The Colbert Report Quotes
[repeated line]
Stephen Colbert: And *you* sir... are a Formidable Opponent.
Stephen Colbert: And *you* sir... are a Formidable Opponent.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
[repeated line]
Stephen Colbert: Until next time, I'll see you in *health*!
Stephen Colbert: Until next time, I'll see you in *health*!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
[Stephen eats some "Soylent Green", which looks like green colored toast or something similar, and says the following line like Charlton Heston: ]
Stephen Colbert: Soylent Green is Delicious!
Stephen Colbert: Soylent Green is Delicious!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: ["Formidable Opponent: " Stephen Colbert debating with Stephen Colbert on charity] But, I could take care of my minimal needs and send the rest of the money to the poor.
Stephen Colbert: Okay, think about this: You could buy a $100,000 Mercedes S600, or you could buy a $10,000 pile of crap from Korea and give the left over 110,000 to...
Stephen Colbert: An orphanage?
Stephen Colbert: Whatever lets you sleep. One day, you go to check on your orphans. It's raining, and you don't have the benefits of that fine German engineering. You spin out of control. You're like a loose lawnmower blade. And what's that ahead? It's your orphans! They've come out into the street to thank you for your selfless gift.
Stephen Colbert: Get out of the street orphans!
Stephen Colbert: Oh, I forgot to mention: They're deaf.
Stephen Colbert: Noooooo!
Stephen Colbert: Yes. Yeah, tragedy. Tragedy all because you didn't care enough to make a difference for yourself.
Stephen Colbert: Wow. You've really opened my eyes, Stephen. Say, um, does it have to be a car?
Stephen Colbert: No, it could be a really sweet boat.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [commenting on how James Frey upset Oprah] You can lie all you want, but you upset Oprah! That is *it*! I have no choice but to call a nationwide boycott of James Frey! Not the book... which is fantastic. Everyone should read it. I don't know how he got through half that stuff!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [debating himself on torture] This is America. We don't torture. Respect for human life is what separates us from those we're fighting. If we stoop to their level, in a way, we've already lost.
Stephen Colbert: But if we don't stoop to their level, we might lose in a worse way... by actually losing.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [Debating Russ Lieber on minimum wage] Look, people don't have to work for what I'm paying them, they don't have to show up. It's not slave labor. By the way, slave labor- I'm against it. Rebuttal?
Russ Lieber: Um, well... I'm against it too.
Stephen Colbert: I accept your apology. Look, they tried your idea in Russia. Minimum wage is just line item Communism! All right? The government is controlling the economy. We won the Cold War, Mr Lieber, fair and square.
Russ Lieber: Well, I don't see what the Cold War has to do with this.
Stephen Colbert: Then why don't you support our troops?
Russ Lieber: I, I do! I don't see what that has to do with...
Stephen Colbert: So it'd be better for you if Saddam were back in power?
Russ Lieber: No, we were talking about minimum wage.
Stephen Colbert: On September 11'th, 2001...
Russ Lieber: Oh come on, September 11'th has nothing to do with this!
Stephen Colbert: I am not gonna let anyone sit here and bad mouth our firemen! No way! Sorry, not on my show, mister! Cut off his mike!
Russ Lieber: Oh, now wait a second!
Stephen Colbert: Cut off his mike! [Lieber's mike is cut off, but he's still talking]
Stephen Colbert: I can still hear him, what is that? Is he coming through my mike? Cut off my mike!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [Discussing a Today Show segment on whether men should cry] It's never okay for men to cry! You know who cries? Girls. And little babies. And little baby girls. Man holds it in! Until his eyeballs swell to the size of baseballs, his throat feels like it's about to explode, and his gut just aches like there's a snake wrapped around his heart! That's why we die earlier, but it's worth it! At least we don't look weak while we're alive. But I got a bigger beef with this interview. Why is Matt Lauer doing it? First off, he doesn't know the history of psychology, Tom Cruise does! That's been proven to my satisfaction. Second, the man's a pansy! Katie Couric would have nailed this guy! She's the only reason I watch that show! Really, the only reason I get up most mornings! Moving on to Tom DeLay.
Bobby: Stephen?
Stephen Colbert: Bobby, I'm doing the show right now.
Bobby: Stephen?
Stephen Colbert: What is it?
Bobby: Katie Couric actually announced this morning that she's leaving the Today Show.
Stephen Colbert: [Stunned] She what?
Bobby: Yeah, she said she's leaving the Today Show to go anchor the CBS Evening News.
Stephen Colbert: [after a very long, shocked pause] Oh. Good... well I'm sure she'll do- Katie! [Starts crying]
Stephen Colbert: Why? [Has a loud crying fit]
Stephen Colbert: No! [Pounds his fist on the desk]
Stephen Colbert: No! You're my morning flower! You don't wanna anchor the news, there's no cooking segment! [Points to Bobby]
Stephen Colbert: You're a LIAR! She didn't say that! Jimmy, tell me she didn't say that, tell me he's lying! [a clip shows of Katie Couric's announcement that she's leaving the Today Show, ending by saying she and the audience have become friends] <
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [Discussing Martin Luther King] Dr King envisioned a day when the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners, could sit down together at the table of brotherhood. For a feast of plently. I believe that day has come. And what I wanna know is... what will we have for dessert? I can't speak for others, but for my own part... I have a dreamsicle. [Holds up a popsicle]
Stephen Colbert: Mr King saw the South sweltering with the heat of oppression! Well, what better way to cool off than with a frozen... tasty confection? I have... a dreamsicle. [Takes a bite out of the popsicle]
Stephen Colbert: He wanted children not to be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character! Just like this dreamsicle! If you judged it souly by it's outer shell, you'd think it was a sorbe. You'd be missing out on all it's inner, creamy contents. [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: I have a dreamsicle! Look at the way the white and the orange are working together, side by side in harmony. [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: Mmm... I really wish you could taste this! If you think of the orange part as white people, and the white part as black people, it's almost as if the two races are holding hands. Because all men are created equal... equally delicious! I have a dreamsicle! [Takes another bite]
Stephen Colbert: And... in his last lines, Dr King envisions every valley exhaulted, every hill made... GOD! [Holds his forehead]
Stephen Colbert: Aggh, brain freeze! Oohhh... ahhh! Oh Jesus, that hurt! Ugh, forget it! Nothing's worth this pain... good night.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [discussing terrorists escaping prison through large tunnels] Projects this size cannot merely be accomplished by mere humans. It seems that our enemies are in league... with the mole men. Now what gets me here is that the mole men are supposed to be peaceful creatures! Superman defended them against an angry mob of townsfolk who feared that which they could not understand! Why would they consort with the enemy? Wait... wait, I got it! It's the C.H.U.D! Which I don't need to tell you are the Cannabalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers! C.H.U.D... now you've gone too far.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [Discussing the potential ports deal with Dubai] I hesitate to say this, but while Bush may, in fact, be right, it feels like Bush... is wrong. Ooh! [Holds his gut]
Stephen Colbert: Oh, that hurts my gut! Oh, cause my gut tells me George Bush is always right! Oh God! [Holds his head]
Stephen Colbert: That hurts my brain, cause this is so clearly not the right gut political decision for him to have made! Ooh, there's my gut again! Bush is right... aggh, he's wrong... gahh, he's right... noo! Agh, he can't be both wrong and right at the same time!
"The Word" side-screen: "Does Not Compute!"
Stephen Colbert: ...or can he? Has he really gotten that advanced? Oh splendor, it all coheres! It doesn't have to make sense to my head or my gut!
"The Word" side-screen: "Or Your Bulletpoint"
Stephen Colbert: We just have to do what he says no matter what! Oh, that's gonna make things a lot easier. Well there it is. Bush is right! Absolutely!
"The Word" side-screen: "Maybe"
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [interviewing Tim Robbins] I don't think I need to tell you, I have, I'm really split on you, Mr Robbins. On one hand, I think you are a true artist, who through your work is enriching our culture. On the other side, I think your politics are killing us by inches. Okay? So I'm not exactly sure what kinda question to lead off with here. Why don't I try to split the difference? What's it like working with Clint Eastwood, and why do you hate our troops?
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [Stephen states that celebrities are the ones to listen to about love] Thankfully, there are three celebrity relationship that are strong enough not only to last, but to teach the rest of us. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, and William H Macy and Felicity Huffman. From their example, I've created "Stephen's Laws of Love" There are four laws, follow them and you'll be a happy and succesful husband and/or wife. Law number one: find someone who's name can be merged with yours to form a marketable nickname. Just like Brangelina, Bennifer 2, or... Fillam H. Muffman... [Stephen cracks up over the name, putting his cards over his face, but still visibly cracking up in a rare display]
Stephen Colbert: The merged names... the merged names symbolize your un... [He cracks up again]
Stephen Colbert: ... got a little something in my eye there. The merged names symbolize your unity and creates headline space, so that the phrase "sex tape" can be printed below it in a larger font. Law number two, marry someone within... [Stephen almost cracks up again]
Stephen Colbert: ... marry someone in the exact same field as you. If possible, someone you work with. After all, it worked for "Mr and Mrs Smith", "Daredevil" and "The Splendiferous Zeppelin Escapades of Filliam H. Muffman" Not enough people saw that one.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: [the terrorist group Hamas has started a children's TV show featuring bears; Stephen hates bears] Hamas, until you break off your alliance with the bears, you're on notice.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Am I right? [applause]
Stephen Colbert: Evidently I'm right.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Anyone can *read* the news *to* you. What I plan to do is *feel* the news *at* you.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Before I go, I'd like to share a little something with you. Not everybody knows this, but before I was a newsman, I had a band. Actually, right before I was a newsman, I was a carnival roustabout... but before that I had a band. Back in the 80's. Stephen and the Colberts. We mostly did love songs and power ballads, and since this is our last show before Valentine's Day, I'd like to play one of our videos. So this love song goes out from me to each and every one of you... but especially, to one of you. Cause there's a special hidden message in this video, to a very special hidden lady.
Stephen Colbert: [Wearing bad 80's clothes in the 80's video, set to an 80's beat as he sings on a rooftop] Every time I see you, I think of you!/Every time I'm near you, I think of you!/I think of you, when I dream of you, when I'm taking pictures of you!/I think of you when I'm in a blimp, looking down from up above you!/... you know I'm missing you... /... my mind is kissing you/I'm right behind you now Charlene!/Waiting, watching, oh so close!/I'm right behind you now, Charlene!/You'll never be alone again, no... [Plays his guitar until the video ends]
Stephen Colbert: [Back in the present] You know... 20 years later, I still feel the same. By the way, Charlene, technically this does not violate the restraining order.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Caution: This show may be a suffocation hazard because you can't poke holes in my arguments!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one.
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: Don't worry Republicans. Just like the Lord you shall rise again.
"The Word" side-screen: Lord Voldemort
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: George Bush... great president, or the greatest president?
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines!
TV Show: The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why does it hurt when I spray them with Windex?
TV Show: The Colbert Report