Are You Being Served? Quotes
MRS SLOCOMBE: Is there no demand for mechanical pussies?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: I'm told people prefer the real thing.
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: I'm told people prefer the real thing.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Humphries: [Humphries comes in in a plastic bag that covers all of his body except his face] Before you say anything, I've got to use this because me mother's got me raincoat to queue up for her diability pension. I borrowed it off a very nice punk girl rocker that lives next door. It was her bridal gown.
Mrs Slocombe: Don't tell me she got married in that.
Mr Humphries: Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somwhere to squat.
Mrs Slocombe: Don't tell me she got married in that.
Mr Humphries: Married? She lived in it for a week with the groom before they found somwhere to squat.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs Slocombe: Oh, I'm better for that. What's been happening?
Mr Humphries: Well, Mrs Peacock love Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.
Mrs Slocombe: Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.
Captain Peacock: Mrs Slocombe, since the maintainence men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?
Mr Humphries: Well, Mrs Peacock love Captain Peacock, and Captain Peacock, alias Jack the Lad loves Mrs Peacock, although he's got a very strange way of showing it. And Mr Rumbold, it appears, was just masquerading, and I know from long experience that only leads to trouble. Ooh, and the maintenance men who have the wherewithal to open the locked window have just come out the pub.
Mrs Slocombe: Ooh, isn't that wonderful, Captain Peacock? All's well that ends well.
Captain Peacock: Mrs Slocombe, since the maintainence men have just got on a 47 Bus, what makes you think it's all going to end well?
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Staff: Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons, Grace Brothers unfair to salespersons.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs Slocombe: Oh, I've dropped the pot!
Mr Spooner: I think we've attracted attention, all right.
Mr Humphries: Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.
Mr Spooner: I think we've attracted attention, all right.
Mr Humphries: Somehow, I don't think a red policeman is not going to be on our side.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Miss Brahms: You know, you're life isn't like Jackanory at all, it's more like Blue Peter.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Humphries: (recognizing the fireman) You!
Fireman: You!
Mr Humphries: What's happened to the Benedictine monastery?
Fireman: Well, it's a long story.
Mr Humphries: You can tell me on the way down. Alley-oop!
Fireman: You!
Mr Humphries: What's happened to the Benedictine monastery?
Fireman: Well, it's a long story.
Mr Humphries: You can tell me on the way down. Alley-oop!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
CAPTAIN PEACOCK: Well, it's Mrs Slocombe at the top of the stairs, followed by Miss Brahms. Behind her, Mr Klein and myself, then Mr Humphries. And outside on the street, Mr Spooner.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs. Slocombe (to Miss Brahms after the latter has caught her in the fitting room hitting the bottle): I'm just taking me slimming pill; only I've run out of water, and I can't bear neat gin.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
[Mrs. Slocombe, suitably fortified with gin and tonic, deals with a customer wishing to return a cardigan.]
Customer: I'm going to take your name!
Mrs. Slocombe: I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.
Customer: Well, in that case, I…I shall remember your face!
[Mrs. Slocombe makes a face at the customer.]
Customer: I'm going to take your name!
Mrs. Slocombe: I'm sorry, madam, we're not allowed to give names.
Customer: Well, in that case, I…I shall remember your face!
[Mrs. Slocombe makes a face at the customer.]
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Spooner (discussing Mrs. Slocombe's "fatal attraction" with Mr. Humphries): Do you think she wants something?
Humphries: I hope not.
Humphries: I hope not.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Humphries: Quite a lot of ladies have thought twice about me. Trouble is, it's the second thought that puts them off!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Spooner (at the ballet): Have they all forgotten the words?
Klein: They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant birk!
Klein: They don't have words in ballet, you ignorant birk!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Rumbold: Mr Humphries, why are you different from the others?
Mr Humphries: Do you know, a lot of people ask that. Apparently, this was made for Mrs Thatcher but when she got there, she said she wanted to be treated like any other woman going down a mine... and she was.
Mr Humphries: Do you know, a lot of people ask that. Apparently, this was made for Mrs Thatcher but when she got there, she said she wanted to be treated like any other woman going down a mine... and she was.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Spooner: Now I know why the miners said "One out, the lot out"
Captain Peacock: I say that hasn't cooled me down at all.
Mrs Slocombe: Put it away, Miss Brahms.
Captain Peacock: I say that hasn't cooled me down at all.
Mrs Slocombe: Put it away, Miss Brahms.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Old Mr Grace: Happy birthday, dear brother.
Young Mr Grace: It's not my birthday, you silly old fool. No wonder the department is losing money.
Young Mr Grace: It's not my birthday, you silly old fool. No wonder the department is losing money.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Rumbold: I see. Well can you find a B-flat in there?
Mr Harman: Certainly sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian guitar or the bassbassoon?
Mr Rumbold: What on earth does that sound like?
(Low parp)
Mr Harman: Certainly sir. Would you like it on the flute, the horn, the Hawaiian guitar or the bassbassoon?
Mr Rumbold: What on earth does that sound like?
(Low parp)
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs Slocombe: It's something I do at home.
Mr Humphries: Well, that narrows things down a bit, doesn't it?
Mr Humphries: Well, that narrows things down a bit, doesn't it?
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mrs Slocombe: Mr Spooner, if you're cheeky to me during working hours, you can expect a reprimand. However, any of your lip before we open and you'll get my umbrella up your hooter.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Captain Peacock: As that was the opening bell, a reprimand is all we can allow.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Miss Belfridge: Mr Rumbold, I must speak to you. There's a man in a blue overcoat looking through the window in your office.
Mr Rumbold: Well what's so strange about that?
Miss Belfridge: He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.
Mr Rumbold: Good heavens!
Mr Rumbold: Well what's so strange about that?
Miss Belfridge: He's outside and we're on the fourth floor.
Mr Rumbold: Good heavens!
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Spooner: Cor, who was that?
Captain Peacock: His new secretary.
Miss Brahms: Huh, bet they're paying 'her out for the electricity bill.
Captain Peacock (realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about): Blue overcoat?
Mrs Slocombe: Mr Humphries!
Miss Brahms: Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.
Mr Spooner (mock surprise): Ooh, not in those trousers.
Captain Peacock: His new secretary.
Miss Brahms: Huh, bet they're paying 'her out for the electricity bill.
Captain Peacock (realising who Miss Belfridge is talking about): Blue overcoat?
Mrs Slocombe: Mr Humphries!
Miss Brahms: Ooh, he's never climbed that drainpipe.
Mr Spooner (mock surprise): Ooh, not in those trousers.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Humphries: About time, too. It's very draughty out here. Up a bit, George.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Mr Humphries: This is as far as I go. Thanks for the lift. Oh...
Mr Rumbold: This is most irregular.
Mr Humphries: I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift. (Walks to the door but stops just as Mrs Slocombe realizes...)
Mrs Slocombe: There's white paint on the back of your coat.
Mr Humphries: That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.
Mr Rumbold: This is most irregular.
Mr Humphries: I was just only using my initiative. I knew that the outside of the building was being painted, and after a little light banter with the workmen every morning, I took the advantage of their kind offer of a lift. (Walks to the door but stops just as Mrs Slocombe realizes...)
Mrs Slocombe: There's white paint on the back of your coat.
Mr Humphries: That must have been where I lost my nerve and he tried to steady me. D'you know I've no head for heights. And he was well over six foot tall.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Miss Yardswick: National Associated Canteen Employees, Restaraunt and Domesticated.
Mr Humphries: 'Knackered.' I might have guessed.
Mr Humphries: 'Knackered.' I might have guessed.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?
Miss Brahms: Here, Captain Peacock, have you asked Rumbold yet about selling the perfume?
Captain Peacock: No. He's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.
Miss Slocombe: I bet she can't type with more than one finger.
Captain Peacock: That's exactly what my wife said when I showed her the photo.
Miss Brahms: What photo?
Captain Peacock: Oh er... in the senior staff magazine. Here. "Menswear News. Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C Rumbold's temporary secretary" Look.
[Photo shows Miss Belfridge in a bathing suit]
Miss Brahms: She's in a bathing costume!
Mrs Slocombe: Just.
Captain Peacock: Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.
Miss Brahms: Huh. Bet old jug ears didn't dare show that to his missus.
Captain Peacock: Not if he has any sense. Mine was even worried she was on the same floor as me.
Mrs Slocombe: Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.
Captain Peacock: (chuckles)
Mrs Slocombe: Well you used to.
Captain Peacock: No. He's busy showing Miss Belfridge the ropes.
Miss Slocombe: I bet she can't type with more than one finger.
Captain Peacock: That's exactly what my wife said when I showed her the photo.
Miss Brahms: What photo?
Captain Peacock: Oh er... in the senior staff magazine. Here. "Menswear News. Miss B. Belfridge wins top position as C Rumbold's temporary secretary" Look.
[Photo shows Miss Belfridge in a bathing suit]
Miss Brahms: She's in a bathing costume!
Mrs Slocombe: Just.
Captain Peacock: Well, it does liven up an otherwise abysmally dull publication.
Miss Brahms: Huh. Bet old jug ears didn't dare show that to his missus.
Captain Peacock: Not if he has any sense. Mine was even worried she was on the same floor as me.
Mrs Slocombe: Well, you do have quite a reputation, Stephen.
Captain Peacock: (chuckles)
Mrs Slocombe: Well you used to.
TV Show: Are You Being Served?