Bad Grandpa Quotes
[from trailer] Billy: What's your stripper's stage name?
Adult bookstore clerk: Do I look like a stripper?
Billy: I'll just call you Cinnamon.
Adult bookstore clerk: Do I look like a stripper?
Billy: I'll just call you Cinnamon.
Movie: Bad Grandpa
[from trailer] Bicycle man: Don't hurt me! Don't hurt me!
Irving Zisman: Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!
Irving Zisman: Hurt you? I'm 86 years old!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Billy: [to moving truck crew after they helped load his grandmother's corpse into his grandpa's trunk]Thanks for the crime!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Billy: [to the grocery store employee]Sometimes he shits himself.
Irving Zisman: [turns to Billy]I don't shit myself, you little prick!
Irving Zisman: [turns to Billy]I don't shit myself, you little prick!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: You young ladies in the market for a nice bed?
Woman
1: No.
Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.
Woman
2: What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman: It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying? [chuckles]
Woman
1: No.
Irving Zisman: Seventy-five dollars.
Woman
2: What's so special about it?
Irving Zisman: It's got that special vibrating feature, you know what I'm saying? [chuckles]
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Billy: [after Irving defecates on the restaurant wall]EW, GRANDPA, YOU *SHARTED*!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [while making a ham sandwich in the store]Now, let's get some damn mustard.
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [to one of the male black strippers]So I bet you got a pretty big Tootsie Roll, huh?
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: Sir, can you help me? Can you help me, sir? I don't expect you to understand but I have my penis stuck in the soda machine!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [to Billy at the diner]Oh, man. I think all this bacon's getting to Grandpa. [farts]
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Billy: [while pushing his drunken grandpa in a shopping cart down the street]You shouldn't drink so much.
Irving Zisman: Pipe down! [moans]
Irving Zisman: Oh, God...
Billy: [keeps pushing the cart]Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
Irving Zisman: [mumbling]Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
Irving Zisman: Pipe down! [moans]
Irving Zisman: Oh, God...
Billy: [keeps pushing the cart]Do you have any idea how heavy you are?
Irving Zisman: [mumbling]Do you have any idea how I don't give a shit?
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: I may be too old to stir the gravy but I'm still old enough to lick the spoon, that's for damn sure! [chuckles]
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [about his deceased wife]She was a pain in my ass when we were married and she passed away, she's still being a pain in my ass!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [to a woman]You know when I was overseas, when you used to sleep with a prostitute, they would squeeze lime juice on your schmeckle to see if you had any diseases. And if you went, Ooooowww it means you got something 'cause the cuts burn. I never went Ooooowww but one time.
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [to the fast-food worker]We need some chickens and a big side of poontang! [laughs]
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [about a girl Billy knew]Was she your girlfriend?
Billy: Yeah...
Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?
Billy: A day.
Irving Zisman: [bursts out laughing]A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
Billy: Yeah...
Irving Zisman: How long did you go out with her?
Billy: A day.
Irving Zisman: [bursts out laughing]A day? Reminds me of most of my relationships!
Movie: Bad Grandpa
[first lines] Billy: [at the law office]You know what I wanna be when I grow up?
Lady: What?
Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
Lady: I'm sorry to hear that. [gives Billy an awkward look]
Lady: What?
Billy: A fisherman. I want to go fishing everyday 'till I'm rich so I can move right next to the jailhouse so I can be close to my mommy. She got arrested for drugs again, so she has to go back.
Lady: I'm sorry to hear that. [gives Billy an awkward look]
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Billy: [about his grandma]She passed away.
Woman: [gently]Oh dear, that's very sad.
Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman: [gasps]Jeez. My goodness!
Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
Woman: [gently]Oh dear, that's very sad.
Irving Zisman: Well, it's not so sad. She was kind of a bitch, but yeah.
Woman: [gasps]Jeez. My goodness!
Irving Zisman: Well, gotta call a spade a spade.
Movie: Bad Grandpa
Irving Zisman: [after putting his dead wife in his trunk]Can we say a prayer? Lord, please look after Billy and I on our journey with Ellie. And Lord, please look after these men because they were very sweet... and also accomplices to probably what was... technically a crime, but... we're not gonna say anything...
James: [walks away]Come on, man! Are you serious?
Irving Zisman: [continues with his prayer]In your name we pray. Amen.
James: [walks away]Come on, man! Are you serious?
Irving Zisman: [continues with his prayer]In your name we pray. Amen.
Movie: Bad Grandpa