Boston Legal Quotes
Alan: One last proposal that's entirely possible. I'm kidding by the way, depending upon your reaction-300,000 sealed, we kick back fifty to you under the table.
Attorney: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.
Alan: Really? Gosh, I am.
Attorney: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.
Alan: Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.
Attorney: Mr. Shore, I guarantee you I am not that kind of attorney.
Alan: Really? Gosh, I am.
Attorney: I should report you directly to the bar, if not the district attorney.
Alan: Well, if that's how you feel, then I was kidding.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: So, shall we?
Tara: We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?
Alan: I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?
Tara: In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?
Alan: I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.
Tara: That plant needed watering.
Tara: We shall. Do you have Morgan's address?
Alan: I do, but what I meant is, shall we continue where we left off last night?
Tara: In front of my building with you peeing in the planter?
Alan: I was about to burst. You should've let me come up.
Tara: That plant needed watering.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Brian Stevens: Motion for continuance is denied.
Denny: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.
Denny: You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Feels good, doesn't it?
Roberta: What feels good?
Alan: Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.
Roberta: What feels good?
Alan: Having sex with the candidate. What if he wins? I bet the orgasms are even better if he wins. [sighs] I'm jealous.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Dr. Lee: And who is the current President of the United States?
Denny: That would be Ernest Borgnine.
Denny: That would be Ernest Borgnine.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Brown: Do you know what my mother would call you? A namby-pamby. Weak and spineless, bellyaching about some trumped up medical excuse.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Hell, if I had a nickel for every woman I'd promise to marry in exchange for sex...actually, I do.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Brown: I don't like this. Your office gets behind, so you just let criminals walk?
Alan: It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.
Judge Brown: You know what my mother says? “If it smells funny, I'm not eating it.”
Alan: Exact opposite of my motto.
Alan: It's reassuring to see that you haven't formed any conclusions about my client's guilt or innocence.
Judge Brown: You know what my mother says? “If it smells funny, I'm not eating it.”
Alan: Exact opposite of my motto.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Gil Furnald: I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on; it just feels right sometimes.
Denny: So, basically, you're a sicko.
Gil Furnald: I'm not sick.
Denny: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?
Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.
Denny: Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Denny: So, basically, you're a sicko.
Gil Furnald: I'm not sick.
Denny: Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?
Gil Furnald: My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.
Denny: Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: What's your specialty?
Dr. Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce, I've been working with him alone.
Alan: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
Dr. Konigsberg: Couples' counseling. I first saw the client and his wife together. Since the divorce, I've been working with him alone.
Alan: So they came to you to improve their relationship, and now one wants to kill the other. Not your best work, was it, doctor?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Judge Hingham: You want children to sit in the lap of a ho-mo-sexual?
Alan: Technically Judge I think Homosexual is just one word.
Alan: Technically Judge I think Homosexual is just one word.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Al Sharpton: [bursts into the courtroom] Sorry I'm late, Judge, I'll make this quick...
Alan: And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?
Al Sharpton: [continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan: [whispers] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham: Who is this man?
Al Sharpton: [continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan: And cut!
[courtroom explodes in applause]
Alan: And subtle!
Judge Harry Hingham: [to Sharpton] Who the hell are you?
Al Sharpton: [continues without pause] ...The image of Santa Claus has been crafted for hundreds, and hundreds, and hundreds of years. We're supposed to be in a different day. Give the world a black Santa Claus, let the people have an African-American come down the chimney bearing joy and good will!
Alan: [whispers] Gay, not black.
Al Sharpton: The prejudice against gay people must stop. We all say we're for gay rights. We all say we accept homosexuality. But give a gay man a hug, sit in his lap?
Judge Harry Hingham: Who is this man?
Al Sharpton: [continuing] Let the bells of tolerance ring out this Christmas. Let people open their minds as they open their presents underneath the tree. We need your mind, judge, today. Let the gay man be my brother, be your brother, be the school teacher, be the construction worker. Give the world a gay Santa Claus, God Almighty, God Almighty, God Almighty! Leave out the cookies and milk this Christmas Eve for a holly, jolly homosexual, God Almighty!
Alan: And cut!
[courtroom explodes in applause]
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Tom Delay is a friend of mine. He advised me to keep a rifle in the office
Detective: My question is: Did it appear that the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore before you decided to take him out?
Denny: No, why the hell would I wait for that?
Detective: My question is: Did it appear that the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore before you decided to take him out?
Denny: No, why the hell would I wait for that?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]
Shirley Schmidt: Surely you intend to wash that.
Alan: I keep an extremely clean penis.
Shirley Schmidt: Surely you intend to wash that.
Alan: I keep an extremely clean penis.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!
Shirley: It was the Secretary of Defense.
Shirley: It was the Secretary of Defense.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: You hear the one about the fella who died? Went to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter let him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument and says, "Who's that?" St. Peter says, "Oooohhh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Lori: What are you doing out here?
Shirley: Just looking at the city. Still trying to fathom that-
Lori: The Red Sox won?
Shirley: Just looking at the city. Still trying to fathom that-
Lori: The Red Sox won?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Catherine: Alan! Hello!
Alan: Mrs. Piper?
Catherine: You remember! Ha, ha. Oh, I always say, "Shake a man's hand with dog poop on your glove, he'll remember you for life."
Alan: Mrs. Piper?
Catherine: You remember! Ha, ha. Oh, I always say, "Shake a man's hand with dog poop on your glove, he'll remember you for life."
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Shirley? [sighs] What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me...lusting, say, after you? Would there?
Shirley: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
Shirley: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Bernie: Alan, she said she was gonna call the police. She said what she heard would not be hearsay. She looked it up, she said because we were arguing, it would-it would qualify as an excited blutterance. Suddenly the skillet was in my hand and I swung.
Alan: Blutterance isn't even a real word. Much less a defense. You murdered somebody over a fake word.
Alan: Blutterance isn't even a real word. Much less a defense. You murdered somebody over a fake word.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Lock and load. Where is everybody?
Paul: This is an administrative meeting, Denny.
Denny: Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?
Shirley: Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?
Denny: Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?
Shirley: I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.
Denny: I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?
Shirley: Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.
Paul: This is an administrative meeting, Denny.
Denny: Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?
Shirley: Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?
Denny: Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?
Shirley: I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.
Denny: I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?
Shirley: Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?
Paul: She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.
Brad: Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.
Lori: What's your case about, Brad?
Alan: What is it about?
Brad: It involves interference with contractual relations.
Alan: You mean...lesbians?
Paul: Where are you?
Brad: Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-
Alan: Lesbian ex-lover.
Brad: -to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...
Alan: Lesbian?
Brad: You like saying it?
Alan: I do.
Brad: Say it again.
Alan: Lesbian.
Brad: Keep going.
Alan: LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Alan: I also like to watch. How many people like to-
Paul: All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.
Catherine: Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul: Who is this woman?
Catherine: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
(Later in the episode)
Alan: Hey Brad! All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Paul: She's got a trial in New York later this week, so she has a busy day.
Brad: Some of us have trials today, so if you don't mind, I'd like to cut out.
Lori: What's your case about, Brad?
Alan: What is it about?
Brad: It involves interference with contractual relations.
Alan: You mean...lesbians?
Paul: Where are you?
Brad: Today, they're calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was-
Alan: Lesbian ex-lover.
Brad: -to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact not an actual bone-fide...
Alan: Lesbian?
Brad: You like saying it?
Alan: I do.
Brad: Say it again.
Alan: Lesbian.
Brad: Keep going.
Alan: LESBIAN! LESBIAN! Lez-bee-un. All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Alan: I also like to watch. How many people like to-
Paul: All right, that's enough, this is a staff meeting. I'll ask you all to conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.
Catherine: Cookies everyone! Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul: Who is this woman?
Catherine: Take two, Tara, you're a rail.
(Later in the episode)
Alan: Hey Brad! All together now!
All: Lesbian!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Catherine: Isn't coffee a lovely drug? I love brain stimulants, don't you? Uh, Catherine Piper!
Brad: Brad Chase.
Catherine: Brad Chase? You're defending a lesbian!
Lori: Hi! I'm Lori Colson, we haven't officially met.
Catherine: Hello, dear. Catherine Piper.
Lori: For the future, I don't really appreciate comments about my hair.
Catherine: Oh! I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
Brad: Brad Chase.
Catherine: Brad Chase? You're defending a lesbian!
Lori: Hi! I'm Lori Colson, we haven't officially met.
Catherine: Hello, dear. Catherine Piper.
Lori: For the future, I don't really appreciate comments about my hair.
Catherine: Oh! I'm sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I assumed you wouldn't want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: Shirley?
Shirley: Alan?
Alan: You're in the men's room again.
Shirley: I need a favor.
Alan: Certainly. My stall or yours?
Shirley: Alan?
Alan: You're in the men's room again.
Shirley: I need a favor.
Alan: Certainly. My stall or yours?
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: If she tries to pee standing up, come and get me. [after closing the door to the stall] Lock and load!
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny: Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny: You were fully informed.
Mark Harrison: I was.
Denny: You consented.
Mark Harrison: I did.
Denny: Take it again?
Mark Harrison: Absolutely.
Denny: Like the doctor?
Mark Harrison: Love him.
Denny: How's your memory?
Mark Harrison: My memory's fine.
Denny: What's my name?
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane.
Denny: Like you mean it!
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane!
Denny: What's my name?!
Mark Harrison: [shouts] Denny Crane!
Denny: No further questions.
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny: Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny: You were fully informed.
Mark Harrison: I was.
Denny: You consented.
Mark Harrison: I did.
Denny: Take it again?
Mark Harrison: Absolutely.
Denny: Like the doctor?
Mark Harrison: Love him.
Denny: How's your memory?
Mark Harrison: My memory's fine.
Denny: What's my name?
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane.
Denny: Like you mean it!
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane!
Denny: What's my name?!
Mark Harrison: [shouts] Denny Crane!
Denny: No further questions.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Denny: You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?
Mayor George Bostwick: I certainly would not.
Denny: We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?
Attorney for Mayor: Objection?
Denny: Withdrawn. Nothing further.
Mayor: (Under his breath) Wimp?
Shirley: (To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?
Denny: Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.
Mayor George Bostwick: I certainly would not.
Denny: We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?
Attorney for Mayor: Objection?
Denny: Withdrawn. Nothing further.
Mayor: (Under his breath) Wimp?
Shirley: (To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?
Denny: Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.
TV Show: Boston Legal
Alan: I can see you're aroused. You might consider the last man to make love to her died while doing so.
[Denny looks over Kelly Nolan's body.]
Denny: I'll take my chances.
[Denny looks over Kelly Nolan's body.]
Denny: I'll take my chances.
TV Show: Boston Legal