30 Rock Quotes
Jack: Lemon, this is a part of our problem. I give you a simple managerial suggestion in a professional context and I get back the second half of a Judy Blume novel.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Dr. Spaceman: Tracy, I don’t know how to say this… de-ay-bah-tees?
Tracy: Diabetes?
Dr. Spaceman: That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.
Tracy: Diabetes?
Dr. Spaceman: That's it! Well, now we know what we're dealing with.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Liz: That's what I could do to Drew.
Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.
Liz: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!
Jenna: Drug him? Liz, no. Having been on both sides of that, I could tell you it's not a good idea.
Liz: No, I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jack: Look, you should know that I'm doing this for a woman. [shows Hector a picture of Elisa] This woman.
Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.
Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.
Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.
Jack: But that's impossible.
Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.
Jack: You really think you can pull that off?
Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.
Jack: Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.
Hector Moreda: Wow. I am super-gay and I would totally switch for her.
Jack: She's amazing, but her grandmother hates me because she hates the Generalissimo, so he's gotta go.
Hector Moreda: [chuckles] El Generalissimo doesn't have to die to clear the way to the abuela. Not if the abuela comes to love him.
Jack: But that's impossible.
Hector Moreda: Seduction is never impossible for El Generalissimo. I will become everything that old Hispanic women desire. I will make her love me.
Jack: You really think you can pull that off?
Hector Moreda: It will be the performance of a lifetime, like Julie Harris in the The Belle of Amherst.
Jack: Wow. You are... surprisingly gay.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Elisa: You over-analyze everything with your big head!
Jack: Well you have big boobs.
Elisa: Which you'll NEVER touch again!!
Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.
Jack: Well you have big boobs.
Elisa: Which you'll NEVER touch again!!
Jack: This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Priest: Don't you have faith?
Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.[jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.
Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?
Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?
Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...
Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.[jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
Jack: I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.
Priest: Then... what brought you here tonight?
Jack: What brought me here tonight? What brings anyone anywhere? Why do men build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever made love to a woman, Father?
Priest: [weakly] Come on, man...
TV Show: 30 Rock
Elisa: How dare you say such things so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, patron saint of judgmental statues!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Tracy: What everyone needs to do is calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Liz: You ready for Larry King Live tonight?
Tracy: You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.
Tracy: You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank: My client has no memory of that.
Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
Frank: My client has no memory of that.
Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jack: Lemon - there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape, or sasquatch, and, despite its dangerous message of environmentalism, became his friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on its shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strength and by God he did it! Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do. For the woodland ape. You think about that.
Liz: What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
Jack: You've seen it?
Liz: This is my life, Jack!
Liz: What?! ...Is that Harry and the Hendersons?
Jack: You've seen it?
Liz: This is my life, Jack!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jack: I've spent the better part of the last 3 years developing a portable, miniature microwave oven. Most of that time has been spent coming up with a hip, edgy name for the product, something that will appeal to the marketing Holy Trinity - college students, the morbidly obese, and homosexuals.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jack: Alright everyone, it's back to the drawing board. Legal rejected all of our ideas - every one of the names we came up with was offensive in some language, including English, Frank.
Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?
Frank: They knew what a Hot Richard was?
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jack: The bubble isn't always a bad thing. Look at me. I turned out okay.
Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.
Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.
Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!
Jack: I know.
Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?
Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.
Liz: Can I keep that?
Jack: No. It's my only copy.
Liz: Jack, I want you to pay close attention to the following over-the-top eye roll. [rolls eyes] Oh, brother.
Jack: Lemon, I don't share this often, but this is a photo of me when I was 25 years old.
Liz: What the what?! You have a Superman chest!
Jack: I know.
Liz: Oh my God, the lady will have two tickets to the gun show! Your eyes are so much bluer... what happened to your eyes?
Jack: My point is, Lemon, the bubble doesn't last forever, so get in there with Drew and enjoy those perks while you can.
Liz: Can I keep that?
Jack: No. It's my only copy.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Dennis: [Liz answers her door] Hello, dummy.
Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.
Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.
Liz: No, you're not.
Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.
Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.
Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?
Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!
Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...
Liz: You're done.
Liz: No! Nope, not interested. Have a good life.
Dennis: This is important, it's about my mom. [Liz reluctantly lets him in] That was a lie, but listen, Elizabeth. I recently discovered that I'm a sex addict.
Liz: No, you're not.
Dennis: Yeah I am, and I'd be an even worse sex addict if I wasn't consumed by my latest business venture.
Liz: I don't want to hear about your job, Dennis.
Dennis: One word: coffee. One problem: where do you get it?
Liz: Anywhere! You get it anywhere!
Dennis: Wrong! You get it at my coffee vending machine. 38th & 6th in the basement of the K-Mart. You just go downstairs, you get the key from David and BOOM! You plug in the machine and...
Liz: You're done.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Tracy: What is this, Horseville? Because I'm surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!
Liz: That is solid.
Liz: That is solid.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Jenna: [rapping] My name is Suri Cruise.
Put your hands in the air!
I came out of the womb
With a full head of hair!
Put your hands in the air!
I came out of the womb
With a full head of hair!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Kenneth: Mr. Donaghy, I know you said only interrupt you if was very important, but Tishonda from Time Warner Cable is on the phone, and she's offering three free months of Showtime, but we have to act now!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Tracy: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Liz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.
Jack: I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.
Elisa: [sneaks in] I'm sure it was!
Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!
Jack: I heard you singing "Night Cheese". Lemon, I've had a crazy night. We all could learn a lot from Tracy Jordan. We went out clubbing; his life is like Enron 1999. It's wild.
Elisa: [sneaks in] I'm sure it was!
Liz: How are you so quiet when your parades are so loud?!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Elisa: I have a terrible secret. Please don't ask me what it is.
Liz: I don't want to know what it is! [Pause] Are you a man?
Elisa: Really, Lemon? You want to see me naked?
Liz: Kind of.
Liz: I don't want to know what it is! [Pause] Are you a man?
Elisa: Really, Lemon? You want to see me naked?
Liz: Kind of.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Frank: We figured Lutz is never going to get married, but he wants a bachelor party, so we're taking him to a strip club. You wanna come?
Tracy: Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you?
Liz: Sure, I'll go.
Tracy: All right!
Liz: But you won't.
Tracy: [gasp] Twist!
Tracy: Come on, Liz Lemon, you don't want to be treated any differently, do you?
Liz: Sure, I'll go.
Tracy: All right!
Liz: But you won't.
Tracy: [gasp] Twist!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Kenneth: [about his pig] She went crazy! She bit off my nutsack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed the squirrels.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Liz: If I have learned anything from my Sims family: When a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
TV Show: 30 Rock
Liz: Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is sixty.
Pete: No, that's ridiculous.
Liz: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead—
Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV—
Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
Liz: He might be seventy!
Pete: No, that's ridiculous.
Liz: Think about it: he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead—
Pete: He falls asleep in chairs, he doesn't know how to use a computer, he's always mad at the TV—
Toofer: His favorite show is NCIS.
Liz: He might be seventy!
TV Show: 30 Rock
Liz: Where are you gonna get a kidney from?
Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.
Jack: I don't know, but I have the entire liberal media establishment at my disposal. The same manipulation machine that got people to vote for Barack Obama, and donate all that money after Rainstorm Katrina. I'm going to use that to find my Dad a kidney.
TV Show: 30 Rock