Archer Quotes
Pam: Oh, come on! Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?
Ray Gillette: No! Well, except Randy Muckler who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft. So, I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands? A booby trap blew his arms off.
Ray Gillette: No! Well, except Randy Muckler who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft. So, I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands? A booby trap blew his arms off.
TV Show: Archer
Pam: So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation...what should we called it?
Cheryl/Carol: Dick Sledge.
Ray: You wanna...
Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl/Carol: Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...
Pam: Sploosh!
Ray: Jinx.
Cheryl/Carol: ...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...
Pam: You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...
Cheryl/Carol: Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam: Why'd you have a knife?!
Cheryl/Carol: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!
Pam: Holy shitsnacks.
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.
Cheryl/Carol: Dick Sledge.
Ray: You wanna...
Pam: No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Cheryl/Carol: Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...
Pam: Sploosh!
Ray: Jinx.
Cheryl/Carol: ...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...
Pam: You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...
Cheryl/Carol: Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Pam: Why'd you have a knife?!
Cheryl/Carol: I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!
Pam: Holy shitsnacks.
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: Why not?
Cyril: Because it's just not believable that this guy—who also can not be named Cassius—would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
Malory: So make her forty.
Cyril: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point!
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.
Cyril: Because it's just not believable that this guy—who also can not be named Cassius—would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
Malory: So make her forty.
Cyril: Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Malory: Me! That's the whole point!
Cyril: You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.
TV Show: Archer
Ray: [loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out—no snooping.
Pam: [wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...
Cheryl/Carol: Tons of cock porn lying around?
Pam: I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.
Ray: How do you forget?
Pam: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Ray: Why would you think it's okay to share that?
Pam: [wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...
Cheryl/Carol: Tons of cock porn lying around?
Pam: I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.
Ray: How do you forget?
Pam: You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Ray: Why would you think it's okay to share that?
TV Show: Archer
Sterling Archer: Come, Kriegerbots, avenge your fallen comrade! What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?
TV Show: Archer
Rona: [with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!
Lana: Well unless there's a sniper in it...
Rona: Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!
[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl/Carol, whose hands are behind her back]
Ray: We are! We're complying!
Cop: You! Get your fricking hands up!
Cheryl/Carol: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl/Carol: No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
Lana: Well unless there's a sniper in it...
Rona: Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!
[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl/Carol, whose hands are behind her back]
Ray: We are! We're complying!
Cop: You! Get your fricking hands up!
Cheryl/Carol: You're not my supervisor!
Pam: Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.
Cheryl/Carol: No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
Ray: I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Cheryl/Carol: Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: If I cared what you did on a weekend I'd put a shotgun in my mouth and pull the trigger with my toes.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: [Holding a radioactive vial] Looking for this? Or maybe the lead container I probably should've kept it in?
TV Show: Archer
Archer: It's a pink ribbon, I have breast cancer.
Brett: [Laughing] Seriously, breast cancer?
Archer: Yes.
Brett: Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
Archer: [Laughing weakly] Excuse me.
[He leaps on Brett and starts punching him.]
Archer: [Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually!
Cyril: Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.
Brett: [Laughing] Seriously, breast cancer?
Archer: Yes.
Brett: Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
Archer: [Laughing weakly] Excuse me.
[He leaps on Brett and starts punching him.]
Archer: [Between punches] I'm trying... to stay positive... both mentally... and spiritually!
Cyril: Well he certainly doesn't have cancer in his fists.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: Wow, what a pussy. I could barely even keep up, he was spilling the beans so fast.
Lana: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.
Archer: Well excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
Lana: Well, you threatened to shove a knife up his dick hole. Which, again, ick.
Archer: Well excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: Why would anyone want to kidnap you?
Cheryl: Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.
Archer: Tum again?
Cheryl: Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.
Archer: Tum again?
TV Show: Archer
Lana: Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.
Malory: Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open...are they?
[Cut to garage]
Archer: Yes!
Ray: Why?!
Archer: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Ray: Is it working?
Archer: Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
Ray: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I'm not!
Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Malory: Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open...are they?
[Cut to garage]
Archer: Yes!
Ray: Why?!
Archer: Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Ray: Is it working?
Archer: Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
Ray: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I'm not!
Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: You're a moped.
Pam: How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Pam: How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?
Cheryl: Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
TV Show: Archer
Cheryl: I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently slavery was pretty awesome.
Malory: Prove it.
Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
Malory: Prove it.
Archer: What's to prove? It's free labor.
TV Show: Archer
Malory: I don't care if it's a Wehrmacht reunion party, this isn't my first Grand Prix you know.
TV Show: Archer
Ray: Viola!
Malory: No! I am not sharing a room with you!
Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Ray: Hey! You know what?
Lana: Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...
Malory: Exactly, two of you.
Ray: Eh, squeeze me?
Malory: No! I am not sharing a room with you!
Ray: No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.
Malory: Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?
Ray: Hey! You know what?
Lana: Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...
Malory: Exactly, two of you.
Ray: Eh, squeeze me?
TV Show: Archer
Malory: Oh don't worry. He may be a vein, selfish, lying, and quite possibly alcoholic man whore, but gambling is one vice Sterling doesn't have.
Archer: Uh, I guess it's cause he's doing all that other awesome stuff, thanks mother.
Archer: Uh, I guess it's cause he's doing all that other awesome stuff, thanks mother.
TV Show: Archer
Benoit: Impossible madam, all my bellhops have been taken prisoner by the Wehrmacht.
TV Show: Archer
Russian: Come on, we don't have all night
Archer: Yea right, like you've got plans.
Russian: Good bye, Mr. Archer
Archer: Hey. Fuck you, you douche bag.
Archer: Yea right, like you've got plans.
Russian: Good bye, Mr. Archer
Archer: Hey. Fuck you, you douche bag.
TV Show: Archer
Archer: [sounding like Cyril] Hello...
Malory: What in the prepaid venereal disease do you think your doing?
Archer: I.. uh...
Katya: Darling, I know she is old, but you allow such talk from your secretary?
Malory: What in the prepaid venereal disease do you think your doing?
Archer: I.. uh...
Katya: Darling, I know she is old, but you allow such talk from your secretary?
TV Show: Archer