The Venture Bros. Quotes

Phantom Limb: Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is a dish best served cold, precise, and merciless.
The Monarch: Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup...

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Phantom Limb: Go! Her shit's by the door in a box marked 'hers'.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(After defeating Torrid with their finishing move?)
Jefferson Twilight: AH! Man, Orpheus! What are you wearing, golf shoes?
The Alchemist: Honestly, I think my hand is bleeding. And the squirming...
Jefferson Twilight: I think it's the flip part.
Dr. Orpheus: That's the zing! We need the zing!
The Alchemist: Well the zing hurts my hand!
Dr. Orpheus: Well if we practiced more than once a month...
(The Alchemist is holding a giant eyeball in front of his head)
The Alchemist: Hey! Hey, look! I'm in The Residents! (laughs)
Dr. Orpheus: Does anybody else feel even slightly embarrassed here?
Jefferson Twilight: Only most of the time.
Dr. Orpheus: Practice makes perfect! We shall meet at my home for some real training!
The Alchemist: Yeah! (sing-song) Slumber party!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Alchemist: I'm here! And I've got some fancy beer and some chips guaranteed to be... extreme!
Dr. Orpheus: (Amazed) How is that possible...?
The Alchemist: I don't know, by putting a lightning bolt on the bag.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[The Alchemist enters wearing a flamboyant shirt]
Jefferson Twilight: Al, what is that? I need earplugs just to look at your shirt.
The Alchemist: I'm in disguise as a ponchy gay guy who loves Jimmy Buffett. I thought you setting up an apparatus. That's a pilates mat and a baby's first birthday candle.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank Venture: Why would you do this?
#21: What, be a henchman?
Hank: Yeah. Retardo costume, some skinny guy yelling at you all the time.
#21: Dude, are you describing me or you?
Hank: I don’t wear a costume.
#21: What, are you drunk? Where do you even buy a baby-blue kerchief? Heh - I just said “kerchief. Dude! What, does your dad use his time machine to go shopping?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(#24, nursing a bad hangover, is escorting Dean through the Cocoon corridor)
Dean Venture: Are the walls titanium or made of secret rocket ship metal?
#24: What? Who ca-.. Uh.. I know they're wicked easy to stain...
Dean: (trying to impress 24 with his knowledge) Hm. We can rule out any chromium-based metals. Those clean nicely with a damp cloth!
#24: (exasperated) All right. I'll... "rule that out."
(awkward pause)
#24: So uh... You, uh, like being a uh...
Dean: ..A Dean?
#24: Yeah. A Dean. That must kind of uh... suck...

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#24: Well after the party died down and you went to bed, y'know, some of us were still pretty wired and uh, so we decided to pick up a case and hit the tenderloin. Loin.
#21: Mind you, we were pretty, wicked toasted by this point, which was when I spotted this tattoo parlor and I just had to get me some ink! See, I have had, like, this design in my wallet for, like, a year, but you know, that shit is permanent.
#24: Ah, he never had the balls.
#21: Guilty! But once this Cowardly Lion got some courage from The Wizard of Booze, we went in there! And -- stand by..."
(Henchman #21 turns and vomits on the floor)

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Sovereign: The Council of 13 has reviewed your request and it is denied. You are to commit no acts of vengeance against the Monarch. It matters not that you were dumped. And that's kinda... you know...
Phantom Limb: I understand, Sovereign.
Sovereign: May I suggest you start a journal? There you could pour out your woes upon the tears-stained pages of "dear diary."
Phantom Limb: That is an excellent suggestion, my liege.
Sovereign: Or maybe go jogging with friends.
Phantom Limb: I shall do just that! You honor me, my master.
Sovereign: So I have your word then? No movement on the Monarch?
Phantom Limb: You have my word.
Sovereign: Excellent! Well, I'm glad we got this wrapped up! I've got a wedding to get to... oh, uh... I'm gonna go.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Phantom Limb's helicopters descend on The Cocoon seconds before the priest declares The Monarch and Dr. Girlfriend man and wife)
Phantom Limb on Video screen: Monarch, this is the Phantom Limb. You are surrounded.
The Monarch: OH! DICK MOVE!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Hank: (Faking Russian accent) Hello-ski, I am, how you say...Russian-guy-o-vich!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[various henchmen are crawling around in pain, there are bachelor party decorations torn up on the walls]
#24: Oy, he's gonna kill us. Maybe if we beg for mercy.
#21: Oh god, let him. It would be such sweet release from this torture we've brought upon ourselves. Oh fuck it, you kill me. Just don't hit my head or make too much noise doing it.
Brock: I have an idea, chunk. : [the camera pans over to reveal Brock is in a holding cell] You open this door and I'll kill ya.
#21: What. Did. We. DO?!?
#24: Oh shit, I thought I dreamt that part.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
21: No way! Is that...
Brock: [Snarling] David...Bowie.
David Bowie: Brock Samson. It's been a while.
Brock: Not long enough. Your lucky I don't kill you right here after what you pulled in Berlin.
[Iggy Pop and Klaus Nomi jump in front of Bowie, acting as his bodyguards]
David Bowie: You're welcome to try.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[At The Aisle]
The Monarch: [Gasps] Oh! There she is! [Whispering] Hi, Pookums!
Dr. Venture: You know I feel so dirty, when they start talking cute.
The Monarch: Get used to it!
Dr. Venture: I wanna tell her that I love her... but, that point is probably moot.
The Monarch: ...Are you reciting "Jessie's Girl"?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
#24: Brock Samson, slayer of men. Slayer of hench men.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Phantom Limb is outside his garden bird shooting]
Monarch: Apparently, you lost your hearing as well as your arms. I said I'm getting married to your girlfriend!
Phantom Limb: Yes, yes. I heard you.
Monarch: You surprise me, Limb. You're taking this pretty well. I thought you'd try to kill me.
Phantom Limb: I'm no fool, Monarch. You don't live with a woman and not know when this is coming. You don't dine on the bounty of a woman's flesh and not know what she's thinking.
Monarch: OK, OK.
Phantom Limb: You don't drive your manhood over and over into a woman and...
Monarch: Yes, stop. I get it! Just give me her shit and let me go. She needs something old.
Phantom Limb: In due time. I thought we'd have a nice chat first. There's one. [Shoots Mr. Monday]
Monarch: Was that Mr. Monday?
Phantom Limb: Oh yes. You two were in prison together, were you not?
Monarch: I saw him... around. I think.
Phantom Limb: You'd be surprised at the array of wildlife here on the grounds. Wonder what other game we could scare up. [Shoots Dr. Septapus out of the tree]
Monarch: Dr... Septapus?
Phantom Limb: Oh, don't tell me, Not another one of your former prison mates? What are the odds? [Shoots him again]
Monarch: All right, Limb. What's going on here?
Phantom Limb: Just disposing of some vermin. Terrible, the havoc they can wreak on a meticulously manicured lawn, you know. [Shoots White-Noise]
Monarch: OK, OK, fine. So what did you do? Bust all these guys out of jail just to show me how ruthless you are?
Phantom Limb: What do you take me for, a common thug? Of course not. I hired them an excellent appeals attorney. And t

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
As Phantom Limb makes his stunning power play, only Brock can rally The Monarch’s forces to mount a defense. The fate of almost everyone in the Venture universe hangs in the balance as The Sovereign reveals his true identity and guys and stuff explode all over the place.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Henry Killinger: I wish you both very much luck in your life together...what's left of it.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Phantom Limb: Monarch! What say you?
Monarch: I say what kind of loser can't get the hint that he's been dumped?
Phantom Limb: So it's okay for you to kidnap her, but when I do it I'm a loser!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(The Cocoon is being attacked)
Brock: Hank!
Hank: I'm cool!
Brock: Okay. Try not to die! Go find your brother, we're leaving.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
Giant Boy Detective: Behold! The Ring of Power!! Eons have been waiting for he who can wear the magic and not melt or burst into flames or something...
Dean: Giant Boy Detective! You're real!! Are we gonna solve a mystery?
Giant Boy Detective: No, young'un. We are going to save the kingdom and restore Princess Tinglepants to the throne, then peace shall reign for eternity!
Dean: (unenthusiastic) Oh.. Okay...
Giant Boy Detective: ...And solve a super cool mystery?
Dean: (enthusiastic) Yay!! You're a short giant. Aren't you like 30 feet tall in the books?
Giant Boy Detective: Oh, if you think I'm a disappointment, you should see Clifford. He's, like, the size of one of those little dogs rich ladies drag around. Plus, he's more pink than red. Anyways, the Magic Flashlight shall lead the way!! (flashlight burns out) Stupid fucking enchanted batteries...

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
The Great White Oracle: Giant Boy Detective, show me this mighty warrior you speak of!
Giant Boy Detective: Okay, but don't be judgmental. You have to keep an open mind!
The Great White Oracle: I always do!
Giant Boy Detective: You're kidding, right?
The Great White Oracle: You're the one whose always judgmental.
Giant Boy Detective: A-Are you insane?! You're always, like, "Hey fella, you might wanna roll up the windows in this neighborhood!"
The Great White Oracle: Am I doing it now?
Giant Boy Detective: Well, no but...
The Great White Oracle: Then show me the friggin' warrior already! (Giant Boy Detective reveals Dean) What, behind the little kid?
Giant Boy Detective: See, you always do this!
The Great White Oracle: What? I'm not being judgmental, I'm making a judgment. There's a huge difference.
Giant Lab Rat: Oh, this is just stupid! You bother the Great White Oracle for this?! That shivering child? Clearly he's incompetent and I bet he's a sissy!
The Great White Oracle: Yeah, or a crybaby. (taunting) Is this true? Is baby gonna cry? Like a witlle baby cwy, huh?
Dean: (fighting back tears) I am not a crybaby!
Giant Boy Detective: Eh, don't kid yourself there. You're bit of a pussy. No offense.
Dean: I can do this! I am the chosen one! I have the Ring of Power! (Ring falls off his finger onto the floor)
Giant Boy Detective: The princess is completely screwed...
Dean: There's a princess?
The Great White Oracle: Oh, sure! And she is a looker!
Giant Lab Rat: Oh, please! She dresses like a whore!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Dr. Girlfriend is being taken to Phantom Limb by Klaus Nomi and Iggy Pop)
Dr. Girlfriend: (To Klaus) What are you... supposed to be from The Future, or something? (To Iggy) And YOU! Put a SHIRT on, for God's sake! [To Phantom Limb] Where do you get off siccing your two stooges on me?!
Klaus Nomi: I wasn't in The Stooges

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(As the Guild choppers begin the attack on the Cocoon)
Cocoon Navigator Engines online!
The Monarch: BOOK!!!!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(The Cocoon is escaping Phantom Limb's Forces)
Doctor Venture: So...it's a cocoon...that flies...
The Monarch: Obviously!
Doctor Venture: I just realized that makes no sense.
The Monarch: Duh! Monarch! Butterfly, butterfly cocoon, it's a theme thing!
Doctor Venture: Yeah, I get it, but why didn't you just make it shaped like a butterfly?
The Monarch: (The Monarch leans over and looks at Doctor Venture) Because that's gay?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[A Sullustan summoned by the Order of the Triad is flying them to the Monarch's cocoon in the X-1]
Alchemist: Well, I can't help you not save the Ventures from back here in the kiddy seat. Why does creepo get to be the co-pilot?
Dr. Orpheus: [working with his seatbelt] I wasn't the one who materialized him from a trading card.
Alchemist: Point of order: I wanted to kill him. Because I bet he's abomination or something. And isn't there some code about that.
Dr. Orpheus: Unless he is made from dead people, it's still considered murder. Nice try. Got it! It was all crammed into the cushion.
Jefferson Twilight: [waking up] What if he gets hit by a car and he's half-dead? I had this dog once that never...
[The Sullustan launches the ship]
Dr. Orpheus: I hope he knows where we're going.
Alchemist: I hope he couldn't understand what I said about him.

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(During the battle, a mortally wounded henchman crashes into Brock's arms)
Dying Henchman: Ah, it's wicked bad out there, sir! I didn't mean to let you down. These five minutes under your command... have been... the proudest... in my... caree... (He goes limp)
(Brock, totally unmoved, callously pitches the corpse into the turbine of a nearby Guild chopper. The turbine seizes in a gush of blood and the chopper plummets downward)

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
[Iggy Pop is sent outside the Helicarrier to smoke]
Iggy Pop: Man... this is ridiculous... God, it's so frickin' cold, man...
[The Cigarette he pulls out bears the face of his former Master, David Bowie]
David Bowie-Cigarette: Hullo. I'm David Bowie.
Iggy Pop: What the...
[David shapeshifts back into his old body and clobbers Iggy with a right hook]
David Bowie: Make way for the Homo Superior!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(Dean, in a hallucination, frees child orphan laborers and begins destroying the engine they were powering)
Dean: Run, orphans! Be free! And have your own room! And maybe not have to live in fear of costumed guys trying to kill you all the time! And there are no yetis freaking out on you or, like, putting you on a rocketship! Run to a place where your father won't make you get in a fight with a venus flytrap that walks and, with a gun!

TV Show: The Venture Bros.
(The Monarch's joystick stops working)
The Monarch: What's going on? I've got no go here!
Cocoon Navigator: Um, here's something. We just lost power...like, uh, all of it.
The Monarch: Where'd it go?
Cocoon Navigator: Oh, oh, I don't know...uh, somewhere? Uh...it's not in the engine.
The Monarch: What?!? Someone get down to engine room and find out what the hell happened!
Cocoon Navigator: Oh no, no way...that place is spooky.
Doctor Venture: You...pay these people?
The Monarch: (quietly) Uhhhh, you wanna...see my escape cocoon?

TV Show: The Venture Bros.