Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

By Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

By Jerry Seinfeld

I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication... Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going, Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting...Which is more important, the present or the future?

By Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end . . .

By Jerry Seinfeld

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash!

By Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as 'fun for the whole family.'

By Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

By Jerry Seinfeld

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

By Jerry Seinfeld

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

By Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

By Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from women and their underwear: support, comfort, and freedom.

By Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from women that they want from their underwear... a little support, comfort, and freedom.

By Jerry Seinfeld

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

By Jerry Seinfeld

It really was written and geared for a very specific audience, but our comedic strength trumps all of that. The subject matter, the dialogue, the tone isn't right for most of America.

By Jerry Seinfeld

I think that people who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

By Jerry Seinfeld

I had 10,000 things that I like doing on the show itself, and certainly among them was telling George he had a problem, especially one he wasn't aware of.

By Jerry Seinfeld

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating ME!

By Jerry Seinfeld

But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.

By Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

By Jerry Seinfeld