Whose Line Is It Anyway? Quotes

Drew: Questions on Jeopardy where the Whose Line cast members are the answers.
Wayne: I'll take reasons why the letter "h" will haunt me for the years to come [buzz] for 400.
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Drew: Things that should never be mentioned on a date
Colin: (with Kathy) I was once part of the letter "h"?
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Drew: Outtakes from the Whose Line soap opera.
Wayne: Kathy.
Kathy: Wayne.
Wayne: I think Colin thinks I'm cute.
Colin: (pretending to shave his head) Man, I should've read my contract.
Drew: [laughing, pretending to eat wildly] Oh, yeah! I sure read my contract! [continues "eating"] Munch, munch, munch!
Wayne: [puts Drew's glasses on] Drew Carey's my daddy.
Colin: (to Ryan) I can't keep this secret any longer. Do you know why they always pick me to be the woman? (pretends to open his shirt)
Ryan: [yells] Oh!
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Drew: If statues could speak.
Wayne: (looking up; in high voice) Uh-oh... No doo-doo, please.
Ryan: A little closer, little closer... I'm peeing on you. I'm peein' on ya.
Colin: Hey, come on, baby. Statues stay harder longer.
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Drew: Unusual things for the priest to say at your wedding.
Ryan: Hmpth. Way to go!
Kathy: That was an awesome confession yesterday!
Colin: [Unenthusiastic] That's just great! Everyone's getting married! Great, married!
Ryan: You may now kiss the cow-Bride! I mean Bride!
Wayne: You have a good man in your husband...I know.
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Drew: Inopportune times to use Baby Talk.
Wayne: [To Whoopi Goldberg Yeah, girl, you ready for the poonki-doonki-doonki? [Whoopi laughs]
Ryan: My fellow Americans, goochi-boo...
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Song: I Lost My Leg Warmers by Memorabilia
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: My - Own - Leg
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Is - Freezing - Cold
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: I - Have - No
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Leg - Warmers - To
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Hold... - They - Freeze
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Away - My - [thinks for a second] ... Hairs
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: From - My - Knee
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: And - I - Feel
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: The - Cold. - Hold
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Me. - Leg - Warmers
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: I - Miss - You.
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Where - Are - You?
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: I - Need - You.
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: To - Why - You
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Leave - Me? - You
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Leave - Me. - You
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Leave - [singing long note] Me... - You
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Leave - [still holding note] - You
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Must - Come - ... Today
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Right - Back - You
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Need - Me - To
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Hold - You [Colin and Wayne both look at him awkwardly, then continue] - I
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Can't - Live - Without
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: My - Leg - Warmers!
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: [yells] - Ow - That
All: Smarts...
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Song: You've Got Sole from the hit Broadway Musical My Favorite Shoe
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: You - Are - My
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Soul - Mate. - I
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Can't - Hardly - Believe
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: A sh... - [looks at Wayne briefly, then continues] ... ooh... - Gesundheit!
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Can - [laughing] Love - Me.
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: You - Are - My
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Soul - Mate - Baby
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Lace - Up - My
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Shoes - And take me on a -- oh, sorry. One word at a time. [laughs] - A trip so beautiful...
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: I love you - [laughing] So... - Can't
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: You - What? - Ha
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Ha - [laughs] - I
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Love - My - Girl
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: Because - She's - So
Wayne and Drew-Drew-Ryan: So Beauti - Like - ... Listen...
Wayne-Drew-Ryan: To - [laughing] Me
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Song: That Sinking Feeling from the hit broadway musical Quicksand
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Something's - Happening - To
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Me - Today. - I
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Feel - Like - Sinking
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Again - Away. - Why
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Can't - We - Just
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Be - Together? - Why
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Can't - We - Just
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Live? - Sinking - Slowly
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Into - A - Bog.
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: I - Knew - That
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Would - Be - So
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Wrong. - I - Am
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Floating - In - Muck
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: And - I - Just
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Got - A - Duck!
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Hey! - Come - Dumb
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Please - Come - Soon
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: I'm - Not - Treading
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Water - Too - Soon
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: My - Face - Is
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Going - [makes gurgling sound] - So
Wayne-Ryan-Colin: Please - [makes gurgling sound]
[all start to make gurgling sounds]
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Drew: Ai-di-dai-di-dai-di-dai! [pulls his hair back, imitating Colin]
Colin: Does this shirt make me look kind of boxy?
Ryan: Everyone in the world has launched their missiles, the world will be gone in about 30 minutes. Good news is I'm lowering taxes.
Drew: [imitating Mr. Rogers] We're having a crisis today, can you say crisis? [proceeds to take his jacket off]
Wayne: Have no fear. My army of Teletubbies will make sure everyone is airlifted to the nearest...
Drew: [imitating Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the day... La-la-la-la...
Colin: We are so screwed...
Ryan: Don't worry, everything is under control. [proceeds to draw cards] Okay, the king of swords. The king of swords means...
Drew: [imitating Scooby-Doo] Rowh-row, rombs coming.
Colin: We must unite as one. Kumbayah...
Ryan: Hey, I got some good news and I got some bad news. The bad news is, we all will be dead in 30 minutes. The good news is, Michael Bolton is going with us.
Drew: [Imitating Richard Simmons]Now before that bomb hits, you got two extra pounds to lose!
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Drew: [as Bill Clinton] I heard your confession and let me tell you, I don't think you had sex with that woman.
Ryan: Yes, I understand that you've slept with three women. [whispers to side] He slept with three women!
Greg: [saying ritual like speech while acting sprinkling powder, Looks puzzled ix-nay on the in-say!
Ryan: And that is how Adam and eve were crea-go! Go! [puts finger to ear] Go, go, go!
Drew: [as Jerry Lewis] Just give me the knife and the baby! I'll make a little cut right there and...
Ryan: Tonight, I will perform the sermon as John Wayne. [As John Wayne] In the BEGINNING...
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Ryan: I need to borrow a shovel, and if you hear anything tonight, ignore it!
Ryan: Just got a new stereo system. Hope you like Michael Bolton!
Drew: You know what I do for a living? I'm a Jackhammer tester.
Colin: Yeah, I like to sunbathe naked. Y'know it's uh...[looks down] 3 o' clock?
Ryan: I'm naked and I'm going to point out all the knots in your fence. [shifts from side to side]
Colin: [struggling to get on "fence"] We represent the lollipop guild...
Ryan: [jumping back and forth] Your yard, my yard. Your yard, my yard. Your yard...
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Colin: [holds a lime in each hand] I brought the limes.
Drew: [hands date criminal record] Hi. My parole officer told me to show you my criminal record before we are allowed to go out.
Greg: I know this is only our second date...I LOVE YOU!! BE WITH ME!!
Colin: [reads from a card] You look very beautiful.
Drew: [pulls out wallet and shows picture] Hey! Wanna see a picture of my penis?
Ryan: [does the same] Hey! Wanna see a picture of Drew Carey's penis?
Greg: Let's see you had the Big Mac, that's $2.
Drew: [has his arm around his date's shoulder] Hope you don't mind. I thought we'd just sit here and watch "Gepetto". [turns TV on]
Ryan: [with a hand puppet] We just wanna say we had a great time didn't we? [Puppet]: We sure did. We had a great time.
Greg: Thanks for inviting me up Melanie. I...[spots a Nintendo console] Nintendo?! [picks up console]
Drew: Sorry I'm late. Me and the wife just had a big fight.
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Greg: (takes off his glasses)(imitating Bill Clinton) Hi. I used to be President. Some of you might have trouble meeting the ladies.
Drew: (imitating Richard Simmons) I'm Richard Simmons and I'm gonna show you how to pick up girls! (Drew stumbles as he returns to the World's Worst Step!)
Colin: To clap, raise one hand (doing so), then the other (raises his other hand), keeping them an equal distance apart. Then force them together at a speed that makes this sound: (claps). Repeat. (Claps). Repeat. (Claps)
Greg: Hello, dudes and dudettes, and welcome to How To Deliver a Pizza.
Colin: Welcome to Dogs Have Prostates Too! (puts on some latex gloves)
Ryan: Take the magazine in your left hand. Lower your pants and sit. (Buzz!) Now read. (Buzz!) Once again... (Buzz!)
Greg: How would you like to become an exotic dancer? (Dances)
Colin: (Steps forward)(Buzz!)
Greg: (Sprawls out on the floor)(Slurring) Hello, and welcome to Drinking for Professionals!
Ryan: [In reference to Drew's stumble] Hi, I'm Drew Carey. Today, we're going to learn how to walk backwards. Look behind you. Look behind you while you're walking. While you're walking. There's a stair! Lift your foot onto the stair, pushing yourself onto the stair.
Drew: Hi, I'm Ryan Stiles, and welcome to my love-making secrets tape. (pretends to smoke a cigarette) This tape will end in 60 seconds! (Ryan: I wish!)
Colin: Oh those frustrating banana peels. How do you get them off the banana? Hold the banana firmly in one hand. (Buzz!) (Colin is back on straight away...) Oh those frustrating gerbil skins... (Buzz!)
Greg: I'm Bill from the NRA, and it's Gun Safety Week!
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Ryan: ...Well, you're nuts!
Drew: (mimes undressing himself) Yes, why don't you start with your childhood?
Greg: You're paranoid... No no, let me guess again, you're schizophren... No, no, that's isn't it. You're manic depre... No, no, no... (Buzz!)
Colin: ... (to the voices in his head) I was just gonna tell him... I know! I know!
Ryan: No, please continue. (opens and closes his hand like a mouth like he's mocking the patient)
Greg: Will you be happy? (shakes a Magic 8-Ball and sees the result) Yes, definitely!
Ryan: Ohh. Uh-huh, yeah. (switched TV channels)
Drew: (crouches as though he's on a toilet seat) Uh-huh, uh-huh. Hey, d'you have any paper?
Ryan: (wraps his arms as though he's in a strait jacket) Please sit down!
Colin: ...Penis envy? Look at this! (starts to unzip but he's buzzed in the nick of time!)
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Drew: Mimi! Shut up, you big fatso!
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Language: Canadian
Colin translates for Wayne
Ryan translates for Drew
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Wayne: Ehh. Hoohh. Great frosty ehhh. (takes a drink)
Colin: Boy this is good.
Drew: Ya, das de yoop eh yaa dehooh. (Wayne and Drew crack up while Colin looks around in disbelief)
Ryan: Do you giggle when you say Regina?
Wayne: Huh. Ehh. Hohh. Dasuh ehdedoh. Hi-de-di a-roo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-de-doooh.
Colin: Hey, doesn't that cloud look like a duckie?
Drew: Ya, da hoser in da icebox over da eh.
Ryan: We don't even have a football team but I bet we could beat Cleveland! (Drew gives Ryan the finger underneath his jacket)
Wayne: Ooh, ellas a griff! Ehh! (mimes being shot) Ohh! Oh, ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Ehh! Oh ehh! Ehh...
Colin: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh no! Oh I forgot they had guns!
Drew: Ya, da hoser and da en and ah, ah three minute penalty over da ehh.
Ryan: I'd better help you like all Canadians do by sucking that bullet out of your mouth! (Drew gets down to suck but Wayne jumps up!)
Wayne: Oooooh! Ah da oooh! Ah da oooh!
Colin: I'm fine, I'm fine! (Buzz!)
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Language: Spanish
Colin translates for Jeff
Ryan translates for Drew
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(translations only)
Jeff: Hey nice suit.
(rubs suit)
Drew: Thank you very much. Have you seen my ***?
Jeff: I have seen the donkey you speak of that wears funny pants.
(Drew talks then makes kissing noises)
Drew: This donkey is my only friend, he and I watch Baywatch together.
(Jeff yells)
Jeff: You mean the part where they run in slow motion!? I love that!
(Drew starts laughing in the middle of his line. He says, (I can't speak spanish))
Drew: I will sell you my-ha ha ha- I will sell you my -ho ho ho- I
Jeff: Excuse me?
Drew: I will sell you my, Oh, i'm not spanish at all.
(Jeff pulls off Drew's "mask". yells really long sentence.)
Jeff: Oh my God, a peruvian mime!
(Drew acts like a mime; pulls rope, and pushes against "wall")
Drew: I have an innie belly-button and I live in a small house.
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Drew: Thousand da- points to all of you.
Ryan: You said "dollars"!
Ryan/Wayne/Brad: (chanting) You said dollars! Dollars! Dollars! Dollars! (audience joins in the chant)
Drew: OK OK, soon you will receive... soon your business managers will receive a check from the Warner Bros. Corporation that has at least $1,000 in it.
Wayne: (pleasantly surprised) Oh!
Ryan: That's two shows!
Drew: Jeesh. Thousand POINTS.
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Drew: (to Wayne after a game of weird newscasters, while everyone is still applauding) Are you serious? Are you serious? (Wayne mouths something) No, I read your lips. Are you serious? Wayne just said to Brad, "I would've done it WITH you [mooning the audience], but I have a G-string on!"
Wayne: Yes, I... (audience at first laughs and cheers, but then shouts of disapproval are heard) Hey, it gives me support! What's up!
Ryan: It's not like it's a leopard G-string... (tentatively) i...is it?
Drew: I thought you were jokin' around.
Brad: It's a G-string! (does a badass gesture)
Wayne: Right. When I'm hangin' with my homies. Wait... (pulls up the G-string from his pants)
Drew: Holy crap, he IS wearing a G-string!
Wayne: (to cheering audience) You like that? Huh?
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Drew: That was the... "South American" version of the Jerry Springer Show.
Wayne: (confused) Yeah.
Drew: I kept on waitin' for the "South American" to pop in there.
Wayne: ...Is that what it said?
Drew: Yeah.
Wayne: No it didn't!
Drew: Oh, on mine it did.
Wayne: Well, now that the game's over... (takes out envelope) "It's the "I've Got a Secret version of the"... aw, crap. (audience laughs and cheers)
Drew: Whatever.
Ryan: SOMEONE'S thong is too tight.
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Drew: I'm gonna give 1,000 points to Ryan Stiles, who can be seen every Wednesday at 9/8 central on the Drew Carey Show, right here on ABC.
Ryan: Shameless.
Drew: Hey, if I'm gonna give points, might as well make it worth my while.
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Drew: That was...
Wayne: That was pretty nasty.
Ryan: Yeah, didn't catch onto my "need look no more" clue.
Colin: (sarcastically) Isn't that weird!
Drew: That would've been a dead give-away.
Ryan/Colin: (singing) We both found what we were looking for!
Drew: Oh, "Ben". The theme from "Ben".
Ryan: Little obscure. I didn't just want to go, "Hey, look out for the rats!"
Drew: "Willard" was the first one. "Ben" was acutally the sequel.
Colin: That's right.
Ryan: Remember the last name? Wagner [Smirks tauntingly to Drew]
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Drew: Hey Colin, what was your nickname at the top of that?
Colin: Noah She'shavingmybaby.
Ryan: (explaning) Know her? She's having my...
Drew: Oh, KNOW HER-
Colin: (interrupting) NOAH, NOAH, she's having my baby.
Drew: Oh. I didn't get it at first.
Colin: (referring to the audience) You weren't alone. (audience laughs)
Drew: I hated to ask, but we were all wondering.
Colin: You know, my stuff, a lot of it's cerebral.
Drew: Yeah, the kind of cerebral you pour milk on. (audience barely laughs) Oh, better than "Noah She'shavingmybaby"!
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I was feeling frisky, I went for a drive
I took all my handguns and shot myself alive, I... (cracks up and falls on the floor)
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I went to an awful restaurant that have to use these towels
And all the food was awful taste like something from your bowels
I have to leave right away as if it really matter
What was I thinking that I order the poo-poo-plater
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I love public restrooms, I love the way they smell
I like to take a breath, and just say "you're well"
I like to stay here all day, no matter what it takes
When I leave, I always try those tasty urinal cakes
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I went to machine to get some money
And then I noticed there...was something funny
As I came closer and my heart, boy, sure sank
It was an ATM machine for a sperm bank
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