Black Books Quotes
Bernard: Don't make me laugh... bitterly. Fran will fail, you will toil your life away and I will die alone upside down on the floor of a pub toilet.
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: [To Fran] You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I'm the Renaissance. She'll think I've lied! I've had to go along with all this "reclusive genius" stuff. She's going to be very upset when she finds out I'm just a reclusive wanker!
TV Show: Black Books
Manny: I won't do it.
Bernard: That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.
Bernard: That is a pity. Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they've all just gone up by a penny.
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: I've got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She'll be a summery girl. She'll have hair. She'll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She'll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I'll ditch her, because she's my summer girl!
TV Show: Black Books
[Bernard runs up to his 'summer girlfriend' wearing an accordion]
Bernard: Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.
Bernard: Hello! I've come to serenade you. I can't play guitar. I can't play this either, but I thought it'd be less obvious.
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: [Regarding a violent, ugly gangster - Danny] Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: Perhaps you'd like me to put the price down.
Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Customer: Two fifty.
Bernard: That's more like it. Now, being reasonable...[takes the book back and opens it] two fifty will get you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.
Customer: But you--
Bernard: [Hits bell] Thank you!
[Customer walks out]
Manny: Bernard...
Bernard: Don't start, customer lover.
Manny: I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
Bernard: What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
Manny: It needs doing.
Bernard: It's charming. It has character.
Manny: Character is, an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.
[A strange oinking noise coming from distance - Manny then moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]
Manny: They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes - by the way...
Bernard: You can paint with both hands. That's nice.
Manny: Well, I was kind of thinking...
Bernard: No, you weren't. You just thought you were thinking.
Customer: Well I was thinking two pounds.
Bernard: Because three pounds is just naked profiteering for a book of a mere... [checks the back pages of the book] 912 pages long. What'll I do with that extra pound? I'll add another acre to the grounds. I'll chuck a few more koi carp in my piano shaped pond. No, I know, I'll build a wing on the National Gallery with my name on it.
Customer: Two fifty.
Bernard: That's more like it. Now, being reasonable...[takes the book back and opens it] two fifty will get you...[rips a few pages out of the book] this much. You can come back and collect the rest when you have the other 50p.
Customer: But you--
Bernard: [Hits bell] Thank you!
[Customer walks out]
Manny: Bernard...
Bernard: Don't start, customer lover.
Manny: I was just going to say, I'm off to get the paint.
Bernard: What for? The shop's the way it is because it is the way it is. [Pause] If it wasn't the way it is, it wouldn't be the way it is.
Manny: It needs doing.
Bernard: It's charming. It has character.
Manny: Character is, an ambience, a feeling. It's not something with fur and a beak.
[A strange oinking noise coming from distance - Manny then moves over to a bookshelf, grabs a whip and kills the unseen monster, then adds a tally mark to the blackboard]
Manny: They've moved the nest again. I was going to get two brushes - by the way...
Bernard: You can paint with both hands. That's nice.
Manny: Well, I was kind of thinking...
Bernard: No, you weren't. You just thought you were thinking.
TV Show: Black Books
Manny: Bernard, where's the thing?
Bernard: It's on the thing on top of the thing!
Bernard: It's on the thing on top of the thing!
TV Show: Black Books
Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taverna in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.
TV Show: Black Books
Fran: You know, in Tibet, if they want something, do you know what they do? They give something away.
Bernard: They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
Bernard: They do, do they? That must be why they're such a dominant global power.
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: The only thing that's going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!
TV Show: Black Books
[Manny hands Fran bananas after she decides to sleep in Bernard's bed]
Fran: No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Manny: Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.
Fran: Why? What's under there?
Manny: Dunno. We just call it... the thing.
Fran: No thanks, I'm not hungry.
Manny: Oh no, they're not for you, just chuck them under the bed.
Fran: Why? What's under there?
Manny: Dunno. We just call it... the thing.
TV Show: Black Books
[After the disastrous holiday; recalling a dark voyage down a river]
Fran: At least the natives thought Manny was their God.
Manny: [Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
Bernard: [Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!
Fran: At least the natives thought Manny was their God.
Manny: [Thoughtfully] Yes, it'll be some time before I want to sacrifice another monkey.
Bernard: [Snapping and grabbing Manny's collar] WE SAID WE WOULDN'T TALK ABOUT CANADA!!
TV Show: Black Books
Manny: Do you have your keys?
Bernard: No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!
Manny: Ah.
Bernard: What do you mean 'Ah'?
Manny: It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.
Bernard: Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.
Fran: Oh, now look...
Bernard: And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!
Bernard: No. I left them in the bag, which you kindly unburdened us of by losing!
Manny: Ah.
Bernard: What do you mean 'Ah'?
Manny: It's just I think my keys may have been in there too.
Bernard: Were they? [chuckles] Funny thing, travel; it's just one thing after another. You're fired.
Fran: Oh, now look...
Bernard: And after I dislodge and return your thong, I never want to see you again either!
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard': [to Manny] GET AWAY FROM ME! It was a thrill to recreate with you, but now our association ends! You have brought nothing but pain, penury and strife into my days! I wish you good fortune in whatever avenue of life you assault with your presence. Here's your redundancy package: I'm sorry it's mostly in Phrenobian wooden dollars but that's largely your fault! Now, good luck and goodbye!
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: No, I don't accept your apology! Give it another thirty years, and take this [indicates Manny] with you!
Fran: Bernard...
Bernard: What?
Fran: Do you want to come outside?
Bernard: I'm cold! I've got tinnitus, chillblains and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!
Fran: Bernard...
Bernard: What?
Fran: Do you want to come outside?
Bernard: I'm cold! I've got tinnitus, chillblains and thrush! If you wanna fight, come inside!
TV Show: Black Books
Evan: I took a risk when I employed you, Manny...Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you! I took a risk when I gave you a job. A lot of people would have said, "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?"
TV Show: Black Books
Manny: [About Evan] Bernard! He wants my hair!
Bernard: [To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!
Bernard: [To Evan] How dare you?! Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head! Have you no respect? He's mine! Get your own human play-thing, you quartz-brained little cream puff!
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: [Looking at Manny through a hole in the wall] There. There he is. Half Iago. Half fumanchu. All bastard
TV Show: Black Books
Evan: Look at me, Manny. What do you see?
Manny: Well...
Evan: I’ll tell you. You see me and you say, "Hey, there’s Evan. He’s a young guy, he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter. Lets see how far I can push him." But you’ve let me down, Manny!
Manny: Well...
Evan: I’ll tell you. You see me and you say, "Hey, there’s Evan. He’s a young guy, he likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter. Lets see how far I can push him." But you’ve let me down, Manny!
TV Show: Black Books
Fran: Morning.
Bernard: [Spying on Manny through the wall again] He’s bending down now. Ah, look, he’s getting up again. I knew he’d do that.
Fran: Is this really helping?
Bernard: Look, now he’s going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.
Bernard: [Spying on Manny through the wall again] He’s bending down now. Ah, look, he’s getting up again. I knew he’d do that.
Fran: Is this really helping?
Bernard: Look, now he’s going up on that little ladder; up he goes with that little wiggle of his, the wiggle of Judas, the Judas boogie.
TV Show: Black Books
Fran: You always know when you're in for a good night when theres a polar bear bleeding on the label.
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...
Manny: Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-
Bernard: [hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!
Manny: Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes-
Bernard: [hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!
TV Show: Black Books
[Sitting at his desk with a typewriter]
Bernard: I'll co-write this with... myself!
[Pulls out a second typewriter]
Bernard: I'll co-write this with... myself!
[Pulls out a second typewriter]
TV Show: Black Books
Manny: Here is the elephant; he's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino : [shakes head drunkedly]: Look in the alligator's mouth,
Manny and Bernard: It's not there either!
Manny: Ooooh! The Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back, they all drink lemonade. The End!
Manny and Bernard: It's not there either!
Manny: Ooooh! The Monkey's got it in the tree! He brings it back, they all drink lemonade. The End!
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: But you hated school, you had a terrible time.
Fran: I've never said that!
Bernard: You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.
Fran: I've never said that!
Bernard: You don't have to say anything, I just look at your life now and work backwards.
TV Show: Black Books
Manny: I'll tell you where you should go, Venezuela. It's amazing
Jason: Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?
Manny: Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.
Jason: North or south?
Manny: North.
Jason: [Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.
Jason: Yeah, dear old Venny. Been there have you?
Manny: Yes, I have actually, yes. I went kayaking in the swamps of the Barracas.
Jason: North or south?
Manny: North.
Jason: [Dismissive] Ah, very nice, north. The tourist swamps.
TV Show: Black Books
Bernard: I don’t remember that.
Fran: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Bernard: ...no...
Fran: Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?
Bernard: Not especially, no.
Fran: It was in between those two things.
Fran: Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Bernard: ...no...
Fran: Okay, do you remember when you ran out of tobacco so you smoked your own pubic hair?
Bernard: Not especially, no.
Fran: It was in between those two things.
TV Show: Black Books