That '70s Show Quotes
[The gang is hanging out in Hyde's room]
Jackie: Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
Fez: Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Jackie: Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Hyde: Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.
Jackie: Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
Fez: Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Jackie: Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Hyde: Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric laments about accidentally seeing Kelso's van plunge from Mt Hump]
Eric: Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
Donna: So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
Eric: Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
Donna: So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Kelso: Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good luck, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy Simpson: You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso: Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric: Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso: Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso and Suzy: Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
Kelso: Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good luck, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
Suzy Simpson: You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
Hyde: You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Kelso: Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Eric: Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
Suzy: Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Jackie: Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Kelso: Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
Suzy: We back up our own.
Kelso and Suzy: Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red: [imitating Eric]Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!
Red: [imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
Eric: [imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red: [imitating Eric]Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
Eric: [imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez is absent from the Circle after Kelso and Fez have a falling out.]
Eric: Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
Eric: Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle.
[Scene change]
Eric: MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
Eric: Donna, I think I know how to be subtle.
[Scene change]
Eric: MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
Kelso: It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Fez: Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Kelso: Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Hyde: Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kelso: Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Jackie: Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
Kelso: So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]
Pastor Dan: Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Eric: Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
Pastor Dan: Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Donna: Wow. I never thought about it that way.
Pastor Dan: Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Eric: Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
Pastor Dan: Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]
Pastor Dan: Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Eric: Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Donna: Eric!
Eric: Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
Pastor Dan: Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Donna: Wow. I never thought about it that way.
Pastor Dan: Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Eric: Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
Pastor Dan: Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red is not pleased that Kitty's serving tea]
Red: This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Kitty: Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
Red: [stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
Pam Burkhart: Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
Red: [taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.
Red: This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Kitty: Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
Red: [stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
Pam Burkhart: Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
Red: [taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Donna just told Kitty about her and Jackie discovering Bob and Pam in a hot tub]
Kitty: Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?
Red: [overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?
Kitty: There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!
Red: Yes I did.
Kitty: No you didn't.
Red: Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]
Kitty: Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?
Red: [overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?
Kitty: There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!
Red: Yes I did.
Kitty: No you didn't.
Red: Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are jealous of Bob dating Pam]
Hyde: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
Eric: I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
Kelso: One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
Hyde: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
Eric: I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
Kelso: One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
Kitty: I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
Pam: [walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red: Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde and Fez visit Kelso at the police academy. Officer Kennedy sees the trio]
Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike.
Kelso: Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
Kennedy: Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Hyde: Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
Fez: I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
Kennedy: Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso: No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Kennedy: Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
Kelso: He's a good man.
Hyde: All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
Officer Kennedy: Cadet Mike.
Kelso: Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
Kennedy: Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Hyde: Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
Fez: I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
Kennedy: Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
Kelso: No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Kennedy: Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
Kelso: He's a good man.
Hyde: All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three.
[Kitty looks at Red]
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red: What are you, an animal?
Kitty: But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red: How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
Kitty: You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red: If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Eric: Dad, you were there for three.
[Kitty looks at Red]
Red: What are you, an animal?
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez catches Red reading a romantic novel]
Fez: So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red: Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!
Fez: So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red: Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Mitch! Congratulations this seems like the perfect job for someone your size what with the free lodging in the castle on hole six.
Mitch: Yeah there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
Kelso: yeah the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.
Mitch: Yeah there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
Kelso: yeah the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Mitch: [after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5: 15 at the playground — you be there!
Donna: Why not just do it at 5: 00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!
Donna: Why not just do it at 5: 00?
Mitch: I have swimming lessons!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of Mt.Hump. Kelso is sitting in a canoe.]
Hyde: Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
Kelso: [holds up paddle] Duh.
Fez: Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Kelso: Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
Hyde: I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Kelso: Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Hyde: Falling for what?
Kelso: The old helmet gag.
Hyde: Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Kelso: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
Hyde and Fez: One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Kelso: Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!
Hyde: Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
Kelso: [holds up paddle] Duh.
Fez: Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Kelso: Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
Hyde: I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Kelso: Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Hyde: Falling for what?
Kelso: The old helmet gag.
Hyde: Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Kelso: Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
Hyde and Fez: One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Kelso: Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.
Kelso: No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
Eric: No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Hyde: Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Eric: Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
Hyde: That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Eric: Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Kelso: Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
Hyde: So who's gonna be your best man?
Eric: Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Hyde: Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
Kelso: All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
Hyde: You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Kelso: Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.
Kelso: No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
Eric: No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Hyde: Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Eric: Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
Hyde: That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Eric: Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Kelso: Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
Hyde: So who's gonna be your best man?
Eric: Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Hyde: Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
Kelso: All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
Hyde: You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Kelso: Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.
TV Show: That '70s Show
[The gang, the Formans and Bob are in the Forman living room after Eric failed to arrive at the wedding rehearsal. Hyde answers a phone call.]
Hyde: Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.
Donna: Hyde, what did he say?
Hyde: He said he's really sorry.
Donna: He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?
Hyde: It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.
Kelso: Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?
Hyde: Hello... Yeah, we kinda figured... Uh-huh ... Well, do you wanna talk to her? She sittin' right here... Okay [hangs up] Wrong number.
Donna: Hyde, what did he say?
Hyde: He said he's really sorry.
Donna: He's sorry? He left me the day before our wedding, and he's sorry? What.. what does that mean?
Hyde: It means he's not coming. Not tonight, not to the wedding. He's gone.
Kelso: Man, I am glad to be here. I have had a rough day. Being around all this love and happiness oughtta cheer me right up. I mean, this is a happy day. Look at all the love. Wait, hey, where's Eric?
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Hyde is in the hospital after falling off the water tower while with Donna]
Fez: You look dorky.
Donna: Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Fez: Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Jackie: [enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
Hyde: And you brought me flowers?
Jackie: No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Kitty: Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Hyde: I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
Fez: You look dorky.
Donna: Hyde, I am so sorry. I don't know my own strength. I mean, I guess I'm still all bulked up from J.V. Wrestling. You know what? This isn't my fault. This is Eric's fault for taking off.
Fez: Hey, look at the bright side. Now I can spy on you from Eric's empty bedroom instead of climbing up a tree where there's no place to put my juice box.
Kelso: Man, I can't believe I missed you falling out of the water tower. So I'm at home, and I'm watching Scooby-Doo, and I think to myself: "You know what? You should go and hang out with Hyde and Donna." And then I think, "No, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time." But it wasn't. It was just another crazy old guy.
Jackie: [enters room] Oh, Steven, I heard what happened.
Hyde: And you brought me flowers?
Jackie: No, these are for me. My boyfriend fell off the water tower. So what, Donna, you're alone, and you want me to be alone, too?
Kitty: Okay, Steven, get on home. I'll take care of you later. Trade you a kiss for a lollipop.
Hyde: I don't need that baby crap [he waits till the guys are out of the room, turns back and gives Kitty a kiss]
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Midge returns]
Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie: [enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob: [walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge: I came to see donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob: Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
Pam: "Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge: I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna: Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie: Your mom is staying with us?
Donna: No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie: What about my mom?
Donna: Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob: I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
Donna: Mom, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here.
Midge: Well, there are times when a mother has to be there for her baby, like now and, I guess, when she's born.
Kelso: You know, Mrs. Pinciotti, in my younger days, I had quite the crush on you even though I knew nothing could ever happen. But now that I'm older, and I'm gonna be a father soon, if anything does happen, we gotta keep it quiet.
Jackie: [enters room] Steven, you're late. Where.. Midge! Hey.. what a surprise. Huh. I should probably return these earrings I didn't know were yours.
Bob: [walks in with Pam] Midge, what are you doing here?
Midge: I came to see donna. Who's the amazon?
Bob: Oh, this is my, uh, friend.
Pam: "Friend"? I don't think so. Hi, I'm Pam, the best thing that ever happened to him.
Midge: I'm Midge, the second best thing that ever happened to him.
Donna: Dad, I invited her to stay with us.
Jackie: Your mom is staying with us?
Donna: No, your mom is staying with us.
Jackie: What about my mom?
Donna: Well, that's not my mom, that's your mom.
Bob: I'm confused. Who am I sleeping with?
TV Show: That '70s Show
Eric: Life is like a train. It's barring down on you and guess what? it's gonna hit you. So you can either start running when it's far off in the distance or you can pull up a chair, crack open a beer and just watch it come.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Jackie: Hey Fez I think I have something in my eye.
Fez: Is it Donna's engagement ring?
Jackie: No. No it's too big for that.
Hyde: Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Eric: Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]
Kelso: Burn!
Donna: I didn't say anything!
Kelso: Then say something.
Donna: It could've been bigger.
Kelso: BURN!
Fez: Is it Donna's engagement ring?
Jackie: No. No it's too big for that.
Hyde: Maybe we should get some doctor's masks. So we don't accidentally inhale Donna's ring.
Eric: Okay. okay. Donna, you though the engagement ring was big enough right? [Donna hesitates]
Kelso: Burn!
Donna: I didn't say anything!
Kelso: Then say something.
Donna: It could've been bigger.
Kelso: BURN!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red, Kitty, and the gang gets to know Hyde's real father]
Red: : So William? What kind of work do you do?
William Barnett: I own a chain of record stores.
Hyde: Record stores...That’s cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?
Barnett: I don’t like cops.
Hyde: I don’t like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?
Barnett: I don’t know because they[points up] don’t want me to know.
Red: : So William? What kind of work do you do?
William Barnett: I own a chain of record stores.
Hyde: Record stores...That’s cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?
Barnett: I don’t like cops.
Hyde: I don’t like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?
Barnett: I don’t know because they[points up] don’t want me to know.
TV Show: That '70s Show
Red: [To Kelso] I want to kill you and mount your head on the T.V.! And if it helps me get better reception, it will do more for me then you have ever done in your life!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Fez comes in looking extremely distraught.]
Donna: Fez, what happened? I haven't seen you look like this since you found out Candyland isn't a real country!
Donna: Fez, what happened? I haven't seen you look like this since you found out Candyland isn't a real country!
TV Show: That '70s Show
W.B.: So, Steven, how was your first day?
Hyde: Well, I'm kinda glad there isn't a window in here...because I woulda jumped out of it.
W.B.: [laughing] Ah, you kids and your suicide jokes!
Hyde: Well, I'm kinda glad there isn't a window in here...because I woulda jumped out of it.
W.B.: [laughing] Ah, you kids and your suicide jokes!
TV Show: That '70s Show
[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]
Red: Kitty, we don't need "The Joy Of Sex."
Kitty: Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
Red: But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
Kitty: [browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Red: Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
Eric: [enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Kitty: Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Eric: Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
Red: I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
Eric: But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Kitty: Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
Eric: [to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!
Red: Kitty, we don't need "The Joy Of Sex."
Kitty: Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
Red: But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
Kitty: [browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Red: Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
Eric: [enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Kitty: Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Eric: Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
Red: I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
Eric: But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Kitty: Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
Eric: [to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!
TV Show: That '70s Show
Kelso: I'm sorry. Look, I've been screwed by Darwinism... never needed to evolve listening skills 'cause my looks are so highly developed.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
Donna: Um, that's not how evolution works.
Kelso: Yeah, sure it is. Look, say I had to catch my own food, right? But I only ate really fast animals? My feet would eventually evolve into rockets.
Hyde: Man, it's amazing your brain doesn't evolve into pudding.
TV Show: That '70s Show