American Dad! Quotes
Stan: [to the tune of Drunken Sailor]What do you do when your mom's unhappy?
Jerry left her feeling crappy,
Sing her a shanty nice and snappy,
Wash her in the bathtub.
Jerry left her feeling crappy,
Sing her a shanty nice and snappy,
Wash her in the bathtub.
TV Show: American Dad!
Wash, wash, wash your V-J,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.
Scrub, scrub, scrub your V-J,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your V-J,
Next, we'll do your tushie.
Wash, wash, wash, your tushie,
Scrub, scrub, scrub your tushie,
Rinse, rinse, rinse your tushie,
We just did your tushie.
TV Show: American Dad!
Betty: I don't understand. We had such a good time on our first two dates. Then we were at the movies. He went to get popcorn and never came back. I had to watch the whole thing by myself. Adam Sandler had a remote control, I didn't know what was happening.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Francine, my mother is not manipulating me. Our relationship is completely normal. And if you keep upsetting me, then I'll have to retreat to my safe place between her breasts.
TV Show: American Dad!
[a shaken Roger is sitting on the couch, holding a drink and covered in towels]
Francine: I told you it was complicated.
Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?
Francine: I told you it was complicated.
Roger: No, no, no, changing planes at O'Hare is complicated. Th-this is... th-this is just... Frannie, what is this?
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Too close to my mother?! How dare you! I'm all she's got!
Roger: Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?
Francine: But you were the one who said we should talk to him!
Roger: Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.
Roger: Yeah, Francine, it's the man's mother, for God's sake! What is wrong with her?
Francine: But you were the one who said we should talk to him!
Roger: Yeah, about the possibility of switching from cable to dish! I didn't know I was gonna get dragged into your psychodrama! I vote dish, by the way.
TV Show: American Dad!
[as Stan and Francine are making out]
Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.
Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.
Francine: Oh Stan, don't ever put your bike on the front of the bus.
Stan: Don't worry, the bus is for foreigners.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Francine has discovered that Stan has been abducting his mother's boyfriends]
Stan: Francine, I can explain: [voice changes to a whiny tone] she's my mommy!
Stan: Francine, I can explain: [voice changes to a whiny tone] she's my mommy!
TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan is trying to merge into traffic with the lane ahead of him blocked off]
Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!
Stan: Excuse me. Trying to merge. Not trying to get ahead of anybody, just merging. [driver honks at him] This isn't a contest, fuck you! Fine, I'll take the shoulder! [he knocks over some traffic cones only to find a construction worker and his truck in the way] Excuse me, trying to merge, I'm just trying to-- fuck you!
TV Show: American Dad!
Jess: Stan, What are you doing here?
Stan: I came to be with you. Hi Tracy
Tracy: Ew.
Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?
Stan: I came to be with you. Hi Tracy
Tracy: Ew.
Stan: Why is Tracy being such a bitch to me?
TV Show: American Dad!
Carmen Electra: While our producers sort this out I would like to make an announcement, Steve Smith, I flew my doctor in on my private jet and I had them removed! They're all real baby! So come and get it!
Steve: Yeah!
[stage collapses and crushes Carmen Electra]
Steve: Noooooo!
Female Spring Breaker: Oh my god! she's dead! Carmen is dead!
Male Spring Breaker: Oooh if only if she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest, something not real, Fake if you will, to withstand the impact.
Steve: Yeah!
[stage collapses and crushes Carmen Electra]
Steve: Noooooo!
Female Spring Breaker: Oh my god! she's dead! Carmen is dead!
Male Spring Breaker: Oooh if only if she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest, something not real, Fake if you will, to withstand the impact.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Francine and Toddler Steve are in the mall, and Francine is holding Steve's hand]
Francine: Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
Toddler Steve (calmly): I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.
Francine: Look at me, being escorted around town by this handsome little gentleman.
Toddler Steve (calmly): I just wanna let you know, that I'm speaking calmly, but there's a tantrum brewing in me, the likes of which this mall has never seen.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan and Francine enter their bedroom, after discovering that Steve has reached puberty]
Stan: Puberty.
Francine: Our worst nightmare.
Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Stan: Hey, what are you doing?
Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
Francine: Barely.
[Flashback to Hayley in her puberty. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Hayley: What do you mean, every month?!
Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
Hayley: [throws the tampon to Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley: [referring to her breasts]This is as big as they're gonna get?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek]
Hayley: I'm hideous!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.
Stan: It's pretty.
Stan: Puberty.
Francine: Our worst nightmare.
Stan: The only thing worse than a child going through puberty is being the parent of a child going through puberty. Remember I had that bumper sticker on the car for a while? [sadly] Nobody honked.
[Francine starts going toward bed]
Stan: Hey, what are you doing?
Francine: [pulls out a suitcase and starts packing things in it] I can't do it, man. I'm leaving. I'm going to... I don't know. My mom's, my sister's... Hell! I'll even go back to prison. I don't care.
Stan: Look, maybe it won't be so bad. We got through Hayley's puberty.
Francine: Barely.
[Flashback to Hayley in her puberty. She is holding a box of tampons in her left hand and a tampon in her right hand. Francine and Smith are cowering in front of her and Stan is holding a fork]
Hayley: What do you mean, every month?!
Francine: Honey, that's the glory of being a woman.
Hayley: [throws the tampon to Stan and Francine] I'm not using these! [throws the box] I'm never using these! [proceeds to sit on the white couch]
Francine & Stan: No! [she sits]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older]
Hayley: [referring to her breasts]This is as big as they're gonna get?!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose as earlier, crying in fear. Stan is holding a stapler, shooting staples towards Hayley]
[Flashback to Hayley, a bit older. She has a huge pimple on her left cheek]
Hayley: I'm hideous!
[Stan and Francine are in the same pose again. Stan is holding a torch]
Francine: Honey, you can't even see it.
Stan: It's pretty.
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: I'm not ready for Steve to make the change. He's gonna have man breath, and his poops won't smell good anymore.
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: Have you ever been beaten naked in a gym shower, Stan? One day, when I was showering after gym class, these mean pretty girls caught me and kept scrubbing me all over with soap. I mean, they didn't miss a spot! And even though we were all wet and naked and slippery, they were still able to get me on all fours, and shove my face to the floor! Can you imagine, Stan?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, with his face covered in sweat, hiding his crotch with the coat]
Stan: How'd they catch you again, please?
[Stan is sitting on the chair, with his face covered in sweat, hiding his crotch with the coat]
Stan: How'd they catch you again, please?
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: Stan, have you been eating the cookie dough again?
Stan: Why, is there still some on my face?
Francine: No.
Stan: Then no.
Stan: Why, is there still some on my face?
Francine: No.
Stan: Then no.
TV Show: American Dad!
Avery Bullock: Once again, C.I.A. body-doubles are for work purposes ONLY, people. Using your double to finish making love to a Jet Blue stewardess - because you were too drunk - is a definite no-no! Sonders...
Sonders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Sonders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
Sonders: Did you blab? Why'd you tell people?
Sonders' Double: C'mon, it was my first sloppy seconds!
TV Show: American Dad!
[At the mall, Jeff is saved by Stan from some rubble, and they talk about Hayley]
Jeff: ...But why'd she go so crazy?
Stan: Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
Stan: The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...
Jeff: ...But why'd she go so crazy?
Stan: Whenever she gets dumped, she completely wigs out. I don't know why; it's always been that way...
[Flashback to kindergarten; Hayley is crushed on by boy named "Jon"; she is happy; new girl arrives, boy crushes on her instead; in response, Hayley destroys classroom, killing the class hamster in the process]
Stan: The autopsy showed the hamster was pregnant...
TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan carries a limp Hayley riddled with darts into the living room]
Francine: Oh, God! Is she alright?
Stan: She'll be fine; just breath her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
Stan: The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Francine: Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
Stan: ...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
Francine: ...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
Stan: That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
Francine: [Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support...
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Francine: Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!
Francine: Oh, God! Is she alright?
Stan: She'll be fine; just breath her with this pump.
[Francine holds Hayley and begins pumping her lungs]
Stan: The police said, if Hayley goes on another rampage, they'll throw her in jail!
Francine: Jail?! She'll never survive! Tiny cells, the gangs, getting shanked in the cafèteria! [Grunts and pretends to stab someone] The first couple stabs break the skin, then they really get in there! [Grunts with effort] And my baby's all, "Auuggh! You bitch; I'll kill you!" [Sits down quietly and continues pumping Hayley's lungs; Stan glares on]
Stan: ...That was a haunting scenlet, Francine.
Francine: ...And we can't prevent it! Hayley has horrible taste in men; she's gonna get broken up with again!
Stan: That's why, from here on out, she doesn't date anyone I don't sign off on.
Francine: [Still pumping] I don't know Stan. I think what she needs right now is our love and support...
[Hayley suddenly awakens, then grabs Francine and throttles her]
Francine: Shoot her! Shoot her in the face!
TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: I think he might be the one! I mean, if he dumped me, I don't know what I would do.
Francine[nervously]: You'd be fine!
Hayley: No, I think I'd go maximum crazy! I'd murder Bill... burn down the neighborhood... rape Roger!
Francine[nervously]: You'd be fine!
Hayley: No, I think I'd go maximum crazy! I'd murder Bill... burn down the neighborhood... rape Roger!
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: Have f-fun, you two!
Hayley: Don't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
Hayley: 'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Hayley[rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
Hayley[sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.
Hayley: Don't worry, we will!
[Stan, dressed as Bill, his body double, and Hayley drive away.]
Hayley: 'Cause we're finally going all the way!
[Stan looks increasingly uncomfortable.]
Hayley[rapping]: Doin' it, doin' it, d-d-doin' it! Should we break for lunch? Nope! Let's keep doin' it, doin' it! Someone's at the door! I don't care! We're doin' it, doin' it! Wanna put on our hikin' boots? Yeah! We'll wear 'em while we're doin' it, doin' it!
Hayley[sing-song]: I like the rhythm, it is my method.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Roger mistakenly calls Steve "Scotty"]
Steve: Scotty?
Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.
Steve: Scotty?
Roger: That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!
Steve: What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.
TV Show: American Dad!
Amusement park guard: Throughout the day he was with nine other families in nine different outfits, the rights to which I doubt he owns.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Roger confronts the first family he lived with who abandoned him. The family's teenaged son, Tyler, comes home]
Tyler: What's going on?
Roger(sarcastically): Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.
Tyler: What's going on?
Roger(sarcastically): Oh, look, it's Tyler -- all grown up like a big shot. (loses the sarcasm as he gives Tyler a onceover): You turned out cute. (suggestively): Real cute! (giggles): Damn it! (continues giggling): I'm -- I'm laughing now 'cuz I'm nervous. (giggles, then tries to catch his breath): Oh, boy, (tugs at the crotch of his pants): these khakis are not getting any looser.
TV Show: American Dad!
Klaus: [to Roger] Use your board!... [He reads Roger's note] "How cute is Daniel Day-Lewis?" Oh good, the morphine's starting to work.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Steve, don't ever tell your mom I let you jump from a moving car... twice.
Roger: I'm feeling happy already, I am on a lot of prescription pills though.... is that a story? ... no its an addiction.
Roger: I'm feeling happy already, I am on a lot of prescription pills though.... is that a story? ... no its an addiction.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: [to Roger] Here's the parent company. Here's the subsidiary. Here's the branch of Food Co that presides over Hotdog Hauss. Here's Hotdog Hauss. Here's East Central Division. Here's this warehouse and this tiny little spot here is you.
TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: So, how'd the big night turn out?
Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.
Roger: It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Hayley: Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Roger: Yeah. I'd like that too.
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Wow, uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan!
Toshi: [in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.
Toshi: [in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.
TV Show: American Dad!