Boston Legal Quotes
Shirley: Your Honor, Mr. Tiggs has a history of ruining women's lives. There's one out there right now. It's going to take her years to get over this.
Ivan: No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.
Ivan: No, she'll get over me, she's like a goldfish. She has a three second memory.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: One meeting.
Bethany: In these offices. I'll call it even.
Denny: Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes.
Bethany: What!
Denny: Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package.
Bethany: You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met.
Denny: You're right... Just the top then?
Denny: A meeting? Would I have to talk?
Bethany: You're much more impressive when you don't.
Bethany: In these offices. I'll call it even.
Denny: Not quite. One condition. Take off your clothes.
Bethany: What!
Denny: Oh come on. That was the initial plan. We hit it off, eventually we get together, naked. Take off your clothes. Let me see that little package.
Bethany: You are the most disgusting, vulgar human being I have ever met.
Denny: You're right... Just the top then?
Denny: A meeting? Would I have to talk?
Bethany: You're much more impressive when you don't.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Mr. Tiggs did satisfy you didn't he?
Shirley: I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.
Shirley: I'm under oath. It wasn't his best work.
TV Show: Boston Legal
[About Judge Hooper]
Denise: You sure it was the husband?
Lincoln: I am. He drives some sort of little white convertible in an attempt, I suppose, to seem interesting, which he's not. Not at all. He's a nasty little man. He made her get that restraining order against me. He made her do it.
Denise: Well, you are a Peeping Tom.
Lincoln: She liked that. She liked that I looked. I was a benign peepy.
Denise: You sure it was the husband?
Lincoln: I am. He drives some sort of little white convertible in an attempt, I suppose, to seem interesting, which he's not. Not at all. He's a nasty little man. He made her get that restraining order against me. He made her do it.
Denise: Well, you are a Peeping Tom.
Lincoln: She liked that. She liked that I looked. I was a benign peepy.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: [about Bethany suing Denny] What do you mean she won't drop it?
Claire: She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.
Denny: Do you do that?
Claire: Never.
Claire: She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.
Denny: Do you do that?
Claire: Never.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Claire: You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks, divulging personal intimate details. You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall. Do you think that's honest?
Bethany: Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson?
[Denny makes a pose]
Bethany: Maybe I did.
Bethany: Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson?
[Denny makes a pose]
Bethany: Maybe I did.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Claire: Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I am very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf.
Bethany: What's that supposed to mean?
Claire: It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone...
[stares at Denny]
Claire: Him.
Bethany: What's that supposed to mean?
Claire: It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone...
[stares at Denny]
Claire: Him.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Ivan: Shirley, Paul. I believe you've met my attorney. Alan Shore.
Alan: How do you do?
Shirley: What's going on?
Ivan: I've told Alan my story and he agreed to help me.
Shirley: That's ridicules.
Alan: [raising his hand] I'm a fan of ridicules.
Alan: How do you do?
Shirley: What's going on?
Ivan: I've told Alan my story and he agreed to help me.
Shirley: That's ridicules.
Alan: [raising his hand] I'm a fan of ridicules.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: [to Ivan] What I can tell you is, there is no back door. That post-nup is as tight as your soon to be sixth ex-wife's tushy.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Ivan: [about his wife, Missy] God, I hate her.
Shirley: Oh boy.
Ivan: I tried this time. I want to love her. No, I do love her. She's just too much. Too much singing, too much sex. I'm not a young man anymore. And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid.
Shirley: Oh boy.
Ivan: I tried this time. I want to love her. No, I do love her. She's just too much. Too much singing, too much sex. I'm not a young man anymore. And, well, there's the fact that she's stupid.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Jonathan: Let me tell you something right now. If you start to intimidate my witnesses...
Jeffrey: Why yours? Do you have dibs?
Jonathan: Is this the way you wanna play it? Fine.
Jeffrey: Doesn't seem we can settle this with words. Maybe we should fight.
[Judge Hooper and Jonathan stare at him]
Jeffrey: Why does everyone in Boston just stare at me?
Jeffrey: Why yours? Do you have dibs?
Jonathan: Is this the way you wanna play it? Fine.
Jeffrey: Doesn't seem we can settle this with words. Maybe we should fight.
[Judge Hooper and Jonathan stare at him]
Jeffrey: Why does everyone in Boston just stare at me?
TV Show: Boston Legal
[about Gracie Jane]
Paul: My God, we need to gag this woman.
Denny: I did once. Best sexual experience of my life.
Paul: My God, we need to gag this woman.
Denny: I did once. Best sexual experience of my life.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Jeffrey: The angry, bald little husband killed his wife... just like in the movies.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: [threatening] Your resume intact?
Alan: Shirley, you're being retaliatory; it becomes you.
Alan: Shirley, you're being retaliatory; it becomes you.
TV Show: Boston Legal
[Before their wrestling match]
Alan: Shouldn't we pee in a cup first? I don't trust his testosterone levels.
Denny: Mine's naturally high.
Alan: Shouldn't we pee in a cup first? I don't trust his testosterone levels.
Denny: Mine's naturally high.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: My friend, one of my goals in life is to go to all the places you've gone.
Denny: Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.
Denny: Just don't go to Shirley. She's mine.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: If I should ever like to drive your car...
Denny: I toss you my keys.
Alan: If I should ever need any money...
Denny: My check is blank.
Alan: Or need to pick your brain...
Denny: My mind is blank.
Alan: Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.
Denny: Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.
Denny: I toss you my keys.
Alan: If I should ever need any money...
Denny: My check is blank.
Alan: Or need to pick your brain...
Denny: My mind is blank.
Alan: Anything you have, or once did have, is there for me.
Denny: Except for Shirley. Keep your root away from Shirley.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Admit it Shirley, you're drawn to me like Eve to the Serpent. Take me home and help me stretch my coil.
Shirley: Has that line actually worked?
Alan: It's working now.
Shirley: Has that line actually worked?
Alan: It's working now.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Bethany: He baited me deliberately.
Brad: He did this because the book on you is your less effective when you lose your cool.
Bethany: Oh, shut up.
Brad: This is exactly the state of mind that he wants you in.
Bethany: It was an offer made in bad faith. I should bring a motion for sanctions.
Brad: That wouldn't make any difference.
Bethany: Shut up.
Brad: Shut up yourself.
Brad: He did this because the book on you is your less effective when you lose your cool.
Bethany: Oh, shut up.
Brad: This is exactly the state of mind that he wants you in.
Bethany: It was an offer made in bad faith. I should bring a motion for sanctions.
Brad: That wouldn't make any difference.
Bethany: Shut up.
Brad: Shut up yourself.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Frank: No deal. He goes to jail. And tell your boy, between now and trial, he'd better not eat anyone else.
Alan: Tell me, Mr. Vote-For-Me-Come-November, what if you lose this trial? Did that ever occur to you?
Frank: Funny. It didn't.
Alan: Perhaps it should.
Frank: I would love to see how you can open this one... Shirley.
Alan: Tell me, Mr. Vote-For-Me-Come-November, what if you lose this trial? Did that ever occur to you?
Frank: Funny. It didn't.
Alan: Perhaps it should.
Frank: I would love to see how you can open this one... Shirley.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Frank: Knowing you, you'd probably plan to get up in the end and deliver some stirring closing like cannibalism is good, the world needs more people devouring each other.
Alan: No, we already have enough of that.
Alan: No, we already have enough of that.
TV Show: Boston Legal
[Bethany is nervous and breathing hard]
Brad: [to Denny] She okay? She's panting like a dog.
Bethany: [angrily] I heard that!
Brad: [to Denny] She okay? She's panting like a dog.
Bethany: [angrily] I heard that!
TV Show: Boston Legal
[Discussing a case concerning cannibals]
Shirley: Because this case is disgusting, it's distasteful, it's repugnant...
Alan: Everything I stand for.
Shirley: I'll drive.
Alan: Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?
Shirley: [sarcastically] Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal just to get close to you.
Shirley: Because this case is disgusting, it's distasteful, it's repugnant...
Alan: Everything I stand for.
Shirley: I'll drive.
Alan: Shirley, is this about getting in a room with me?
Shirley: [sarcastically] Yes, Alan, I went out and recruited a cannibal just to get close to you.
TV Show: Boston Legal
[Bethany is pinching Denny's ear]
Denny: It's sexual this ear pinch.
Bethany: Yes. Pinching the ear gives you blood flow. When's the last time you got that without taking a pill?
Denny: It's sexual this ear pinch.
Bethany: Yes. Pinching the ear gives you blood flow. When's the last time you got that without taking a pill?
TV Show: Boston Legal
[About Gracie Jane]
Paul: Denny, you have got to gag this woman.
Denny: I would love to.
Paul: Denny, you have got to gag this woman.
Denny: I would love to.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Primetime wants you on during sweeps. They want you to eat Diane Sawyer.
TV Show: Boston Legal