Archer Quotes
Malory: But they were blanks! Weren't they?
Archer: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
Archer: Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: [carrying Torvald's body] I should be carrying her.
Archer: [carrying Elke's body] Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.
Archer: [carrying Elke's body] Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.
TV Show: Archer
[All dialogue and action unseen]
Malory: All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So...Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Cyril: Wait, what?!
Malory: Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
Cyril: But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
Malory: Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!
Cyril: Oh, Jesus.
[Muffled gunshot]
Cheryl: Ew.
Malory: You're next.
Archer: God, Cyril, that was...[gunshot] pathetic.
Cyril: Shut up.
Malory: Come on! Everybody shoots!
Pam: Hey, I wanna go!
[Five muffled gunshots]
Malory: Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...
Archer: No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.
Malory: Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...
Archer: Wha...oh.
Malory: Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and...Sterling!
Archer: But this gun—it was a gift.
Malory: Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!
Archer: You don't know.
Malory: Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.
[Flick of a lighter, slight plume of flame]
Cyril: Oh, hot potato!
Archer: We still didn't get the UN contract.
Malory: Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!
Woodhouse: That smell takes me back—just like a Zambesi feast.
Pam: Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?
Malory: It would be weirder if you weren't.
Malory: All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So...Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Cyril: Wait, what?!
Malory: Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
Cyril: But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
Malory: Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!
Cyril: Oh, Jesus.
[Muffled gunshot]
Cheryl: Ew.
Malory: You're next.
Archer: God, Cyril, that was...[gunshot] pathetic.
Cyril: Shut up.
Malory: Come on! Everybody shoots!
Pam: Hey, I wanna go!
[Five muffled gunshots]
Malory: Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...
Archer: No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.
Malory: Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...
Archer: Wha...oh.
Malory: Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and...Sterling!
Archer: But this gun—it was a gift.
Malory: Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!
Archer: You don't know.
Malory: Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.
[Flick of a lighter, slight plume of flame]
Cyril: Oh, hot potato!
Archer: We still didn't get the UN contract.
Malory: Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!
Woodhouse: That smell takes me back—just like a Zambesi feast.
Pam: Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?
Malory: It would be weirder if you weren't.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: [Wearing only a towel and baseball catcher's mask]WOODHOUSE! Do we have any lube? Like at this point even some olive oil would (finds his mother in the living room)... help me get that drawer unstuck.
TV Show: Archer
Mallory: And Don't even get me started on Miss Gillette.
Meanwhile, At the office
Gillette: (To Pam and Cheryl) She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.
Meanwhile, At the office
Gillette: (To Pam and Cheryl) She has never liked me. But someday I'm gonna write a book about this place. Mhm, a real smackaroonie.
TV Show: Archer
Charles: What? Normal as opposed to gay?
Rudy: Implying that gay is abnormal?
Archer: Not abnormal just... gay!
Rudy: Implying that gay is abnormal?
Archer: Not abnormal just... gay!
TV Show: Archer
Woodhouse: Sir, that stolen lemur bit one of your prostitutes right in the face and she says she can't go to hospital because she's quote, tripping balls.
TV Show: Archer
Mallory: Oh, for God's sakes, Sterling, schoolgirls?
Archer: No! They're just costumes.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: Doesn't it?
Later
Woodhouse: I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.
Archer: And I suppose that makes it better?
Woodhouse: Doesn't it?
Later
Mallory: Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: No, no! It was just merely incompetence.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Doesn't it?
Archer: No! They're just costumes.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Archer: Doesn't it?
Later
Woodhouse: I have ascertained the target, sir. He's actually quite handsome.
Archer: And I suppose that makes it better?
Woodhouse: Doesn't it?
Later
Mallory: Don't tell me that you set this whole thing up just so you could get me to move in with you and your mother!
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: No, no! It was just merely incompetence.
Mallory: And I suppose that makes it better?
Maj. Nikolai Jackov: Doesn't it?
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Jesus Krieger, you're still taping bum fights?
Krieger: No, now I'm into something... darker.
Krieger: No, now I'm into something... darker.
TV Show: Archer
Krieger: I've developed a proprietary chemical compound which may come in handy. I call it Formula K.
Archer: And it makes you temporarily gay?
Krieger: I dunno. Just started human testing (whispering) by dosing Danny the intern's coffee.
Danny the Intern: [in singsong voice] ...who is LOV-ing it!
Archer: And it makes you temporarily gay?
Krieger: I dunno. Just started human testing (whispering) by dosing Danny the intern's coffee.
Danny the Intern: [in singsong voice] ...who is LOV-ing it!
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Way the Christ out in the Everglades burying some Dominican guy's rooster!
Charles: Fun! Wha - Oh, you mean literally.
Charles: Fun! Wha - Oh, you mean literally.
TV Show: Archer
Ramón: Mamá always said, "Ramón, un hombre real debe saber cocinar." (A real man should know how to cook)
Archer: Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud?
Archer: Mine always said, "Sterling, come in here and check me for lumps." Holy shit, was that out loud?
TV Show: Archer
Woodhouse: From the looks of it, and not to mention the lemur, I would hazard he’s taking a personal day.
TV Show: Archer
Woodhouse: I’m afraid the lemur got into the pudding cups.
Archer: Yeah, like I told you he would! You idiot!
Archer: Yeah, like I told you he would! You idiot!
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: I think that’s hot, like somebody murdering me is so… intimate.
[Later, discussing her fetish]
Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam: I seriously think you're scary.
Cheryl: No no no no, like, a big, sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, "yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth", but instead he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is: he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, flurp, falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
[Awkward pause]
Pam: Jesus Christ!
[Later, discussing her fetish]
Cheryl: You seriously don't think that's hot?
Pam: I seriously think you're scary.
Cheryl: No no no no, like, a big, sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, "yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth", but instead he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is: he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, flurp, falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
[Awkward pause]
Pam: Jesus Christ!
TV Show: Archer
Charles: We bought those for him and if you throw them off the roof I will fly to New York and fling acid in your face.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: How do you say 'The Hulk' in spanish?
Ramone: 'El Hulk'
Archer: Gay.
Ramone: What? We don't have a word for 'Hulk'
Archer: Do you have a word for gay?
Ramone: Gay.
Archer: Gayer! Jesus Spanish! Our jobs aren't enough now you gotta take our words?
Ramone: 'El Hulk'
Archer: Gay.
Ramone: What? We don't have a word for 'Hulk'
Archer: Do you have a word for gay?
Ramone: Gay.
Archer: Gayer! Jesus Spanish! Our jobs aren't enough now you gotta take our words?
TV Show: Archer
Archer: (Stifling a laugh) Woodhouse: he's all tied up somewhere, sc-scared and alone. PROBABLY DEHYDRATED!
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Cyril, c'mon. Worst case scenario, her cover got blown and Scorpio's raping her senseless before he chops her corpse up into fish food.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: I moved in with my last girlfriend after four weeks!
Lana: What are you? A lesbian?
Lana: What are you? A lesbian?
TV Show: Archer
Krieger: I'm sorry were you talking to me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kick-ass.
TV Show: Archer