Weeds Quotes
Andy Botwin: [to Shane about masturbation] Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is... every time we jerk the gerkin, we get a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So... First order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumming-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr. Sock?" Glad you asked... You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options. So let's start with the basics. Tissues. Perfectly acceptable backstop for all that Creamy Italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin and it can stick to your dick head like a fuckin' band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack-catchers - specificially, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube... is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist - you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Ok - class dismissed. [
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: Hey, Lupita, settle an argument for us, what do you call the thing between the dick and the asshole?
Lupita: The coffee table.
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: Hey, Pants.
Nancy Botwin: Please tell me I didn't just hear that you had cyber sex with a fifteen-year-old deaf girl.
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: Hey, what do you think is better "Jesus say relax" or "I'm to sexy for my Lord?"
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?
Doug Wilson: I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU.
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: I paid for a full ounce, they fucking cheated me!
Nancy Botwin: They fucking saved your ass from going to jail!
Ms. Greenstein - Attorney: Still that's very uncool. There used to be an unbroken spiritual bond between dealer and buyer. I feel your pain Andrew, and I return it with a renewed sense of outrage.
TV Show: Weeds
Andy Botwin: Man, how did you get so smart at what, sixteen? It took me years to learn slightly defective chicks are the way to go. I once went out with this girl with a baby arm, insane in the sack, plus when she grabbed my dick with her little hand it looked gigantic.
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: Did you try the Sag Aloo? It's to die for and then be reincarnated and then die for again.
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: How do you ask the woman that makes your kids' lunches to suck your balls and spread her ass open like a geometry compass? How, Andy?
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: It's a weed wonderland, Nancy. It's like Amsterdam only you don't have to visit the Anne Frank house and pretend to be all sad and shit.
TV Show: Weeds
Doug Wilson: Nance, trust me, a bakery is virtually impossible to run without drug money.
TV Show: Weeds
Tennis Pro: That's why I'll never marry.
Celia Hodes: No, you just fuck the married, and then I have to watch it on video.
TV Show: Weeds
The Candyman: Heylia's a lazy fat-fat and I'm hoping to put her in a diabetic coma, so I have no problem selling to her.
TV Show: Weeds
Heylia James: Serious shit calls for serious cash and your cash got a sense of humor.
TV Show: Weeds