Boston Legal Quotes
Denny Crane: [talking to Alan on the balcony] The only thing to be scared of son is tomorrow. I don't live for tomorrow. Never saw the fun in it.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: [to Alan about the riot on television] 100 women there, and you didn't invite me. That's 200 breasts! And you kept them all to yourself.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: [walking in on Alan Shore and Shirley Schmidt in the men's room] If she tries to pee standing up, come get me. [after closing the door to the stall]
Denny Crane: Lock and load!
TV Show: Boston Legal
[both with a cigar in an ear]
Denny Crane: We look good together.
Alan Shore: Yes, we do.
Denny Crane: We look good together.
Alan Shore: Yes, we do.
TV Show: Boston Legal
[Denny, Tara, and Lori in Denny's office as Denny loads a rifle, preparing to save Alan from a gunman holding him hostage just outside of Denny's office door]
Denny Crane: It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door.
Tara Wilson: You're insane!
Denny Crane: Pull! [Tara opens the door; Denny fires]
Denny Crane: It's okay; I'm an ex-Marine. I was a trained sniper. Or was I a pilot? I can't remember. Anyway, I'm more of a skeet shooter now, so when I say 'pull,' you're going to open that door.
Tara Wilson: You're insane!
Denny Crane: Pull! [Tara opens the door; Denny fires]
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley Schmidt: [Seeing Judge Brown coming in the courtroom] My god, he got a bigger gavel.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley Schmidt: Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him.
Denny Crane: [incredulous] Did you just say don't make me the story?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Shirley Schmidt: He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially.
Lori Colson: I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office. [Lori walks away]
Shirley Schmidt: You little bitch.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: [Denny is guarding Alan from his night terrors so he is sleeping in the bed with him] [in his sleep]
Denny Crane: Denny Crane. Denny Crane. Denny Crane.
Alan Shore: [Alan gets out of bed and stumbles. He has a rope tied around his leg; the other end is tied to Denny. Alan tries to get up and stumbles again. He tugs on the rope] Hey! Hey!
Denny Crane: What the hell do you...
Alan Shore: Get up, Denny. We're going to the bathroom.
Denny Crane: Untie the knot. [turns over]
Alan Shore: It takes too long. Let's just... get up!
Denny Crane: I'm not getting up!
Alan Shore: It'll take two seconds. [he tugs the rope]
Denny Crane: It's the middle of the night!
Alan Shore: Just get up!
Denny Crane: I'm not gonna get up.
Alan Shore: Dammit! Get up! [he tugs violently at the rope. Denny is pulled from the bed to the floor]
Alan Shore: Happy? [stands up]
Denny Crane: [Denny pulls the rope and Alan falls on top of him. They lie there, face to face] This isn't working for me.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: [several lawyers from the firm are squeezing past a throng of reporters] Denny Crane, Trix are for Kids... Denny Crane, coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny Crane: Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny Crane: You were fully informed.
Mark Harrison: I was.
Denny Crane: You consented.
Mark Harrison: I did.
Denny Crane: Take it again?
Mark Harrison: Absolutely.
Denny Crane: Like the doctor?
Mark Harrison: Love him.
Denny Crane: How's your memory?
Mark Harrison: My memory's fine.
Denny Crane: What's my name?
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Like you mean it!
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane!
Denny Crane: What's my name?
Mark Harrison: [shouts] Denny Crane!
Denny Crane: No further questions.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: How can you ban red meat?
Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.
Denny Crane: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.
Dominick Ryan: [Shirley and Dominick stare at him] Is there anything we can do?
Shirley Schmidt: We'll get an immediate TRO.
Denny Crane: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.
Shirley Schmidt: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: I don't know whether you know this but not many men take the time, every day, to have a cigar, glass of scotch, to talk to their best friend. That's not something most men have.
Alan Shore: No it isn't.
Denny Crane: What I give to you, what I share, I do with no one else. I like to think that what you give to me you do with nobody else. Now that may sound silly to you. But here's what I think is silly, the idea that jealousy or fidelity is reserved for romance. I always suspected that there was a connection between you and that man. That you got something you didn't get from me.
Alan Shore: I probably do. But gosh, what I get from you Denny. People walk around today calling everyone their best friend. The term doesn't have any real meaning anymore. Mere acquaintances are lavished with hugs and kisses upon a second or at most third meeting, birthday cards get passed around offices so everybody can scribble a snippet of sentimentality for a colleague they barely met, and everyone just loves everyone. As a result when you tell somebody you love them today, it isn't much heard. I love you Denny, you are my best friend. I can't imagine going through life without you as my best friend. I'm not going to kiss you however.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: It's fun being me! [after thoughtful pause]
Denny Crane: Is it fun being you?
Alan Shore: Most of the time.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: May I express a thought, because I so rarely get one, and I should preface this by saying that I'm so far up the ass of big business I view the world as one giant colon.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny Crane: You're one of those environmental lawyers?
Peter Barrett: Is there something wrong with that?
Denny Crane: They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment.
Alan Shore: All reality, none of it scripted.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: [addressing a Canadian court] Oh, yes, mindful that abroad people tend to expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane, eh?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: [listening to the news on TV at the office] That's Bernie!
Tara Wilson: Who?
Alan Shore: The little skillet-welding client from last week, he's whacked another one. He promised me he wouldn't. [knocks on Bernard Ferrion's front door repeatedly]
Bernard Ferrion: [open's door] Alan.
Alan Shore: [walks inside] What have you done now?
Bernard Ferrion: There's a awful lot of excitement.
Alan Shore: I saw, both live and on the news. You've been flaying again with your frying pan, haven't you, Bernard?
Bernard Ferrion: I never meant for it to happen.
Alan Shore: I am very disappointed. I gave you a terrific speech last week, Bernie, appealing to the kind inner you. It was wonderful - poignant, even, and how you have completely mooted it by committing murder again.
Bernard Ferrion: I never meant to kill her!
Alan Shore: Well, what? You just went over there to make an omelet and things got out of hand?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: [overhearing two co-workers having an argument] You two have had sex!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: [referring to a book about parasites found on salmon] This book, "A Stain Upon The Sea" it's all about these sea lice.
Denny Crane: Interesting.
Alan Shore: They call them cling ons.
Denny Crane: Did you say Klingons?
TV Show: Boston Legal