American Dad! Quotes
[Stan is playing 20 questions with his family]
Stan: I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!
Stan: I'm thinking of a person.
Steve: Ronald Reagan?
Stan: Damn!
TV Show: American Dad!
[In an Arts and Crafts Academy]
Teacher: Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.
Hayley [in robe]: Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[Removes robe]
Roger: Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)
Hayley: (Gasps, covers herself)
Roger: Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...
Teacher: Oh, we're so glad to have you, Hayley. I know it's not easy to pose nude.
Hayley [in robe]: Maybe for some people. But I am a proud and evolved woman. And I have nothing to be ashamed of.
[Removes robe]
Roger: Nnnice... (Waves/smiles)
Hayley: (Gasps, covers herself)
Roger: Madam, please, uncover yourself! Does anyone have Areola Pink? I've only got one tube...
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: [laughs] Oh, my God! Stan has no friends! And he didn't even realize! He's like America, the guy.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger (to himself): Okay, Steve. Let's see how special you're gonna feel when some crack-whore throws you off her front porch!
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: I'm having a spiritual crisis. What do you do when your best friend doesn't believe in God?
Father Donovan: Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.
Father Donovan: Well, Stan, we're hardly best friends.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Why did you cut Francine out of the will and leave everything to Gwen?
Mr. Ling: Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She fail math in school! Imagine a Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan : It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
Mr. Ling: Because Gwen is moron. She needs lots of help. She fail math in school! Imagine a Chinese girl can't do math?
Stan : It's embarrassing when children don't adhere to stereotypes.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan : [to Francine] Gwen... God is she hot. Model hot. Great, it was bad enough that I was mad, now I'm horny! Get up and kiss me like your sis--you know what, forget it.
TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: It's time to change my entire life. That's what that recurring dream's been trying to tell me. The one where I'm in that creepy classroom.
Stan: [drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.
Hayley: That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.
Francine: Have you tried it with Splenda?
Stan: [drops mug] What? I didn't drop that mug because you mentioned that dream.
Hayley: That dream is a warning. Society's trying to brainwash me to conform, to color inside the lines, to get married and have babies. Well I'm not drinking the Kool-Aid anymore.
Francine: Have you tried it with Splenda?
TV Show: American Dad!
Hayley: The path to happiness?
Stan: Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.
Stan: Yeah. It starts in Marriage Land and runs through Mommy Town. Final destination - Housewife City, where you watch TV all day long and blame everything on a Mexican woman who only comes on Tuesdays.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Stan aims a shotgun at Hayley]
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him][lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!
Stan: Hayley, don't make me have to [she quickly snatches the shotgun from him and aims it at him][lovingly and quickly speaking] spare your life because you're a part of the family!
TV Show: American Dad!
[Hayley holds Stan at gunpoint]
Stan: Okay Hayley, I give up. This whole thing was my fault anyway. You were on your own path to happieness, and if killing me will put you back on that path then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. Now, if you still feel you can pull that trigger-
[Hayley shoots him]
Stan: Okay Hayley, I give up. This whole thing was my fault anyway. You were on your own path to happieness, and if killing me will put you back on that path then go ahead. Just know that I love you and I always will. You're my little girl. Now, if you still feel you can pull that trigger-
[Hayley shoots him]
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: There was a Space War?
Roger: Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.
Roger: Space War?! No no. I fought in the Viet Cong in the late sixties. I've told you that story, right? Well the end of it is we won.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: Wow he is rough on you. He is elephant-making-love-to-a-cat rough on you.
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: [lays on the bed, posing] Hey killer, how was the kill? You need to wash the blood off your hands? Or better yet, don't.
Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--
Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. [Under the covers we hear the sound of something vibrating] Just... sharpening... my... pencils!...
Stan: Well... I didn't actually kill anyone. I tri--
Francine: [Hastily, crawling into bed] Ya know I'm tired, I have a headache, I've got a lot of work to do, my back hurts, it's that time of the month, I have an early meeting. [Under the covers we hear the sound of something vibrating] Just... sharpening... my... pencils!...
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: I hope my son is still about to be molested! I need a half price ticket.
Ticket Man: I'm sorry, I cant accept a full can. It has to be empty.
[Stan chugs the soda]
Stan: [panting] Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!
Ticket Man: I'm sorry, I cant accept a full can. It has to be empty.
[Stan chugs the soda]
Stan: [panting] Polar bears... shouldn't give this... to their babies!
TV Show: American Dad!
Bad Larry: I'm glad to be your first. And I...shall become...more powerful...THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE! [dies]
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?
Stan: What did he mean by that?
Roger: Eh, who cares, he's dead.
Ray: [gives Stan a corn-dog] I know it's just a corn-dog, but you'll never forget it. [exits as Stan eats the corn-dog, then reappears in the background] Where'd I park my car?
TV Show: American Dad!
Francine: Doctor says I have a big, spongy cervix. Oh, listen to me bragging about my vagina. It's last week's PTA meeting all over again.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan[upon seeing Lily's "husband" Al]: You know, I love long hair on a man. Grown-up Jesus had long hair, but His breasts weren't as luscious as your-- HOLY SH*T, YOU'RE A WOMAN!
TV Show: American Dad!
Klaus[After Steve and Roger throw him down a water slide]: Allow me to impress upon you the severe mistake you have made. For years my conduct has been largely benign. And yet, without provocation, you have severed our détente and forced me to unleash upon you the vengeful flames of a thousand suns. You shall curse your mothers for the day of your birth. So go now, go, and begin your life of fear, knowing that when you least expect it, the looming sword of Damocles will crash down upon you, cleaving you in twain and as you gaze upon the smoking wreckage that was once your life, you will regret the day you crossed the WRONG FISH!!
[beat]
Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.
[beat]
Steve: [to Roger] He didn't think it was funny.
TV Show: American Dad!
[nine months later...]
Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.
Steve: Ok you win, just do it already!
Klaus: Do what?
Roger: Get your revenge!
Steve: The water slide? the practical joke?
Klaus: Ohh yes, I had forgotten...
Roger: GOOD, good... us too.
Klaus: But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA
Roger: [covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: Steve, it's a beautiful afternoon. Shouldn't you be outside with your friends turning my tool shed into Mordor or Endor or... something heartbreaking?
TV Show: American Dad!
Klaus: [offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!
Hayley: [runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!
Hayley: [runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!
TV Show: American Dad!
Steve: Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon.
Stan: What?
Francine: There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?
Stan: Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.
Stan: What?
Francine: There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?
Stan: Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.
TV Show: American Dad!
[Roger is at this deathbed because his unreleased "bitchiness" turns to bile.]
Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.
[Steve dances]
Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
[flower perks up]
Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.
Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.
Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.
Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff
Roger: OK. Send me Steve. Dance for me.
[Steve dances]
Roger: Mm hm. OK. OK, that's enough. I've got what I need. You are terrible. You've got no rhythm, no coordination. I've... I've seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace.
[flower perks up]
Roger: If your goal was to inspire a feeling of despair the like of which hasn't been felt since Whoopi hosted the Oscars, then bravo.
Francine: OK, I think that's enough, Roger.
Stan: Honey, no. It's good for the both of them.
Roger: I can envision millions of Americans and rising up as one and demanding legislation that would require your legs to be amputated, burned and buried next to Hitler. In short, you suck. [at his feet] Oh yeah, that's the stuff
TV Show: American Dad!
[in a parody of the James Bond opening, Stan walks into the view of the gun barrel and goes to shoot at it, but ends up getting shot]
Stan: OW! What the hell? Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds]: Douche.
Stan: OW! What the hell? Wait, you're a gun? I always thought you were an eyeball or something! [walks away, clutching his gun wounds]: Douche.
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: [rising up in a Zeppelin] You'll never catch me, Smith! [Stan is right next to him] You just climbed right up the ropes, didn't you? I specifically said, retractable ropes! I tell you, when I build my next lair, I'm going to do things differently. More quicksand, more death beams, and a bench in the shower 'cause sometimes I like to sit down.
TV Show: American Dad!
Stan: i'm gonna go hit the juice bar, you wouldn't like it. It's not about living out childhood abuse through degrading sexual encounters. It's more about juice
TV Show: American Dad!
Roger: [before he and his escape pod crash into a volcano] MIKE, YOU"RE THE WORST CONTRACTER EVER!!
TV Show: American Dad!