The Colbert Report Quotes
Stephen: There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends that are going to hell.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: So you're the Fashion Editor at the Washington Post. Isn't that like being the Dance Critic at the Southern Baptist Convention?
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [On Condoleezza Rice] Yeah, I agree, she is sexy in sort of an ice-cold preying mantis sort-of-way.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [weeping] We were the Steel Magnolia Ya-Ya Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [On not winning the 2006 Pulitzer Prize] Come on, that's easy! That's like winning an Oscar for playing a retarded guy. It's a gimme! So from now on, let's just say that Stephen Colbert is not me, he's a character, and he's retarded but he doesn't know it.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: I know that the pope's infallible, but that doesn't mean he can't make mistakes.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: I talked to Bay Buchanan, founder of the Political Action Committee, to get immigrants out of America. Sounds like a hard job. We should find some immigrants to do that.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: You know, the World Cup is still going on and I thought that if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away... Like my emotions. (from 2006)
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Remember: Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: I've said it before: equations are the devil's sentences. The worst one is that quadratic equation, an infernal salad of numbers, letters, and symbols.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Atheism: the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [On speculation that JK Rowling will kill off Harry Potter in the seventh book.] Wise move. He's a wizard; he should have been stoned a long time ago. Leviticus, read it!"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: And of course I don't go anywhere without my pet goldfish, Anthrax. I always tell security I'm carrying Anthrax. Yeah, sure I get a lot of guff about it, but it's a family name; I'm not changing it.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: [On Joe Lieberman.] He's running as an independent Democrat which, if I'm not mistaken, is the political equivalent of a Labradoodle.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: In order to keep ourselves safe, we must first take the safety off.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Need I remind you that if the Democrats take control of Congress, Democrats will be in control of Congress!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: America is in the middle of a coast-to-coast heat wave. Good thing for you, I'm America's biggest fan.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Washington is dangerously positioned between two Canadas, Canada Canada and California's Canada, Oregon.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: You see, we're America the Beautiful, not America 'Well, At Least She Has a Great Personality'.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what are the facts.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Changing 'French fries' to 'Freedom fries' was arguably this Republican Congress's greatest accomplishment.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen: Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one... Fox News. That is within a margin of error of plus-or-minus the facts.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
[having referenced how God is punishing the earth with hurricanes and strokes]
Stephen Colbert: And Oregon, where do you get off letting people commit suicide? If God wanted them to die, he would send hurricanes and blood clots.
Stephen Colbert: And Oregon, where do you get off letting people commit suicide? If God wanted them to die, he would send hurricanes and blood clots.
TV Show: The Colbert Report