Andy Richter Controls the Universe Quotes
Andy Richter: [Andy recounts his one and only date with Jessica] Maybe we should try sleeping together...
Jessica Green: I don't know, I think this might be one of those situations that having bad sex won't help. I guess we've been friends for too long.
Andy Richter: We might have crossed the line that time I held your hair when you were vomiting.
Jessica Green: Oh yeah, that was nice.
Jessica Green: I don't know, I think this might be one of those situations that having bad sex won't help. I guess we've been friends for too long.
Andy Richter: We might have crossed the line that time I held your hair when you were vomiting.
Jessica Green: Oh yeah, that was nice.
TV Show: Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Andy Richter: Words can sting just as bad as window cleaner.
TV Show: Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Andy: [thinking] My plan was to tell Ben my grandmother's age, and make sure he remembered it. Then, I was going to bring it up the next time I see him. If he didn't remember her age, that means that he actually is sharing her with his twin. [cut to a scene of Andy meeting Ben]
Andy: Hey, Ben! Or as my 84 year old grandmother would say, "Hey Ben, I'm 84." 84! That's so funny, me and Ben were just talking about how old my 84 year old grandmother is. She can barely walk, cuz she's 84. [Ben leaves confused. Cut to a scene of Andy in a bar]
Andy: There he is he just walked in. Hey, Ben! Remember that day when we talked about my 84 year-old grand... Aww, crap. [thinking]
Andy: There goes my dream of being a spy.
Andy: Hey, Ben! Or as my 84 year old grandmother would say, "Hey Ben, I'm 84." 84! That's so funny, me and Ben were just talking about how old my 84 year old grandmother is. She can barely walk, cuz she's 84. [Ben leaves confused. Cut to a scene of Andy in a bar]
Andy: There he is he just walked in. Hey, Ben! Remember that day when we talked about my 84 year-old grand... Aww, crap. [thinking]
Andy: There goes my dream of being a spy.
TV Show: Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Jessica Green: Okay, granted, we did engage in bad shenanigans, but it's not like were... Stalin or somebody!
Andy Richter: Tim Stalin in accounting?
Jessica Green: Yeah, Tim Stalin in accounting. That was the worst Stalin I could think of.
Andy Richter: Tim Stalin in accounting?
Jessica Green: Yeah, Tim Stalin in accounting. That was the worst Stalin I could think of.
TV Show: Andy Richter Controls the Universe
Keith Richards: That's an interesting story. You know, I was briefly married to Daryl Hannah. [Andy and Byron are speechless]
Keith Richards: Anyway, think about the movie. [leaves]
Andy Richter: Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.
Keith Richards: Anyway, think about the movie. [leaves]
Andy Richter: Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.
TV Show: Andy Richter Controls the Universe
[Teak and Phil are fighting over Jessica]
Jessica: [answering the phone] This is Jessica.
Phil: [impersonating Teak] Jessica, this is Teak. I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil, because he's your kind of man. And strong.
Teak: [Teak comes in on a third line] Phil, you bastard. Jessica, it's me, Teak. [impersonating Phil]
Teak: No wait, it's Phil. And you're fat. [normal]
Teak: Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat.
Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Wait, I'm Phil.
Teak: What?
Phil: Huh?
Jessica: [impersonating Teak] Hello, this is Teak!
Phil: What?
Teak: Who is this?
Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Phil. I think someone else is on the line.
Phil: What?
Jessica: [impersonating Teak] What?
Teak: Are you Teak or Phil?
Jessica: [scary voice] I'm in the house! [impersonating Phil]
Jessica: Dude, run! Hang up! Run! [both Teak and Phil hang up and run away frightened]
Jessica: [answering the phone] This is Jessica.
Phil: [impersonating Teak] Jessica, this is Teak. I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil, because he's your kind of man. And strong.
Teak: [Teak comes in on a third line] Phil, you bastard. Jessica, it's me, Teak. [impersonating Phil]
Teak: No wait, it's Phil. And you're fat. [normal]
Teak: Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat.
Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Wait, I'm Phil.
Teak: What?
Phil: Huh?
Jessica: [impersonating Teak] Hello, this is Teak!
Phil: What?
Teak: Who is this?
Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Phil. I think someone else is on the line.
Phil: What?
Jessica: [impersonating Teak] What?
Teak: Are you Teak or Phil?
Jessica: [scary voice] I'm in the house! [impersonating Phil]
Jessica: Dude, run! Hang up! Run! [both Teak and Phil hang up and run away frightened]
TV Show: Andy Richter Controls the Universe