Archer Quotes
Malory: But even though Cyril may be clingy.
Lana: Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.
Lana: Oh, Saran Wrap could take a lesson.
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: Pick one. Either "A", I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug, or two, you get inside me.
Cyril: Or "C", maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.
Cheryl: I don't think that's how blimps work.
Cyril: Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid, naturally safe helium.
Cheryl: But I am liking the jamming imagery...[She rips open her shirt] and the killing.
Cyril: Or "C", maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.
Cheryl: I don't think that's how blimps work.
Cyril: Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid, naturally safe helium.
Cheryl: But I am liking the jamming imagery...[She rips open her shirt] and the killing.
TV Show: Archer
Pam: So, you're ruining Cyril's life because, in your dream-the-impossible-dream world, it'll make Mr. Archer jealous?
Cheryl: Oh, Pamela, you read me like a poem.
Pam: Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl: I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
Cheryl: Oh, Pamela, you read me like a poem.
Pam: Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl: I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
TV Show: Archer
Lana: Cyril is already freaked out enough about us sharing this shoebox without you air-drying your unkempt bush.
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
Archer: Unkempt bush!? You're one to talk.
Lana: My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!
TV Show: Archer
Mallory: You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.
Lana: Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.
[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her]
Cheryl: Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh My God Yes!
Cyril: Oh, my God, what am I doing?
Pam: [on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
Lana: Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.
[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her]
Cheryl: Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh My God Yes!
Cyril: Oh, my God, what am I doing?
Pam: [on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
TV Show: Archer
Pam: Wow, you are just a dog in a manger.
Cheryl: I don't know what that means Pam. I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
Pam: Oh, for the - it's called a dairy.
Cheryl: I don't know what that means Pam. I didn't grow up on a cheese farm.
Pam: Oh, for the - it's called a dairy.
TV Show: Archer
Captain Lammers: The stock price could only go up, they said. Well guess what?
Archer: Uh... it didn't?
Archer: Uh... it didn't?
TV Show: Archer
(The blimp is taking off with them still on it)
Pam: God damn it! We're moving!
Cheryl: I know!
Pam: What happened to half an hour?!
Cheryl: I lied!
Pam: God damn it! We're moving!
Cheryl: I know!
Pam: What happened to half an hour?!
Cheryl: I lied!
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl walks in to find Cyril has his hand over Pam’s mouth
Cheryl: Cyril! Are you cheating on me?
Cyril: No. I’m just… uh… trying to get my muffin back.
Cheryl: No you’re not!
Cyril: I’m not?
Cheryl: Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.
Cyril: That’s… ah… good to know.
Cheryl: Do it!
Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor
Cheryl: And no muffin. See? Time lost is Muffin lost.
Cheryl: Cyril! Are you cheating on me?
Cyril: No. I’m just… uh… trying to get my muffin back.
Cheryl: No you’re not!
Cyril: I’m not?
Cheryl: Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.
Cyril: That’s… ah… good to know.
Cheryl: Do it!
Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor
Cheryl: And no muffin. See? Time lost is Muffin lost.
TV Show: Archer
Lana: What are you doing back there?
Archer: I don't know!
Lana: What, are you just hitting random keys?
Archer: Well, obviously!
Archer: I don't know!
Lana: What, are you just hitting random keys?
Archer: Well, obviously!
TV Show: Archer
[Lana and Archer are trying to equip for their mission while all the ‘Drones’ are on strike]
Lana: Yes, we need a code cloner! Duh!
[Archer appears, wearing night-vision goggles and carrying shovels]
Archer: These were all I could find. I’m thinking: goggles – yes; shovels? I don’t know how or why we’d use them.
Lana: Yes, we need a code cloner! Duh!
[Archer appears, wearing night-vision goggles and carrying shovels]
Archer: These were all I could find. I’m thinking: goggles – yes; shovels? I don’t know how or why we’d use them.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Cyril. Cyril! … CYRIL!
Cyril: What?!
Archer: I’m rescuing Lana, as usual!
Cyril: Hey, shut up!
Cyril: What?!
Archer: I’m rescuing Lana, as usual!
Cyril: Hey, shut up!
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: I love that you know how to do that.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection... that doesn't involve homeless people.
Krieger: And I love that I have an erection... that doesn't involve homeless people.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: You've cheated on Lana plenty.
Archer: Yeah, but with starlets; models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Archer: Yeah. They were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh!
Archer: Yeah, but with starlets; models. Oh, and one time, two actual princesses.
Pam: Two at the same time?
Archer: Yeah. They were sisters.
Pam: Sploosh!
TV Show: Archer
Lana: We'll never catch him in this thing!
Archer: Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!
Lana: I blew jack shit!
Archer: Name dropper.
Archer: Maybe you should've thought about that before you blew the damn drop!
Lana: I blew jack shit!
Archer: Name dropper.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: ODIN doesn't beat Sterling Archer! Only Sterling Archer beats... [He trails off as he realises he's lost the target.]
Lana: Do you wanna finish that thought?
Archer: Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth?!
Lana: Do you wanna finish that thought?
Archer: Do you wanna shut your big, fat, negative, wordsy mouth?!
TV Show: Archer
Trexler: [after Archer hits a polo ball out the window] God, you're a natural! Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school, no doubt.
Archer: Yeah, 13 years' worth.
Trexler: 13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.
Archer: No, I loved it. Uh...made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway of a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.
Trexler: Speaking of— how's your mother taking all this?
Archer: Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.
[Cut to ISIS]
Malory: [drunk on Absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?
Cheryl: Kind of a lot, actually.
Malory: Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.
Archer: Yeah, 13 years' worth.
Trexler: 13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.
Archer: No, I loved it. Uh...made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway of a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.
Trexler: Speaking of— how's your mother taking all this?
Archer: Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.
[Cut to ISIS]
Malory: [drunk on Absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?
Cheryl: Kind of a lot, actually.
Malory: Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: I don't care if he's happy!
Trexler: Well, that's obvious.
Malory: Meaning what exactly?!
Trexler: Meaning who leaves a nine-year-old in a police station on Christmas?!
Malory: Eve! And he told you about that?
Trexler: Oh, we've had such great talks.
Malory: Fire him!
Trexler: Join him! Come work for me.
Malory: Have you lost your mind?!
Trexler: Every time I see you.
Malory: Fire him.
Trexler: Can't do it.
Malory: Can't or won't?
Trexler: Either?
Trexler: Well, that's obvious.
Malory: Meaning what exactly?!
Trexler: Meaning who leaves a nine-year-old in a police station on Christmas?!
Malory: Eve! And he told you about that?
Trexler: Oh, we've had such great talks.
Malory: Fire him!
Trexler: Join him! Come work for me.
Malory: Have you lost your mind?!
Trexler: Every time I see you.
Malory: Fire him.
Trexler: Can't do it.
Malory: Can't or won't?
Trexler: Either?
TV Show: Archer
Lana: No, as a matter of fact, I don't have Barry on speed-dial.
Cyril: Well, gee, that's rather surprising.
Lana: You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.
Cyril: And really expensive, turns out.
Cyril: Well, gee, that's rather surprising.
Lana: You know what's surprising? Kissing you goodbye at the airport, dozing off in first class, and then seeing you on my flight when I get up to pee! That, to me, is rather surprising.
Cyril: And really expensive, turns out.
TV Show: Archer
Lana: Telex. You got one in here?
Archer: Why? So you can smash that too?
Lana: No.
Archer: [Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!
Archer: Why? So you can smash that too?
Lana: No.
Archer: [Talking over Lana] Because I'm pretty sure I'm financially responsible for the furnishings!
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Mother burned me?
Lana: Apparently.
Archer: Oh, my god, that's classic her.
Lana: You're both classic her.
Lana: Apparently.
Archer: Oh, my god, that's classic her.
Lana: You're both classic her.
TV Show: Archer
Pam: Looks like Jonestown in here.
Malory: Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Pam: Too dead inside to read good news?
Malory: Is it my obituary?
Pam: Well, it's not that good.
Malory: Yes, Pam, get me some poison, because I am already dead inside.
Pam: Too dead inside to read good news?
Malory: Is it my obituary?
Pam: Well, it's not that good.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Let's talk this out.
Lana: Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or — ooh! — maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!
Archer: Ex-boyfriend I bet.
Lana: Oh, you think?!
Archer: Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.
Lana: Talk what out?! How you ruined my chance to work for ODIN?! Or — ooh! — maybe how I just caught my boyfriend balls deep in some French chick!
Archer: Ex-boyfriend I bet.
Lana: Oh, you think?!
Archer: Yeah, he's not coming back. That chick was, like, the Pelé of anal.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: You just destroyed my innocence!
Mallory: Oh, please! That brazilian au pair did that when you were 13.
Archer: 12!
Mallory: Oh, please! That brazilian au pair did that when you were 13.
Archer: 12!
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: I'm sorry Krieger, but it's over. So here's all your Creedence Clearwater albums back.
Krieger: And now, a sad moon is on the rise.
Cheryl: I know, devastating. But it's not you, it's your weak womany hands.
Krieger: They're not...
Cheryl: It's like being choked by a child. Which I thought would be hot, but...
Krieger: No, wait! I'll take steroids!
Cheryl: I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.
Krieger: And now, a sad moon is on the rise.
Cheryl: I know, devastating. But it's not you, it's your weak womany hands.
Krieger: They're not...
Cheryl: It's like being choked by a child. Which I thought would be hot, but...
Krieger: No, wait! I'll take steroids!
Cheryl: I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.
TV Show: Archer