Blackadder Quotes
Bishop of Bath and Wells: I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me! Animal, vegetable or mineral – I'll do anything to anything!
Blackadder: Fine words for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on social issues.
Blackadder: Fine words for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on social issues.
TV Show: Blackadder
[The Bishop - about to use his poker on Blackadder's behind - has been given a drink by Baldrick]
Bishop of Bath and Wells: Bend over, Blackadder! This is where you get... [suddenly staggers back] DRUGGED?! BY GOD!
Blackadder: No, by Baldrick, actually; but the effect is much the same.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: Bend over, Blackadder! This is where you get... [suddenly staggers back] DRUGGED?! BY GOD!
Blackadder: No, by Baldrick, actually; but the effect is much the same.
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Vincent Hanna: And now for the result of our exclusive exit poll, which produced a 100% result for... "Mind your own business, you nosy bastard."
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Vincent Hanna: Prince George, who is described in his party newsheet as "a great moral and spiritual leader of the nation", but is described by almost everyone else as "a fat, flatulent git".
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Vincent Hanna: Master William Pitt the Even Younger, no votes, are you disappointed?
Pitt the Even Younger: Yes, I'm horrified! I smeared my opponents, bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture the electorate if we lost! I fail to see what more a decent politician could have done!
Pitt the Even Younger: Yes, I'm horrified! I smeared my opponents, bribed the press to be on my side, and threatened to torture the electorate if we lost! I fail to see what more a decent politician could have done!
TV Show: Blackadder
Opening narration: History has known many great liars. Copernicus. Goebbels. St. Ralph the Liar. [he is shown holding a sign which reads "St. Benedict the Liar"] But there have been none quite so vile as the Tudor King Henry VII. It was he who rewrote history to portray his predecessor, Richard III, as a deformed maniac who killed his nephews in the Tower. But the real truth is that Richard was a kind and thoughtful man who cherished his young wards, in particular Richard, Duke of York, who grew into a big, strong boy. Henry also claimed he won the Battle of Bosworth Field and killed Richard III. Again, the truth is very different; for it was Richard, Duke of York, who became king after Bosworth Field, and reigned for thirteen glorious years. As for who really killed Richard III and how the defeated Henry Tudor escaped with his life, all is revealed in this, the first chapter of a history never before told: the history of... the Black Adder!
TV Show: Blackadder
Edmund: I like the cut of your jib, young fella me lad. What's your name?
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
Baldrick: My name is Baldrick, my lord.
Edmund: Then I shall call you Baldrick, Baldrick.
Baldrick: And I shall call you "my lord," my lord.
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Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
Prince Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up in a tree somewhere in Rutland.
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[King Richard IV is about to set out on a crusade against the Turks]
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
Richard IV: As the good Lord said: "Love thy neighbour as thyself, unless he's Turkish, in which case, kill the bastard!"
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Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
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Prince Harry: McAngus, this is the man who'll be providing tomorrow's entertainments! [gestures to Edmund]
Dougal McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! Delighted to meet you; there's a groat for the troubles!
Edmund: [in a high pitched voice] I am not a eunuch!
Dougal McAngus: You sound like one to me!
Edmund: [normal voice] I am not a eunuch, I am the Duke of Edinburgh!
Dougal McAngus: [sarcastically] Oh you are, are you!? [turns to Queen Gertrude] Same old story, eh!? Duke of Edinburgh's about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits! [realises] Och, nae offence, your Majesty.
Dougal McAngus: Ah, the eunuch! Delighted to meet you; there's a groat for the troubles!
Edmund: [in a high pitched voice] I am not a eunuch!
Dougal McAngus: You sound like one to me!
Edmund: [normal voice] I am not a eunuch, I am the Duke of Edinburgh!
Dougal McAngus: [sarcastically] Oh you are, are you!? [turns to Queen Gertrude] Same old story, eh!? Duke of Edinburgh's about as Scottish as the Queen of England's tits! [realises] Och, nae offence, your Majesty.
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Harry: Yes, that's right. A tragic accident.
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
Edmund: Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle whilst swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: Yes, or Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.
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King Richard IV: Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
Edmund: (to his friends) Fat chance!
King Richard IV: I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!
Edmund: (to his friends) Fat chance!
King Richard IV: I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh!
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King Richard IV: [to Edmund] You, as compared to your beloved brother Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Harry: Oh, father, you flatter me!
Edmund: And me, also!
Harry: Oh, father, you flatter me!
Edmund: And me, also!
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Graveney: And if I don't leave my lands to the church, then what?
William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.
Graveney: Alas!
William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!
Graveney: No, no! (coughs) I place my lands in the hands of the Church (signs) and so bid the world farewell.
William: Then, Lord Graveney, you will assuredly go to Hell.
Graveney: Alas!
William: Hell, where the air is pungent with the aroma of roasted behinds!
Graveney: No, no! (coughs) I place my lands in the hands of the Church (signs) and so bid the world farewell.
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Edmund: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Graveney: Am I in Paradise?
Edmund: No, no, not yet.
Graveney: Then this must be Hell. Alas, spare my posterior!
Edmund: No, no, you're all right -- it's England.
Graveney: And you are not Satan?
Edmund: No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Graveney: Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved?
Graveney: Am I in Paradise?
Edmund: No, no, not yet.
Graveney: Then this must be Hell. Alas, spare my posterior!
Edmund: No, no, you're all right -- it's England.
Graveney: And you are not Satan?
Edmund: No, I'm the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Graveney: Your Grace, I have left all my lands to the Church. Am I to be saved?
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Edmund: Someone like you go to Hell? Never. Never!!
Graveney: But I have committed many sins.
Edmund: Haven't we all, haven't we all...
Graveney: I murdered my father...
Edmund: Well, I know how you feel.
Graveney: ...and I have committed adultery...
Edmund: Well, who hasn't?
Graveney: ...more than a thousand times...
Edmund: Well, it is 1487!
Graveney: ...with my mother.
Edmund: WHAT?
King: Good Lord...
Graveney: You see, I *will* go to Hell.
Graveney: But I have committed many sins.
Edmund: Haven't we all, haven't we all...
Graveney: I murdered my father...
Edmund: Well, I know how you feel.
Graveney: ...and I have committed adultery...
Edmund: Well, who hasn't?
Graveney: ...more than a thousand times...
Edmund: Well, it is 1487!
Graveney: ...with my mother.
Edmund: WHAT?
King: Good Lord...
Graveney: You see, I *will* go to Hell.
TV Show: Blackadder
Edmund: Well, well, let's take Hell: You know, Hell isn't as bad as it's cracked up to be.
Graveney: What?
Edmund: No, no, no, no. No, you see, the thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants...
Graveney: Ew...
Edmund: Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture -- those areas.
Graveney: Really?
Edmund: Mm! Give your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life!
Graveney: Adultery? Pillage? Through all eternity?
Edmund: Yep!
King: (handing over a quill) Lord Graveney, your decision...
Graveney: Very well. (signs) I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord. May He treat me like the piece of refuse that I am (rubs his hands together, grinning) and send me to Hell.
King: Amen.
Edmund: Amen. You're a very lucky man! I wish I could be coming with you, but, you know, being the Archbishop...
Graveney: I'm so sorry.
Edmund: Oh no, that's alright.
Graveney: What?
Edmund: No, no, no, no. No, you see, the thing about Heaven, is that Heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in Heaven, like, uh, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants...
Graveney: Ew...
Edmund: Whereas Hell, on the other hand, is for people who like the other sorts of things: adultery, pillage, torture -- those areas.
Graveney: Really?
Edmund: Mm! Give your lands to the Crown, and once you're dead, you'll have the time of your life!
Graveney: Adultery? Pillage? Through all eternity?
Edmund: Yep!
King: (handing over a quill) Lord Graveney, your decision...
Graveney: Very well. (signs) I leave my lands to the Crown, and my soul in the hands of the Lord. May He treat me like the piece of refuse that I am (rubs his hands together, grinning) and send me to Hell.
King: Amen.
Edmund: Amen. You're a very lucky man! I wish I could be coming with you, but, you know, being the Archbishop...
Graveney: I'm so sorry.
Edmund: Oh no, that's alright.
TV Show: Blackadder
King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that's the fellow.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King: [absentmindedly] Yes, yes, that's the fellow.
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King: Chiswick, take this to the Queen of Naples. [holds up an urn]
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples!
Chiswick: What is it, my lord?
King: The King of Naples!
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Don Speekeenglish: [translating for the Infanta of Spain] You are the light of my life. I wish to entwine you in my broad thighs.
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Witchsmeller: [talking about ordeal by axe] The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck — so we burn him. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.
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Percy: Look, look, I just can't take the pressure of all these omens any more!
Edmund: Percy...
Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.
Edmund: Percy...
Percy: No, no, really, I'm serious! Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.
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King: Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks and shout "BEHOLD! I honour thee most highly!"
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Friar Bellows: Perhaps a motto for our enterprise? "Blessed are the meek..."
[The rest grumble in disagreement.]
Friar Bellows: "... for they shall be slaughtered!"
[The rest cheer and rush for the door.]
Edmund: But the plan! You've forgotten the plan!
Sir Wilfred Death: I thought that was the plan!
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards now!
[The rest grumble in disagreement.]
Friar Bellows: "... for they shall be slaughtered!"
[The rest cheer and rush for the door.]
Edmund: But the plan! You've forgotten the plan!
Sir Wilfred Death: I thought that was the plan!
Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards now!
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Edmund: He murdered his whole family!
Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.
Pete: Who didn't? I certainly killed mine.
Wilfred: And I killed mine.
Friar: And I killed yours.
Sean: Did you?
Friar: Yes.
Sean: Good on you, Father.
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Blackadder: This is the Jane Harrington?
Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons —
Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?
Percy: Yes, that's her.
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town? Don't worry, you'll get over her. *pause* I did. *another pause* so did Baldrick actually
Percy: Yes.
Blackadder: Jane "Bury Me in a Y-Shaped Coffin" Harrington?
Percy: I think there may be two Jane Harringtons —
Blackadder: No, no... Tall, blonde, elegant.?
Percy: Yes, that's her.
Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague's in town? Don't worry, you'll get over her. *pause* I did. *another pause* so did Baldrick actually
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Percy: I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me!
Blackadder: Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.
Blackadder: Well, go to Spain. There are millions of them.
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Melchett: Started talking to yourself, Blackadder?
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here!
Blackadder: Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation around here!
TV Show: Blackadder
[After Queenie's poor pirate imitation]
Melchett: [obviously humouring her] I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away?
Queenie: [giggling] No! It was me!
Melchett: Majesty! Surely not!
Blackadder: [to Melchett] You utter creep.
Melchett: [obviously humouring her] I beg your pardon, Your Majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away?
Queenie: [giggling] No! It was me!
Melchett: Majesty! Surely not!
Blackadder: [to Melchett] You utter creep.
TV Show: Blackadder