The Simpsons Quotes
Homer: [singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: [to Marge] You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much. [cut to Moe's]
Moe: All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.
Barney: I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.
Apu: The South shall COME AGAIN.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.
Marge: Mmmmm...
Homer: And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Careful. These pants cost me 600$.
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.
Moe: Ura Snotball?
Homer: What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
Bart: No thanks dad.
Homer: When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
Grampa: I'll play catch with you.
Homer: Go home.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Hey, shouldn't you be at school?
Bart: Shouldn't you be at work?
Homer: Ah, touch.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: Hey, what's lucky hooked up to?
Nurse: A respirator. It breathes for him.
Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.
TV Show: The Simpsons
Homer: How much can I get for this? [He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card]
Comic Book Guy: Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth... EVERYTHING I OWN.
TV Show: The Simpsons