The Young Ones Quotes
Vyvyan's Mum: So, dear, why don't you come over here and tell me what you've been doing for the past 10 years?
Vyvyan: Well...
Vyvyan's Mum: Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
Vyvyan: Well...
Vyvyan's Mum: Not you. Zitface! [Picks Mike up from his seat] Him.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Pollution, all around. Sometimes up, sometimes down. But always around. Pollution are you coming to my town? Or am I coming to yours? Ha! We're on different buses, pollution, but we're both using petrol... bombs.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Vyvyan! Have you been using my roll-on deodourant? There's a revolting hair on it, and it's not one of mine!
Vyvyan: How do you know?
Rick: Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit]
Vyvyan: Not the ones on your bum you can't.
Vyvyan: How do you know?
Rick: Because I know what mine looks like, Vyvyan! I can see them now! [raises arm and points to armpit]
Vyvyan: Not the ones on your bum you can't.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Aha, caught you Vyvyan, using my ketchup on your cornflakes!
Vyvyan: Well I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.
Rick: Why, what are you, a spazzy?
Vyvyan: No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.
Vyvyan: Well I couldn't get any milk out of the fridge.
Rick: Why, what are you, a spazzy?
Vyvyan: No, there just happens to be an atom bomb in front of the door.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Absolutely pathetic! There's nothing on at all! Humph! Don't know why we bother to pay our license!
Mike: We don't.
Rick: But, haven't we got a license?
Mike: No.
Rick: But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!
Vyvyan: What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
Rick: [look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Not if you haven't got a bottom.
Mike: We don't.
Rick: But, haven't we got a license?
Mike: No.
Rick: But that makes me a criminal! [thinks about it] Right on! Yeah, this will shake them up at the Anarchists Society! Occupying the refectories! So what? This is the real stuff! I'm a fugitive! A desperado! I'm going to form a new union society, right? With me as president! "People Who Don't Pay Their TV Licenses Against the Nazis!" [takes out pad and pen and starts writing] This is only the beginning!
Vyvyan: What are you going to do, Rick? Burn your bra?
Rick: [look at Vyvyan flatly] Well, someone's got to do it, Vyvyan! It's very easy to sit on your backside, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Not if you haven't got a bottom.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: That's just typical. Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Anarchist: Next week, right, I'm going to blow up a panda in Croydon.
Rick: Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em.
Anarchist: I mean a police car, you terminal wally!
Rick: Yeah, right on! Bloody zoos, who needs 'em.
Anarchist: I mean a police car, you terminal wally!
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: [trying to host a party] That's my flatmate Vyvyan. Hi, Vyvyan, what are you doing?
Vyvyan: [pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!
Rick: [laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
Vyvyan: [pauses from doing push-ups] Shut up, you girl!
Rick: [laughs] He's incredible! I'm not a girl at all! Mind you, we're all pretty potty in this house. Last night, right, we were all watching the television and it was a program we wanted to watch, you know, and, uh, we were just watching it and right in the middle of it, I got up and turned it off! Mad! I don't care what I do, you know. Unless it's work or anything like that, you know. Last Wednesday we stayed up 'til one o'clock in the morning!
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mr. Balowski: There's no chance of using your toilet, is there?
Mike: No.
Mr. Balowski: I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.
Mike: No.
Mr. Balowski: I thought not, that's why I pissed in your garden.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Sue: Goodness, is that the time?
Vyvyan: No, the clock's broken. The hands keep whizzing round. It's only really half past seven.
Vyvyan: No, the clock's broken. The hands keep whizzing round. It's only really half past seven.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Neil: It was getting really hot. Then I thought, oh no, I should have put out that sociology file that was burning on Rick's bed.
Vyvyan: Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
Neil: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there - you could have given me away!
Vyvyan: Yeah, I did that. Trying to make Rick think I was hiding in his bedroom.
Neil: What? You set fire to Rick's bedroom? I think that's a very selfish thing to do Vyvyan. I was hiding in there - you could have given me away!
TV Show: The Young Ones
[Neil announces he's doing an inventory of the kitchen]
Rick: Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!
Vyvyan: Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?
Rick: Yes.
Vyvyan: [mock sympathy] Oh, I'm sorry Rick, I'm very sorry! I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!
Rick: Neil, you don't have to do that! All my stuff is covered with sticky labels!
Vyvyan: Wait a minute! Was yours the stuff with the sticky labels with "Rick" written on it?
Rick: Yes.
Vyvyan: [mock sympathy] Oh, I'm sorry Rick, I'm very sorry! I thought it was mine, and I ate them, every single one!
TV Show: The Young Ones
[Neil is going over whose food is whose in the fridge]
Vyvyan: My potion! Don't forget my potion!
Neil: What potion?
Vyvyan: It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!
Neil: [Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?
Vyvyan: Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!
Neil: [with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and becomes an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
Rick: O yes, I think so too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]
Vyvyan: My potion! Don't forget my potion!
Neil: What potion?
Vyvyan: It's a potion I've invented that, when a person drinks it, he turns into an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! It's basically a cure, for not being an axe-wielding homicidal maniac! The potential market's enormous!
Neil: [Notes Coke can in fridge] Is this it?
Vyvyan: Yeah! I put it in a Coke can so no one would drink it by accident!
Neil: [with hammy foreshadowing] You know, I just bet, a bit later on, someone does drink that, and becomes an axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
Rick: O yes, I think so too! That's just the sort of crazy unpredictable kind of thing that happens around here, isn't it? [all are ignoring Rick] I said "Isn't It?" [still no reaction from the others, Rick pouts]
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Hey, Neil.
Neil: Yes, Mike?
Mike: Come over here.
Neil: You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?
Mike: No, I don't.
Neil: Oh.
Mike: Where's my breakfast?
Vyvyan: Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
Neil: Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
Mike: So why haven't you gone?
Neil: Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
Rick: There's plenty of money in the kitty!
Neil: Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
Vyvyan: [wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
Rick: [pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
Neil: Yes, Mike?
Mike: Come over here.
Neil: You want to know why I keep hitting myself in the head with a frying pan, don't you, Mike?
Mike: No, I don't.
Neil: Oh.
Mike: Where's my breakfast?
Vyvyan: Yeah, where's the bloody vindaloo, hippie? You said you were going to the shops two hours ago!
Neil: Oh, come on, guys! It's always my turn to go to the shops!
Mike: So why haven't you gone?
Neil: Well, it's raining. My hair will lose its shape! Anyway, I haven't got any money!
Rick: There's plenty of money in the kitty!
Neil: Yeah, but he's constipated, isn't he?
Vyvyan: [wielding dagger] Well, let's open him up, then!
Rick: [pointing to floor] There he is, Vyvyan! GET HIM!
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mr. Balowski: Heerrree's Jerzei!
Rick: It's Mr. Balowski!
Vyvyan: How did he get in here?
Neil: Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
Mr. Balowski: Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
Rick: Oh, my God! He's turned into a axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
Rick: It's Mr. Balowski!
Vyvyan: How did he get in here?
Neil: Well, you could eat him instead, actually.
Mr. Balowski: Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Boys and girls come out to play on the busy motorway! Let me in! Jerzei wants to play 'Hospital'!
Rick: Oh, my God! He's turned into a axe-wielding homicidal maniac!
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: Honestly, I don't know why I bother sometimes.
Vyvyan: I don't know why you bother ever.
Vyvyan: I don't know why you bother ever.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Neil: Why didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
Vyvyan: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came - you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish.
Neil: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Vyvyan: Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday.
Neil: Yeah, sausages and?
Vyvyan: Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil - now you discharge yours.
Vyvyan: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil, you do! That's what we agreed when we first came - you do the cooking, I'll look after the plants and the goldfish.
Neil: Yeah, and what did you make me cook on that first day?
Vyvyan: Er, sausages! It was a Tuesday.
Neil: Yeah, sausages and?
Vyvyan: Sausages and plants and goldfish! Look, I've discharged my responsibilities, Neil - now you discharge yours.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Neil: I mean, come on guys, you can tell me, truthfully, do I smell?
Mike: Yes.
Neil: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?
Vyvyan: We mean, yes you smell. Smelly.
Neil: [clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.
Mike: Yes.
Neil: Come on guys, I can handle it, you can tell me, do I sme- what do you mean, yes?
Vyvyan: We mean, yes you smell. Smelly.
Neil: [clearly not handling it] Oh, great. Yeah.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Rick: I feel sorry for you, you zeros! You nobodies! What's going to live on after you die? I'll tell you - nothing! That's what! [struggling to hang himself] Oh, this is pathetic!
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
Neil: [upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv – er, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
Vyvyan: I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
Neil: I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
Rick: This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
Rick: And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
Pack of matches: Don't look at me. I'm ilrelavent.
[he gives up trying to hang himself, then sees a jar of pills and attempts to overdose]
Neil: [upon seeing Rick eating the pills] Vyv, Vyv – er, can you, like, actually kill yourself with laxative pills?
Vyvyan: I don't know Neil, but I'm going to stay and find out!
Neil: I think I'm going up to my room for a bit!
[Rick swallows pills in front of Neil as he leaves]
Rick: This house will become a shrine, and punks and skins and rastas will all gather round and hold their hands in sorrow for their fallen leader. And all the grown-ups will say, "But why are the kids crying?" And the kids will say, "Haven't you heard? Rick is dead! The People's Poet is dead!"
[Vyvyan crouches down to watch Rick's rear as he talks]
Rick: And then one particularly sensitive and articulate teenager will say, "Other kids, do you understand nothing? How can Rick be dead when we still have his poems?" And then another kid will say... [he then farts loudly and realises what he's been taking]
Pack of matches: Don't look at me. I'm ilrelavent.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Right, that's it, we're going to the launderette, now!
Vyvyan: We can't Mike.
Mike: Why not?
Vyvyan: Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Mike: Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
"Vyvyan": [Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
"Rick": [Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
"Neil": [Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
"Rick": Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
"Vyvyan": [grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
"Mike": [Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
"Vyvyan": Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
"Neil": Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Vyvyan: God! Th
Vyvyan: We can't Mike.
Mike: Why not?
Vyvyan: Because they don't open for another eight hours. It's midnight.
Mike: Right, that's it, we're going upstairs to bed very fast, now.
[close-up on the guys' feet as they run up the stairs. Immediately the light comes up, a cock crows, and close-up on their feet as they run down the stairs. The guys alight in the living room. The actors are all in the wrong characters and costumes.]
"Vyvyan": [Rik Mayall dressed as Vyvyan] Ah, morning! Completely brilliant! Let's go to the launderette.
"Rick": [Nigel Planer dressed as Rick] Oh, oh, so it's completely brilliant. And now we've all got to go to the launderette just because Vyvyan says so! It's like we're living in Nazi Germany. Neil, I hate you.
"Neil": [Christopher Ryan dressed as Neil] Oh, wow, don't bring me down and hassle me, Rick. I'm really confused. [to camera] I'm just not feeling myself today.
"Rick": Mike, you could do a really good joke, couldn't you, about feeling yourself!
"Vyvyan": [grabbing "Rick" by the collar] Shut up, or I'll kill you!
"Mike": [Adrian Edmonson dressed as Mike] Okay, guys, come on. As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, I'm getting fed up. I want to wash my smalls, and I don't mean dip my tiddlies in a glass of water. Let's go!
"Vyvyan": Right. [points to "Rick"'s hat] And take that stupid, girly bonnet off!
["Rick" takes off his hat, and Neil's long hair tumbles out]
"Neil": Right, let's go.
[They all jump up into the air and disappear. Cut to a city street outside the launderette. The guys appear, and the actors are now back in the correct characters]
Vyvyan: God! Th
TV Show: The Young Ones
Washing Machine: [spits out the guys' dirty clothes] No way!
Neil: Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!
Washing Machine: [opens up] Phwoar!
Vyvyan: Now!
[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open]
Neil: Oh, wow! Techno-fear! It's happening again, all the machines are ganging up on me! Vyvyan!
Vyvyan: Get out of the way, Neil! Me and machinery have a very special understanding. Now then, don't give me any gyp, you bastard. [All the machines close on them] Oh dear! [clears throat] This calls for a very special blend of psychology and extreme violence. [to machine] Oh, la-di-dah! Look what I found in my laundry bag! All of Felicity Kendal's underwear, and it needs a good wash!
Washing Machine: [opens up] Phwoar!
Vyvyan: Now!
[Rick and Mike frantically load the clothes into the machine while Vyvyan and Neil hold it open]
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Vyvyan: "Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel]
Vyvyan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan winds up pulling the communication cord, stopping the train]
Rick: Oh, good heavens, what now?!
Mike: Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Rick: Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
Neil: Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Mike: Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
[Vyvyan leans out of the window, only to have his head cut off whilst going through a tunnel]
Vyvyan: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
[The headless Vyvyan winds up pulling the communication cord, stopping the train]
Rick: Oh, good heavens, what now?!
Mike: Somebody must have pulled the communication cord.
Rick: Well, it wasn't me, matey. If British Rail want 50 pounds, they can just about bloomin' well go out and become a prostitute, which they virtually are anyway, come to think of it... [turns to camera] ...right, commuters?
Neil: Oh no, we'll never get there on time now!
Mike: Relax, Neil, Bambi's a personal friend. I introduced him to Walt Disney.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: [to the guard] Evening, officer. University Challenge, Scumbag College.
Guard: Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Neil: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Mike: Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
Guard: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Neil: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
Guard: Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
Vyvyan: It's my mascot!
Guard: A pig?
Vyvyan: No!
Guard: It is.
Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as The Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Mike: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Rick: Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
Pig: [in thought balloon] That's nothing, someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
Guard: Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Bambi
Guard: Yeah, hang on, hang on... [checks his clipboard] You were supposed to be here two weeks ago.
Neil: Well, we had to walk the last 200 miles.
Mike: Didn't you get our message? Neil, why didn't you phone our message?
Guard: [checking his clipboard] We did get a message, yes... "Beep beep beep, oh no heavy, the coins keep coming out, beep beep beep, even the telephone hates me, beep beep beep, I wish there were no machines, and everyone led a pastoral existence, trees and flowers don't deliberately cool you out and go beep in your ear."
Neil: Yeah, that's the message, didn't you get it?
Guard: Yeah, that was on the twenty-fourth. [Vyvyan attempts to enter the studio with a pig] 'Ere, hang on! What's that?
Vyvyan: It's my mascot!
Guard: A pig?
Vyvyan: No!
Guard: It is.
Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. It's a deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.
Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as The Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
Vyvyan: Aha! And that's where I had you fooled because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
Mike: Well done, Vyv, you've certainly got him there.
Rick: Have you had enough, Nazi, or do you want some more? [gives guard the 2-finger salute]
Pig: [in thought balloon] That's nothing, someone called me a policeman the other day.
[Bambi enters]
Guard: Good morning, Mr. Gascoigne, sir.
Bambi
TV Show: The Young Ones
Bambi: Hello, and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge...
Audience: Ra! Ra! Ra! We're going to smash the oiks!
Bambi: Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
S.P.G.: Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!
[Audience boo at Scumbag]
S.P.G.: See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [hits Teddy bear]
Bambi: Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
Lord Monty: Hello.
Bambi: Lord Snot...
[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Bambi: Ms. Money-Sterling...
[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Bambi: ...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
Kendal Mintcake: Hi!
Bambi: And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
Mike: Hello.
Bambi: Prick...
[A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name]
Bambi: Vyvyan... and Neil.
Neil: Vegetable rights and peace.
Audience: Ra! Ra! Ra! We're going to smash the oiks!
Bambi: Yes, that's the spirit. And Scumbag College.
S.P.G.: Oh aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!
[Audience boo at Scumbag]
S.P.G.: See you, Teddy bear! Come here! [hits Teddy bear]
Bambi: Yes, well representing Footlights, we have Lord Monty...
Lord Monty: Hello.
Bambi: Lord Snot...
[Lord Snot gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Bambi: Ms. Money-Sterling...
[Ms. Money-Sterling also gives a posh-sounding laugh and sips champagne]
Bambi: ...and Mr. Kendal Mintcake.
Kendal Mintcake: Hi!
Bambi: And representing Scumbag, we have Mike...
Mike: Hello.
Bambi: Prick...
[A startled Rick looks to see a 'p' written in front of his name]
Bambi: Vyvyan... and Neil.
Neil: Vegetable rights and peace.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Bambi: So, your starter for ten, no conferring. Born in 1311 of Manchurian stock, he came to...
[Neil buzzes in]
Voice-over: Scumbag, Neil.
Neil: Er, can I go to the toilet, please?
Bambi: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
Voice-over: Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty: Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?
Bambi: Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?
Lord Monty: Certainly, will £50 do?
Bambi: Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Lord Snot: Battle of Bannockburn!
Bambi: Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]
Neil: Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Bambi: Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.
Neil: Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]
Bambi: Who said 'Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire'?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
Kendal Mintcake: Lenin!
Bambi: Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...
[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
Ms.
[Neil buzzes in]
Voice-over: Scumbag, Neil.
Neil: Er, can I go to the toilet, please?
Bambi: No, I'm sorry, you're barking up the wrong tree there. Five point penalty to Scumbag, full question to Footlights, no conferring. [continuing the question] He came to represent the modal cathodic slip-weight of the...
[Lord Monty buzzes in]
Voice-over: Footlights, Monty.
Lord Monty: Er, now, wasn't it, wasn't it Monk De Wally De Honk?
Bambi: Yes, well you're almost there, can you give me any more?
Lord Monty: Certainly, will £50 do?
Bambi: Absolutely spot on. Well done, Footlights, ten points, and three bonus questions to you. What was the name of...
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Lord Snot: Battle of Bannockburn!
Bambi: Yes, well that's very well anticipated there. Battle of Bannockburn it is.
[Neil buzzes in, almost falling out of his booth]
Neil: Buzz, buzz, buzz... err, listen, sorry to hassle you or anything, Bambi, but I really do need to go to the toilet really badly, you know.
Bambi: Yes, well the second bonus question for Footlights, leading by fifteen points, but it's early days yet.
Neil: Oh no, guys, I'm just going to have to wee on Lord Snot's head.
[An appalled-looking Bambi looks up at Neil, then at the camera, before continuing]
Bambi: Who said 'Lawks a lordy, my bottom's on fire'?
[Kendal Mintcake buzzes in]
Kendal Mintcake: Lenin!
Bambi: Yes, well I can accept that, though the exact answer was Joan of Arc. Well done, Footlights, five points. And what is the chemical equation for...
[Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
Ms.
TV Show: The Young Ones
Bambi: So, starter for ten, fingers on the buzzers. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
Voice-over: Scumbag, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: [pause] What?
Rick: [to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil[feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
Mike: It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Bambi: Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Voice-over: Footlights, Snot.
Lord Snot: It's me, isn't it?
Bambi: No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
Lord Snot: Oh, damn!
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
Bambi: So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
Vyvyan: I'm completely bloody sick of this!
[he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake]
Vyvyan: Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Mike: Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
Vyvyan: [whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
Ms. Money-Sterling: It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Mike: Okay, Bambi. Let's hear another.
Bambi: So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of m
[Vyvyan unwittingly buzzes in while tampering with his microphone]
Voice-over: Scumbag, Vyvyan.
Vyvyan: [pause] What?
Rick: [to his team] We're getting thrashed! We're getting completely thrashed! Isn't there some way we can cheat?
Neil[feeling desperate for the toilet]: Guys, guys, look. It's beginning to seep out, guys. Please!
Mike: It's very simple, Neil. Use the jug.
[Mike pours the water out of the jug, and onto Lord Snot]
Bambi: Now, I'll have to hurry you, I'll have to hurry you. Who is the richest person in the world?
[Lord Snot buzzes in]
Voice-over: Footlights, Snot.
Lord Snot: It's me, isn't it?
Bambi: No, I'm afraid not. Your father's multi-national collapsed early this morning.
Lord Snot: Oh, damn!
[The jug that Neil was using to urinate in falls on top of Lord Snot's head]
Bambi: So, with the score... with the score still standing at 25 to nothing, here goes...
[Vyvyan buzzes in]
Vyvyan: I'm completely bloody sick of this!
[he stamps a hole in his booth and knocks out Kendal Mintcake]
Vyvyan: Give us some easy ones, Bambi, you big bottom boil!
Mike: Relax, we can handle this. Vyvyan?
Vyvyan: [whilst getting a German World War II grenade ready] Achtung!
[he throws the grenade into Footlights' booth; Ms. Money-Sterling buzzes in]
Ms. Money-Sterling: It's not an automatic...
[the grenade explodes, blowing Footlights to smithereens]
Mike: Okay, Bambi. Let's hear another.
Bambi: So here goes with the starter for ten: What is the record number of m
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Rick! Where'd you find all that fire wood?
Rick: Um, eh...Between my legs.
Vyvyan: [takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.
Rick: Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.
Vyvyan: What a revolting thought!
Rick: Um, eh...Between my legs.
Vyvyan: [takes the wood from Rick] Wish I'd thought of that.
Rick: Well, I wish you'd done it! I might want to have had children one day.
Vyvyan: What a revolting thought!
TV Show: The Young Ones
Mike: Gettin' cold in 'ere, Vyv! Throw another record player on the fire!
Vyvyan: oh certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]
Rick: You Bastards that's my record player.
Mike: You said it was your record player.
Vyvyan: No i didn't Mike, i said lets throw Ricks record player on the fire that will be good for a laugh.
Mike: Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick
Rick: Yes it is now give it back
Vyvyan: OK!
Rick: [holding back tears]...my parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!
Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed every one!
Rick: That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...
Mike: Rick, were all completely broke so we have to pull together. I have generously donated my used tissue collection and Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns.
Rick: Yes well never mind all that now, I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...(Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg) oowww!!!
Vyvyan: Ahh looks like suppers ready! (watches as Neil is trying to hammer the plates to the table) Oh were not having broken crochery again, that's my recipe.
Neil: I'm not cooking Vyvyan, i'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.
Vyvyan: Neil is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table. I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid Hippy.
Neil: No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you okay, so like sit down.
Rick: What do you mean sit down theres only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off eachother?
Neil:
Vyvyan: oh certainly Michael [Begins throwing bits of Rick's chopped-up record player on the fire]
Rick: You Bastards that's my record player.
Mike: You said it was your record player.
Vyvyan: No i didn't Mike, i said lets throw Ricks record player on the fire that will be good for a laugh.
Mike: Oh yeah, yeah it is yours Rick
Rick: Yes it is now give it back
Vyvyan: OK!
Rick: [holding back tears]...my parents gave me that record player for finishing my O Levels!
Vyvyan And by the looks of it you failed every one!
Rick: That's not true. I got a B for French, i got a C for divinity...
Mike: Rick, were all completely broke so we have to pull together. I have generously donated my used tissue collection and Vyvyan has burnt everything Neil owns.
Rick: Yes well never mind all that now, I'm more interested in sorting out this O level business. I got a 4 for Geo...(Neil moves the table and Rick hits his leg) oowww!!!
Vyvyan: Ahh looks like suppers ready! (watches as Neil is trying to hammer the plates to the table) Oh were not having broken crochery again, that's my recipe.
Neil: I'm not cooking Vyvyan, i'm just trying to nail the plates to the table.
Vyvyan: Neil is it really necessary to nail the plates to the table. I mean what happens when we wanna play Monopoly? Go directly to plate! do not pass plate nailed to the table by a stupid Hippy.
Neil: No guys, guys you don't understand. I've got something well scary to lay on you okay, so like sit down.
Rick: What do you mean sit down theres only one chair, do you expect us all to put our bottoms on that and catch horrible diseases off eachother?
Neil:
TV Show: The Young Ones