Ted 2 Quotes
[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything] John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
Ted: We are so sorry!
Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.
Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.
Movie: Ted 2
Customer: Hey.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Ted: Hello.
Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.
Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.
Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?
Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...
Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?
Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.
Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?
Ted: No. No. You should be fine.
Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?
Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.
Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.
Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.
Customer: And... I won't be followed?
Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.
Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.
Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.
Movie: Ted 2
Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!
Ted: 9/11!
Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.
John: Robin Williams!
Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?
Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!
Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.
Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!
Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.
John: Ferguson, Missouri!
Ted: Germanwings cockpit!
Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!
Ted: No, you didn't!
John: Nobody said Starbucks.
Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?
Ted: Bill Cosby!
Comic: You people are monsters.
John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!
Movie: Ted 2
Ted: What's your middle name?
Samantha Jackson: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
Samantha Jackson: Leslie.
Ted: Oh, my God! You're Sam L. Jackson!
John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.
Samantha Jackson: Who is that?
Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.
Movie: Ted 2
Ted: Oh my God, John, did you see that? She was totally giving you the fuck me eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the fuck me eyes.
Samantha Jackson: What are the fuck me eyes?
Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have fuck me eyes.
Samantha Jackson: Do I have fuck me eyes?
Ted: No, you have Give me the ring, my precious eyes.
John: No, she wasn't.
Ted: She was giving you the fuck me eyes.
Samantha Jackson: What are the fuck me eyes?
Ted: Yeah, it's just some women just have fuck me eyes.
Samantha Jackson: Do I have fuck me eyes?
Ted: No, you have Give me the ring, my precious eyes.
Movie: Ted 2
Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.
Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.
Movie: Ted 2
Ted: What the fuck!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted: There's so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted: What are you talking about, private shit? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! Clockwise Rimjob? Counterclockwise Rimjob?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks With Dicks!
John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?
Ted: There's so much porn!
John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?
Ted: What are you talking about, private shit? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!
John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!
Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! Clockwise Rimjob? Counterclockwise Rimjob?
John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!
Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! Chicks With Dicks!
John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!
Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!
Movie: Ted 2
John: We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.
Movie: Ted 2
Samantha Jackson: Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...
Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts]Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: Fuck!
Comic-Con Fan: [interrupts]Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.
Film Executive: The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!
John: Fuck!
Movie: Ted 2
[from trailer] Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
Ted: Yup, bring it on.
Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?
Ted: Objection!
John: Sustained!
Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.
John: Overruled.
Ted: Sidebar.
John: Guilty!
Ted: Speculation.
John: Hearsay!
Ted: Bailiff.
John: Briefcase.
Ted: Disregard.
John: In my chambers.
Ted: Stop beavering the witness.
John: I rest.
Ted: We could totally be lawyers.
Movie: Ted 2
[drenched in semen] John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!
Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.
John: NO!
Ted: ...hashtag GrrrMondays.
Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.
John: NO!
Ted: ...hashtag GrrrMondays.
Movie: Ted 2
Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.
John: What?
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!
John: What?
Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.
John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!
Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...
John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!
Movie: Ted 2
Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.
Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!
Ted: Fine! [Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]
Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!
Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!
Ted: Fine! [Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]
Movie: Ted 2
[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick] Guy: Hey, Ted!
Ted: Guy?
Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted. [Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted: Hey, what's going on?
Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: [sighs]You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. [Guy stops a guest passing by]
Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh? [Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there. [noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy: Right on. You too, man. [Guy looks at his hands]
Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!
Ted: Guy?
Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted. [Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]
Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?
Ted: Hey, what's going on?
Guy: What are you doing here?
Ted: [sighs]You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?
Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.
Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds. [Guy stops a guest passing by]
Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh? [Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]
Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there. [noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]
Guy: Right on. You too, man. [Guy looks at his hands]
Guy: God dammit, that underwear had shit on it!
Movie: Ted 2
[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture] Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?
John: [texting]Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you.
John: [texting]Hashtag: My amazing summer.
Ted: God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you?
John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.
Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.
John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.
Ted: Oh, fuck you.
Movie: Ted 2
Samantha Jackson: Ted, do you love your wife?
Shep Wild: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha Jackson: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.
Shep Wild: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.
Samantha Jackson: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?
Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.
Movie: Ted 2
Frank: [Unrated version only]You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.
Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.
Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.
Movie: Ted 2
John: He's not my property. He's a person. He's way more of a person than lots of other people. I mean, fuckin' Steven Tyler? What the fuck is that, some kinda weird soccer mom looking Goonie monster?
Shep Wild: Your Honor!
Judge: I'll allow it.
Shep Wild: Your Honor!
Judge: I'll allow it.
Movie: Ted 2
Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?
John: Judy Bloome?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha Jackson: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused]What?
Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.
Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson: What? No!
John: Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be Fuck?
John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
John: Judy Bloome?
Ted: Hitler?
Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.
John: Who's that?
Samantha Jackson: The author.
John: Well, why are you saying fuck him?
Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused]What?
Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?
John: Yeah.
Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.
Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?
Samantha Jackson: What? No!
John: Well, what does the F stand for?
Samantha Jackson: Francis.
Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.
John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.
Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be Fuck?
John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?
Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.
Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.
Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.
Movie: Ted 2
[Guy throws his soda at a black guest wearing glasses] Guy: Thirsty, Urkel? [looks at Rick]
Guy: I fuckin' love this place.
Guy: I fuckin' love this place.
Movie: Ted 2
Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called Here Comes Autism.
John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called...How Long Has That Van Been There?
Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called Help Me Get Home.
John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called...How Long Has That Van Been There?
Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called Help Me Get Home.
Movie: Ted 2
Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version]I love New York.
John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York. [Out the car window, to a group]
Ted: Hello, Jews! [the groups says hello back]
John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.
Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York. [Out the car window, to a group]
Ted: Hello, Jews! [the groups says hello back]
Movie: Ted 2
[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display] Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.
Donny: [singing]Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline... [Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]
Ted: Bah, bah, bah! [Donny lunges at him]
Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch! [Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]
Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?
Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny: Okay. I have $40 here. [Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]
Donny: [singing]Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline... [Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]
Ted: Bah, bah, bah! [Donny lunges at him]
Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch! [Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]
Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?
Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,
Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!
Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.
Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.
Donny: Okay. I have $40 here. [Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]
Movie: Ted 2
[Unrated version only] Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.
Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.
John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.
Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!
Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!
Movie: Ted 2
[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name] John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: FUCKING...
Ted: Hahaha!
Ted: Clubber Lang!
John: FUCKING...
Ted: Hahaha!
Movie: Ted 2