Blackadder Quotes
Captain Rum: Ah, "Courtiers to the Queen"! You're nothing but lapdogs to a slip of a girl!
Blackadder: Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl" than a... GIT!
Blackadder: Better a "lapdog to a slip of a girl" than a... GIT!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Tell me, young crone, is this Putney?
Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be!
Blackadder: "Yes, it is," not "That it be". And you don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
Blackadder: Yes. The Wise Woman.
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First... she is a woman! And second... she is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: 'Course.
Blackadder: Where?
Young Crone: 'Ere. Do you have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Oh... you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies... [she tries to grab it] which I'm NOT going to give to you. [walks in]
Young Crone: [cackling] That it be! That it be!
Blackadder: "Yes, it is," not "That it be". And you don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, I'm not a tourist! I seek information about a Wise Woman.
Young Crone: The Wise Woman? The Wise Woman?!
Blackadder: Yes. The Wise Woman.
Young Crone: Two things, my Lord, must ye know of the Wise Woman. First... she is a woman! And second... she is...
Blackadder: Wise?
Young Crone: [normal] You do know her, then?
Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark - which, incidentally, is what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful! Do you know where she lives?
Young Crone: 'Course.
Blackadder: Where?
Young Crone: 'Ere. Do you have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Oh... you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse of monies... [she tries to grab it] which I'm NOT going to give to you. [walks in]
TV Show: Blackadder
Wise Woman: Hail Edmund, Lord of Adders Black!
Blackadder: Hello.
Wise Woman: Step no further, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plotest, Blackadder! Thou would be king, and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: No, it's much worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant!
Wise Woman: [nonchalant] Well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.
Blackadder: What!?
Wise Woman: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first, being so old and warty.
Blackadder: But what of my position, my livelihood!?
Wise Woman: Very well, then there are three solutions, three cures for thy ailment. The first is simple: Kill Bob!
Blackadder: Never!
Wise Woman: Then try the second: kill yourself!
Blackadder: And the third?
Wise Woman: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
Blackadder: Ah, that sounds more like it! How?
Wise Woman: KILL EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: [disturbed and confounded] Uh-huh.
Blackadder: Hello.
Wise Woman: Step no further, for already I see thy bloody purpose. Thou plotest, Blackadder! Thou would be king, and drown Middlesex in a butt of wine! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: No, it's much worse than that. I'm in love with my manservant!
Wise Woman: [nonchalant] Well, I'd sleep with him if I were you.
Blackadder: What!?
Wise Woman: When I fancy people, I sleep with them. I have to drug them first, being so old and warty.
Blackadder: But what of my position, my livelihood!?
Wise Woman: Very well, then there are three solutions, three cures for thy ailment. The first is simple: Kill Bob!
Blackadder: Never!
Wise Woman: Then try the second: kill yourself!
Blackadder: And the third?
Wise Woman: The third is to ensure that no one else ever knows.
Blackadder: Ah, that sounds more like it! How?
Wise Woman: KILL EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD! [cackles madly]
Blackadder: [disturbed and confounded] Uh-huh.
TV Show: Blackadder
Dr Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to find he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean earth than a weasel!
TV Show: Blackadder
Lord Flashheart: Thanks, bridesmaid, like the beard. Gives me something to hang onto!
TV Show: Blackadder
Lord Flasheart: And Melchie! Still worshipping God? Last thing I heard he started worshipping me! A-HAHAHAHAHA!
TV Show: Blackadder
Lord Flasheart: Nursie! I like it firm and fruity, am i glad to see you or did i just put a CANOE in my pocket?
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: [seeing Percy's abnormally wide new neckruff] You look like a bird who's swallowed a plate.
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually. And as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Percy: I think you may be wrong!
Blackadder: You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy?
Percy: It's the latest fashion, actually. And as a matter of fact, it makes me look rather sexy!
Blackadder: To another plate-swallowing bird, perhaps. If it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Percy: I think you may be wrong!
Blackadder: You're a sad, laughable figure, aren't you, Percy?
TV Show: Blackadder
Percy: May I come too, my lord?
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we're friends. Better stay here; bird-neck [Percy's new look] and bird-brain [Baldrick] should get along like a house on fire!
Blackadder: No, best not. People might think we're friends. Better stay here; bird-neck [Percy's new look] and bird-brain [Baldrick] should get along like a house on fire!
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: I have taken the liberty to make a list of suitable candidates. [unrolls a scroll] Lord Blackadder. [pauses and rolls the scroll back up]
TV Show: Blackadder
[Blackadder has just explained his plan to get Baldrick to pretend to be Lord Farrow in order to speak to his widow]
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?
Baldrick: Yes, erm... I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag!
Blackadder: [exasperated] No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.
Baldrick: ... Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?
Blackadder: In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.
Baldrick: Why, did he used to wear a bag on his head?
Ploppy the Jailer: Young Ploppy here has a point, My Lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag. He was an old fashioned sort of gent!
Blackadder: Look--
Percy: Well, yes, My Lord. I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I have been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!
Blackadder: Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it!
Blackadder: Right, Baldrick, is that all clear?
Baldrick: Yes, erm... I've killed someone I shouldn't have killed, and now you want me to put a lady on my head and talk to his old bag!
Blackadder: [exasperated] No, I want you to put a bag on your head and talk to his old lady.
Baldrick: ... Why? Why do I want a bag on my head?
Blackadder: In order, nincompoop, that she should believe that you're her husband.
Baldrick: Why, did he used to wear a bag on his head?
Ploppy the Jailer: Young Ploppy here has a point, My Lord. Lord Farrow never wore a bag. He was an old fashioned sort of gent!
Blackadder: Look--
Percy: Well, yes, My Lord. I mean, I hadn't meant to mention it, but I have been wondering all along why you should think Baldrick with a bag on his head is going to be a dead ringer for Lord Farrow, because he's not!
Blackadder: Look, cretins, the bag is there in order to obscure Baldrick's own features, and many might think, incidentally, that that would be reason enough for him to wear it!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Queenie wishes to see Lord Farrow, who has supposedly been executed]
Blackadder: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
Percy: Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.
Percy: Ah, yes...
Blackadder: Let's face facts, Perc: it's you!
Percy: [nervously] Except, ex-cept... I may have a plan!
Blackadder: [dryly] Oh, yes...
Percy: Yes, eh... How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body and we take it to the Queen. Except, ex-cept... just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying "We were just on our way when he said something traitorous, and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson!"
Blackadder: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptible! Worth a try!
Blackadder: Percy, this is a very difficult situation.
Percy: Yes, my lord.
Blackadder: Someone's for the chop. You or me, in fact.
Percy: Ah, yes...
Blackadder: Let's face facts, Perc: it's you!
Percy: [nervously] Except, ex-cept... I may have a plan!
Blackadder: [dryly] Oh, yes...
Percy: Yes, eh... How about if we get Lord Farrow's head and body and we take it to the Queen. Except, ex-cept... just before we get in, we start shouting and screaming, and then we come in saying "We were just on our way when he said something traitorous, and so we cut his head off in the corridor just to teach him a lesson!"
Blackadder: Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic! Contemptible! Worth a try!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: To you, it's a potato. To me, it's a potato. But to Sir Walter bloody Raleigh, it's fine estates, luxury carriages and as many girls as his tongue can handle! He's making a fortune out of the things: people are smoking them, building houses out of them... they'll be eating them next!
TV Show: Blackadder
Melchett: [giving a scroll to Blackadder] Farewell, Blackadder! The foremost cartographers of the land have prepared this for you! [Blackadder unrolls the scroll] It's a... map of the area you'll be traversing. [Blackadder inspects the apparently blank scroll] They'd be very grateful if you could just fill it in as you go along. Goodbye!
TV Show: Blackadder
Captain Rum: Truth is, I don't know the way to the Cape of Good Hope anyway.
Blackadder: Good Lord! What were you going to do?!
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyone's dizzy and then head for home!
Blackadder: [smiles] You old rascal. Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for France!
[Everyone cheers. Cut to "The Day After The Day After Tomorrow", when everyone looks less excited.]
Blackadder: ... So, you don't know the way to France either?
Captain Rum: No. I must confess that too.
Blackadder: [turns to Percy and Baldrick] Bugger.
Blackadder: Good Lord! What were you going to do?!
Captain Rum: What I usually do: sail round and round the Isle of Wight until everyone's dizzy and then head for home!
Blackadder: [smiles] You old rascal. Still, who cares? The day after tomorrow, we shall be in Calais. Captain, set sail for France!
[Everyone cheers. Cut to "The Day After The Day After Tomorrow", when everyone looks less excited.]
Blackadder: ... So, you don't know the way to France either?
Captain Rum: No. I must confess that too.
Blackadder: [turns to Percy and Baldrick] Bugger.
TV Show: Blackadder
Queenie: [to Sir Walter, whom she has become bored of] And I'll tell you something else: Edmund was right. You do smell of fish! [angrily] POOEY!
TV Show: Blackadder
[After they inform Nursie her beloved Captain Rum is dead]
Percy: Don't despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
Blackadder: And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes!
Nursie: [tearfully] You mean they put him in the pot?!
Blackadder: Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course!
Percy: Don't despair, good woman. He died a hero's death, giving his life so that his friends might live.
Blackadder: And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes!
Nursie: [tearfully] You mean they put him in the pot?!
Blackadder: Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Not having a present for Melchett, Blackadder offers a bottle of Baldrick's urine]
Blackadder: There was one thing, ma'am - a fine WINE from the far east. A most delicious beverage.
Queenie: Have a taste, boys; tell us what you think.
[Sir Walter and Melchett sniff the "wine"]
Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.
Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.
Blackadder: [sharing a sly smile with Baldrick] I'm sure you'll be delighted to hear that there is an inexhaustible supply of the stuff!
Blackadder: There was one thing, ma'am - a fine WINE from the far east. A most delicious beverage.
Queenie: Have a taste, boys; tell us what you think.
[Sir Walter and Melchett sniff the "wine"]
Sir Walter: It certainly has plenty of nose.
Melchett: Oh yes, this is very familiar.
Blackadder: [sharing a sly smile with Baldrick] I'm sure you'll be delighted to hear that there is an inexhaustible supply of the stuff!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: You're a one, aren't you?! When you should be whispering sweet conversational nothings like "Goodness, something twice the size of the Royal Barge has just hoved into view between the sheets", you don't say a word. But enter the Creature from the Black Latrine, and you won't stop jabbering!
Molly: He was treating me like a human being!
Blackadder: Look, if I had wanted a lecture of the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
Molly: He was treating me like a human being!
Blackadder: Look, if I had wanted a lecture of the rights of man, I'd have gone to bed with Martin Luther!
TV Show: Blackadder
Bishop of Bath and Wells: He said I AM THE BABY-EATING BISHOP OF BATH AND WELLS!
Blackadder: Good Lord!
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You haven't any children, Blackadder?
Blackadder: No, I'm not married.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business!
Blackadder: Good Lord!
Bishop of Bath and Wells: You haven't any children, Blackadder?
Blackadder: No, I'm not married.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: In that case, I'll skip breakfast and get straight down to business!
TV Show: Blackadder
[Blackadder must pay back a £1,000 debt to the Black Church, or else]
Blackadder: [as politely as he can] Tell me, Bishop, let me just "test the water" here, so to speak. Erm... supposing I was to say to you, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she’d be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"
Bishop of Bath and Wells: I would say, "Firstly, the Queen would not believe you. And secondly, [draws a hot poker] you'll regret calling me 'Fatso' later today!"
Blackadder: Ah.
Blackadder: [as politely as he can] Tell me, Bishop, let me just "test the water" here, so to speak. Erm... supposing I was to say to you, "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she’d be very interested to hear about you and Mollie and the wimple, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"
Bishop of Bath and Wells: I would say, "Firstly, the Queen would not believe you. And secondly, [draws a hot poker] you'll regret calling me 'Fatso' later today!"
Blackadder: Ah.
TV Show: Blackadder
Percy: Do not despair! For I have some small savings carefully harvested from my weekly allowance, set aside against my frail old age. By lucky haps, it is just over a thousand, methinks, and for years has been hidden beyond the wit of any thief, in an old sock...
Percy and Blackadder: ...under the squeaky floorboard...
Percy, Blackadder and Baldrick: ...behind the kitchen dresser.
Percy: [smiles uneasily] You've seen it, then.
Blackadder: Seen it, pinched it, spent it! And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he’s got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!
Percy and Blackadder: ...under the squeaky floorboard...
Percy, Blackadder and Baldrick: ...behind the kitchen dresser.
Percy: [smiles uneasily] You've seen it, then.
Blackadder: Seen it, pinched it, spent it! And the same goes for the two farthings Baldrick thinks he’s got hidden inside that mouldy potato.
Baldrick: Oh, bloody hell!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own Satanic herd!
TV Show: Blackadder
Percy: Fear not, for I have a plan to save the life of my dear, dear friend!
Blackadder: Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends! What about ME?!
Blackadder: Look, I'm not interested in your bloody friends! What about ME?!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Year War! Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?!
TV Show: Blackadder
Blackadder: Baldrick, pack my bags. I'm going to sell the house.
Baldrick and Percy: [shocked] What?!
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets.
Baldrick and Percy: [shocked] What?!
Blackadder: There's nothing else for it. I mean, I shall miss the old place, I know. I've had some happy times here, when you and Percy have been out. But needs must when the Devil vomits into your kettle. Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the streets.
TV Show: Blackadder
Mr Pants: (Laughing) You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing; it's spontaneous and it's called wit.
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing; it's spontaneous and it's called wit.
TV Show: Blackadder
Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord?
Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!
Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!
TV Show: Blackadder