South Park Quotes
Old Man: Mr. Stotch? I know what you're thinkin'.
Mr. Stotch: Who are you?
Old Man: I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead...and not try to bring him back.
Mr. Stotch: Bring him back? Wha-what are you talking about?
Old Man: I know you're thinkin' of puttin' him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinkin' if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. Sometimes dead is better.
Mr. Stotch: Indian burial ground?
Old Man: It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85.
Mr. Stotch: You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground, that-
Old Man: Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why the stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, by the Andersons' barn. Sometimes, dead is better.
Mr. Stotch: Who are you?
Old Man: I came to talk you out of it. You need to just accept that your son is dead...and not try to bring him back.
Mr. Stotch: Bring him back? Wha-what are you talking about?
Old Man: I know you're thinkin' of puttin' him up there, in the Indian burial ground up that road. You're thinkin' if you bury his body there it'll come back to life. Sometimes dead is better.
Mr. Stotch: Indian burial ground?
Old Man: It's been done before, what you're thinkin' of. The Nelson boy, back in '85.
Mr. Stotch: You're saying if I dig up my son's body and rebury him at the old Indian burial ground, that-
Old Man: Don't do it, Stotch! What comes out of the ground ain't the thing you put in. The Indians knew that, that's why the stopped usin' it when the ground went sour. I'm just here to talk you out of it. [heads for the door] Don't bury your son's body at the Indian burial ground, Stotch! The one that's right up over there, by the Andersons' barn. Sometimes, dead is better.
TV Show: South Park
Kevin: You mean like that movie, Juwanna Mann?
Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!
Cartman: No, not like the movie Juwanna Mann! It's way cooler than that!
TV Show: South Park
Butters: [after his parents leave a dead body for him to eat] Can't I just have some Spaghetti-Os?
TV Show: South Park
Cartman: [after Kenny blows up the future-telling device with a mushroom cloud so large it can be seen from space] Damn, Ken!
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: We've completed our scientific non-biased study of fags having kids.
TV Show: South Park
Mr. Garrison: Look at the freak egg! It has two daddies! [teasing] Two daddies, two daddies!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: Do you really think my hat is stupid?
Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.
Stan: As a matter of fact, I think it is the nicest hat I have ever known.
TV Show: South Park
Mrs. Garrison: You know what we need? A good old-fashioned Fag Drag!
Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Actually, we don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.
Mrs. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?
Man in Anti-Homosexual Rally: Actually, we don't hate homosexuals... We just don't want them to get married.
Mrs. Garrison: [tries again] Fag drag?
TV Show: South Park
Governor: ...while gays can still live together as "butt buddies" and straights can keep the title of marriage sacred.
Lesbian in Crowd: What about lesbians?
[small murmurs among the lesbians]
Governor: Who gives a shit about fucking dykes?
Lesbian in Crowd: What about lesbians?
[small murmurs among the lesbians]
Governor: Who gives a shit about fucking dykes?
TV Show: South Park
Brian: Yeah, I'm afraid that you are completely miserable and totally depressed.
Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!
Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology
Stan: I am?! I didn't know that!
Brian: Well there's certainly no question that you are a perfect candidate for Scientology
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Dad, Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!
Randy: What?!
Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.
Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
Tom Cruise: No!
Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.
Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!
Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?
Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
Randy: Oh boy.
Randy: What?!
Stan: Tom Cruise locked himself in my closet and he won't come out.
Randy: [knocks on closet door] Mr. Cruise? Mr. Cruise, come out of the closet.
Tom Cruise: No!
Randy: Come on, Mr. Cruise, this is ridiculous.
Tom Cruise: I'm never coming out!
Randy: [to Stan] What did you say to him?
Stan: I just told him I thought the Napoleon Dynamite guy is a better actor than he is.
Randy: Oh boy.
TV Show: South Park
R. Kelly: [singing] But then I calm myself down, and I pull out my gun! [the crowds screams and panics]
Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'
R. Kelly: [singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta da closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!
Field Reporter: Oh geez, here we go with the gun again. [R. Kelly grabs a nearby woman]'
R. Kelly: [singing] If Tom Cruise and John Travolta don't come outta da closet, I'm gonna cap this bitch!
TV Show: South Park
Kyle: So what should we do now? It's Saturday! we have to have as much fun as possible.
Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.
Kenny: Hey, yeah!
Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
Cartman: Hey, I know, let's go play laser-tag at Fun-Plex.
Kenny: Hey, yeah!
Stan: No, I don't want to spend any money, you guys. Let's just find something fun that's free.
Cartman: Stan, don't you know the first law of physics? Anything that's fun costs at least $8.
TV Show: South Park
President: What's better than telling people a stupid story and having them believe you?! [Stan draws a blank] Having them PAY you for it, stupid!
TV Show: South Park
Nicole Kidman: Tom? Don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the closet.
Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.
Tom Cruise: But I'm...I'm not in the closet.
Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are, Tom, and you need to just end this and come out.
TV Show: South Park
Scientologist: You can't make fun of Scientology, kid! We are going to sue your ass and your balls!
TV Show: South Park
News Anchor: Cities like Denver and Salt Lake are heavily damaged, but still alright. However, San Francisco I'm afraid, has disappeared completely up its own asshole.
TV Show: South Park
Travolta: Hey Tom, it's me. It's John Travolta.
Cruise: ...Hey John.
Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygod!
Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.
Travolta: Okay...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
Cruise: Okay...but no tricks!
Travolta: No tricks. [gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in] Hey! It's really nice in here!
Cruise: Ya see?!
Travolta: I feel really safe, ohmygod!
[the group looks on]
Randy: [tries the door] HEY!
Cruise: ...Hey John.
Travolta: Tom, you have to come out of the closet, ohmygod!
Cruise: But I'm not in the closet.
Travolta: Okay...so, if you're not coming out, can I at least come in and talk to you?
Cruise: Okay...but no tricks!
Travolta: No tricks. [gives a thumbs up to the police and the Marshes. The door opens; he walks in] Hey! It's really nice in here!
Cruise: Ya see?!
Travolta: I feel really safe, ohmygod!
[the group looks on]
Randy: [tries the door] HEY!
TV Show: South Park
Stan: Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?
Randy: It's okay, Stan, I have some beer to keep my buzz going!
Randy: It's okay, Stan, I have some beer to keep my buzz going!
TV Show: South Park
AA Member: Do you know anything about alcoholism?
Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.
Stan: Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.
TV Show: South Park