Henny Youngman Quotes
Henny Youngman Quotes. Below is a collection of famous Henny Youngman quotes. Here you can find the most popular and greatest quotes by Henny Youngman. Share these quotations with your friends and family.
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, 'What do you want?' 'A match' 'Why didn't you ask me?' 'I don't talk to strangers.'
By Henny Youngman
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
By Henny Youngman
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
By Henny Youngman
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, 'Why didn't you walk down?' He said, 'because I was going up!'
By Henny Youngman
In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, 'We want Youngman! We want Youngman!' The coach says, 'Youngman - go see what they want!'
By Henny Youngman
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
By Henny Youngman
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
By Henny Youngman
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says 'Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!'
By Henny Youngman
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
By Henny Youngman
My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!
By Henny Youngman
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
By Henny Youngman
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
By Henny Youngman
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
By Henny Youngman
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, 'Where are you going?' My wife said, 'I must be late, everyone is all coming back!'
By Henny Youngman
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!
By Henny Youngman