The IT Crowd Quotes
Moss: What was all that about?
Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.
Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
Roy: Well, like all women, she's shoe mad.
Moss: That's a bit sexist, isn't it?
Roy: Do you know one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: My mum's on Friendface. My mum! I've opened up another channel of communication with my mum.
Jen: Isn't that good?
Moss: No, it is not good! She has put down her current mood as 'sensual'.
Jen: Isn't that good?
Moss: No, it is not good! She has put down her current mood as 'sensual'.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?
Moss: Yes.
Roy: You turned it off?
Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did.
Roy: Because you remember what happened last time, right?
Moss: Yes. That was very funny!
Roy: Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.
Moss: Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.
Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire.
Moss: Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire".
Roy: Just make sure it's off.
Roy: It is off. I think.
Roy: Well just make sure it is.
Moss: I will make sure it is.
Roy: And if it's already off...?
Moss: ...I'll just walk away. [Roy exits]
Moss: Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.
Moss: Yes.
Roy: You turned it off?
Moss: Oh I'm fairly sure I did.
Roy: Because you remember what happened last time, right?
Moss: Yes. That was very funny!
Roy: Well, no, no. It was very dangerous and someone nearly died.
Moss: Right. No. Yeah, I was thinking of a different incident, the one on the golf course.
Roy: What? I'm talking about the fire.
Moss: Oh yeah. Fire. Sorry. I always get confused between "golf" and "fire".
Roy: Just make sure it's off.
Roy: It is off. I think.
Roy: Well just make sure it is.
Moss: I will make sure it is.
Roy: And if it's already off...?
Moss: ...I'll just walk away. [Roy exits]
Moss: Get off my back. What is he, the soldering iron police?... It's off. That means I turn in on, and just walk away.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: [answers phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Ugh, OK, well the button on the side, is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on. Erm, the button turns it on. Yeah, you... you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.
Moss: [answers other phone] Hello, IT. Yeah-ha. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: [still on phone] No, there you go. No, there you go. I just heard it come on. No no, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past?
Moss: [still on phone] See. the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory... Hello? [puts phone down]
Roy: [still on phone] Oh really? Really? Well, why don't you come down here and make me, then? What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [hangs up phone]
Roy: That told her.
Moss: [answers other phone] Hello, IT. Yeah-ha. Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: [still on phone] No, there you go. No, there you go. I just heard it come on. No no, that's the music you hear when it comes on. No that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past?
Moss: [still on phone] See. the driver hooks the function by patching the system call table, so it's not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory... Hello? [puts phone down]
Roy: [still on phone] Oh really? Really? Well, why don't you come down here and make me, then? What? You think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [hangs up phone]
Roy: That told her.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT. Have you tried turning it off and on again? Uh... okay, well, the button on the side, is it glowing? ...yeah, you need to turn it on... uh, the button turns it on... yeah, you do know how a button works don't you? No, not on clothes.
Moss: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT.... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past?
Moss: See the driver hooks a function by patching the system core table, so its not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?
Roy: Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams down phone] I told her.
Moss: [picking up the phone] Hello, IT.... Have you tried forcing an unexpected reboot?
Roy: No, no there you go, no there you go. I just heard it come on... no, no, that's the music you heard when it come on... no, that's the music you hear when... I'm sorry are you from the past?
Moss: See the driver hooks a function by patching the system core table, so its not safe to unload it unless another thread's about to jump in there and do its stuff, and you don't want to end up in the middle of invalid memory! [chuckle] Hello?
Roy: Oh really? Then why don't you come down and make me then. Huh, what you think I'm afraid of you? I'm not afraid of you. You can come down here any time and I'll be waiting for you! [slams down phone] I told her.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: I mean, they have no respect for us up there! No respect whatsoever! We're all just drudgeons to them!
Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed--
Moss: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them!... Actually, that doesn't work, as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages.
Moss: Yes! If there were such a thing as a drudgeon, that is what we'd be to them.
Roy: It's like they're pally-wally with us when there's a problem with their printer, but once it's fixed--
Moss: They just toss us away like yesterday's jam.
Roy: Yes! Yesterday's jam. That is what we are to them!... Actually, that doesn't work, as a thing, because, you know, jam lasts for ages.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
TV Advert Narrator: [Voicing an Emergency Services advert] Has this ever happened to you? : [The old woman on the advert twists her ankle and falls down stairs, gets up and falls down second flight of stairs before picking up her phone and trying to dial 999] From today, dialing 999 won't get you the Emergency Services, and that's not the only thing that's changing! [upbeat music starts, followed by close-ups and shots of new emergency vehicles and team] Nicer ambulances, faster response times and better looking drivers mean they're not just the Emergency Services, they're your Emergency Services. So, remember the new number! : [upbeat voice singing to jingle] 0118 999! 88199, 9119 725! [short pause] 3! That's [number is repeated in similar style whilst the old woman dials the number and waits]
Old Woman: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.
Moss: [watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [pauses] 3!
Roy: [listening to Moss, speaking with his mouth full] I don't see how they couldn't just keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999-
Roy: Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.
Moss: That's the American one, you berk!
Old Woman: Hello? I've had a bit of a tumble.
Moss: [watching the ad] Well that's easy to remember. [singing in a similar style to the advert] 0118 999 881 999 119 725! [pauses] 3!
Roy: [listening to Moss, speaking with his mouth full] I don't see how they couldn't just keep it as it was. How hard is it to remember 911?
Moss: You mean 999-
Roy: Yes, yes, I mean 999! Yeah, I know.
Moss: That's the American one, you berk!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: [dialing] 0115... no... 0118... no... 0118 999 – 3. Hello? Is this the emergency services? Then which country am I speaking to? Hello? Hello? [pauses for thought] I know... [sits down in front of the computer] Subject: Fire. "Dear Sir stroke Madam, I am writing to inform you of a fire which has broken out at the premises of..." no, that's too formal. [deletes] "Dear Sir stroke Madam. Fire, exclamation mark. Fire, exclamation mark. Help me, exclamation mark. 123 Carrendon Road. Looking forward to hearing from you. All the best, Maurice Moss."
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: How do you know about this site?
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!
Moss: Oh, I'm a member.
Roy: Really? You do the whole Lonely Hearts thing?
Moss: I'm a 32 year old IT-man who works in a basement. Yes, I do the whole Lonely Hearts thing!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: Shut up, do what I tell you, I'm not interested; these are just some of the things you'll be hearing if you answer this ad. I'm an idiot and I dont care about anyone but myself. P.S. No dogs!
Moss: That's Good.
Roy: What's yours?
Moss: Mine doesn't look any good now.
Roy: Go on.
Moss: I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman!
Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.
Moss: That's Good.
Roy: What's yours?
Moss: Mine doesn't look any good now.
Roy: Go on.
Moss: I'm going to murder you... You bloody woman!
Roy: Might want to play a bit hard to get.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: [singing]We don't need no education.
Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.
Moss: Yes you do. You've just used a double negative.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Jen: How can you two live like this?
Moss: [typing] How can you two...
Roy: Don't google the question, Moss!
Moss: [typing] How can you two...
Roy: Don't google the question, Moss!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: If anyone was ever rude to me, I used to carry their food around in my trousers.
Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
Roy: [sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
Jen: Oh my God! Before you brought it to their table?
Roy: [sarcastically] No, after! Of course, before! Why would I do it after?
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: While he was eating, did you hear anyone laughing? Like... in the kitchen area.
Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'd be trouser food!
Jen: Yes! Yes I did, actually, yes I did.
Roy: That'd be trouser food!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Jen: OK. Moss, what did you have for breakfast this morning?
Moss: Smarties cereal.
Jen: Oh my God. I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
Moss: Smarties cereal.
Jen: Oh my God. I didn't even know Smarties made a cereal.
Moss: They don't. It's just Smarties in a bowl with milk.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Jen: I've got Aunt Irma visiting.
Moss: Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]
Jen: It's my term for my time of the month.
Roy: Oh.
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: You know, it's "high tide".
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"!
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they do have some strong arguments.
Roy: [Finally putting it to words] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
Moss: Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room dumbfounded]
Moss: Oh, do you not like Aunt Irma? I've got an aunt like that. [Roy and Moss look confused]
Jen: It's my term for my time of the month.
Roy: Oh.
Moss: What time of the month? The weekend?
Jen: No.
Moss: Does Aunt Irma visit on the weekend?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: You know, it's "high tide".
Moss: But we're not on the coast.
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I'm "closed for maintenance"!
Moss: Closed for maintenance?
Roy: Moss!
Jen: I've fallen to the communists!
Moss: Well, they do have some strong arguments.
Roy: [Finally putting it to words] Carrie, Moss! First scene in Carrie!
Moss: Oh. Okay. [walks out of the room dumbfounded]
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Jen, Roy, and Moss are looking at a Gay: A Gay Musical poster]
Roy: A gay musical, called Gay. That's quite gay. Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever.
Moss: It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
Jen: "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: Contains scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Moss: Oh no! It's set in the 80's!
Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?
Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
Roy: A gay musical, called Gay. That's quite gay. Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay? This must be, like, the gayest musical ever.
Moss: It got some pretty good reviews. [Pan to "The Audience Applauded" - The Evening Informer; "More Than Tolerable" - The London Echo"; "Not As Long As Some Musicals" - The Banner.]
Jen: "A story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years. Warning: Contains scenes of graphic homoeroticism."
Moss: Oh no! It's set in the 80's!
Roy: Graphic homoeroticism? [turning to Moss] Does that mean they're going to get them out?
Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: Oh, I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, I just don't want to be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
[Jen is standing in the lobby at the theatre. Three people in wheelchairs come in. Roy is one of them. He is being pushed by the Theatre Manager]
Theatre Manager: He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Jen: [shocked] Did you see who it was?
Roy: Red bearded man.
Jen: Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?
Roy: Ten years?
Jen: Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.
Roy: ...Acid?
Theatre Manager: He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Jen: [shocked] Did you see who it was?
Roy: Red bearded man.
Jen: Uh-huh... How long have you been disabled?
Roy: Ten years?
Jen: Ten years, and how did it happen? If that's not a rude question.
Roy: ...Acid?
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Denholm: When I started Reynholm Industries, I had just two things in my possession: a dream and 6 million pounds. Today I have a business empire the like of which the world has never seen the like of which. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant when I say that I am the greatest man in the world!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Moss: I'm sorry for your loss.
Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you.
Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.
Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
Moss: Please take it.
Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
Moss: I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.
Mrs. Reynholm: Thank you.
Moss: It's not like you've lost a pen, is it? It's so much worse. Would you like a pen? I have a spare one.
Mrs. Reynholm: No thank you.
Moss: Please take it.
Mrs. Reynholm: Why are you giving it to me?
Moss: I don't know. [hands her the pen] Swings and roundabouts.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Narrator: You wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a baby. You wouldn't shoot a policeman. And then steal his helmet. You wouldn't go to the toilet in his helmet. And then send it to the policeman's grieving widow. And then steal it again! Downloading films is stealing. If you do it, you will face the consequences. [SWAT team member bursts in behind the girl downloading the film and shoots her; cut to a pool of blood on the keyboard]
Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.
Roy: [sitting with Moss in a dark room] Man, these anti-piracy ads are getting really mean.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Jen: Now, I'll be honest with you, the reason I got you round a bit early is to go over a few ground rules with you. If this evening is going to work in any way, you need to pretend to be normal people, yeah? Keep the conversation about things that would interest everybody. You know, nothing about memory or RAM.
Moss: [snorts] Memory is RAM!
Moss: [snorts] Memory is RAM!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: Oh, Peter, I've got that link to the Firefox extension you were asking me about. What's your email address?
Peter: Do you have pen and paper?
Roy: Ah, I'm recording.
Peter: It's [email protected]
Roy: Filepeter? Why filepeter?
Peter: Well, File is my second name.
Roy: Oh right, I see. Peter File.
Moss: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: Don't say it like that, it sounds like paedophile.
Moss: Isn't that what he just said?
Jen: No, Peter File.
Moss: Paedophile.
Jen: Peter File.
Richmond: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: No one...
Moss: [nods] Right... It just sounds like paedophile.
Jen: No, no it doesn't.
Moss: It does a bit. Peter File.
Roy: Peter File... yeah, it does.
Richmond: Peter File...
[All the guests start saying "Peter File" repeatedly].
Peter: Okay, yes!
[The room goes silent]
Jen: [quietly] I hadn't noticed.
Peter: It doesn't bother you, does it?
Jen: No, of course it doesn't.
[Jen and Peter lean in to kiss each other]
Moss: They say "peh-doh-file" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
Jen: He's not moving to America!
Peter: Do you have pen and paper?
Roy: Ah, I'm recording.
Peter: It's [email protected]
Roy: Filepeter? Why filepeter?
Peter: Well, File is my second name.
Roy: Oh right, I see. Peter File.
Moss: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: Don't say it like that, it sounds like paedophile.
Moss: Isn't that what he just said?
Jen: No, Peter File.
Moss: Paedophile.
Jen: Peter File.
Richmond: Who's a paedophile?
Jen: No one...
Moss: [nods] Right... It just sounds like paedophile.
Jen: No, no it doesn't.
Moss: It does a bit. Peter File.
Roy: Peter File... yeah, it does.
Richmond: Peter File...
[All the guests start saying "Peter File" repeatedly].
Peter: Okay, yes!
[The room goes silent]
Jen: [quietly] I hadn't noticed.
Peter: It doesn't bother you, does it?
Jen: No, of course it doesn't.
[Jen and Peter lean in to kiss each other]
Moss: They say "peh-doh-file" in America. Maybe you should move to America.
Jen: He's not moving to America!
TV Show: The IT Crowd
John: I don't think that's true.
Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.
Jen: With all due respect John, I am the head of IT and I have it on good authority that if you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet. So please, no one try it, even for a joke. [the executives laugh] It's not a laughing matter. You can break the Internet.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Roy: Is this another one of your inventions?
Moss: Might be.
Roy: What was the last one? ...oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
Moss: How is that not useful?
Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Moss: Yes. They. Do!
Roy: Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!
Moss: Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.
Moss: Might be.
Roy: What was the last one? ...oh yes. A ladder, to help moths escape from the bath. How is that useful?!
Moss: How is that not useful?
Roy: Moths don't get stuck in baths!
Moss: Yes. They. Do!
Roy: Even if that were true, it's just not in their nature to learn how to use a ladder! They have wings! When a moth thinks about travelling vertically upwards, a ladder is just the last thing they would think of! Moss, I don't like to be negative about it, but everything you invent is worthless!
Moss: Ah! Well, prepare to put mustard on those words, for you will soon be consuming them along with this slice of humble pie that comes direct from the oven of shame, set at gas mark "egg on your face"! [pause] I sort of forget what I was talking about.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Douglas: I like you, Jen. You don't ask questions. A lot of people would be confused as to why I invited them up here then asked them to leave, not you. A person's got to have a lot of backbone to allow herself to be ordered around like that. You've got spunk and balls, and I like that in a woman.
TV Show: The IT Crowd
Douglas: Good God!
Jen: Mr Reynholm?
Douglas: You looked exactly like Melissa there.
Jen: Melissa?
Douglas: My wife. She died.
Jen: Oh, poor you, that's terrible.
Douglas: There's not a day goes past that I don't think of her. I'll never forget our final moments.
Melissa: [in his head] Help me! My husband's trying to kill me!
Jen: Mr Reynholm?
Douglas: You looked exactly like Melissa there.
Jen: Melissa?
Douglas: My wife. She died.
Jen: Oh, poor you, that's terrible.
Douglas: There's not a day goes past that I don't think of her. I'll never forget our final moments.
Melissa: [in his head] Help me! My husband's trying to kill me!
TV Show: The IT Crowd