Archer Quotes
Major Jackov: [Discussing his plan to kidnap Archer] Turn him into, how you say, Vole?
Russian Soldier: I think you mean mole.
Major Jackov: Ah?
Russian Soldier: Mole. Vole is also rodent but more closely related to lemming.
Russian Soldier: I think you mean mole.
Major Jackov: Ah?
Russian Soldier: Mole. Vole is also rodent but more closely related to lemming.
TV Show: Archer
[Lana has learned of Cyril's multiple affairs during their relationship]
Lana: Okay, we've got the French chick, and Carol, and - anybody else, Ram-bone?
Cyril: Uh, no...
["Scatterbrain" Jane walks by the open office door]
Jane: Hi, Cyril. (laughing and coughing)
Cyril: Well...
Lana: Scatterbrain Jane?! Really?
Cyril: Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Lana: Oh right, I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
Cyril: Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.
Lana: Yep.
Lana: Okay, we've got the French chick, and Carol, and - anybody else, Ram-bone?
Cyril: Uh, no...
["Scatterbrain" Jane walks by the open office door]
Jane: Hi, Cyril. (laughing and coughing)
Cyril: Well...
Lana: Scatterbrain Jane?! Really?
Cyril: Well, see, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Lana: Oh right, I forgot, your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
Cyril: Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.
Lana: Yep.
TV Show: Archer
Krieger: [as his mechanical robot hand chokes Cheryl] Oh, God! Sorry!
[He shuts the hand off]
Cheryl: What are you doing?!
Krieger: I thought you said "start slacking off."
Cheryl: Not "slacking off"!
[He shuts the hand off]
Cheryl: What are you doing?!
Krieger: I thought you said "start slacking off."
Cheryl: Not "slacking off"!
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: Why are you even here?
Ray: Hello... [holding up number]
Cyril: But your were gay!
Ray: Girl please, nobody's that gay.
Ray: Hello... [holding up number]
Cyril: But your were gay!
Ray: Girl please, nobody's that gay.
TV Show: Archer
Anka: I'm from Germany, where the age of consent is 14.
Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
Archer: What is it, the Alabama of Europe?
TV Show: Archer
Lana: Was that before or after you got caught fondling a teenager?
Archer: Well, obviously before; after was all gendarmes and dick stitches.
Archer: Well, obviously before; after was all gendarmes and dick stitches.
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: Trust me, you can't control a persons heart.
Krieger: You can with a little thing I call a deep cycle marine battery, or LSD.
Cheryl: Is that what you've been giving me?
Krieger: ....yes
Cheryl: I just thought they were breath strips!
Krieger: You can with a little thing I call a deep cycle marine battery, or LSD.
Cheryl: Is that what you've been giving me?
Krieger: ....yes
Cheryl: I just thought they were breath strips!
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: These are from a doctor!
Cheryl: Krieger's a doctor.
Cyril: Not the medical kind.
Krieger: Not even the other kind, technically.
Cheryl: Krieger's a doctor.
Cyril: Not the medical kind.
Krieger: Not even the other kind, technically.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Cyril, better pill up you're assisting Krieger with the surgery.
Cyril: Why me?
Archer: You're good at math.
Cyril: How's that supposed to help?
Archer: Can't hurt.
Cyril: Why me?
Archer: You're good at math.
Cyril: How's that supposed to help?
Archer: Can't hurt.
TV Show: Archer
Lana: So as far as Archer is concerned, I feel like I dodged the world's most dysfunctional bullet.
Cheryl: Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?
[Brief shots of Lana walking in on Cyril having sex with Scatterbrain Jane, Framboise, and Cheryl (whom he is choking); Cyril is looking up and nervously saying "Hello" in each one]
Lana: Couple things...
[She lunges at Cheryl. They fight throughout the following]
Cheryl: Bring it!
Ray: Yeah, we are code blue here.
Pam: Hey. yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.
Ray: No, I meant, like, for her face...
Cheryl: [To Lana] Choke me!
Pam: No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
Ray: Oh my god yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?
Pam: Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.
Lana: [letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.
Cheryl: Ohhhhh, I think I just did.
Cheryl: Yeah, but Cyril was... oh wait, did he have some sort of character flaw?
[Brief shots of Lana walking in on Cyril having sex with Scatterbrain Jane, Framboise, and Cheryl (whom he is choking); Cyril is looking up and nervously saying "Hello" in each one]
Lana: Couple things...
[She lunges at Cheryl. They fight throughout the following]
Cheryl: Bring it!
Ray: Yeah, we are code blue here.
Pam: Hey. yeah, blue! Like for baby boys.
Ray: No, I meant, like, for her face...
Cheryl: [To Lana] Choke me!
Pam: No, like for let's have a baby shower for Trinette and the wee baby Seamus.
Ray: Oh my god yes! But your place is disgusting, so where could we have it?
Pam: Well, Archer's got that bangin' pad.
Lana: [letting up on Cheryl] He'll hate that. I wanna come.
Cheryl: Ohhhhh, I think I just did.
TV Show: Archer
Trinette: Ew, what is this? Homemade salad dressing?
Dr. Krieger: Breast milk.
Trinette: Ew! I actually...have my own.
Dr. Krieger: So...you won't need this.
[Grabs jar and walks away]
Cheryl: Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.
Trinette: What, what kind of shit gift is that?!
Pam: Yeah, I made mine.
Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!
Archer: [with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.
Dr. Krieger: Me too!
...
Trinette: [holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.
Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!
Dr. Krieger: Breast milk.
Trinette: Ew! I actually...have my own.
Dr. Krieger: So...you won't need this.
[Grabs jar and walks away]
Cheryl: Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags and a book about SIDS.
Trinette: What, what kind of shit gift is that?!
Pam: Yeah, I made mine.
Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!
Archer: [with Woodhouse] That's disgusting. If I wanted to look at your bare feet, Woodhouse, I'd sneak in and do it while you were asleep.
Dr. Krieger: Me too!
...
Trinette: [holding Seamus] Somebody's got a full diaper.
Dr. Krieger: [shouting from distance] Me too!
TV Show: Archer
Archer: WOOOHOOOOOOO!!! THIS MUST BE WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH ME!
Lana: HOW CAN AN AIR BOAT BE SELFISH?!
Lana: HOW CAN AN AIR BOAT BE SELFISH?!
TV Show: Archer
Archer: She gets dinner in Dixieland and laid. And I get mosquitoes and no beer and not laid. How could this get any... [alligator surfaces and growls] LET ME FINISH... worse. You ruined it. You ruined the moment.
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: You know tontines are illegal.
Pam: So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...
Cyril: ...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...
Pam: ...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.
Cyril: Yeah, here are some more claims forms.
Pam: And how long you think this one's gonna be around?
[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]
Cyril: Yeah, count me in.
Pam: So are all kinds of shit, but look at these odds. Half the people that work here are field agents...
Cyril: ...who get killed in the line of duty all the time! And the control room...
Pam: ...is just one great big asbestos lawsuit waitin' to happen.
Cyril: Yeah, here are some more claims forms.
Pam: And how long you think this one's gonna be around?
[Indicating Cheryl/Carol, who's drinking rubber cement]
Cyril: Yeah, count me in.
TV Show: Archer
Reggie: You scoundral. Is that brandy?
Woodhouse: Oh no sir, just water.
Reggie: Water? Oh, never touched the stuff. Fish fuck in it.
Woodhouse: Oh no sir, just water.
Reggie: Water? Oh, never touched the stuff. Fish fuck in it.
TV Show: Archer
Pam: Frickin' head's poundin', I'm sweatin' booze and my head's killin' me!
Cheryl: You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.
Pam: Personal best!
Cheryl: You're the one who stuffed four pool balls in it.
Pam: Personal best!
TV Show: Archer
Cyril: So how about I take a look at it? I'm sure I could kill that pesky ol' worm.
Lana: How? You gonna disappoint it to death?
Lana: How? You gonna disappoint it to death?
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: And now we're on the brink of World War Two.
Pam: Three.
Cheryl: It's not a competition, Pam!
Pam: Three.
Cheryl: It's not a competition, Pam!
TV Show: Archer