Are You Being Served? Quotes
Captain Stephen Peacock: Miss Brahms...?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock. I'm late.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are fifteen minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was fifteen minutes late?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The store would open at quarter past.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms. Captain Peacock is quite within his rights to dress you down.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Have you an explanation?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes. It's Friday. I haven't got any money. And I couldn't afford the bus fare. I had to hitchhike.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well you should have left home earlier.
Miss Shirley Brahms: I did. I stood on the corner, and lifted my skirt and showed a bit of stocking like Marilyn Monroe did in "Bus Stop".
Captain Stephen Peacock: What happened?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The bus crashed and I had to make a statement.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: The same thing happened to me once, with a Centurion tank.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe, or were you driving it?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes, I know, Captain Peacock. I'm late.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Not good enough, Miss Brahms. You are fifteen minutes late. What would happen if everybody else was fifteen minutes late?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The store would open at quarter past.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Don't be cheeky, Miss Brahms. Captain Peacock is quite within his rights to dress you down.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Have you an explanation?
Miss Shirley Brahms: Yes. It's Friday. I haven't got any money. And I couldn't afford the bus fare. I had to hitchhike.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Well you should have left home earlier.
Miss Shirley Brahms: I did. I stood on the corner, and lifted my skirt and showed a bit of stocking like Marilyn Monroe did in "Bus Stop".
Captain Stephen Peacock: What happened?
Miss Shirley Brahms: The bus crashed and I had to make a statement.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: The same thing happened to me once, with a Centurion tank.
Captain Stephen Peacock: Were you trying to stop it, Mrs. Slocombe, or were you driving it?
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Mash: Psst! Oi!
Mrs. Slocombe: Is that the way you usually attract a lady's attention, Mr. Mash?
Mr. Mash: No. Usually, I go up from behind and go... way-hey-hey!
Mrs. Slocombe: Is that the way you usually attract a lady's attention, Mr. Mash?
Mr. Mash: No. Usually, I go up from behind and go... way-hey-hey!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: They're not even looking like they used to. I mean, there was a time when you'd go up to a customer, say "Excuse me, Sir, are you being served?", and they'd say "no, just looking". Now they don't even come in. It's most frustrating, isn't it, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most frustrating. Trousers are at a complete stand still.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Most frustrating. Trousers are at a complete stand still.
Mr. Wilberforce Clayborne Humphries: You're lucky to get your tape up once a day.
Mrs. Betty Slocombe: Well, my corsets have been down for over a fortnight.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs. Slocombe: [seductively on the phone] Hello, Captain Peacock. This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: [on the phone] Would you mind repeating that?
Mrs. Slocombe: This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what I thought you said. I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer?
Mrs. Slocombe: [sly laugh] Naughty boy. Customer, indeed? Now, I'm not promising you anything, but I'll meet you outside at five thirty.
Captain Stephen Peacock: How shall I know you?
Mrs. Slocombe: [in her normal voice] What do you mean, how shall you know me? You sent me the note.
Captain Stephen Peacock: To whom am I speaking?
Mrs. Slocombe: Do you mean you really don't know?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no idea.
Mrs. Slocombe: Thank heaven for that. [hangs up the phone]
Captain Stephen Peacock: [on the phone] Would you mind repeating that?
Mrs. Slocombe: This is Sexy Knickers.
Captain Stephen Peacock: That's what I thought you said. I beg your pardon, but am I speaking to a customer?
Mrs. Slocombe: [sly laugh] Naughty boy. Customer, indeed? Now, I'm not promising you anything, but I'll meet you outside at five thirty.
Captain Stephen Peacock: How shall I know you?
Mrs. Slocombe: [in her normal voice] What do you mean, how shall you know me? You sent me the note.
Captain Stephen Peacock: To whom am I speaking?
Mrs. Slocombe: Do you mean you really don't know?
Captain Stephen Peacock: I have no idea.
Mrs. Slocombe: Thank heaven for that. [hangs up the phone]
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs. Slocombe: [putting the Bridal Veil on the customer's head] There. How's that?
The Bridal Veil: It's a bit thick, isn't it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it looks lovely from our side.
The Bridal Veil: I can't see.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you'll have someone holding your arm.
The Bridal Veil: But he won't recognize me.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, he'll know your voice, won't he?
Miss Brahms: Think of the surprise he's gonna get when he lifts it up.
Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.
The Bridal Veil: It's a bit thick, isn't it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it looks lovely from our side.
The Bridal Veil: I can't see.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, you'll have someone holding your arm.
The Bridal Veil: But he won't recognize me.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, he'll know your voice, won't he?
Miss Brahms: Think of the surprise he's gonna get when he lifts it up.
Mrs. Slocombe: That'll do, Miss Brahms.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs. Slocombe: Captain Peacock, are you free?
Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Peacock: Certainly.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
Captain Peacock: Ah.
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long. [Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears... [whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
Miss Shirley Brah
Captain Peacock: At the moment, yes.
Mrs. Slocombe: Could I have a word with you?
Captain Peacock: Certainly.
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, it's rather personal.
Captain Peacock: Ah.
Mrs. Slocombe: Miss Brahms has just been and it's frozen over.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mrs. Slocombe: The ladies. It's solid.
Captain Peacock: I see. But what exactly do you expect me to do about it?
Mrs. Slocombe: Well, I thought I'd ask you if umm... we could use the gents. It's rather urgent.
Captain Peacock: Yes, well, I'll uh have a word with Mr. Grainger. You must go through the right channels, you know.
Mrs. Slocombe: Yeah, well, don't be too long. [Miss Brahm's mouths "But it's cold"]
Captain Peacock: Are you free, Mr. Grainger?
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Err, yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.
Captain Peacock: Umm, a slightly delicate situation has arisen. It appears... [whispers what has had happened into Mr. Grainger's ear]
Mrs. Slocombe: He's asking Grainger.
Miss Shirley Brahms: Oh, fancy telling Grainger I wanted to go.
Mr. Ernest Grainger: Yes, I understand, Captain Peacock. Of course, I shall have to consult my colleagues. Mr. Humphries, Mr. Lucas, are you free?
Mr Humphries, Mr. Dick Lucas: [both together] We're free.
Mrs. Slocombe: Ooh, he'll be sending for Doctor Kissinger in a minute.
Miss Shirley Brah
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: Mr. Grainger, did you write this note?
MR. GRAINGER: Write it? I don't even understand it!
MR. HUMPHRIES: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger wouldn't write "Dear Sexy Knickers", yould would have said " Dear Sexy Bloomers" wouldn't you?
MR. GRAINGER: I would very much doubt it.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: Did you write the note, Mr. Humphries?
MR. HUMPHRIES: No, but thanks for the compliment.
MR. GRAINGER: Write it? I don't even understand it!
MR. HUMPHRIES: Certainly not, Mr. Grainger wouldn't write "Dear Sexy Knickers", yould would have said " Dear Sexy Bloomers" wouldn't you?
MR. GRAINGER: I would very much doubt it.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: Did you write the note, Mr. Humphries?
MR. HUMPHRIES: No, but thanks for the compliment.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Why anyone would want to buy a women's magazine with a centerfold of a nude man is beyond me.
MISS BRAHMS: Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.
MISS BRAHMS: Well, I thought Burt Reynolds looked quite sexy.
MRS. SLOCOMBE: Well, you couldn't see anything; his arm was in the way.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
MISS BRAHMS: (on the telephone, thinking she's speaking with Captain Peacock): If I have anymore of your ol' guff, I'll have you on the carpet.
MR. GRAINGER: (hanging up, dumbstruck): Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.
MR. GRAINGER: (hanging up, dumbstruck): Some lady wants to have me on the carpet.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
MISS BRAHMS: What's on?
MR. LUCAS: Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin...I've seen Bambi.
MR. LUCAS: Well, there's Bambi in Studio Two, then around the corner there's The Unsatisfied Virgin...I've seen Bambi.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs Granger: That's Young Mr Grace?
Mr Granger: Old Mr Grace doesn't get about very much.
Mr Granger: Old Mr Grace doesn't get about very much.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Miss Brahms: You ready?
Mrs Slocombe: No,no i can nip it in a bit more yet (breathes in) NOW! (Miss Brahms checks the tape measure) What is it?
Miss Brahms: 77
Mrs Slocombe: Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric
Miss Brahms: Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares
Mrs Slocombe: Centipedes Miss Brahms.
Mrs Slocombe: No,no i can nip it in a bit more yet (breathes in) NOW! (Miss Brahms checks the tape measure) What is it?
Miss Brahms: 77
Mrs Slocombe: Oh, don't it sound a lot in metric
Miss Brahms: Yes, well you've put on four whatever-they-ares
Mrs Slocombe: Centipedes Miss Brahms.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Mash: "Well it's common sense innit? Nobody sticks an onion under their arm without peeling it, do they?"
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Miss Brahms: Well it's either that or take him with me mum's washings to the launderette.
Mr. Lucas: I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.
Mr. Lucas: I'm not going there again. I've seen more of your mother's underwear there than I have of yours.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
(Young) Mr. Grace: Well I'll be one tight long, I always go to the club on Tuesday evening.
Mr. Rumbold: Oh, oh yes, the Bridge Club..
(Young) Mr. Grace: No, no, no, the strip club.
Mr. Rumbold: Oh, oh yes, the Bridge Club..
(Young) Mr. Grace: No, no, no, the strip club.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs. Slocombe: I won't forget being thrown flat on my back on Clapham Common by a landmine. And the German Air Force was responsible.
Mr. Lucas: All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.
Mr. Lucas: All the other times she was flat on her back, the American Air Force was responsible.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
[On having to stay for a meeting after working hours]
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt.
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, this sort of thing just isn't fair on my pussy. She has a go at the furniture if I'm not there prompt.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Grainger: I can't wait more than ten minutes because I'm having a bath tonight
Mr. Humphries: Oh, it's treats!
Mr. Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often
Mr. Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs Grainger, are you?
Mr. Grainger: I don't find that amusing!
Mr. Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I
Mr. Humphries: Oh, it's treats!
Mr. Grainger: Well, I can't get the old boiler working very often
Mr. Lucas: Having a bath with Mrs Grainger, are you?
Mr. Grainger: I don't find that amusing!
Mr. Lucas: Come to think of it, neither would I
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs. Slocombe: You know, there's only two things I like about Germany: Curt Jurgens and Gorgonzola.
Miss Brahms: Gorgonzola isn't German!
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!
Miss Brahms: Gorgonzola isn't German!
Mrs. Slocombe: Oh. Then there's only one thing I like... No! I tell a lie. I like Irving Berlin!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Lucas: Here, listen to this, you'll never guess what the German word for "cuff links" are.
Mr. Humphries: What?
Mr. Lucas: Manschettenknopf.
Mr. Humphries: I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.
Mr. Humphries: What?
Mr. Lucas: Manschettenknopf.
Mr. Humphries: I don't expect they'll sell any with a name like that.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Grainger: This is a funny name for a sweater: Mit dir hand go wäschen.
Captain Peacock: That means: Wash by hand.
Mr. Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Capt. Peacock.
Captain Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.
Captain Peacock: That means: Wash by hand.
Mr. Lucas: It's a good thing you parley the Deutsch, Capt. Peacock.
Captain Peacock: I had to study it during the war, you know.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Mash: Ausfahrt.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Mash: Ausfahrt. What's that mean, then?
Captain Peacock: The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.
Captain Peacock: I beg your pardon?
Mr. Mash: Ausfahrt. What's that mean, then?
Captain Peacock: The way out, Mr. Mash, and I suggest you take that one, as we open in a few moments.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs Slocombe: I'm not selling German Sex Knickers
Captain Peacock: 'Sechs' is just the German word for six
Miss Brahms: What do they use for sex?
Mr. Mash: Same as they use everywhere else
Captain Peacock: 'Sechs' is just the German word for six
Miss Brahms: What do they use for sex?
Mr. Mash: Same as they use everywhere else
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Mash: Here you are Mrs Slocombe twelve bras.
Mrs Slocombe: I wonder what the german is for them...BUSTENHALTER?(Miss Brahms pulls out a very big bra) Blimey whatever size is that?
Miss Brahms: It says here clean
Captain Peacock: 'Klein' Miss Brahms, it means small
Mrs Slocombe: They're well built those german girls
Mrs Slocombe: I wonder what the german is for them...BUSTENHALTER?(Miss Brahms pulls out a very big bra) Blimey whatever size is that?
Miss Brahms: It says here clean
Captain Peacock: 'Klein' Miss Brahms, it means small
Mrs Slocombe: They're well built those german girls
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Rumbold: Oh, Miss Thorpe, where's the maintenance file?
Miss Thorpe: You mean the one marked 'Decoration'?
Mr Rumbold: Yes.
Miss Thorpe: I filed it yesterday under 'A'.
Mr Rumbold: Under 'A'?
Miss Thorpe: Yes, I file most things under 'A'.
Mr Rumbold: I don't quite follow.
Miss Thorpe: Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.
Captain Peacock: A very difficult way of finding anything.
Miss Thorpe: You mean the one marked 'Decoration'?
Mr Rumbold: Yes.
Miss Thorpe: I filed it yesterday under 'A'.
Mr Rumbold: Under 'A'?
Miss Thorpe: Yes, I file most things under 'A'.
Mr Rumbold: I don't quite follow.
Miss Thorpe: Well, A letter, A sales report, A customer's complaint.
Captain Peacock: A very difficult way of finding anything.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
[to telephone customer]
Mr Humphries: We'll do your inside leg.
[Aside to Lucas]
Mr Humphries: This should be fun.
Mr Lucas: You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.
Mr Humphries: We'll do your inside leg.
[Aside to Lucas]
Mr Humphries: This should be fun.
Mr Lucas: You ought to be careful. You know it's an offense to make dirty phone calls.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
[Captain Peacock beckons Mrs. Slocombe with a wave]
Mrs Slocombe: I do not respond to waves.
Miss Brahms: What about that man you met on your holiday?
Mrs Slocombe: Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!
Mrs Slocombe: I do not respond to waves.
Miss Brahms: What about that man you met on your holiday?
Mrs Slocombe: Ah, that was different; he was waving from his yacht!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas: One for them and one for us, One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr. Humphries and Mr. Lucas: All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: How thoughtful of Grace Brothers to leave the doors open, so that we, the customers can actually get in to buy things.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?