Two and a Half Men Quotes
Charlie: Alan?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: Smack your kid for me.
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.
Alan: Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.
Jake: Kobe Bryant?
Alan: No.
Jake: Lauren Conrad?
Alan: No.
Jake: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?
Alan: What is wrong with you?
Alan: Yeah?
Charlie: Smack your kid for me.
Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?
Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.
Alan: Oh, hey, you'll never guess who I ran into.
Jake: Kobe Bryant?
Alan: No.
Jake: Lauren Conrad?
Alan: No.
Jake: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs?
Alan: What is wrong with you?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[on Alan's screenplay]
Jake: You know what you could call it?
Alan: What?
Jake: Bor-ing!
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G... A-Y.
Jake: You know what you could call it?
Alan: What?
Jake: Bor-ing!
Alan: Thank you.
Jake: Rated G... A-Y.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
[Judith is in labor]
Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!
Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Judith: Great...
Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
Judith: Uh-huh.
Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!
Alan: Now, you're not breathing. You've got to remember to breathe. [Judith does so] Good, good, good. [looks at his watch] OK, now you're only two minutes apart so we're in the home stretch here.
Judith: Great...
Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.
Judith: Uh-huh.
Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Chelsea: I can't get over how into this baby you are.
Charlie: It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.
Chelsea: So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?
Charlie: I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.
Charlie: It was amazing. The miracle of birth. If Judith hadn't been there it would have been perfect.
Chelsea: So you're not against maybe having one of your own someday?
Charlie: I don't see why not. Turns out, I love babies, and as you know, I'm a longtime fan of intercourse.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: So what's the plan?
Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.
Jake: I'm gonna finish writing her this song and then I'm gonna sing it to her.
Charlie: Ok uh, is that the entire plan?
Jake: No, I'm also gonna put on a clean shirt.
Charlie: Oh, pulling out the big guns.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: You can't do this Judith, you cannot keep us apart, Herb and I will find a way to be together.
Mailman: Hi.
Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
Mailman: Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.
Mailman: Hi.
Alan: Hi, that must have sounded kinda strange.
Mailman: Not at all, Herb is a very handsome man.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: You know, you make it really difficult to love you sometimes.
Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.
Jake: Yeah, that's what my mom says.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Jake: I miss Celeste.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
Charlie: Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.
Charlie: I miss Chelsea.
Alan: I miss Herb... I mean Sex and the City, I miss Sex And The City.
Charlie: Yeah Alan, that's much less gay.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: I need something cooling and soothing. You could roast a marshmallow on my anus.
Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.
Jake: You know what would be good for dessert? S'mores.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Charlie: An orgy requires a minimum of six people.
Alan: What?
Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.
Alan: What?
Charlie: It goes (counting on his fingers) masturbation, one-on-one, three-some, two couple swinging, two couple swinging with a looky-loo, (holds up six fingers) orgy's six.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Berta: (on how she gets people to leave) Just tell 'em you missed your period and you're out of pot.
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
(Alan is moving out and Charlie has helped him pack. Alan finds a box labeled "Porn & Blow-Up Doll.")
Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
Alan: You couldn't spell "Miscellaneous"?
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
(Charlie has bribed Jake and Eldridge with five one-hundred dollar bills and told them to split it up any way they want.)
Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!
Eldridge: No matter how I figure it out there's gonna be one left over!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What are you doing?
Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
Alan: Really?
Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
Alan: I think you mean peckish.
Eldridge: Sure, if you want to dicker about it. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]
Jake: Fixing Eldridge something to eat.
Alan: Really?
Eldridge: Yes, I was feeling peckerish.
Alan: I think you mean peckish.
Eldridge: Sure, if you want to dicker about it. [Jake and Eldridge laugh]
TV Show: Two and a Half Men
Alan: What are you two doing!?!
Jake: Have you heard of Jackass?
Alan: Yeah.
Eldridge: We're Dumbass.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
Eldridge: Well we thought, what's better than Jackass?
Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.
Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
Jake: Think so?
Alan: Oh, yes I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!
Jake: Have you heard of Jackass?
Alan: Yeah.
Eldridge: We're Dumbass.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? However did you come up with that name?
Eldridge: Well we thought, what's better than Jackass?
Alan: That was kind of a rhetorical question.
Jake: It was between Dumbass and the Ass-kateers.
Alan: [Sarcastically] Really? I think you made the right call.
Jake: Think so?
Alan: Oh, yes I respect your decision. Now get this cleaned up!
TV Show: Two and a Half Men