The Daily Show Quotes
Ed Helms: Jon, I'm here at the hospital where Austin lawyer and Republican fundraiser Harry Whittington is in stable condition after being shot by Vice President Dick Cheney during a weekend quail hunting expedition. Doctors say he's recovering quickly after being shot in the face by the vice president. I'll be here all day with continuous coverage of how Vice President Dick Cheney shot a 78-year-old man in the face, after he mistook him for a small bird.
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Ed Helms: July 14 is Bastille Day, when the people of France released the prisoners being held in the Bastille. Not just the *political* prisoners, mind you; *all* the prisoners.
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Ed Helms: Oooh look, I'm a Democrat. I'm going to block your nomination. Oooh look, I'm a Republican. I'm going to block your blocking of the nomination. Oooh look, I'm Ted Kennedy. I have man boobies.
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Ed Helms: Say what you will about Fascism, Jon, but at least *then* you knew when the fake election was.
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Samantha Bee: As you know, the cornerstone of Edwards' campaign has been the idea of two Americas. Take a look. [John Edwards describes "two Americas" in several clips]
Samantha Bee: See that? Two Americas. The bad news is, in *this* America, John Edwards has had his ass handed to him. However, in the other America, Edwards is doing quite well. In fact, he's won twenty-nine of thirty contests. Quite impressive.
Jon Stewart: Now, Samantha, how did he manage to lose a primary in another America of his own invention?
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Samantha Bee: But really let's face it, all other days bow down to the 25th: Christmas. It's the only religious holiday that's also a Federal holiday. That way Christians can go to their services and everyone else can stay home and reflect on the true meaning of Separation of Church and State.
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Samantha Bee: Just because something happens in nature doesn't make it "natural."
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Samantha Bee: Lieberman is eager to campaign down South where, and this is a direct quote, "A soft-spoken New England Jew has the advantage."
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Samantha Bee: Oh, crap, I forgot Chanukah! Ooh! Chanukah's on the 7th. How could I forget the holiday that starts on a different day every year and commemorates a lamp not going out?
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Samantha Bee: Upon hearing of Sadam's capture, Wesley Clark exclaimed, and I'm quoting here, 'You're (beep)ing me. Please say you're (beep)ing me.' He added 'You'd better be (beep)ing me.'
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Bob Wiltfong: Christmas has been saved from many things like Scrooge, The Grinch and Kathy Lee Gifford.
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Himself - Correspondent: Children. After oil, they're our most valuable national resource.
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Zell Miller: [speech during Justice Sunday] Isn't it strange that a government requires a no-smoking sign around gas pumps to remind us of that danger, but then thinks we don't need to be reminded of the danger of living a sinful life?
Jon Stewart: You know I... [shakes head]
Jon Stewart: I gotta say, I think it's the way it should be. No-smoking signs by gas stations, no religion in the public square. The government should keep us from being engulfed in flames on earth and that's pretty much it.
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Zell Miller: I don't think that when our founding fathers came along they expected freedom of speech to mean that you could have this gangsta rap going in kids ears.
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Richard Clarke: The very fact that somebody who saw all the material, saw all the evidence, has been around for years doing this kind of stuff would have the temerity to say, "You know, I think the President was really wrong to go into Iraq 'cause that really hurt the war on terrorism... "
Jon Stewart: Again, because we're on Comedy Central, I think you may have to change the word "temerity" to "balls".
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Dan Bakkedahl: [sobbing] Don't look at me! [taking off shirt]
Dan Bakkedahl: Just take whatever you need! I just want to act! [eerie music plays]
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Announcer: [from 'The Colbert Report' sketches] The Colbert Report: Winner of the 2005 Peabody Award!
Stephen Colbert: If the voters have any balls! Well, do ya, voters? Do you have any balls? Because I do! Let me show you!
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Announcer: Ever wonder what 250 identical chairs look like? Then come to a free taping of The Daily Show With John Stewart.
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Announcer: Ever wonder what 250 identical chairs look like? Then come to a free taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.
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Announcer: Need a hug? Then call now for free tickets to a taping of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. And good luck with that hug.
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Announcer: The Daily Show - the only news program with no credibility left to lose.
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Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. The most important television program... ever.
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Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. We're getting a helicopter... soon.
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Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Where more Americans get their news than any other nationality.
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Announcer: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart: where more Americans get their news than probably should.
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Bill Donahue: Who really cares what Hollywood thinks? All these hacks come out there. Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general, and Catholicism in particular. It's not a secret, okay? And I'm not afraid to say it. That's why they hate this movie. It's about Jesus Christ, and it's about truth. It's about the Messiah. Hollywood likes anal sex. They like to see the public square without nativity scenes. I like families. I like children. They like abortions. I believe in traditional values and restraint. They believe in libertarianism. We have nothing in common.
Jon Stewart: What the fuck is this guy's problem?
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Dennis Kucinich (Recorded interview on Larry King): Well, I'm looking forward to the upcoming primaries down south, I think I'm doing pretty well. I got more than one percent of the vote in the last primary.
Jon Stewart: Huzzah! More than one out of a hundred people has voted 'Kucinich!' Break out the champagne!
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George W. Bush: I think we're welcomed in Iraq.
Jon Stewart: Apparently the rocket-propelled grenade is the Iraqi equivalent of "aloha".
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Mel Gibson: [during an interview with Diane Sawyer] God ordains everything. God made my bed, you know?
Jon Stewart: ...Mel Gibson is one lazy mother [beep]
Jon Stewart: . Can't you make your own bed? God has things to do! Make your bed! God can't say, "I have to end a famine... Oh, wait! Gibson's bed!"
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