The Show Quotes
Nicholas Parsons: Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?
Fred Scuttle: Not as often as they'd like to be!
Fred Scuttle: Not as often as they'd like to be!
Movie: The Show
[from his last show - May 22, 1992]
[referring to remarks made that week by Vice President Dan Quayle, about single mothers and the TV show Murphy Brown]
Johnny Carson: I really want to thank him for making my final week so fruitful.
[referring to remarks made that week by Vice President Dan Quayle, about single mothers and the TV show Murphy Brown]
Johnny Carson: I really want to thank him for making my final week so fruitful.
Movie: The Show
[after getting in a fight with Andy]
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?
Movie: The Show
[first lines]
[Pat reads a signpost]
Pat Buttram: Beelzebub's Bivouac. What in tarnation is that, Gene?
Gene Autry: Satan's camp.
Pat Buttram: Satan!
[Pat reads a signpost]
Pat Buttram: Beelzebub's Bivouac. What in tarnation is that, Gene?
Gene Autry: Satan's camp.
Pat Buttram: Satan!
Movie: The Show
[Jack Benny is opening a bank account]
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Your social security number?
Jack Benny: One.
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Do you have any scars or identifying marks?
Jack Benny: Well... yes, I have a tattoo done many years ago.
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: What does it say?
[embarrassed, Jack whispers in Mr. Mooney's ear]
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: J-e-l-l-o?
Jack Benny: You see, I had to. In those days, sponsors were hard to come by.
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Your social security number?
Jack Benny: One.
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: Do you have any scars or identifying marks?
Jack Benny: Well... yes, I have a tattoo done many years ago.
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: What does it say?
[embarrassed, Jack whispers in Mr. Mooney's ear]
Mr. Theodore J. Mooney: J-e-l-l-o?
Jack Benny: You see, I had to. In those days, sponsors were hard to come by.
Movie: The Show
[Pat is reluctant to serve as the bait in Roy's trap]
Pat Brady: Are you sure you know what you're doin'?
Roy Rogers: I'll be right behind the fence. If you get in any trouble, I'll know it before you do.
Pat Brady: You and your ideas. I feel like the little brown hen who was fixin' to catch the hawk.
Pat Brady: Are you sure you know what you're doin'?
Roy Rogers: I'll be right behind the fence. If you get in any trouble, I'll know it before you do.
Pat Brady: You and your ideas. I feel like the little brown hen who was fixin' to catch the hawk.
Movie: The Show
[to Holly, as his blood is being transfused into Brad]
Sebastian: If he should make love well after this, pay no attention - it will be me.
Sebastian: If he should make love well after this, pay no attention - it will be me.
Movie: The Show
[Vanessa caught Denise's wedding bouquet]
Vanessa Huxtable: Yes!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: NO!
Vanessa Huxtable: Yes!
Clair Hanks Huxtable: NO!
Movie: The Show
Andy: Help! My John Stamos is stuck in a tree!
John Stamos: Help! I'm stuck in a tree!
John Stamos: Help! I'm stuck in a tree!
Movie: The Show
Art Fern: Hello there, feature-film freaks! Art Fern here, with today's fabulous feature find.
Movie: The Show
Bearded Deputy: Just what crime did you commit?
Sidekicks Pat Buttram: I just held up a circus and stole an elephant.
Bearded Deputy: Stole an elephant?
Sidekicks Pat Buttram: Oh, so you don't believe me! Alright, search me.
Sidekicks Pat Buttram: I just held up a circus and stole an elephant.
Bearded Deputy: Stole an elephant?
Sidekicks Pat Buttram: Oh, so you don't believe me! Alright, search me.
Movie: The Show
Bob Collins: It's not easy to replace a girl like Schultzy.
Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz: Thanks.
Bob Collins: I've had to search high and low.
Margaret MacDonald: By high he means Mulholland and by low he means Pismo Beach.
Charmaine 'Schultzy' Schultz: Thanks.
Bob Collins: I've had to search high and low.
Margaret MacDonald: By high he means Mulholland and by low he means Pismo Beach.
Movie: The Show
Boris Badenov: Ah, it good to be back on campus.
Natasha Fatale: Boris, you went to college? Penn State?
Boris Badenov: No, state pen.
Natasha Fatale: Boris, you went to college? Penn State?
Boris Badenov: No, state pen.
Movie: The Show
Buttons: Clowns are funny people, they only love once.
Holly: All men aren't that way, even if they act like clowns.
Holly: All men aren't that way, even if they act like clowns.
Movie: The Show
Cher: I was single for two years.
Sonny: Well...
[makes an iffy hand gesture]
Cher: I didn't say I was dead, I said I was single.
Sonny: Well...
[makes an iffy hand gesture]
Cher: I didn't say I was dead, I said I was single.
Movie: The Show
Crimson Dynamo: I am Crimson Dynamo. I am break you!
War Machine: I'm Rhodey. I'm a Sagittarius. Don't you watch the movies? The smaller guy always wins the fight.
Crimson Dynamo: I don't watch movies except Beaches. Bette Midler makes me...
[sniffles]
Crimson Dynamo: Popular entertainment is for the weak. Crimson Dynamo is strong!
War Machine: I'm Rhodey. I'm a Sagittarius. Don't you watch the movies? The smaller guy always wins the fight.
Crimson Dynamo: I don't watch movies except Beaches. Bette Midler makes me...
[sniffles]
Crimson Dynamo: Popular entertainment is for the weak. Crimson Dynamo is strong!
Movie: The Show
Ellen: [Speaking about the Emmy's] You know, winning is not important. It's about how you feel about yourself. And of course, you're gonna feel a whole lot better about yourself if you win.
Movie: The Show
Ellen: Hi, where are you from?
Audience Member: Orlando, Florida.
Ellen: Oh, we were just there. Did you come see us?
Audience Member: Ah, no. I couldn't. That's why I'm here now.
Ellen: Oh, well, that's much more convenient.
Audience Member: Orlando, Florida.
Ellen: Oh, we were just there. Did you come see us?
Audience Member: Ah, no. I couldn't. That's why I'm here now.
Ellen: Oh, well, that's much more convenient.
Movie: The Show
Ellen: I'm really glad that high jeans are coming back in fashion, cause you know how all the jeans are low now? And cause, you know, sometimes I have to bend down
[Audience laugh]
Ellen: No, but it's really good higher jeans are coming back in fashion. Remember the jeans back in the 80's? That kinda high was good. But any higher and they'd be strapless jeans.
[Audience laugh]
Ellen: No, but it's really good higher jeans are coming back in fashion. Remember the jeans back in the 80's? That kinda high was good. But any higher and they'd be strapless jeans.
Movie: The Show
Gene Autry: Always defend your name, son. Just like you defend your country when you need to.
Movie: The Show
Gene Autry: Pat and I were on our way to take over a ranch we had never seen. A fine old lady, the late Mamie Westin, wanted us to run it as a boys' ranch: a home for city boys, underprivileged boys, just boys. A swell idea and we didn't suspect for a minute that anybody was out to stop us.
Movie: The Show
George Burns: A book salesman. Hmm. Going up to our house? Is he silly enough to try to sell Gracie a book? Yes he is - if he was smart he'd turn around and run. You heard of that play "Death of a Salesman"? Trying to sell something to Gracie is what killed him.
Movie: The Show
Gomer Pyle: Me and Goober are goin' down to see that Cary Grant movie. Goober never misses a Cary Grant movie. He studies him. You want to hear him take off on Cary Grant? C'mon, Goober; do Cary Grant.
Goober Pyle: Well, I don't know...
Andy Taylor: Well, Gom, if he doesn't want to...
Goober Pyle: I'll do it! Judy, Judy, Judy!
Gomer Pyle: [Laughing hysterically] Ain't that great, Andy? How do you do it? Let me try; Judy, Judy, I can't do it. Andy, couldn't you just swear it was Cary Grant standin' right before you in this room?
Andy Taylor: Uh, yeah, Gomer; that was real good, Goober.
Goober Pyle: Well, I don't know...
Andy Taylor: Well, Gom, if he doesn't want to...
Goober Pyle: I'll do it! Judy, Judy, Judy!
Gomer Pyle: [Laughing hysterically] Ain't that great, Andy? How do you do it? Let me try; Judy, Judy, I can't do it. Andy, couldn't you just swear it was Cary Grant standin' right before you in this room?
Andy Taylor: Uh, yeah, Gomer; that was real good, Goober.
Movie: The Show
Goober Pyle: Hey, Andy
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi, Goob
Goober Pyle: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, good.
Goober Pyle: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Readin' it.
Goober Pyle: Andy, that's yesterday's paper.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I know it.
Goober Pyle: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.
Goober Pyle: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.
Goober Pyle: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You said it was in tip-top shape.
Goober Pyle: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.
Goober Pyle: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?
Goober Pyle: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed t
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Hi, Goob
Goober Pyle: I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Oh, good.
Goober Pyle: What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Readin' it.
Goober Pyle: Andy, that's yesterday's paper.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I know it.
Goober Pyle: You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.
Goober Pyle: Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.
Goober Pyle: That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: You said it was in tip-top shape.
Goober Pyle: That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.
Goober Pyle: Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.
Sheriff Andy Taylor: Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?
Goober Pyle: No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed t
Movie: The Show