The Thick of It Quotes
Hugh Abbott: I'm not quite sure what level of reality I'm supposed to be operating on.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh Abbott: I want a new driver. Get me a new driver. I don't wanna see this guy ever again.
Glenn Cullen: On what grounds?
Hugh: Smiling! Inappropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok?
Glenn Cullen: On what grounds?
Hugh: Smiling! Inappropriate smiling! And smirking! Smiling and smirking! I don't wanna see that smile or smirk ever again, ok?
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh Abbot: I work, I eat, I shower. That's it. Occasionally... I take a dump, just as a sort of treat. I mean, that really is my treat. That's what it's come to. I sit there and I think, "No, I'm not going to read The New Statesman. This time is just for me. This is quality time just for me." Is that normal?
Glenn Cullen: It's sad.
Glenn Cullen: It's sad.
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Terri Coverley: We don't exchange insults with bloody Simon arsepipes titty-twat.
Olly Reeder: Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?
Glenn Cullen: This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.
Hugh Abbot: That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.
Olly: Watch and learn.
Olly Reeder: Is that honestly the best swearing that you can come up with?
Glenn Cullen: This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them that they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't do shit.
Hugh Abbot: That's top swearing, Glenn, well done.
Olly: Watch and learn.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: Ok, this is what we're doing. I'm putting it about through a number of cronies that Hewitt's piece was a packet of bollocks; he did it as a favor to Cliff.
Ollie: Cliff being...
Glenn: Cliff Lawton.
Malcolm: Hugh's predesessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.
Hugh: Are they now?
Malcolm: Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying. It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
Ollie: Cliff being...
Glenn: Cliff Lawton.
Malcolm: Hugh's predesessor. He and Hewitt are as tight as arse cheeks.
Hugh: Are they now?
Malcolm: Fuck knows, but that's what we're saying. It's personal, it's backslapping, it's borderline homoerotic, and you are an innocent victim of a nasty media stitch-up.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Glenn Cullen: It is, as my dear old mother would have said, double wank and shit chips.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh: How fucked am I?
Olly: Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
Hugh: In terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Glenn: Oh, 12.
Olly: Yeah. 12, say.
Hugh: Out of what?
Glenn: Er... 50.
Olly: Oh. Mine was out of ten.
Olly: Well, you look awful, you look terrible. I mean, you often look quite bad, but...
Hugh: In terms of negative publicity. On the fuckometer, where am I?
Glenn: Oh, 12.
Olly: Yeah. 12, say.
Hugh: Out of what?
Glenn: Er... 50.
Olly: Oh. Mine was out of ten.
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Glen: My gut still says no.
Malcolm: Yeah, well, substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.
Malcolm: Yeah, well, substantial as they are, they've been outvoted.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh: She's an actress.
Glenn: What do you mean?
Hugh: Well, I mean... No, there's no clearer way of saying it — she's an actress.
Glenn: What do you mean?
Hugh: Well, I mean... No, there's no clearer way of saying it — she's an actress.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh Abbot: [Dictating a press release to Terri] "Following a successful report stage debate, Secretary of State for Social Affairs, Hugh Abbot, today announced, 'I'm the fucking daddy!'."
TV Show: The Thick of It
Dan Miller: If you're going to make an omelette, you're going to have to have some frank and honest discussion with the eggs.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm Tucker: [To Olly, talking about Angela Heaney] I'll just have to kill the both of you then, won't I?! That's a joke, by the way, not a very nice one, a nasty one, which masks a lot of very negative feelings about this fucking department.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh: They should just clone ministers, you know, so we're born at 55 with no past, and no flats, and no genitals.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh Abbott: [Sarcastically] What d'you want me to do? Resign?! [Sees the look on Malcolm's face] No!
Malcolm Tucker: It is possible to have a good resignation!
Hugh: A good resignation? Well, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!
Malcolm: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go!", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, eh? What a way to go!
Malcolm Tucker: It is possible to have a good resignation!
Hugh: A good resignation? Well, I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell this to me!
Malcolm: Look, people really like it when you go just a bit early! You know; steely jawed, faraway look in your eyes! Before you get to the point when they're sitting round in the pub saying "Oh, that fucker's got to go!", you surprise them! "Blimey, he's gone! I didn't expect that! Resigned? You don't see that much anymore! Old school! Respect! I rather liked the guy! He was hounded out by the fucking press!" How about that, eh? What a way to go!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Olly Reeder: I'm just the counter man in McDonald's. You're the clown running the shop. You're the one that they want to see strung up from a lamppost by his fucking wig.
Glenn Cullen: What does that make me?
Olly: Ronald McDonald.
Glenn Cullen: What does that make me?
Olly: Ronald McDonald.
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Malcolm: [To Olly] Feet off the furniture, you Oxbridge twat. You're not in a punt now.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh: I've missed my ideal resigning point. With every day I delay, it's another year before I can get back again. If I had resigned the day I was appointed, I'd actually be prime minister by now.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh: How long since you've had sex?
Glenn: That is between me and my internet service provider.
Glenn: That is between me and my internet service provider.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Discussing Julius Nicholson]
Hugh: Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
Olly: What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
Glenn: I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
Hugh: What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
[Julius walks in]
Olly: I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death. But that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
Hugh: Can't we just kill him, shoot him?
Olly: What about we just fire him at a wall from a cannon. Just a wall two feet away.
Glenn: I know, we force feed him with a mixture of garlic and Dettol in Cup-a-Soup.
Hugh: What about the old red-hot poker up the arse? Edward II?
[Julius walks in]
Olly: I'd like to nail him to a tree through the head and watch lice slowly crawl over his body, eating off the flesh in a slow and painful death. But that rather bitter anomaly aside, most of the responses to the Warwick report press cuttings were pretty positive.
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Hugh: [telling a joke at his party] And Julius, Julius Nicholson, says, ”I'm sorry but I think you'll find you're sitting in my seat.”
[No one laughs]
Hugh: And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time.
[No one laughs]
Hugh: And this was to God, as I mentioned in the setup. Anyway, have a lovely time.
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Hugh: Since when, Glenn, does the Secretary of State for Social Affairs have to find out from the fucking press that every morning at 8: 30 I'm being fisted up to the gallbladder by a bald man?
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Olly Reeder: Who wants to go and watch bollockvision? Mr Malcolm Tucker, turning it all the way up to eleven, down in the lobby.
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[The Department of Social Affairs has been renamed The Department of Social Affairs and Citizenship]
Glen Cullen: So, Hugh, this new word 'Citizenship', did the PM tell you what it meant?
Hugh Abbot: Honestly, I think he was making up the reshuffle as he went along. I think we're lucky that 'citizenship' was the first thing that came to mind. Otherwise we could have been The Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
Glen Cullen: So, Hugh, this new word 'Citizenship', did the PM tell you what it meant?
Hugh Abbot: Honestly, I think he was making up the reshuffle as he went along. I think we're lucky that 'citizenship' was the first thing that came to mind. Otherwise we could have been The Department for Social Affairs and Woodland Folk.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Olly has made a joke about special needs kids]
Hugh: You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
Olly: Why?
Hugh: Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.
Olly: Oh.
Hugh: Yep.
Olly: Glenn's had sex?
Hugh: You just took a shit with your clothes on, Olly.
Olly: Why?
Hugh: Glenn's boy, Peter, he went to a special needs school.
Olly: Oh.
Hugh: Yep.
Olly: Glenn's had sex?
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Olly: I had a girlfriend with Special Needs once, actually. [Smiles smuttily] Fortunately, I was able to fulfil them.
Hugh: You're such a prick, Ollie.
Hugh: You're such a prick, Ollie.
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Hugh: Christ, Malcolm, how do you appear out of nowhere in a building made entirely out of glass?
Malcolm: I'm a shapeshifter.
Malcolm: I'm a shapeshifter.
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Miscellaneous Civil Servant: Can you stop swearing, please?
Malcolm: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, you won't hear anymore swearing from us you MASSIVE, GAY, SHITE! FUCK OFF!
Malcolm: Oh, I'm terribly sorry, you won't hear anymore swearing from us you MASSIVE, GAY, SHITE! FUCK OFF!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Hugh: I categorically did not knowingly not tell the truth. Even though unknowingly I might not have done.
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Hugh: I don't know what else can go wrong now. Unless the flexible energy system sets fire to my office and the puts it out by squirting liquefied human shit through the ceiling sprinklers.
TV Show: The Thick of It