The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson Quotes
Craig Ferguson: [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
Movie: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
Movie: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.
Movie: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
Movie: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Craig is doing a "live rerun" that he claims is from September 4, 2007, about two years earlier. He has just read an email in which a viewer suggested Craig join a "crazy religion" to fit in with Hollywood. Craig pulls out his rattlesnake cup]
Craig Ferguson: Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.
Craig Ferguson: [laughing] And that's all we believe in!
Craig Ferguson: Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.
Craig Ferguson: [laughing] And that's all we believe in!
Movie: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Discussing the snake in the Garden of Eden]
Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
Movie: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[after using a swear word in a monologue, which is censored]
Craig Ferguson: They know what I'm saying, why don't you JUST LET ME SAY IT?
Craig Ferguson: They know what I'm saying, why don't you JUST LET ME SAY IT?
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Commenting on the studio audience's upbeat reaction to his downbeat material]
Craig Ferguson: So it's a round of applause for stabbing myself in the testicle, FAILING, and the start of World War One!
Craig Ferguson: So it's a round of applause for stabbing myself in the testicle, FAILING, and the start of World War One!
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Craig is comparing two coffee mugs]
Craig Ferguson: You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!
Craig Ferguson: You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Craig is doing a "live rerun" that he claims is from September 4, 2007, about two years earlier. He has just read an email in which a viewer suggested Craig join a "crazy religion" to fit in with Hollywood. Craig pulls out his rattlesnake cup]
Craig Ferguson: Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.
Craig Ferguson: [laughing] And that's all we believe in!
Craig Ferguson: Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.
Craig Ferguson: [laughing] And that's all we believe in!
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Craig is greeting the audience]
Craig Ferguson: Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
Craig Ferguson: Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[Discussing the snake in the Garden of Eden]
Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
Craig Ferguson: You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[repeated line]
Craig Ferguson: [at the end of jokes] Remind you of anyone?
Craig Ferguson: [at the end of jokes] Remind you of anyone?
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]
Craig Ferguson: Call me, _celebrity name_.
Craig Ferguson: Call me, _celebrity name_.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]
Craig Ferguson: I know!
Craig Ferguson: I know!
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
[signature repeated line, at the end of some starting jokes]
Craig Ferguson: You too, ladies!
Craig Ferguson: You too, ladies!
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: [repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Craig Ferguson: I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...
TV Show: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson