The Vicar of Dibley Quotes

Geraldine: What's worse than not selling any tickets?
Owen Newitt: Well selling one ticket. But selling it to a serial killer.
Jim: No, no, no, no, that's right. Who comes on stage, and slits all our throats, and leaves us all lying in a great pool of blood!

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley

Geraldine: Hello, I'm Geraldine. Believe you're expecting me.
David Horton: No, I'm expecting our new vicar. Unless of course you are the new vicar and they've landed us with a woman [laughs]
David Horton: as some sort of insane joke.
Geraldine: Oh, dear.
David Horton: Oh, my God!
Geraldine: You were expecting a bloke; beard, Bible, bad breath.
David Horton: Yes, that sort of thing.
Geraldine: Yeah. And instead you got a babe with a bob-cut and a magnificent bosom.
David Horton: So I see.

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley

Reverend Geraldine Granger: That Cropley woman really is the Queen of Cordon Bleurgh!

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley

[last lines]
Geraldine Granger: And the winner of the broadcasting prize is, or course, our resident cool dude, Mr Hugo 'Hot-dog' Horton. And on that happy note it's farewell from Radio Dibley. Hit it, Newitt.

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley

[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So there's this man vicar...
Alice Tinker: Oh!
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he's playing golf with his friend, John.
Alice Tinker: John.
Geraldine Granger: John, yup. And John misses a three foot putt.
Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah. And he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!" and the vicar tuts and he says, "John, you say that once more and God will open up the heavens and send a thunderbolt down to strike you dead." Well, the next thing that happens, John misses a two foot putt, and he says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker: Uh-oh.
Geraldine Granger: Yes. So the heavens open, a great big thunderbolt comes down and strikes the *vicar* dead. And God says, "Damn it! Missed the bugger!"
Alice Tinker: No, no-no, that, that can't be right, can it? Because God wouldn't miss, 'cause He's God. I mean even though he was standing really close he'd still hit the right one, and he certainly wouldn't swear.
Geraldine Granger: It's a very tiny brain you're housing in there, isn't it?

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley

[post credits]
Geraldine Granger: So three nuns get killed in a car crash.
Alice Tinker: Oh, dear.
Geraldine Granger: Yes, and they get up to heaven.
Alice Tinker: Of course.
Geraldine Granger: And Peter's at the gate and he says, "I'm afraid you're going to have to answer a question before you can come in."
Alice Tinker: Oh!
Geraldine Granger: So he says to the first one, "Don't worry the questions are very easy. What was the name of the first woman?" And she says, "Eve," and he says, "Yep, you're in." And he says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?"
Alice Tinker: Oh yes, I know this.
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, yeah yeah. And she says,
Geraldine Granger, Alice Tinker: "Garden of Eden."
Geraldine Granger: And he says, "Yep, you're in."
Alice Tinker: Phew.
Geraldine Granger: And he says to the third one, which was the mother superior, "I'm afraid the question is going to have to be a little bit more tricky for you."
Alice Tinker: Well, fair enough 'cause...
Geraldine Granger: Yeah, obviously. And he says to her, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" And the mother superior says, "Oh, that's a hard one." And he says, "Yup, you're in." [Geraldine starts laughing]
Alice Tinker: [long pause] Well, she hadn't answered the question.
Geraldine Granger: Pardon?
Alice Tinker: She hadn't answered the question.
Geraldine Granger: How do you mean?
Alice Tinker: He let her in and she

Movie: The Vicar of Dibley

Reverend Pottle: I pray for all the members of this congregation, also for the Queen, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and Mrs. Sinclair Wilson and all her family. (Alice whispers in his ear) Mrs. Sinclair Wilson, who has been having trouble with her piles again, and the Queen and all her family. Amen.