The Thick of It Quotes
Malcolm: Hey, I'm going to have a swear box installed on Monday.
Hugh: What?
Malcolm: Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
Hugh: What?
Malcolm: Fucking joking, you twat! I'm on turbo.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Ollie: Very powerful, very attractive sexually due to all this power-
Jamie McDonald: Ey, Poxbridge! Hey dickhead, Happy New Queer!
Malcolm: I'm really sorry, don’t be so offensive, I apologise for my friend’s behaviour. Did you have a nice Poofmas?
Jamie McDonald: Ey, Poxbridge! Hey dickhead, Happy New Queer!
Malcolm: I'm really sorry, don’t be so offensive, I apologise for my friend’s behaviour. Did you have a nice Poofmas?
TV Show: The Thick of It
Ben Swain: [Talking about Australia] It's just the world's largest collection of poisonous things.
Ollie: God yeah, if you want to hang around with poisonous snakes you might as well stay here!
[Nobody laughs]
Ollie: [Ironically] Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.
Ollie: God yeah, if you want to hang around with poisonous snakes you might as well stay here!
[Nobody laughs]
Ollie: [Ironically] Throw a blanket on me, I'm on fire.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Stuart: Just wondering whether you're fully conversant with the new line. Whether you're really up to speed?
Peter: Well, I don't know, am I? Because I get people stopping me in the street and saying "Are you still for locking up yobbos?" and I say "Yeah, of course we are!" and then I think 'Are we?' because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos, or not even call them yobbos. Call them young men with issues around stabbing
Peter: Well, I don't know, am I? Because I get people stopping me in the street and saying "Are you still for locking up yobbos?" and I say "Yeah, of course we are!" and then I think 'Are we?' because maybe I missed a memo from you. Maybe I should understand yobbos, or not even call them yobbos. Call them young men with issues around stabbing
TV Show: The Thick of It
Jamie: [During Ben Swain's Newsnight interview] The cameramen are laughing.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Ollie's girlfriend has stolen his policy idea]
Malcolm Tucker: Your fucking girlfriend. Jesus Christ.
Jamie: You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
Ollie: I would've done! She is mad! She's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her in case I found anything out!
Jamie: Oh and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're David Fucking Niven.
Malcolm Tucker: Your fucking girlfriend. Jesus Christ.
Jamie: You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago.
Ollie: I would've done! She is mad! She's a mental woman! But you two kept telling me to go out with her in case I found anything out!
Jamie: Oh and what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever. You're David Fucking Niven.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm Tucker: The story isn't me, Glen, Ok? Nobody is interested in me and I would be pleased if you would remember that, ok?
Glen Cullen: You sure you don't want Hugh and me to come back? We could give you some cover.
Malcolm: Hugh is not coming back. It would look like we're panicking and we're not panicking. But I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
Glen: So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic so Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?
Malcolm: You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me!
Glen Cullen: You sure you don't want Hugh and me to come back? We could give you some cover.
Malcolm: Hugh is not coming back. It would look like we're panicking and we're not panicking. But I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking.
Glen: So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic so Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?
Malcolm: You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Ollie: Malcolm, you're bullying me and... y'know...
Malcolm Tucker: How dare you. How dare you! Don't ever ever call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that.
Malcolm Tucker: How dare you. How dare you! Don't ever ever call me a bully. I'm so much worse than that.
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Jamie: [To Peter Mannion] Which one were you? Were you the forced abortion or the love child? Or the one who asphyxiated himself with a kiwi?
Peter Mannion: Just the love child. I was the quiet one.
Peter Mannion: Just the love child. I was the quiet one.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Jamie: You take the piss out of Jolson again, and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano sheath and push it up your cock! And then I'll plug some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist! And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing YOUR balls!
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Ollie: [To Phil Smith] I will so not sorry to not ever have to talk to you again you massive floppy blonde tit. I hope your blog gets done for libel and you get knobbed in prison by men.
Ollie: [To Emma Messinger] It is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend at daddy's, vacuous nothing!
Ollie: [To Emma Messinger] It is over, you self-serving, crypto-fascist, horse-loving, posh, weekend at daddy's, vacuous nothing!
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Malcolm: Has anybody seen Jamie?
Ollie: Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral! 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash.
Ollie: Oh, don't tell me he's gone feral! 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm Tucker: The Tom wobble; it's over.
Ben Swain: So what does that mean?
Malcolm: Well it means that the rats are now returning to a Very bouyant ship... and they're playing deck tennis. So that's lovely isn't it?
Ben: What does that mean for me, then?
Malcolm: I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the house of commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a Vote for me sticker on the end.
Ben Swain: But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
Malcolm: Well, half an hour you were in with a shot. This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new pope. Maybe you can download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your future, OK? Think about what you are doing! Get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville, yeah?
Ben Swain: So what does that mean?
Malcolm: Well it means that the rats are now returning to a Very bouyant ship... and they're playing deck tennis. So that's lovely isn't it?
Ben: What does that mean for me, then?
Malcolm: I guess that means that you're standing in the chamber of the house of commons with your big flaccid dick hanging out with a Vote for me sticker on the end.
Ben Swain: But you said I had a chance! About half an hour ago you said I was in with a shot!
Malcolm: Well, half an hour you were in with a shot. This is half an hour hence! We've fucking time travelled, yes? We're in a weird and wonderful world where everything is different! Maybe outside the polar ice caps have melted, maybe there's fucking robots knocking about and Davina McCall's the new pope. Maybe you can download rice! I want you, right now, to think about your future, OK? Think about what you are doing! Get yourself back on the train to fucking Tomsville, yeah?
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Malcolm: Tomorrow, from broadsheets to wank rags, I want pages one, two and three to be a profile of Tom looking like a fucking political colossus. Y'know: Tom meeting the Pope, Tom in an NHS hospital chatting to little, baldie kiddies. I want pages four and five to be a timeline of British politics with me at the center looking fucking indispensable and fucking benign. And I want page six to be... fucking Israel or some bullshit. Not a fucking DoSAC dipshit legacy-distracting Cockup!
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Jamie: Hey, desperate housewives, have you found out who's leaking it yet?
Glen Cullen: I have. It's Julius! He just told me-
Jamie: No, no, no, wait, Julius? Nicholson?! That baldy pussy! Well, I'll tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait 'till you see when I'm finished with him! He'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus FUCK!! FUCK FUCK!! FUCK!!
Glen Cullen: I have. It's Julius! He just told me-
Jamie: No, no, no, wait, Julius? Nicholson?! That baldy pussy! Well, I'll tell you, if he thinks he's leaking now, wait 'till you see when I'm finished with him! He'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus FUCK!! FUCK FUCK!! FUCK!!
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[Jamie has found out that Nicholson has leaked Immigration figures]
Jamie: Nicholson! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You Mimsy, Bastard, Quisling, Leak Fuck!
Julius Nicholson: [Smirking] Sorry.
Jamie: Yeah, you will be sorry! You inflatable cock! You sold us out didn't you?! Deny it!
Julius: Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me.
Jamie: You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? OK, OK! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy did knowingly do us up the shit-hole by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am going to have your guts as a skipping rope! And your lungs sundried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
Julius: Jamie, technically it was not a leak, because firstly-
Malcolm: Eat that prawn.
Julius: -there's not confidential-
Malcolm: Eat that fucking prawn.
Julius: I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Eat that prawn. Eat a bit of fucking pizza. [throws half eaten pizza at Julius]
Julius: Don't be stupid.
Malcolm: Eat another prawn.
Julius: Stop it!
Malcolm: Have some fucking chow mein!
[Everyone else starts shouting and throwing food at Julius]
Jamie: Nicholson! The immigration shit. It was you, wasn't it? You Mimsy, Bastard, Quisling, Leak Fuck!
Julius Nicholson: [Smirking] Sorry.
Jamie: Yeah, you will be sorry! You inflatable cock! You sold us out didn't you?! Deny it!
Julius: Well, James, I can't deny something until I have the actual charge presented to me.
Jamie: You mean apart from the charge you're gonna get when I clamp jump leads to your baldy bollocks? OK, OK! You, Julius Nicholson, being of sound mind but with a body that looks like a giant sex toy did knowingly do us up the shit-hole by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am going to have your guts as a skipping rope! And your lungs sundried and turned into a little fucking waistcoat!
Julius: Jamie, technically it was not a leak, because firstly-
Malcolm: Eat that prawn.
Julius: -there's not confidential-
Malcolm: Eat that fucking prawn.
Julius: I'm not eating prawns, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Eat that prawn. Eat a bit of fucking pizza. [throws half eaten pizza at Julius]
Julius: Don't be stupid.
Malcolm: Eat another prawn.
Julius: Stop it!
Malcolm: Have some fucking chow mein!
[Everyone else starts shouting and throwing food at Julius]
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Glen Cullen: Fucking hell! Fuck! Jesus, I'm not a joke, okay, alright, hello? I am a man. I am a man, you know, you know?! This, THIS!!!! THIS IS MY LIFE!!!! I'M A HUMAN BEING, AND ALL THIS IS MY LIFE!! And, it's collapsing in front of me. You know, Tom's like that, they're never going to want me, are they? And fucking Hugh, now, he... Jesus Christ, this is all, I AM A MAN!!!!!! AND, NO YOU DON'T I'M IRRELEVANT!! NO, NO GO AWAY, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant, I'm irrelevant! FUCKING HUGH JUST WANTS TO SPEAK TO TINKY WINKY?!! WELL FUCK TINKY WINKY, FUCK YOU TINKY WINKY!!! AUF WIEDERSHEN PET, THE PARTY'S OVER, GOODBYE YELLOW BRICK ROAD, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT HITLER?! WHY DID HE HAVE A MOUSTACHE AND HE LIVED OVER THERE?!! FUCK US ALL!!!!
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm Tucker: He’s making Paul Remington a Cabinet Minister. Remtard Remington. I mean the guy is an epic fuck-up. He’s so dense that light bends around him.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: Come on people, let’s get going here! I’ve got a to-do list that’s longer than a fucking Leonard Cohen song.
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[discussing the Cabinet reshuffle]
Terri Coverley: Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty.
Ollie Reeder: That's because they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
Terri: They couldn't really demote Fatty because he knows too much.
Ollie: Well he doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?
Terri Coverley: Oh look, Fatty's staying put! They're not moving Fatty.
Ollie Reeder: That's because they haven’t got five big blokes and a winch.
Terri: They couldn't really demote Fatty because he knows too much.
Ollie: Well he doesn't know where the Ryvita is kept, does he?
TV Show: The Thick of It
[on the phone to a colleague about how busy he is]
Malcolm: I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew.
[later in the episode, on the phone again]
Malcolm: Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter.
Malcolm: I've got more on my plate than a spinster at a wedding. That wasn't a reference to your daughter by the way, Andrew.
[later in the episode, on the phone again]
Malcolm: Doug Hayes is a massive abortion. Again, not a reference to your daughter.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: Here he is! Cock like the Pink Panther's tail.
Doug Hayes: I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me.
Doug Hayes: I'm afraid I turned it down, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Do you know 90% of household dust is made of dead human skin? That's what you are to me.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Malcolm: Get me Nicola Murray. Yeah, if she says no the only other candidate is my left bollock with a fucking smiley face drawn on it.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Hugh has lost his place in the reshuffle]
Terri: It's so sad, isn't it - Hugh?
Ollie: You don't give a shit.
Terri: No, perhaps I don't.
Terri: It's so sad, isn't it - Hugh?
Ollie: You don't give a shit.
Terri: No, perhaps I don't.
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Ollie: Who's Tom Rudd?
Terri: Isn't he in Harry Potter?
Glenn Cullen: Tom Rudd is army slang for standing up buggery.
Terri: Isn't he in Harry Potter?
Glenn Cullen: Tom Rudd is army slang for standing up buggery.
TV Show: The Thick of It
[Glen and Ollie don't know if Nicola will keep them on]
Terri: Well, thank goodness I'm safe.
Glen: We know you're safe Terri! How do we know your safe? Because you keep using the word 'Safe' like you're bloody Jim Bowen!
Ollie: [Immitating Jim Bowen presenting Bullseye] You've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady?
Terri: Well, thank goodness I'm safe.
Glen: We know you're safe Terri! How do we know your safe? Because you keep using the word 'Safe' like you're bloody Jim Bowen!
Ollie: [Immitating Jim Bowen presenting Bullseye] You've got DoSAC, that's safe. Do you want to go for the treasury, young lady?
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Terri: Well it was a bit of a shock for us. In a good way. Like twins or a tax rebate.
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Nicola Murray: [On the phone to her husband] So, I'll take your warm congratulations as... implied.
TV Show: The Thick of It
Glenn: The thing is, and please Ollie correct me here if I’m wrong.
Ollie: I will certainly do that.
Ollie: I will certainly do that.
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Glen: Do you mind? Some of us are trying to listen.
Phil: I can fill you in, Peter's tearing through her like a viking at a nunnery.
Phil: I can fill you in, Peter's tearing through her like a viking at a nunnery.
TV Show: The Thick of It