Whose Line Is It Anyway? Quotes
Colin: Hi, we'll soon return you to the dislexic theater production of "Bitty, Bitty, Chang, Chang" in a just a second. [audience and Drew crack up, Drew can't stop himself from laughing] But first, have we got a special deal for you.
Ryan: My attorney got me a million dollars. [pause] No, he didn't. [pause] But you'll feel like a million dollars...[pause as the audience cracks up again]...when you buy our new 3 CD set, all about the attorney. 52 songs on 3 CDs.
Colin: Why, that divides evenly, doesn't it?
Ryan: It sure does!
Ryan: My attorney got me a million dollars. [pause] No, he didn't. [pause] But you'll feel like a million dollars...[pause as the audience cracks up again]...when you buy our new 3 CD set, all about the attorney. 52 songs on 3 CDs.
Colin: Why, that divides evenly, doesn't it?
Ryan: It sure does!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: Got a tape in the mail.
Colin: [groans] I thought we were out of the spy business...
Ryan: We're never out of the spy business, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
[Ryan plays the tape]
Greg: [as peppy marketer] How would YOU like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan flips the tape over]
Greg: Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin: Good morning.
Greg: How are you today?
Colin: Fine.
Greg: How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan: It's cleared up.
Greg: Well all right then...
Colin: Like what am I, nothing?
Greg: I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Ryan fast forwards]
Greg: Gentlemen, today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Emir of Groovefunkistan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it never mind, and clean a new burnoose for the Emir of Groovefunkistan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg: BOOM!
Ryan: Thank God we picked window!
Colin: Yes. Well, we've got a mission, let's get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan: I can't remember where the hotel is, you've got your Thomas Guide?
Colin: Yes. [opens guide]
Ryan: E5. It's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin: Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan: Wait a minute...we're at E4 already.
Colin: Quick, E5!
Ryan: We're here! I didn't realize w
Colin: [groans] I thought we were out of the spy business...
Ryan: We're never out of the spy business, Colin, not as long as tapes keep coming to the door.
[Ryan plays the tape]
Greg: [as peppy marketer] How would YOU like to make money in Real Estate?
[Ryan flips the tape over]
Greg: Good morning, gentlemen.
Colin: Good morning.
Greg: How are you today?
Colin: Fine.
Greg: How's your cold, Ryan?
Ryan: It's cleared up.
Greg: Well all right then...
Colin: Like what am I, nothing?
Greg: I'd love to chat but I'm busy being on the...
[Ryan fast forwards]
Greg: Gentlemen, today's mission is of the greatest importance. The Emir of Groovefunkistan, a small Middle Eastern Nation is coming to visit the President. He'll be arriving in Washington D.C., however, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, The George C. Clark hotel, you don't know it never mind, and clean a new burnoose for the Emir of Groovefunkistan. This tape will self destruct as soon as you throw it out the...
[Ryan throws it out the window]
Greg: BOOM!
Ryan: Thank God we picked window!
Colin: Yes. Well, we've got a mission, let's get to it.
[dramatic music]
Ryan: I can't remember where the hotel is, you've got your Thomas Guide?
Colin: Yes. [opens guide]
Ryan: E5. It's gonna be tough. Oh my God, my car's in the shop.
Colin: Well, luckily they've marked every street and town with big numbers and letters.
Ryan: Wait a minute...we're at E4 already.
Colin: Quick, E5!
Ryan: We're here! I didn't realize w
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: We don't have a flower!
Colin: I'll try my Origami!
Ryan: Origami? Is that some kind of fancy-(changes tone) It's beautiful!
Colin: I'll try my Origami!
Ryan: Origami? Is that some kind of fancy-(changes tone) It's beautiful!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: How do we cook this?
Colin: Wait! Your microwave butt!
Ryan: What?
Colin: Your microwave butt!
Ryan: Do me a favor.
Colin: What?
Ryan: Set it on 'light'.
Colin: Wait! Your microwave butt!
Ryan: What?
Colin: Your microwave butt!
Ryan: Do me a favor.
Colin: What?
Ryan: Set it on 'light'.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: (walks on) We got a mission.
Greg: Good morning gentlemen. How are you?
Colin: Fine.
Greg: Really?
Colin: Do we have a mission, or...?
Greg: I have a mission of the utmost importance. The king of Kerblang- the king of Kabloong...Hard-to-Pronounceia...is coming to Washington, where he wishes to play croquet with the Vice President. The lawn in front of the White House must be manicured down to a fine sheen. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to mow the lawn, using any technology you have available. If you or any of your team are caught or killed, the Secretary will say something awful about you at your funeral. This message will turn into a bird and fly away right NOW!
Ryan: We got a mission!
(shakes hands with Colin, Dramatic music starts)
Ryan: How far is it to the White House?
Colin: about...(pulls out map)... 786 miles!
Ryan: We don't have that kind of time!
Colin: Yeah, but if you go the other direction it's right next door!
Ryan: Right!
Greg: Good morning gentlemen. How are you?
Colin: Fine.
Greg: Really?
Colin: Do we have a mission, or...?
Greg: I have a mission of the utmost importance. The king of Kerblang- the king of Kabloong...Hard-to-Pronounceia...is coming to Washington, where he wishes to play croquet with the Vice President. The lawn in front of the White House must be manicured down to a fine sheen. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to mow the lawn, using any technology you have available. If you or any of your team are caught or killed, the Secretary will say something awful about you at your funeral. This message will turn into a bird and fly away right NOW!
Ryan: We got a mission!
(shakes hands with Colin, Dramatic music starts)
Ryan: How far is it to the White House?
Colin: about...(pulls out map)... 786 miles!
Ryan: We don't have that kind of time!
Colin: Yeah, but if you go the other direction it's right next door!
Ryan: Right!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: We're there! Wait, how do we get in?
Colin: Quick, hand me a chocolate bar!
Colin: Quick, hand me a chocolate bar!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: I once went out with a guy
Greg: I took him to the movies
Colin: Things got out of hand
Ryan: It really was quite groovies
Wayne: We went back to my place
Greg: And then it got intense
Colin: Boy we had a lot of fun
Ryan: I had to put up a fence!
Greg: I took him to the movies
Colin: Things got out of hand
Ryan: It really was quite groovies
Wayne: We went back to my place
Greg: And then it got intense
Colin: Boy we had a lot of fun
Ryan: I had to put up a fence!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Greg: I didn't have what I needed
Colin: Boy we had some fun
Ryan: Boy we did and we made a mistake
Wayne: I was the unlucky one
Greg: When I got home that night
Colin: My ovaries did swell
Ryan: I puffed up like Jiffy Pop
Wayne: I'm a dude! What the hell!?
Colin: Boy we had some fun
Ryan: Boy we did and we made a mistake
Wayne: I was the unlucky one
Greg: When I got home that night
Colin: My ovaries did swell
Ryan: I puffed up like Jiffy Pop
Wayne: I'm a dude! What the hell!?
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Colin: I started getting fatter
Ryan: I dilated there
Wayne: I had me baby
Greg: Right in me underwear
Colin: Boy it was painful
Ryan: The head started to crown
Wayne: He turned around and said "Dad!"
Greg: "I'm Colin Mochrie town!"
Ryan: I dilated there
Wayne: I had me baby
Greg: Right in me underwear
Colin: Boy it was painful
Ryan: The head started to crown
Wayne: He turned around and said "Dad!"
Greg: "I'm Colin Mochrie town!"
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: I slapped him on the butt there
Wayne: And then I slapped his head
Greg: And when I slapped his bottom
Colin: I slapped the doctor instead
Ryan: I called my boy Roy
Wayne: He looked good
Greg: And when I got him home that night
Colin: You can get poo from food!
Wayne: And then I slapped his head
Greg: And when I slapped his bottom
Colin: I slapped the doctor instead
Ryan: I called my boy Roy
Wayne: He looked good
Greg: And when I got him home that night
Colin: You can get poo from food!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Drew: Remembering who signs the checks around here, let's hear the Irish Drinking song about Drew Carey...
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: Oh if I were Drew
Chip: I'm handsome as a God
Colin: I would be so happy
Ryan: My face looks like cod.
Wayne: All the women love me.
Chip: And all the guys do too!
Colin: Everybody loves me!
Ryan: [laughs]
Chip: I'm handsome as a God
Colin: I would be so happy
Ryan: My face looks like cod.
Wayne: All the women love me.
Chip: And all the guys do too!
Colin: Everybody loves me!
Ryan: [laughs]
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Chip: I think I'll go get a show
Colin: I'm very successful y'know
Ryan: I'll take my glasses off right now
Wayne: And look at me, I go.
Chip: I'll get some laser surgery
Colin: I'll make everyone laugh.
Ryan: I'll run around with my clothes off.
Wayne: ... Hah hah hah hah hah hah!
Colin: I'm very successful y'know
Ryan: I'll take my glasses off right now
Wayne: And look at me, I go.
Chip: I'll get some laser surgery
Colin: I'll make everyone laugh.
Ryan: I'll run around with my clothes off.
Wayne: ... Hah hah hah hah hah hah!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Colin: I'm generous to a fault.
Ryan: Giving my money away
'Wayne: I throw it by the bucketful
Chip: [points] Hey, there's some right today!
Colin: I'll gear all my friends
Ryan: To live in my house.
Wayne: Hey come on, ah, you.
Chip: We're all hung like a mouse!
Ryan: Giving my money away
'Wayne: I throw it by the bucketful
Chip: [points] Hey, there's some right today!
Colin: I'll gear all my friends
Ryan: To live in my house.
Wayne: Hey come on, ah, you.
Chip: We're all hung like a mouse!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: I'll give them all a raise now.
Wayne: And then I'll hug 'em.
Chip: And then I'll say you're lovely
Colin: I'll never, never bug 'em.
Ryan: I'll give them all my cars.
Wayne: I'll let them sleep in my beds.
Chip: Cuz I'm the greatest boss there is!
Colin: I'll rub Colin's head!
Wayne: And then I'll hug 'em.
Chip: And then I'll say you're lovely
Colin: I'll never, never bug 'em.
Ryan: I'll give them all my cars.
Wayne: I'll let them sleep in my beds.
Chip: Cuz I'm the greatest boss there is!
Colin: I'll rub Colin's head!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: Today I'm breaking up with her
Chip: She's really got to go
Colin: I have a sense of dread
Ryan: I'm dating a guy named Joe
Wayne: Because Joe won't leave me
Chip: And that man won't shave
Colin: But today he's got to go
Ryan: He's the man I crave
Chip: She's really got to go
Colin: I have a sense of dread
Ryan: I'm dating a guy named Joe
Wayne: Because Joe won't leave me
Chip: And that man won't shave
Colin: But today he's got to go
Ryan: He's the man I crave
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Chip: I'll meet him in a diner
Colin: And give him one small drink
Ryan: I'll give him a diamond ring
Wayne: Leave, what do you think?
Chip: Well Joe won't be so sad then
Colin: I figure he'll take it well
Ryan: We'll run away together
Wayne: And then we'll dance so well
Colin: And give him one small drink
Ryan: I'll give him a diamond ring
Wayne: Leave, what do you think?
Chip: Well Joe won't be so sad then
Colin: I figure he'll take it well
Ryan: We'll run away together
Wayne: And then we'll dance so well
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Colin: I sat Joe right down
Ryan: He said "I do"
Wayne: I said "I can't love you"
Chip: (stutters) I'm leaving you
Colin: Please don't be angry
Ryan: And Joe started to cry
Wayne: He cried "Boo-hoo-hoo"
Chip: The tears were in his eye
Ryan: He said "I do"
Wayne: I said "I can't love you"
Chip: (stutters) I'm leaving you
Colin: Please don't be angry
Ryan: And Joe started to cry
Wayne: He cried "Boo-hoo-hoo"
Chip: The tears were in his eye
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: Oh now I'm alone
Wayne: And Joe is long gone
Chip: And so I read my diary
Colin: I'll just sing a song
Ryan: But that's the way I like it
Wayne: I like being alone
Chip: Oh sure sometime I missed him
Colin: Joe had a nice bone
Wayne: And Joe is long gone
Chip: And so I read my diary
Colin: I'll just sing a song
Ryan: But that's the way I like it
Wayne: I like being alone
Chip: Oh sure sometime I missed him
Colin: Joe had a nice bone
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: (After the music stopped) We're on TV!
Colin: Not what I meant to say!
Colin: Not what I meant to say!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: My date, she was in front of me
Chip: As pretty as could be
Colin: She was the love of my life
Ryan: My gas came out, WEE HEE!
Wayne: It started to rumble
Chip: It felt kind of neat
Colin: Boy, it was so horrible
Ryan: I dropped right off my feet
Chip: As pretty as could be
Colin: She was the love of my life
Ryan: My gas came out, WEE HEE!
Wayne: It started to rumble
Chip: It felt kind of neat
Colin: Boy, it was so horrible
Ryan: I dropped right off my feet
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Chip: She said, "What is the matter?
Colin: "Are you feeling fine?"
Ryan: I had to lie to her that day
Wayne: I have things up my behind
Chip: She picked me up so quickly
Colin: And took me out the door
Ryan: That was he big mistake
Wayne: I started walking sore
Colin: "Are you feeling fine?"
Ryan: I had to lie to her that day
Wayne: I have things up my behind
Chip: She picked me up so quickly
Colin: And took me out the door
Ryan: That was he big mistake
Wayne: I started walking sore
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Colin: She took me to the doctor
Ryan: She took me to the cops
Wayne: She took me to the judges
Chip: Oh, the gas! It wouldn't stop!
Colin: It just kept emitting
Ryan: The paper said it was so
Wayne: It became a nation-wide epidemic
Chip: The wind began to blow
Ryan: She took me to the cops
Wayne: She took me to the judges
Chip: Oh, the gas! It wouldn't stop!
Colin: It just kept emitting
Ryan: The paper said it was so
Wayne: It became a nation-wide epidemic
Chip: The wind began to blow
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: And now I'm world famous
Wayne: Everyone knows my name
Chip: They all say, "He's a comin'!"
Colin: My passing gas is my fame
Ryan: I'll move on in history
Wayne: What is a guy to do
Chip: When you are famous like me?
Colin: Oops! I pooed!
Wayne: Everyone knows my name
Chip: They all say, "He's a comin'!"
Colin: My passing gas is my fame
Ryan: I'll move on in history
Wayne: What is a guy to do
Chip: When you are famous like me?
Colin: Oops! I pooed!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: I had a lobotomy
Jeff: And now I'm not so nuts
Colin: They took away half my brain
Ryan: Now I eat cigarette butts
Wayne: I am not too bright
Jeff: Now I'm kind of sane
Colin: I am really stupid
Ryan: Hey, is that the rain?
Jeff: And now I'm not so nuts
Colin: They took away half my brain
Ryan: Now I eat cigarette butts
Wayne: I am not too bright
Jeff: Now I'm kind of sane
Colin: I am really stupid
Ryan: Hey, is that the rain?
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Jeff: I used to go down on the streets
Colin: I used to have a scar
Ryan: Now I ask for money
Wayne: And I chase cars. Woof-woof!
Jeff: When I come into your town
Colin: I like to shout a lot
Ryan: I run around and scream a lot
Wayne: Wow! This is hot!
Colin: I used to have a scar
Ryan: Now I ask for money
Wayne: And I chase cars. Woof-woof!
Jeff: When I come into your town
Colin: I like to shout a lot
Ryan: I run around and scream a lot
Wayne: Wow! This is hot!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Colin: Oh, I feel much better
Ryan: I think I'll go back home
Wayne: And then after I'm finished
Jeff: I'll marry a lawn gnome.
Colin: Boy, that'll be so beautiful
Ryan: As happy as can be
Wayne: Because I don't care too much, you see
Jeff: For my lobotomy
Ryan: I think I'll go back home
Wayne: And then after I'm finished
Jeff: I'll marry a lawn gnome.
Colin: Boy, that'll be so beautiful
Ryan: As happy as can be
Wayne: Because I don't care too much, you see
Jeff: For my lobotomy
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ryan: I really need a job now
Wayne: I look in the paper
Jeff: But I can never find nothing
Colin: I have a scraper
Ryan: But I'll keep on looking
Wayne: I'll look until I can see
Jeff: If you want someone who's nuts
Colin: Be a host on TV
Wayne: I look in the paper
Jeff: But I can never find nothing
Colin: I have a scraper
Ryan: But I'll keep on looking
Wayne: I'll look until I can see
Jeff: If you want someone who's nuts
Colin: Be a host on TV
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Wayne: One night I was gettin' freaky
Drew: [stammers] With my lr-girl Elaine
Colin: Boy, we had some fun
Ryan: And then, [babbles loudly]
Drew: [stammers] With my lr-girl Elaine
Colin: Boy, we had some fun
Ryan: And then, [babbles loudly]
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?