Whose Line Is It Anyway? Quotes
Niall Ashdown:
It was him!
You are the luckiest man alive, (Greg: Don't I know?)
Now that you've gone to bed with Clive. (Greg: Whoa ho.)
Do not worry that it was ineffectual,
And the fact that Clive's heterosexual,
Doesn't matter about the failing of your plan, (Greg: My plan!)
When you look like you, you've got to get it where you can!
It was him!
You are the luckiest man alive, (Greg: Don't I know?)
Now that you've gone to bed with Clive. (Greg: Whoa ho.)
Do not worry that it was ineffectual,
And the fact that Clive's heterosexual,
Doesn't matter about the failing of your plan, (Greg: My plan!)
When you look like you, you've got to get it where you can!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Mike: [holding a slimy-looking blue blob] If you loved me, you'd swallow it.
Sandi: I love you, I swallowed it, here's the result.
Sandi: I love you, I swallowed it, here's the result.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Mike: (holding a tombstone-shaped piece of foam) Ebenezer Scrooge! Look upon this tombstone! Whose name does it say?
Denalda: Yours!
Denalda: Yours!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Stephen: (dances with hairy object) I know darling, but over there is a man with no hair at all
Colin (uses same object) Oh, sorry, one of your eyebrows fell off.
Colin (uses same object) Oh, sorry, one of your eyebrows fell off.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Steve: (holding ball attached to string on forehead) Hello, I'm an extra on Doctor Who
Mike: (does the same) Hello, I'm an extra on Eldorado, they're desperate.
Mike: (does the same) Hello, I'm an extra on Eldorado, they're desperate.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Mike: (holding long pole near crotch area) Hello, and welcome to Clive's dream.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Tony: So is it true you, er, you, er, sort of went to bed with each Dwarf in turn? Or is that just light gossip?
Sandi: Well I think it's fair to say I've loved each Dwarf individually, in their own special little way.
Tony: Are they very little in every way?
Sandi: Well, certainly Grumpy not very big, and I think that's what makes him quite so grumpy. but Happy has got a real way with him.
Tony: But that's just coke, presumably.
Sandi: Well yes, sometimes we have Coca-Cola and then sometimes we have crisps, and that's a really jolly time!
Tony: I bet you have 7-Up as well! I mean it's hearsay, I mean, do tell me what happened in the Château Marchmand, I mean, you know?
Sandi: Well we went in first, we played with the little animals, and we laid out our picnic, and then we shagged senselessly!
Clive: Last question, Tony.
Tony: Oh, and finally, I just wanted to know what precisely is, 'cos there've been rumours. (sniff) your relationship (pretends to snort a line) with the, er, with the Wicked Witch?
Sandi: Well, it's not been carnal, but we do like to do it looking in the mirror!
Sandi: Well I think it's fair to say I've loved each Dwarf individually, in their own special little way.
Tony: Are they very little in every way?
Sandi: Well, certainly Grumpy not very big, and I think that's what makes him quite so grumpy. but Happy has got a real way with him.
Tony: But that's just coke, presumably.
Sandi: Well yes, sometimes we have Coca-Cola and then sometimes we have crisps, and that's a really jolly time!
Tony: I bet you have 7-Up as well! I mean it's hearsay, I mean, do tell me what happened in the Château Marchmand, I mean, you know?
Sandi: Well we went in first, we played with the little animals, and we laid out our picnic, and then we shagged senselessly!
Clive: Last question, Tony.
Tony: Oh, and finally, I just wanted to know what precisely is, 'cos there've been rumours. (sniff) your relationship (pretends to snort a line) with the, er, with the Wicked Witch?
Sandi: Well, it's not been carnal, but we do like to do it looking in the mirror!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
On my own in my home,
Nowhere to roam.
Just me and my telephone.
What am I gonna do?
When will Harry come and see me and marry me?
Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me sing, Harry?
I just want you to ring, Harry!
Oh my telephone's lonely,
No-one will phone me,
Oh Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me? I'm a believer.
So just pick up your receiver.
Nowhere to roam.
Just me and my telephone.
What am I gonna do?
When will Harry come and see me and marry me?
Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me sing, Harry?
I just want you to ring, Harry!
Oh my telephone's lonely,
No-one will phone me,
Oh Harry, marry me!
Can you hear me? I'm a believer.
So just pick up your receiver.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Richard starts playing a reggae tune on the piano)
Is that reggae? Oh, he has it!
With-a-beep-beep-beep,
And-a-bop-bop-bop,
I'm-a-gonna-knock-on-a-telephone-in-a-morning-with-you-baby.
With-a-beep-beep-beep,
I'm-a-gonna-knock-I'm-gonna-go-on-the-telephone-but-not-bloody-British-Telecom-in-the-morning-ma-ma-ma.
Gonna dial-dial-dial-dial,
Make you smile-smile-smile,
In-the-morning-mama-dida-baby-bobba-dial-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine,
On-the-speaking-clock.
Don't-wanna-hear-you-talk,
Yeah-on-the-block.
I-got-you-gonna-beep-bop-ba-da-da-ding-dong-dong.
Round-the-clock-doesn't-have-to-write-any-lyrics-'cause-he-goes-up-and-down-and-all-over-the-place,
It-doesn't-matter-anyway, who-gives-a-toss?
Is that reggae? Oh, he has it!
With-a-beep-beep-beep,
And-a-bop-bop-bop,
I'm-a-gonna-knock-on-a-telephone-in-a-morning-with-you-baby.
With-a-beep-beep-beep,
I'm-a-gonna-knock-I'm-gonna-go-on-the-telephone-but-not-bloody-British-Telecom-in-the-morning-ma-ma-ma.
Gonna dial-dial-dial-dial,
Make you smile-smile-smile,
In-the-morning-mama-dida-baby-bobba-dial-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine-nine,
On-the-speaking-clock.
Don't-wanna-hear-you-talk,
Yeah-on-the-block.
I-got-you-gonna-beep-bop-ba-da-da-ding-dong-dong.
Round-the-clock-doesn't-have-to-write-any-lyrics-'cause-he-goes-up-and-down-and-all-over-the-place,
It-doesn't-matter-anyway, who-gives-a-toss?
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Richard plays a heavy metal tune on electric guitar. Josie struts around the stage, suggestively sucking the microphone)
Baby, baby, I love you,
Can you hear me sob?
Come and treat me like a television,
Come and twist my knob!
Oh-woah! Aw-ful!
Baby, baby, wanna be your maam,
I think you'll find I'm your favourite programme!
Come on baby, see the screen,
On the telly you can HEAR ME SCREAM!
Baby, baby, I love you,
Can you hear me sob?
Come and treat me like a television,
Come and twist my knob!
Oh-woah! Aw-ful!
Baby, baby, wanna be your maam,
I think you'll find I'm your favourite programme!
Come on baby, see the screen,
On the telly you can HEAR ME SCREAM!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Richard motions to John there will be no musical accompaniment)
A morning came up, it came round and down,
And the Derry folk outside Derby they came down to the town.
They found an old person with a great big fat sweater,
It was getting much larger, getting better and better,
As he put on his television set.
And danced round the television set,
He danced round the television set,
He drank real ale and a ridiculously long pipe was hanging from his mouth.
His girlfriend her name was Betty,
She changed it into Dandelion Stalk, 'cause she was a wanker like him.
And together they would dance,
Together round the town, living in a time before the Goons were around,
But sometime after the First World War, when the hell was it?
With a sweater going up, and down,
They would turn on the television set, but then switch it off,
Because they were funny old wankers from past,
And round they would go,
And round they would go,
Drinking real ale and living in an England
That never really existed.
A morning came up, it came round and down,
And the Derry folk outside Derby they came down to the town.
They found an old person with a great big fat sweater,
It was getting much larger, getting better and better,
As he put on his television set.
And danced round the television set,
He danced round the television set,
He drank real ale and a ridiculously long pipe was hanging from his mouth.
His girlfriend her name was Betty,
She changed it into Dandelion Stalk, 'cause she was a wanker like him.
And together they would dance,
Together round the town, living in a time before the Goons were around,
But sometime after the First World War, when the hell was it?
With a sweater going up, and down,
They would turn on the television set, but then switch it off,
Because they were funny old wankers from past,
And round they would go,
And round they would go,
Drinking real ale and living in an England
That never really existed.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Your love really turns me on,
Oh I like it when you twist my dial.
I really love your style.
Oh, I want all your love,
All the love I can get,
Your love for me is like a television set. (Richard stops playing)
And it goes la la la...
I hadn't finished!
Oh I like it when you twist my dial.
I really love your style.
Oh, I want all your love,
All the love I can get,
Your love for me is like a television set. (Richard stops playing)
And it goes la la la...
I hadn't finished!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
I've got a garden, in my backyard,
All the dirt is packed, Lord it's mighty hard.
But I get out there, with a big old hose,
And I lay down the liquid, and Lord goodness knows,
The ground it gets wet, and it starts to shake,
And then the loose seeds and flowers they start to make.
I can't get enough of pottering round the yard,
You know I feel so damn good, it gets me hard.
You know my garden is a way to be,
Just turn on the pipe, grab the hose and shake it out 1-2-3,
If you want to get in there, and work me, goodness knows,
Well baby come on over, and remember to bring your hose.
All the dirt is packed, Lord it's mighty hard.
But I get out there, with a big old hose,
And I lay down the liquid, and Lord goodness knows,
The ground it gets wet, and it starts to shake,
And then the loose seeds and flowers they start to make.
I can't get enough of pottering round the yard,
You know I feel so damn good, it gets me hard.
You know my garden is a way to be,
Just turn on the pipe, grab the hose and shake it out 1-2-3,
If you want to get in there, and work me, goodness knows,
Well baby come on over, and remember to bring your hose.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
I have walked around these streets, for many years,
Now you see me, I am alone, crying tears, lots of tears.
Oh, my life has been hard, one followed by another swipe,
My tears are falling, my eyes are like a hosepipe.
Pouring out, see them spout,
Why am I always so sad?
Oh I have no regrets,
But my face is always wet.
Oh why did you go away,
José?
Now you see me, I am alone, crying tears, lots of tears.
Oh, my life has been hard, one followed by another swipe,
My tears are falling, my eyes are like a hosepipe.
Pouring out, see them spout,
Why am I always so sad?
Oh I have no regrets,
But my face is always wet.
Oh why did you go away,
José?
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Richard plays a reggae tune on an electric guitar)
Don't do it baby, don't do that,
Don't put me on the ironing board and leave me flat,
Don't do it, baby.
I bought the ironing board just the other day.
I was quite overawed with the price I had to pay.
For the ironing board,
Oh-oh, for the ironing board.
I tried to unfold it but it wouldn't move,
I was checkin' it out, I was gettin' in the groove,
I tried the ironing board this, and then the other way,
But the ironing board it would not budge and this is what I say
That it was jammin'!
The ironing board was jammin'!
Don't do it baby, don't do that,
Don't put me on the ironing board and leave me flat,
Don't do it, baby.
I bought the ironing board just the other day.
I was quite overawed with the price I had to pay.
For the ironing board,
Oh-oh, for the ironing board.
I tried to unfold it but it wouldn't move,
I was checkin' it out, I was gettin' in the groove,
I tried the ironing board this, and then the other way,
But the ironing board it would not budge and this is what I say
That it was jammin'!
The ironing board was jammin'!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Richard plays a downbeat tune on an acoustic guitar)
I woke up one morning, with an ironing board on my head,
My wife didn't understand or realise
That she was meant to iron my shirts and my Y-fronts instead!
I'm tedious, I'm boring, my voice drives you up the wall!
But let's face it, let's face it - I'm from Montréal!
I woke up one morning, with an ironing board on my head,
My wife didn't understand or realise
That she was meant to iron my shirts and my Y-fronts instead!
I'm tedious, I'm boring, my voice drives you up the wall!
But let's face it, let's face it - I'm from Montréal!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Hey-up, ah-hey yup!
Got a Cuisinart, it's ready to grate
And I make the food, it tastes really great
I chop and I blend, I whip and I purée
Yeah, you go with the puree all day
I can't get enough of the big Cuisinart
I love whippin' up with the big Cuisinart
Go, go! (makes whirring noises)
Go, go! (makes grating noises)
Go, go! (makes whirring noises)
Go, go! (makes chopping noises)
Peeling or grate, don't be late,
Baby I got a Cuisinart goin' on a date!
Got a Cuisinart, it's ready to grate
And I make the food, it tastes really great
I chop and I blend, I whip and I purée
Yeah, you go with the puree all day
I can't get enough of the big Cuisinart
I love whippin' up with the big Cuisinart
Go, go! (makes whirring noises)
Go, go! (makes grating noises)
Go, go! (makes whirring noises)
Go, go! (makes chopping noises)
Peeling or grate, don't be late,
Baby I got a Cuisinart goin' on a date!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
This is a little song we sing in my willage...
¡Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai! (Clap, clap, clap...)
There was a man, he was my favourite confessor,
He came to me with a gift, he gave me a food processor.
¡Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (Clap, clap, clap...)
I looked into his eyes...
...and I was liquidised.
¡He treated me like food!
¡He chewed me up!
¡And spat me...
Ouuut!
¡Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai, Hai! (Clap, clap, clap...)
There was a man, he was my favourite confessor,
He came to me with a gift, he gave me a food processor.
¡Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! (Clap, clap, clap...)
I looked into his eyes...
...and I was liquidised.
¡He treated me like food!
¡He chewed me up!
¡And spat me...
Ouuut!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Everybody, I'd just like to testify a moment, about a little appliance that means so much to me!
Hey-yeah!
Every morning, breakfast just seems the same
I have some juice and it tastes really lame
But God be praised, God high on the most
I finally found something to whip up my batch of toast!
This slender machine, in the corner of my kitchen I park
And praise be Jesus the bread goes in light, and comes out dark!
Hey-yeah!
Every morning, breakfast just seems the same
I have some juice and it tastes really lame
But God be praised, God high on the most
I finally found something to whip up my batch of toast!
This slender machine, in the corner of my kitchen I park
And praise be Jesus the bread goes in light, and comes out dark!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Ooh-ooh yeah!
(deeper voice) Whoa-whoa yeah!
(normal voice) I must be the saddest toaster in the firmament
Cos' I've been suffering from a burnt out element!
So I cry, cry, cry
I ask why? Why? Why?
No more can I make the bread flip
'Cos they threw me on the toaster tip!
Oh I'm an old toaster, going down on a roller-coaster
Nobody loves me and I'm feeling down, because I can't make the bread go brown!
Oh please I say, don't just toss me away
Baby baby I love you so, please don't let your old toaster go
Don't throw me away! Don't throw me away!
I'm not an animal! Don't chip my ena-ma-mel!
Yeah!
(deeper voice) Whoa-whoa yeah!
(normal voice) I must be the saddest toaster in the firmament
Cos' I've been suffering from a burnt out element!
So I cry, cry, cry
I ask why? Why? Why?
No more can I make the bread flip
'Cos they threw me on the toaster tip!
Oh I'm an old toaster, going down on a roller-coaster
Nobody loves me and I'm feeling down, because I can't make the bread go brown!
Oh please I say, don't just toss me away
Baby baby I love you so, please don't let your old toaster go
Don't throw me away! Don't throw me away!
I'm not an animal! Don't chip my ena-ma-mel!
Yeah!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Richard plays an Irish jig tune on a tin whistle, Josie dances an Irish jig throughout)
Come listen to my story, I'll tell it now to you,
It goes like this and I'll sing it right through,
It is about a woman, and nothing could placate her,
Unless she was a-sittin' upon a stapler!
And a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-no
And a niggidy-niggidy-ay,
With a staple here and a staple there
And a staplin' all the wayy!
Come listen to my story, I'll tell it now to you,
It goes like this and I'll sing it right through,
It is about a woman, and nothing could placate her,
Unless she was a-sittin' upon a stapler!
And a hey-nonny-no and a hey-nonny-no
And a niggidy-niggidy-ay,
With a staple here and a staple there
And a staplin' all the wayy!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Oh, baby, I work in the office all day,
I see you sittin' there, workin' so hard for for so little pay
I just wanna give you somethin' to prove how much my love means to you
It's a stapler, from me to you, whoa!
Let me hold all the documents in your hand you work with all the time,
Let me give it a squeeze, a clinch, a clamp! Oh, makes me feel fine!
When I'm done with this stapler, you might think I'm a groover,
But wait 'til you see my staple remover!
I see you sittin' there, workin' so hard for for so little pay
I just wanna give you somethin' to prove how much my love means to you
It's a stapler, from me to you, whoa!
Let me hold all the documents in your hand you work with all the time,
Let me give it a squeeze, a clinch, a clamp! Oh, makes me feel fine!
When I'm done with this stapler, you might think I'm a groover,
But wait 'til you see my staple remover!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
You - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Think you are good with tools
I've got the jewels for tools
With this hammer ... named Irving
I will carve out a living
And make a house for the gods!
I will carve out of stone
A roof so tall
I will carve out of stone
A god's shopping mall
And after I am done
I'll carve out a career
Since I have none, singing this sooong!
I've gone on too looong!
Now I'll kill myself with a hammer!
Think you are good with tools
I've got the jewels for tools
With this hammer ... named Irving
I will carve out a living
And make a house for the gods!
I will carve out of stone
A roof so tall
I will carve out of stone
A god's shopping mall
And after I am done
I'll carve out a career
Since I have none, singing this sooong!
I've gone on too looong!
Now I'll kill myself with a hammer!
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
(Clicks his fingers)
It only takes a couple of seconds for you to get me steamed up
It doesn't take very long at all you know
You go away a little while, come back and take a look
A little bell will tell you so
They say that you're too modern for me babe
But I don't feel, I don't feel it's so necessarily so
I won't wear any metal, no not a thing
My how you make, my how you make my coils glow!
Make my coils glow-w *Ping!*
It only takes a couple of seconds for you to get me steamed up
It doesn't take very long at all you know
You go away a little while, come back and take a look
A little bell will tell you so
They say that you're too modern for me babe
But I don't feel, I don't feel it's so necessarily so
I won't wear any metal, no not a thing
My how you make, my how you make my coils glow!
Make my coils glow-w *Ping!*
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
I've been spinning round with you for quite some time, my dear!
I've been going round with you for quite some time, my dear!
When we'll be, the time when we are through
You and I my dearest carousel!
We're travelling on the carousel!
And as we fly we'll cook on through!
From centre-out that's how they do!
That's microwaving you and me shall do
My darling microchef!
My darling microche-eef!
My darling miiiii-croooooooo-chef.
I've been going round with you for quite some time, my dear!
When we'll be, the time when we are through
You and I my dearest carousel!
We're travelling on the carousel!
And as we fly we'll cook on through!
From centre-out that's how they do!
That's microwaving you and me shall do
My darling microchef!
My darling microche-eef!
My darling miiiii-croooooooo-chef.
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Tony: Let the old man who never does, yes.
Greg: Cheese is found where you least suspect it.
Ryan: My groin is sore!
Tony: Always let the wardrobe misstress choose your clothes! (Tony, Greg, Ryan and Chip face the camera)
Greg: Cheese is found where you least suspect it.
Ryan: My groin is sore!
Tony: Always let the wardrobe misstress choose your clothes! (Tony, Greg, Ryan and Chip face the camera)
TV Show: Whose Line Is It Anyway?