me, are you?
[Santa shoots him]
[Santa shoots him]
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Stan! What the hell is going on?!
Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!
Stan: It's Critter Christmas, dude! It sucks ass!
TV Show: South Park