Archer Quotes
[last lines]
Sterling Archer: Whoa, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with y - [starts laughing uncontrollably]
Ramon Limon: And what is so funny about that?
Sterling Archer: [still cracking up] No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc - Scared and alone! [laughs]
Sterling Archer: And possibly dehydrated!
Sterling Archer: Whoa, you actually thought I wanted to have sex with y - [starts laughing uncontrollably]
Ramon Limon: And what is so funny about that?
Sterling Archer: [still cracking up] No, no, it's Woodhouse! He's all tied up somewhere, sc - Scared and alone! [laughs]
Sterling Archer: And possibly dehydrated!
Movie: Archer
Cyril Figgis: This isn't my fault.
Sterling Archer: It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...
Cyril Figgis: You cheated on Lana plenty!
Sterling Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Sterling Archer: Yeah, they were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh.
Sterling Archer: It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...
Cyril Figgis: You cheated on Lana plenty!
Sterling Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Sterling Archer: Yeah, they were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh.
Movie: Archer
Sterling Archer: What? You're black... ish.
Agent Lana Kane: Ish?
Sterling Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'Quadroon.'
Agent Lana Kane: Imagine that!
Agent Lana Kane: Ish?
Sterling Archer: Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said 'Quadroon.'
Agent Lana Kane: Imagine that!
Movie: Archer
Sterling Archer: Lana... Lana... Lana... LLAANNAA!
Agent Lana Kane: WHAT?
Sterling Archer: ...Danger Zone!
Agent Lana Kane: WHAT?
Sterling Archer: ...Danger Zone!
Movie: Archer
Sterling Archer: Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche. [Cyril: Hey]
Agent Lana Kane: [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling Archer: Make me!
Agent Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: What?
Agent Lana Kane: [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling Archer: Make me!
Agent Lana Kane: What?
Sterling Archer: What?
Movie: Archer
Krieger: Every single noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me.
Pam: And I'm so open to that.
Pam: And I'm so open to that.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll rub...sand...in your dead little eyes.
Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
Archer: [pause] I also need you to buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but...coarse.
Woodhouse: Very good, sir.
Archer: [pause] I also need you to buy sand.
Woodhouse: Yes, sir.
Archer: I don't know if they grade it, but...coarse.
TV Show: Archer
Mallory: ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to--Whore Island!
Archer: That's not..a real place.
Mallory: I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!
Archer: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Mallory: Have I made myself clear?!
Archer: You're looking for the answer "yes"?
Mallory: Yes.
Archer: Then yes.
Archer: That's not..a real place.
Mallory: I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!
Archer: Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.
Mallory: Have I made myself clear?!
Archer: You're looking for the answer "yes"?
Mallory: Yes.
Archer: Then yes.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: There's my favorite section head!
Pam: I am dealing with the breakroom problem!
Archer: Oh, good, you caught the, uh, oh wait, I had something good for this...the..."Pita Predator"...sorry, let's just call it what it is...food rapist.
Pam: I am dealing with the breakroom problem!
Archer: Oh, good, you caught the, uh, oh wait, I had something good for this...the..."Pita Predator"...sorry, let's just call it what it is...food rapist.
TV Show: Archer
Archer (to Pam): I'll throw these doughnuts on the ground so you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry hungry... [Pam abruptly shuts the door on Archer] ...hungry hippo.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: What are you doing?
Cyril: Oh. Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stirfry for dinner on Friday.
Archer: Neat. Listen...
Cyril: [very excitedly] Guess what we call it!
Archer: "Stir Friday?"
Cryil: [long pause] Wow. That's actually better.
Archer: It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe.
Later:
Archer: And after I gave you "Stir Friday!"
Cyril: Yeah, that is much better.
Archer: I know.
Cyril: Oh. Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stirfry for dinner on Friday.
Archer: Neat. Listen...
Cyril: [very excitedly] Guess what we call it!
Archer: "Stir Friday?"
Cryil: [long pause] Wow. That's actually better.
Archer: It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe.
Later:
Archer: And after I gave you "Stir Friday!"
Cyril: Yeah, that is much better.
Archer: I know.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Oh my God, you killed a hooker!
Cyril Figgis: Call girl! She was a call girl!
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!
Cyril Figgis: Call girl! She was a call girl!
Archer: No Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: Will I get to learn karate?
Archer: Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
Archer: Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight...somehow.
Cheryl: Ooh, that would make me...uncomfortable.
Archer: Ugh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable!
[Archer and Cheryl are naked and on the floor of his apartment]
Archer: Just the tip?
[Archer is behind Cheryl now, who is on all fours]
Archer: Just the tip?
[Archer is waving an ice cream cone in front of Cheryl]
Archer: Just the tip!
Archer: How was I supposed to know you're lactose intolerant?
Cheryl: Because I kept screaming it!
(Later)
Cheryl: Are...are you gonna pay for your lunch?
Archer: Just the tip. ...Actually, I don't have any cash on me. Could you...get it? I also need cab fare.
Cheryl: Ooh, that would make me...uncomfortable.
Archer: Ugh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable!
[Archer and Cheryl are naked and on the floor of his apartment]
Archer: Just the tip?
[Archer is behind Cheryl now, who is on all fours]
Archer: Just the tip?
[Archer is waving an ice cream cone in front of Cheryl]
Archer: Just the tip!
Archer: How was I supposed to know you're lactose intolerant?
Cheryl: Because I kept screaming it!
(Later)
Cheryl: Are...are you gonna pay for your lunch?
Archer: Just the tip.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Well, thanks for nothing, Carol. Now I need to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. And if it gets ruined I'll make you drink heavy cream, you...Carol!
[Archer zip-lines across to the roof of ISIS]
Archer: Wow, that was actually pretty easy! Thanks new turtleneck! (rips his turtleneck) Aw, f-and thank you, duffle bag!
[Archer zip-lines across to the roof of ISIS]
Archer: Wow, that was actually pretty easy! Thanks new turtleneck! (rips his turtleneck) Aw, f-and thank you, duffle bag!
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Holy shit, our security is atrocious. Seriously, it's really bad.
[He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password]
Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest"
[He types in "Guest" and it works]
Archer: No way. It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.
[He sits at the computer, which prompts him for a password]
Archer: Password. Hmm, password? How about "Guest"
[He types in "Guest" and it works]
Archer: No way. It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just... babytown frolics.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Whoa, I would not push her. That is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Lana: "Baby crazy"?!
Archer: That's why I broke up with her.
Lana: You lying--! You sack of shit! I broke up with you because you're carrying around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!
Archer: See?! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!
Lana: You want to see crazy?!
Archer: No! I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!
Lana: I wish you'd been wearing one!
Archer: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit!
Lana: Cosplay enthusiasts!
Archer: What?
Lana: Wait! No! Shit!
Lana: "Baby crazy"?!
Archer: That's why I broke up with her.
Lana: You lying--! You sack of shit! I broke up with you because you're carrying around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!
Archer: See?! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!
Lana: You want to see crazy?!
Archer: No! I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!
Lana: I wish you'd been wearing one!
Archer: Who would want to wear an on-fire suit!
Lana: Cosplay enthusiasts!
Archer: What?
Lana: Wait! No! Shit!
TV Show: Archer
[Krenshaw walks in on Archer breaking into the mainframe]
Archer: Hey! I was just talking about you, and about how this isn't what it looks like.
Krenshaw: Lot of that going around.
Archer: Yeah, it's an epidemic.
Krenshaw: For example, my real name is Kremensky.
Archer: Is that...sound...is that Jewish?
Krenshaw: It's Russian.
Archer: Um. [long pause] Russian Jewish?
Krenshaw: I'm the mole, idiot.
Later
Archer: Lana! Krenshaw's a mole! Definitely Russian! Possibly a Jew! Thoughts?
Archer: Hey! I was just talking about you, and about how this isn't what it looks like.
Krenshaw: Lot of that going around.
Archer: Yeah, it's an epidemic.
Krenshaw: For example, my real name is Kremensky.
Archer: Is that...sound...is that Jewish?
Krenshaw: It's Russian.
Archer: Um. [long pause] Russian Jewish?
Krenshaw: I'm the mole, idiot.
Later
Archer: Lana! Krenshaw's a mole! Definitely Russian! Possibly a Jew! Thoughts?
TV Show: Archer
Kremensky: Picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without old Mommy Dearest.
Lana: (Held at gunpoint by Archer) JESUS CHRIST!
Everyone: What?
Lana: He's got an ERECTION!
Lana: (Held at gunpoint by Archer) JESUS CHRIST!
Everyone: What?
Lana: He's got an ERECTION!
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: Yep, see here? Kremensky just stole 50,000 from Archer's acount. Must have been doing it all along.
Archer: Apology accepted. Ass douche.
Cyril: Hey!
Archer: What?
Lana: (Points a gun at Archer) Call him that again.
Archer: Make me!
Lana: What?
Archer: What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.
Archer: Apology accepted. Ass douche.
Cyril: Hey!
Archer: What?
Lana: (Points a gun at Archer) Call him that again.
Archer: Make me!
Lana: What?
Archer: What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...
Cyril: But your mother is, so...
Archer: But I wonder what Lana thinks about...
Cyril: Lana's not "need to know" this.
Archer: Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?
Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!
Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!
(Cheryl gasps loudly)
Cyril: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: It's Carol.
Archer: Wha-- Since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Archer: Well that's just... Excuse us.
(Cyril and Archer walk away)
Cyril: What is this herpes business?
Archer: Bad joke. And a false alarm.
Cyril: But your mother is, so...
Archer: But I wonder what Lana thinks about...
Cyril: Lana's not "need to know" this.
Archer: Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?
Cyril: Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.
Archer: Uh hello! Herpes?!
Cyril: YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!
(Cheryl gasps loudly)
Cyril: Hello, Cheryl.
Cheryl: It's Carol.
Archer: Wha-- Since when?
Cheryl: Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.
Archer: Well that's just... Excuse us.
(Cyril and Archer walk away)
Cyril: What is this herpes business?
Archer: Bad joke. And a false alarm.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: And then I put whipped cream over everything and you know where this goes...
TV Show: Archer
Archer: This is what a real field agent uses.
[Archer gives Cyril a new pen]
Cyril: The point is a lot finer than I prefer.
Archer: That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso...caine.
[Archer puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket]
Archer: Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.
[Archer gives Cyril a new pen]
Cyril: The point is a lot finer than I prefer.
Archer: That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso...caine.
[Archer puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket]
Archer: Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.
TV Show: Archer