The Simpsons Quotes
Homer Simpson: To the panic room!
Marge Simpson: We don't have a panic room!
Homer Simpson: To the panic room store!
Marge Simpson: We don't have a panic room!
Homer Simpson: To the panic room store!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer Simpson: All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
Marge Simpson: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, they're only human!
Marge Simpson: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer Simpson: Marge, they're only human!
TV Show: The Simpsons
Lisa Simpson: Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.
Bart Simpson: As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.
Bart Simpson: And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Bart Simpson: Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.
Lisa Simpson: I don't think I've done anything else.
Bart Simpson: Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Bart Simpson: Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...
Bart Simpson: As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.
Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart.
Bart Simpson: And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.
Lisa Simpson: I'm sorry I got us lost out here.
Bart Simpson: Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.
Lisa Simpson: I don't think I've done anything else.
Bart Simpson: Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?
Lisa Simpson: Yes?
Bart Simpson: Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...
TV Show: The Simpsons
Mr. Kidkill: Escort these gentlemen out.
Gay Dressing Room Bodyguard: Avec plaisir.
Gay Dressing Room Bodyguard: Avec plaisir.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Rev. Lovejoy: I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs? [Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer Simpson: Mine tasted like strawberry. [Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer Simpson: Ovulicious...
Apu: How did we get eight?
Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.
Apu: Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.
Hibbert: [Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs? [Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]
Homer Simpson: Mine tasted like strawberry. [Homer pops one into his mouth]
Homer Simpson: Ovulicious...
TV Show: The Simpsons
[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year.
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
Gay men: We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.
Lisa: We are used to it. You do this every year.
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[a police officer has mistaken a green-painted Homer for the Incredible Hulk]
Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk. [rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk]
Stan Lee: I don't understand, I did it once before.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby.
Stan Lee: He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk. [rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk]
Stan Lee: I don't understand, I did it once before.
Comic Book Guy: Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion]
Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink.
Mr. Burns: Ooh.
Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
Bret "The Hitman" Hart: Eww. This place has got old man stink.
Mr. Burns: Ooh.
Waylon Smithers: Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[about to watch dinner theater]
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.
Milhouse: Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...
Bart: That's just his shopping list.
Milhouse: No, it's his instructions.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[after being corrected by Lisa on the correct pronounciation of "foliage"]
Marge: All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary.
Marge: All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[after being stabbed by Hamlet]
Chief Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.
Chief Wiggum: I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"]
Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.
Lisa: How humiliating.
Bart: Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.
Lisa: How humiliating.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[after finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals]
Ned Flanders: I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky. [Some of the animals start making noise off-screen]
Ned Flanders: Now cut that out.
Ned Flanders: I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky. [Some of the animals start making noise off-screen]
Ned Flanders: Now cut that out.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[an African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops Bart in the hallway]
Man: Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like.
Bart: Cool. [Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class]
Old Lady: The proper gentlemen...
Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said...
Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass.
Man: Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like.
Bart: Cool. [Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class]
Old Lady: The proper gentlemen...
Bart: Etiquette class? But the guy outside said...
Old Lady: Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check. [calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss? [whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
Moe: Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check. [calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss? [whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
TV Show: The Simpsons
[armed with a bottle of chloroform, Homer approaches a security guard]
Homer: I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who!
Homer: I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who!
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm]
Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love...
Kent Brockman: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.
Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love...
Kent Brockman: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[At an auction]
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders. [picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$. [evil laugh]
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders.
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Homer: D'OH!
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders. [picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$. [evil laugh]
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders.
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Homer: D'OH!
TV Show: The Simpsons
[At Moe's alma mater, the bartending college]
Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glass wipe.
Professor: Moe Szyslak, you old glass wipe.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[At Moe's]
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?
TV Show: The Simpsons
[At the St. Patrick's Day Parade]
Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?
Kent Brockman: All this drinking, violence, destruction of property... are these the things that we think of when we think of the Irish?
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB. [Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB. [Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
TV Show: The Simpsons
[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot. [grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this. [chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah? [wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in... [slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I- [passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife.
Homer: You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.
Barney: I can't. My nerves are shot. [grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer.
Homer: [grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this. [chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all.
Homer: Oh, yeah? [wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in... [slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I- [passes out]
Barney: Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife.
TV Show: The Simpsons