Boston Legal Quotes
Alan Shore: [to Tara] Hello, I'm a complete stranger and I'm here to pick you up. [notices Joe]
Alan Shore: Oh, I see, there's two of us. I'll be evens, you be odds.
Joe: You got a problem?
Alan Shore: No, actually. I just saw this fair maiden here talking to a tree trunk, and since I'm an arborist I thought I could help translate.
Joe: Here's a health tip. Walk away.
Alan Shore: Why would I do that?
Tara Wilson: All right, guys.
Alan Shore: Don't be deceived by my cushy appearance.
Tara Wilson: Excuse me. I actually am with him.
Joe: I don't care. Walk away, or I lay you out.
Alan Shore: I don't mean to be a stickler, but isn't the object to lay her out? [Joe punches Alan]
Tara Wilson: Hey!
Joe: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, I was reaching for my wallet...
Alan Shore: I see. Allow me to reach for mine. [walks away to the other end of the bar]
Tara Wilson: Are you all right?
Alan Shore: Fine. [to Mike and friends]
Alan Shore: Hello, big people. Sorry to intrude, but you seem rather strapping. Here's three hundred dollars. Would you be so kind as to go hit that man down there?
Mike: [laughs incredulously] Really?
Tara Wilson: Alan!
Alan Shore: There's an extra hundred if he goes down.
Mike: You're on.
Alan Shore: Make it a good one.
Tara Wilson: Oh, for God's sakes.
Alan Shore: [Mike hits Joe; fistfight ensues. Alan gives money to Mike's friend] Here's a hundred; go help your friend.
Alan Shore: [watches the fighting] Gee, seems Joe has buddies. [passing out money to Mike's friends]
Alan Shore: One for
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Denny, I refuse to shoot you.
Denny Crane: You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?"
Alan Shore: "Where would we be..."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Denny, I'm going to miss you.
Denny Crane: I'm not going anywhere!
Alan Shore: I've been married; of course you are.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Let me tell me two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.
Lester Tremont: That's three things.
Alan Shore: See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Objection, your Honor. You can't preface your second point with "first of all."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Sally. [Sally turns to look at Shore]
Alan Shore: Could I trouble you to do a quick background check? I realize we haven't spoken much since we stopped having sex, and frankly I'm dismayed by that. But, what I need to know is everything you can find out about my new client... .
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after... you? Would there?
Shirley Schmidt: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: What's your specialty?
Dr. Allen Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce I've been working with him alone.
Alan Shore: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: You have a job to do, and so do I. Yours is to sell socks and suspenders. Mine is to cross examine people like you and crush them. [indicates to Denny Crane]
Alan Shore: This man here would fire me if I didn't.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: You know I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: You know we have a little saying in Massachusetts, "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." [Melvin looks startled]
Alan Shore: Until then!
Attorney Melvin Palmer: Oh! [he starts to laugh]
Attorney Melvin Palmer: You. You dog. [he leaves]
Attorney Melvin Palmer: Ah...
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan Shore: You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.
Denny Crane: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.
Alan Shore: Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."
Denny Crane: Just once I wish you'd quote a Republican.
Alan Shore: I want a kindler and gentler nation.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Lori Colson: Hi. I'm Lori Colson; we haven't officially met.
Catherine Piper: Hello, dear. Catherine Piper.
Lori Colson: For the future... I don't really appreciate comments about my hair.
Catherine Piper: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Donny Crane: He's mocking me... Dad, he's mocking me!
Denny Crane: You're a Crane. Get used to it.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Gracie Jane: Gracie Jane.
Denny Crane: Are you making fun of me?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Harry Hingham: A ho-mo-sexual? That's where we're at now? Santa Clauses being played by ho-mo-sexuals?
Alan Shore: [mockingly] I believe "homosexual" is one word, judge. But to avoid confusion, let's say "gay".
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Harry Hingham: Alright already, I've heard enough. I'm going to rule on this.
Alan Shore: You can't rule yet!
Judge Harry Hingham: Why not?
Alan Shore: I don't know.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Brian Stevens: Motion for continuance is denied.
Denny Crane: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Sean O'Byrne: I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment.
Denny Crane: Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Gil Furnald: I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on, it just feels right sometimes.
Denny Crane: So basically you're a sicko.
Gil Furnald: I'm not sick.
Denny Crane: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?
Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.
Denny Crane: Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Al Sharpton: [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...
Alan Shore: [buts in] And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the Hell are you?
Al Sharpton: [Continues without pause] ... The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan Shore: [whispers to Sharpton] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham: [Interrupts] Who is this man?
Al Sharpton: [Continues without stopping] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan Shore: And cut! [Applause ensues]
TV Show: Boston Legal
Catherine Piper: Cookies, everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: The ones on the left have a little bran to help our older lawyers with their routine.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: I'm Catherine Piper. I'm Alan's new assistant. My, don't you have an interesting face.
Paul Lewiston: We are in the middle of a staff meeting.
Catherine Piper: No need to be snippy, dear. Especially since I come bearing treats. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. [to Lori]
Catherine Piper: You certainly made one... with all that bleach.
Paul Lewiston: Ma'am, you will have to leave.
Catherine Piper: I'm beginning to not like you.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Guantanamo Marine General: [is being questioned at trial, mutters under breath about Alan] Snide-ass.
Alan Shore: Your Honor, I move to strike. He's never seen my ass.
TV Show: Boston Legal