Boston Legal Quotes
[During an office meeting about a costume party]
Brad: This is so high school.
Paul: As opposed to you and Jeffrey slugging it out in the men's room?
Brad: I won.
Jeffrey: Did not!
Paul: Shut up!
Brad: This is so high school.
Paul: As opposed to you and Jeffrey slugging it out in the men's room?
Brad: I won.
Jeffrey: Did not!
Paul: Shut up!
TV Show: Boston Legal
[In court]
Judge Sanders: Hold on just one second; are you a midget?
Bethany: Are you an imbecile?
Judge Sanders: Uh...objection!
Denny: Sustained.
Judge Sanders: Hold on just one second; are you a midget?
Bethany: Are you an imbecile?
Judge Sanders: Uh...objection!
Denny: Sustained.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Overruled!
Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained!
Judge Sanders: Overruled!
Denny: Objection!
Judge Sanders: Sustained!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley: [during closing arguments in court] I'm simply saying that we, as a people, as a nation, like to feel pretty. It's who we are. And if it means a few young rabbits have to sacrifice their lives, well, they and their families can take heart because they did so for their country. Because, when you think about it, all we really hope for at this point is to save face.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Alan, you've got to help me dump Bella. I'm not good when it comes to breaking up with women; I'm too soft.
Alan: Denny, you shoot people.
Denny: I thought of that, but it would be illegal. Except in Florida.
Alan: Denny, you shoot people.
Denny: I thought of that, but it would be illegal. Except in Florida.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Sanders: First of all, I will say, for the record, I don't believe in all that moisturizer, botox, fountain of youth poopycock!
Shirley: Oh please, Judge, how else could you look like you do at a hundred?
Shirley: Oh please, Judge, how else could you look like you do at a hundred?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: [after breaking up with Bella] I didn't have to shoot her!
[Shirley and Denny high-five each other]
[Shirley and Denny high-five each other]
TV Show: Boston Legal
[At the office costume party. Alan is dressed as Shirley Schmidt.]
Paul: What's it like being Shirley?
Alan: The thong is a little uncomfortable.
Paul: What's it like being Shirley?
Alan: The thong is a little uncomfortable.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Brad: Could I get you to put your tongue back in your mouth there, soldier?
Alan: Thank goodness we have you, Brad, to keep track of our tongues. Would you like a list of the places mine has been this week?
Brad: Perv.
Alan: Thank goodness we have you, Brad, to keep track of our tongues. Would you like a list of the places mine has been this week?
Brad: Perv.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Vanessa: I'm sure it's a long, very complicated answer, but what is your problem?
Alan: [chuckles] You're right. It's a long...very complicated answer.
Alan: [chuckles] You're right. It's a long...very complicated answer.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Bethany: So, you going to remind me again how I'm supposed to cross the wife?
Paul: Oh, shut up.
Paul: Oh, shut up.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Denny Crane never goes down. Except as a lover; I'm giving in bed. [to Alan] Is that relevant?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: They're singling me out because I'm Denny Crane. Big name, big splash. Know where I can get a good lawyer? [grins] It's never dull, Alan. Admit it.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: “You’ll recall I once advised you fleeing the practice of law because it’s an ugly occupation which calls opponents participants to do ugly things. I’m very accomplished to the practice of law, Jerry.”
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: ...these aliens in the form of Ann Margaret, took me to their spacecraft, and had sex with me.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: You people have an overreacting problem, you do know that?
Lawyer: [offended] "We people?"
Denny: Yeah, same thing in Lebanon. They grab a few soldiers, you respond with overkill. And that's a problem.
Bethany: Are you saying Israel doesn't have the right to defend itself?
Denny: Well, of course, they do! But you can't blow up a country just because you get mad! Only the United States enjoys that privilege. We're a superpower; God is on our side.
Lawyer: [offended] "We people?"
Denny: Yeah, same thing in Lebanon. They grab a few soldiers, you respond with overkill. And that's a problem.
Bethany: Are you saying Israel doesn't have the right to defend itself?
Denny: Well, of course, they do! But you can't blow up a country just because you get mad! Only the United States enjoys that privilege. We're a superpower; God is on our side.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Sanders: Alright, this would probably be a good time for a bowel movement. Er, Lunch! I mean lunch. Uh, 2 o'clock?
Alan: Could we say 2: 30 and make time for both?
Judge Sanders: Silence! I won't stand for your... your...
Alan: Poop?
Alan: Could we say 2: 30 and make time for both?
Judge Sanders: Silence! I won't stand for your... your...
Alan: Poop?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: I might vote for him, you know.
Alan: (surprised) Obama?
Denny: Anybody in America can grow up to be President, that’s what I say. Except for Hillary! She wins, I puke.
Alan: Barack Obama.
Denny: Handsome, great photo op. I don’t know what he stands for... He’d be a perfect president! Speaks perfect ‘white’ as well as ‘black.’ Never heard me say that.
Alan: What about McCain.
Denny: He speaks ‘Bush’ now. Can’t win.
Alan: Obama’s against the war now, you know.
Denny: So’m I. (Alan looks questioningly) Don’t worry. I’m ready for a new war. Time to blow up Iran. And we gotta get Amina.... douche-bag. And that nut job in North Korea. They both gotta go. And not because they’re not white!
Denny: Of course it does, Alan... you can’t please every body. Better to just...
Alan: Blow them up.
Denny: Exactly. And not because they’re not white.
Alan: No.
Alan: (surprised) Obama?
Denny: Anybody in America can grow up to be President, that’s what I say. Except for Hillary! She wins, I puke.
Alan: Barack Obama.
Denny: Handsome, great photo op. I don’t know what he stands for... He’d be a perfect president! Speaks perfect ‘white’ as well as ‘black.’ Never heard me say that.
Alan: What about McCain.
Denny: He speaks ‘Bush’ now. Can’t win.
Alan: Obama’s against the war now, you know.
Denny: So’m I. (Alan looks questioningly) Don’t worry. I’m ready for a new war. Time to blow up Iran. And we gotta get Amina.... douche-bag. And that nut job in North Korea. They both gotta go. And not because they’re not white!
Denny: Of course it does, Alan... you can’t please every body. Better to just...
Alan: Blow them up.
Denny: Exactly. And not because they’re not white.
Alan: No.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Jerry: I've handled multi-national corprate bankruptcies, high profile murder cases and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges.
Shirley : Yes?
Jerry: And you assign me the duck lady?
Shirley : Is she just sitting alone in your office?
Jerry: She has the duck!
Shirley : Yes?
Jerry: And you assign me the duck lady?
Shirley : Is she just sitting alone in your office?
Jerry: She has the duck!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Clark Brown: There's a reason for that. If people had the choice to serve domestically, they'd do so; in which case we'd loose our backdoor draft and not have enough poor people to fight our war!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Is that how you plan to try this case?
Alan: Don't start with me, Denny, all right?
Alan: Do you have any idea how many people die every day from cigarettes?
Denny: Oh, please. What else is new? Tobacco kills. Big deal.
Alan: Did you just say "big deal?"
Denny: Well, it's old news.
Alan: First of all, it's not just old news. It's absolutely current. The tobacco industry is more powerful today-
Denny: It's boring!
Alan: What, have we all just been desensitized? Smoking kills. Whatever. We've all just gone numb.
Denny: Why'd you say that? Who told you I went numb.
Alan: ...
Denny: Who said that?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Denny: You damn well know... Did she call you?
Alan: Denny, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. So why don't you tell me? You have been in a bad mood all day. What is up?
Denny: Nothing's up. That's the problem. My junk doesn't work.
Alan: I beg your pardon.
Denny: I went back to the captain's quarters with one of the girls from the hot tub. My junk failed me.
Alan: Oh.
Denny: I'm done, Alan.
Alan: D-Denny-
Denny: I wish I were dead. I'd have made a better showing with rigor mortis. Dead. Done. It's over.
Alan: Don't start with me, Denny, all right?
Alan: Do you have any idea how many people die every day from cigarettes?
Denny: Oh, please. What else is new? Tobacco kills. Big deal.
Alan: Did you just say "big deal?"
Denny: Well, it's old news.
Alan: First of all, it's not just old news. It's absolutely current. The tobacco industry is more powerful today-
Denny: It's boring!
Alan: What, have we all just been desensitized? Smoking kills. Whatever. We've all just gone numb.
Denny: Why'd you say that? Who told you I went numb.
Alan: ...
Denny: Who said that?
Alan: What are you talking about?
Denny: You damn well know... Did she call you?
Alan: Denny, I have no idea what the hell you're talking about. So why don't you tell me? You have been in a bad mood all day. What is up?
Denny: Nothing's up. That's the problem. My junk doesn't work.
Alan: I beg your pardon.
Denny: I went back to the captain's quarters with one of the girls from the hot tub. My junk failed me.
Alan: Oh.
Denny: I'm done, Alan.
Alan: D-Denny-
Denny: I wish I were dead. I'd have made a better showing with rigor mortis. Dead. Done. It's over.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: There are many ways that men go dead as they age. One way ... they start incorporating all the learned politically-correct behavior and thoughts into who they are, in the process deny what they are.
Alan: What are we?
Denny: Animals.
Denny: Today's evolved men talk to each other about politics, kids and education. They talk about anything and everything, yet they are profoundly lonely. Why? Because they are ashamed to share their most base instinct.
Denny: You and I aren't like that. When we're 90, we'll be sitting on a park bench, pretty girl go by, and we'll say "look at the rack on that one". You and I will never be lonely.
Alan: What are we?
Denny: Animals.
Denny: Today's evolved men talk to each other about politics, kids and education. They talk about anything and everything, yet they are profoundly lonely. Why? Because they are ashamed to share their most base instinct.
Denny: You and I aren't like that. When we're 90, we'll be sitting on a park bench, pretty girl go by, and we'll say "look at the rack on that one". You and I will never be lonely.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: You know what your problem is?
Alan: Yeah, a collapsing economy, two wars....
Denny: No, Democrats don't know how to win, Republicans do.
Alan: Maybe instead of so smugly celebrating that Republicans know how to win, might you be at the least bit disgusted at the tactics that they resort to?
Denny: Oh, please.
Alan: The despicable pandering like supporting gas tax holidays or cozying up to the Evangelicals or the most egregious example of political pandering in memory: John McCain's choice in running mate.
Denny: Well... she's run... something.
Alan: What? A town called Wasilla? Which she left in debt?
Denny: She had executive experience including foreign policy.
Alan: Foreign policy? Because she can see Russia on a clear day? Can she even spell "Russia?"
Denny: She's just as qualified.
Alan: Denny, she couldn't name newspaper she read or Supreme Court decision
Denny: Gossip journalism.
Alan: Gossip journalism? Naming a Supreme court case?
Denny: This isn't about Palin, it's about McCain.
Alan: What if, what if he dies?
Denny: Who?
Alan: McCain! Of the last 19 Administrations, almost half, half had situations where the Vice President had to assume Presidential responsibilities; in fact- complete control.
Denny: Reagan had Alzheimer's, his a approval ratings were up-.
Alan: Denny, John McCain is 72! He would be the oldest person ever to assume office. He's ripe for a heart attack, not to mention, he's had Melanoma four times. There's a very real possibility he could die. And then what? We'd be left with Sarah Palin? Is there really anyone anywhere that's okay with that?!
Denny
Alan: Yeah, a collapsing economy, two wars....
Denny: No, Democrats don't know how to win, Republicans do.
Alan: Maybe instead of so smugly celebrating that Republicans know how to win, might you be at the least bit disgusted at the tactics that they resort to?
Denny: Oh, please.
Alan: The despicable pandering like supporting gas tax holidays or cozying up to the Evangelicals or the most egregious example of political pandering in memory: John McCain's choice in running mate.
Denny: Well... she's run... something.
Alan: What? A town called Wasilla? Which she left in debt?
Denny: She had executive experience including foreign policy.
Alan: Foreign policy? Because she can see Russia on a clear day? Can she even spell "Russia?"
Denny: She's just as qualified.
Alan: Denny, she couldn't name newspaper she read or Supreme Court decision
Denny: Gossip journalism.
Alan: Gossip journalism? Naming a Supreme court case?
Denny: This isn't about Palin, it's about McCain.
Alan: What if, what if he dies?
Denny: Who?
Alan: McCain! Of the last 19 Administrations, almost half, half had situations where the Vice President had to assume Presidential responsibilities; in fact- complete control.
Denny: Reagan had Alzheimer's, his a approval ratings were up-.
Alan: Denny, John McCain is 72! He would be the oldest person ever to assume office. He's ripe for a heart attack, not to mention, he's had Melanoma four times. There's a very real possibility he could die. And then what? We'd be left with Sarah Palin? Is there really anyone anywhere that's okay with that?!
Denny
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: [walking through a crowd of reporters] dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Muli-talented.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: [while shaking hands] Denny Crane.
Donny Crane: Donny Crane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Donny Crane: Donny Crane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Donny Crane: Donny Crane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Donny Crane: Donny Crane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Donny Crane: Donny Crane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.
Alan Shore: [deadpan] I'm stunned.
TV Show: Boston Legal