Torchwood Quotes
[John Ellis picks up a copy of a magazine with a woman in her underwear on the front]
John: Good God!
Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.
John: There are children around!
Ianto: She's a children's TV presenter.
[John replaces the magazine with a shocked expression]
John: Good God!
Ianto: Welcome to the wonderful world of scantily-clad celebrities.
John: There are children around!
Ianto: She's a children's TV presenter.
[John replaces the magazine with a shocked expression]
TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: Emma's parents are a bit religious.
Rhys: Oh, er...Better not tell them you saw my morning then,eh!
Rhys: Oh, er...Better not tell them you saw my morning then,eh!
TV Show: Torchwood
[At a scene where a man has been killed by a weevil, The Crazy Frog Ringtone sounds]
Tosh: Is that his...?
Jack: You don't think I would choose that ringtone.
Tosh: Is that his...?
Jack: You don't think I would choose that ringtone.
TV Show: Torchwood
[Owens phone rings]
Owen: This is Owen's voicemail, don't leave a message.
Jack: Nice try, Owen, I want you back at the hub immediately.
Owen: This is Owen's voicemail, don't leave a message.
Jack: Nice try, Owen, I want you back at the hub immediately.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: Okay Janet [the Weevil], time for a trip out.
Tosh: You call it Janet?
Jack: Barbara just never seemed right.
Tosh: You call it Janet?
Jack: Barbara just never seemed right.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: I went to war when I was a boy. I was with my best friend. We got caught crossing the border over enemy lines. They tortured him, not me, because he was weaker. They made me watch him die. And they let me go.
Captain Jack Harkness: Who were they?
Jack: The worst possible creatures you can imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.
Captain Jack Harkness: Have any of us?
Captain Jack Harkness: Who were they?
Jack: The worst possible creatures you can imagine. I persuaded him to join up. I said it would be an adventure. He hadn't lived.
Captain Jack Harkness: Have any of us?
TV Show: Torchwood
Ianto: Jack needs me!
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams, when you're his part time shag maybe.
Owen: In your dreams, Ianto. In your sad wet dreams, when you're his part time shag maybe.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: Under any other circumstances, an exuberant Roman soldier would be my idea of a perfect morning.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: [About Abaddon] Abaddon is the bringer of death, let's see how he goes with me. If he feeds on life, then I'm an all-you-can-eat buffet!
TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: So, what sort of vision did you have? We all saw people we loved, asking us to open the Rift. Who did you see?
Jack: Nothing. I didn't see anyone.
Gwen: Jack? What visions would have tempted you?
Jack: [sighs] The right kind of Doctor.
[Jack gets up and walks out of the room. He walks through the Hub, then stops. He walks across the room, staring at something. He bends over with a wide grin on his face in front of the hand in the jar. The hand is bubbling and glowing. The sound of a TARDIS materialising fills the room and blows paper around. Jack grins and runs offscreen (later continuing to Utopia). Gwen walks in as we hear the TARDIS start to dematerialise.]
Gwen: Jack!
[The TARDIS noise fades away as the others walk in and notice the mess]
Owen: I thought we tidied up in here.
Gwen: Did any of you see Jack on your way in?
Ianto: No. Why?
Gwen: [Arms folded, she turns to face the direction the noise came from] Something's taken him. Jack's gone.
Jack: Nothing. I didn't see anyone.
Gwen: Jack? What visions would have tempted you?
Jack: [sighs] The right kind of Doctor.
[Jack gets up and walks out of the room. He walks through the Hub, then stops. He walks across the room, staring at something. He bends over with a wide grin on his face in front of the hand in the jar. The hand is bubbling and glowing. The sound of a TARDIS materialising fills the room and blows paper around. Jack grins and runs offscreen (later continuing to Utopia). Gwen walks in as we hear the TARDIS start to dematerialise.]
Gwen: Jack!
[The TARDIS noise fades away as the others walk in and notice the mess]
Owen: I thought we tidied up in here.
Gwen: Did any of you see Jack on your way in?
Ianto: No. Why?
Gwen: [Arms folded, she turns to face the direction the noise came from] Something's taken him. Jack's gone.
TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: I've got to get Rhys back!
Jack: Yea, you're so in love with Rhys, you spend half your time in Owen's bed. [Gwen punches Jack]
Jack: Yea, you're so in love with Rhys, you spend half your time in Owen's bed. [Gwen punches Jack]
TV Show: Torchwood
Gwen: Excuse me, have you seen a blowfish driving a sports car?
[Old Woman points in the direction in which Torchwood are heading]
Gwen: [serious] Thank you. [driving away]
Old Woman: Bloody Torchwood.
[Old Woman points in the direction in which Torchwood are heading]
Gwen: [serious] Thank you. [driving away]
Old Woman: Bloody Torchwood.
TV Show: Torchwood
[Jack's vortex manipulator beeps]
Ianto: Woah, that never beeps.
Jack: That's what I was thinking.
Ianto: Woah, that never beeps.
Jack: That's what I was thinking.
TV Show: Torchwood
Captain John Hart: [as a hologram, sarcastically]Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!
TV Show: Torchwood
[John has skulled half a bottle of vodka]
Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and ...?
John: Murder.
Jack: [laughs] You went to murder rehab?
John: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: [jokingly worried] You clean now?
John: [deadpan] Yeah, kicked everything, living like a priest.
Jack: So, how was rehab?
John: Rehabs. Plural.
Jack: Drink, drugs, sex and ...?
John: Murder.
Jack: [laughs] You went to murder rehab?
John: I know. Ridiculous. The odd kill, who does it hurt?
Jack: [jokingly worried] You clean now?
John: [deadpan] Yeah, kicked everything, living like a priest.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: You have to go, I don't want you on my territory.
John: What? Time was you couldn't get enough of me on your territory.
John: What? Time was you couldn't get enough of me on your territory.
TV Show: Torchwood
John: Ooh, you've got a team. How sweet.[looks at Tosh] Pretty friend. No blonde, though, you need a blonde.
Owen: God, he's worse than Jack.
John: Do you have a team name? I love team names. Go on!
Jack: Torchwood.
John: Oh, not Excalibur? Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.
Owen: God, he's worse than Jack.
John: Do you have a team name? I love team names. Go on!
Jack: Torchwood.
John: Oh, not Excalibur? Blizzard? Bikini Cops? No? Torchwood. Oh dear.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: [After introducing the team] Meet
John: Captain John Hart.
Jack: We go back.
John: Excuse me, we more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
John: In every way. And then some.
John: Captain John Hart.
Jack: We go back.
John: Excuse me, we more than go back. We were partners.
Ianto: In what way?
John: In every way. And then some.
TV Show: Torchwood
John: It was like having a wife.
Jack: You were the wife.
John: You were the wife...
Jack: No, you were the wife...
John: Oh, but I was a good wife!
Tosh: I bet you were! [Gets a look off Owen] What, don't pretend you haven't noticed...he's cute.
John: They're just shy.
Jack: You were the wife.
John: You were the wife...
Jack: No, you were the wife...
John: Oh, but I was a good wife!
Tosh: I bet you were! [Gets a look off Owen] What, don't pretend you haven't noticed...he's cute.
John: They're just shy.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: Oh yeah, I love that office-y feel. I always get excited in these places. To me they're exotic. Office romances... Photocopying your butt, well maybe not your butt, although whilst we're here why don't we photo-
Ianto: The rift was active at these coordinates, approximately 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof.
Jack: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto: All the better for having you back, Sir.
Jack: Can we drop the 'Sir' now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking, maybe we could...You know, when this is all done...Dinner, a movie...?
Ianto: Are you asking me out on a date?
Jack: Interested?
Ianto: [stuttering] Well, as long as it's not in an office...Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.
Ianto: The rift was active at these coordinates, approximately 200 feet above ground. That means this floor or the roof.
Jack: How are you, Ianto?
Ianto: All the better for having you back, Sir.
Jack: Can we drop the 'Sir' now? I mean, while I was away, I was thinking, maybe we could...You know, when this is all done...Dinner, a movie...?
Ianto: Are you asking me out on a date?
Jack: Interested?
Ianto: [stuttering] Well, as long as it's not in an office...Some fetishes should be kept to yourself.
TV Show: Torchwood
Jack: Looks like we're going to have to go through every drawer, bin and plant-pot.
Ianto: Right, OK. I'll do this floor, don't want you getting over excited. You take the roof, you're good on roofs.
[Pause. Jack starts to leave]
Ianto: Jack? Why are we helping him?
Jack: He's a reminder of my past, I want him gone.
[Beat]
Jack: By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes, yes...
Ianto: Right, OK. I'll do this floor, don't want you getting over excited. You take the roof, you're good on roofs.
[Pause. Jack starts to leave]
Ianto: Jack? Why are we helping him?
Jack: He's a reminder of my past, I want him gone.
[Beat]
Jack: By the way, was that a yes?
Ianto: Yes, yes...
TV Show: Torchwood
Ianto: 'Just us. In this room. As long as it takes.' Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: [nods] Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: Well, it passed.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: [nods] Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: Well, it passed.
TV Show: Torchwood
Beth: Will it hurt?
Jack: Yeah.
Beth: Your bedside manners are rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious, apparently, so I've heard.
Ianto: Oh they are. I remember this one time...
[Jack clears his throat]
Jack: Yeah.
Beth: Your bedside manners are rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious, apparently, so I've heard.
Ianto: Oh they are. I remember this one time...
[Jack clears his throat]
TV Show: Torchwood
Toshiko: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it?
Jack: That was different. And that species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh, right, their heads must explode all the time.
[Gwen looks up, wide-eyed in shock]
Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Toshiko: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or at the first sign of explodiinggg. [grimaces and mimes a seizure].
Jack: [Snaps and points at Ianto] Hey!
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: Remember what happened last time you used it?
Jack: That was different. And that species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh, right, their heads must explode all the time.
[Gwen looks up, wide-eyed in shock]
Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Toshiko: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or at the first sign of explodiinggg. [grimaces and mimes a seizure].
Jack: [Snaps and points at Ianto] Hey!
TV Show: Torchwood
Tosh: No I can't just hook something up! The entire telephone network is down!
Owen: What about a mobile connection?
Tosh: [annoyed] The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down!
Ianto: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string - everything, absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. [mimics telephone] Hello? Anyone there? [normal]No, 'cause the phones aren't working!
Owen: What about a mobile connection?
Tosh: [annoyed] The entire. Telephone. Network. Is down!
Ianto: Mobiles, landlines, tin cans with bits of string - everything, absolutely everything! No phones, phones all broken. [mimics telephone] Hello? Anyone there? [normal]No, 'cause the phones aren't working!
TV Show: Torchwood